Groomsmen assuming his date can be involved in wedding party activities?

STARMOON44

flantastic said:

STARMOON44 said:

banana468 said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

So you're fine with gaps between the ceremony and the reception for all guests then.   Because that's the line that plenty of people use as to why it's fine to leave guests for hours.

Lol nah. gaps are rude because you're monopolizing more of your guests' day leaving them all dolled up with a random time slot to fill.  This is the same as literally any other guest. The wedding starts at 3. I'm not responsible for you until then. 

See my previous post - I think that since they're part of a social unit, you are kind of leaving them high and dry. Sometimes without a car, always without the SO that all the other "regular" guests will get to spend their time until 3 exploring with, etc.

Ergo, for sure if it comes up, you should be willing to have them along.

Nope. They can figure all the out. Like any guest who is single would. 

M I agree it's a nice thing to do if asked and if you want to, but I think just not wanting to have them is also perfectly fine. 

SaintPaulGal

If this girl is utterly, tragically, painfully shy such that she can't interact with others without her SO present, I would think it would be her worst nightmare to be the Xth wheel in a group of friends where everyone else is doing an activity and she is just standing there.  I'm not a shy person at all but that would make me feel hella socially awkward.

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

STARMOON44

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

Hahaha that's out of control. Entertaining yourself is the equivalent of dog shit and taxes? Sorry you dislike your own company so much!

PrettyGirlLost

STARMOON44 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

Hahaha that's out of control. Entertaining yourself is the equivalent of dog shit and taxes? Sorry you dislike your own company so much!

I don't dislike my own company. . . I prefer it to most people, actually :-P

Doesn't mean I like or want to waste hours upon end alone watching TV in a hotel room, or wandering around trying to kill time, or socializing with random strangers, etc. just because I'm waiting to attend a wedding.

This is why ppl on the boards often suggest that it's a nice gesture to give truly single guests a Plus One if you can, especially if you are having an OOT wedding.

Just like you'd prefer to have alcohol with your meals, I'd prefer not to have to dick around all damn day by myself, waiting to attend a wedding!

Casadena

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

lyndausvi

My DH works a shit ton of hours.  He goes MONTHS without a day off.   We average 1 meal a week together.  We have been together for 10 years.   I'm completely okay with my own company.  

Doesn't mean I can't be annoyed with his time being monopolized all day for a wedding. Especially when I could have been included for some of that time (i.e. when they went to the venue for pictures and were drinking at the venue bar) or hanging out on a bus with everyone.

I like my husband.  I do not get much time with him and like to take advantage of the opportunities I can get.

There is a difference in a few hours of getting ready and whole fucking day.  Couples these day are moving to all day pictures/getting ready.   Their WP members are more likely to be from OOT.  Changes are needed to balance both the couple's vision and the needs/wants of the WP and their SOs.

PrettyGirlLost

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

And why do you have to invite SO's to the RD. . . they didn't participate in the rehearsal, after all?

When you start to think about things logically you will find that a bunch of the things accepted as social norms for weddings don't really make a whole lot of sense, and kinda are bad hosting if you applied these "traditions" to other social events.

banana468

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

I think the picture time separation and the pre-wedding separation is more of a 'do you really want to hang out for this' kind of thing.

The morning of my wedding my maids had spent the night.   One BM's DH slept in his own bed, as did the other SO/s dates in our WP.   Then we were off to do hair and makeup and did pre-wedding shots.   So while the SOs were on their own if they wanted to show up once we were back and dressed it would have been fine.   Instead they chilled out.

And as I said above, it was freaking hot that day.   And humid.   So we didn't do a ton of formals outside with the WP even after the wedding because we were on the verge of passing out.   But the WP was nice enough to pose for photos and they also agreed it was nicer to leave the dates in air conditioned places for the shots.  They got to sit at their place settings at the dinner portion which was the social event.   

What I'm not a fan of is turning the pre-wedding time into a full day event.   I don't think you need to be alone with the WP until 5 PM.  And I don't think you need a party bus to take you to multiple locations for photos.

PrettyGirlLost

And then on top of all that seating the WP at a head table away from their SOs and dates for dinner.

Sure, adults can eat dinner by themselves, but it's fucking rude.

Yes, I'd rather hang out on the shuttle and drink and socialize with my SO and the WP as they stop here and there to take photos, rather than hanging out at cocktail hour by myself, if I don't know anyone else, and especially if you are going to have a head table that I'm not also included in.

southernbelle0915

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

because the SOs aren't in the pictures, but they are eating dinner. If you wanted to say that SOs have to be involved in everything, then why stop at attending pictures? Shouldn't they be IN pictures? Why shouldn't the SOs be part of getting ready? Shouldn't boyfriends be invited to the salon, too? Shouldn't girlfriends be invited to the bachelor party? Why should WP members have to process with other WP members when they could process with their SO? And why make the SO sit by themselves during the ceremony? Shouldn't they be standing next to their SO, up at the alter?

Look, there's stuff that the WP does that doesn't involve their SOs. Pictures are one of those things. UNLESS we're talking hours and hours of photos, which is obnoxious anyway.

lyndausvi

southernbelle0915 said:

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

because the SOs aren't in the pictures, but they are eating dinner. If you wanted to say that SOs have to be involved in everything, then why stop at attending pictures? Shouldn't they be IN pictures? Why shouldn't the SOs be part of getting ready? Shouldn't boyfriends be invited to the salon, too? Shouldn't girlfriends be invited to the bachelor party? Why should WP members have to process with other WP members when they could process with their SO? And why make the SO sit by themselves during the ceremony? Shouldn't they be standing next to their SO, up at the alter?

Look, there's stuff that the WP does that doesn't involve their SOs. Pictures are one of those things. UNLESS we're talking hours and hours of photos, which is obnoxious anyway.

I think this is where the gray area comes in.   People are starting to get ready as an exclusive group at 11am for 6 o'clock weddings.  That is obnoxious to me.    

Some of my BMs started getting their hair/makeup done at 11am for our 5pm wedding, but then they went back to the house.  Where their SO's were staying at also.   I had pizza for the house for lunch.  So they/we were able to eat and hang together.    

 2 of my BMs did their own hair/makeup and didn't show up until 3 or 3:30.   Only one had an SO and he didn't come.   

The GMs showed up (with their SOs) at 3:30 for pictures.  (we did first looks and pics before the wedding).    Some or all of them had lunch with DH earlier in the day, but it wasn't an exclusive GM's only all day getting ready event.


I'm good with WP exclusive time together.  It's when it becomes all-day events  it becomes obnoxious, especially for an OOT couple where you generally only have one car, might not know other people, etc.  

Suck it up and spend your whole freaking day in a hotel alone because you are an adult and it's always been done this way is not appropriate in my opinion.        

Back in the day people got married in the afternoon, they started getting ready at 8-9 for 1pm weddings.  That including pre-wedding pictures of just the bride's side or groom's side.  They had pictures at the church and went straight to the reception.  Not location hoping for hours before and/or after the wedding like we are now seeing more and more.


ETA - my wedding was 100% OOT for everyone.  Including us, so our timeline allowed couples to hang out together and not leave an SO alone all day.

kahluakoala

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

Hahaha that's out of control. Entertaining yourself is the equivalent of dog shit and taxes? Sorry you dislike your own company so much!

I don't dislike my own company. . . I prefer it to most people, actually :-P

Doesn't mean I like or want to waste hours upon end alone watching TV in a hotel room, or wandering around trying to kill time, or socializing with random strangers, etc. just because I'm waiting to attend a wedding.

This is why ppl on the boards often suggest that it's a nice gesture to give truly single guests a Plus One if you can, especially if you are having an OOT wedding.

Just like you'd prefer to have alcohol with your meals, I'd prefer not to have to dick around all damn day by myself, waiting to attend a wedding!

But do you enjoy watching other people take photos? That sounds worse to me.

lyndausvi

KahluaKoala said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

Hahaha that's out of control. Entertaining yourself is the equivalent of dog shit and taxes? Sorry you dislike your own company so much!

I don't dislike my own company. . . I prefer it to most people, actually :-P

Doesn't mean I like or want to waste hours upon end alone watching TV in a hotel room, or wandering around trying to kill time, or socializing with random strangers, etc. just because I'm waiting to attend a wedding.

This is why ppl on the boards often suggest that it's a nice gesture to give truly single guests a Plus One if you can, especially if you are having an OOT wedding.

Just like you'd prefer to have alcohol with your meals, I'd prefer not to have to dick around all damn day by myself, waiting to attend a wedding!

But do you enjoy watching other people take photos? That sounds worse to me.

at least in my experience it's rare every one is in the same shot at the same time.  So there is always someone around to be talking too.  For example,  at SILs wedding while DH was taking GM shots, I was talking to my SILs and MIL.  When the BMs shots I was still talking to my MIL and then DH or other GMs.

maybe it's just us. 

PrettyGirlLost

southernbelle0915 said:

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

because the SOs aren't in the pictures, but they are eating dinner. If you wanted to say that SOs have to be involved in everything, then why stop at attending pictures? Shouldn't they be IN pictures? Why shouldn't the SOs be part of getting ready? Shouldn't boyfriends be invited to the salon, too? Shouldn't girlfriends be invited to the bachelor party? Why should WP members have to process with other WP members when they could process with their SO? And why make the SO sit by themselves during the ceremony? Shouldn't they be standing next to their SO, up at the alter?

Look, there's stuff that the WP does that doesn't involve their SOs. Pictures are one of those things. UNLESS we're talking hours and hours of photos, which is obnoxious anyway.

No one said SOs HAD to be involved with everything- you know that.

A bunch of us said that if you are planning on driving all over God's green Earth to take pictures and you have room on the bus for WP SO's it would be nice if you included them.  Why the heck not?

You are just taking pictures, nothing private, personal, or sacred is going on.  No one said the SO's had to be in the photos.

If you as the bride want all your BMs to get ready together and do pre ceremony pics, and post ceremony pics, and travel together, and eat at a head table, that's basically all damn day that your WP is separated from their SO's. . . not JUST an hour during cocktail hour for pictures.  Can adults handle that- sure, most can.  Doesn't mean they want to do it nor that they are going to enjoy doing it, especially if they are traveling OOT.

Look at this timeline: http://forums.theknot.com/discussion/1072937/12-days-out-check-my-timeline-please#latest

So from 11am-7pm the BMs are doing wedding related activities. . . that's 8 hours. 

I can't speak as to whether or not the SO's are invited to participate in any of these pre wedding activities, I'm just using that post as an example because it's recent and it's trending towards the longer side of a typical WP timeline based on my experience being in weddings.

We all get that there are certain things the WP does that doesn't involve SO's.  But that doesn't have to be the case with certain things, if people are willing to change their perspectives a bit.

KahluaKoala said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

STARMOON44 said:

I don't think it sucks. I think spending time alone entertaining yourself is a complete okay thing adults should be perfectly fine with. 

Adults should also be perfectly fine with picking up dog shit and paying taxes, and yet those activities also suck.

And since we all have free will, I can choose not to be perfectly fine with any number of things, even if I'm expected and forced to endure them- like picking up dog shit, and paying taxes, and sitting around all damn day while my SO is doing WP crap.

Hahaha that's out of control. Entertaining yourself is the equivalent of dog shit and taxes? Sorry you dislike your own company so much!

I don't dislike my own company. . . I prefer it to most people, actually :-P

Doesn't mean I like or want to waste hours upon end alone watching TV in a hotel room, or wandering around trying to kill time, or socializing with random strangers, etc. just because I'm waiting to attend a wedding.

This is why ppl on the boards often suggest that it's a nice gesture to give truly single guests a Plus One if you can, especially if you are having an OOT wedding.

Just like you'd prefer to have alcohol with your meals, I'd prefer not to have to dick around all damn day by myself, waiting to attend a wedding!

But do you enjoy watching other people take photos? That sounds worse to me.

When you're in the WP you have to stand around and watch other ppl take photos- you're not in every single one- so it's no different.

Yes, I'd rather be able to hang out with my DH on the shuttle and drink and socialize with everyone in between photos, than milling about cocktail hour w/o him after I've already presumably been w/o him during the pre ceremony crap and the ceremony.

Not because I can't possibly survive w/o him and I'll just be an emotional wreck otherwise, but because I typically prefer his company to everyone else. . . hence why I choose to marry him ;-)

banana468

This is why I think it's all in how you handle and plan the day.

DH and I flew to Florida for his best friend's wedding in May.   DH was the BM.

I knew we'd be split at times but they were cool with me hanging out at various points.   Luckily we had mutual friends going so I hung out with them while they were doing groomsmen / wedding activities.

I'm thrilled that for a 5PM wedding, there was only a split of about 2.5 hours where I wasn't with DH and even then, I would have been welcome but chose not to be showering (bathroom door wasn't opaque) while the men got ready in my room.

ernursej

We are having a friend take the pictures for our wedding. It should be about 30 minutes pre ceremony but I didn't think it was fair to have his wife hanging out by herself. She has been invited to join us during that time. I think that it could go either way but if someone is upset, then try to accommodate.

crowsgirl15

The last wedding I was in, a couple SOs stood around with us while we took pictures. Even with a small bridal party (2 on bride's side, 3 on groom's side) and small immediate families, there were about 12 people standing around taking pictures. With three SOs, there were 15. People milled about talking, oohing and aahing over the bride and groom, and generally just socializing while each person who wasn't the bride and groom was in about 10 pictures total.

My point? It just...wan't a thing. The SOs were there, they were hanging out, they weren't in any pictures, and there was absolutely no awkwardness. I was the MOH, and I wasn't in most of the pictures either, but standing around when I wasn't being photographed wasn't a hardship.

I feel like this thread is making this a bigger deal than it actually is. You don't need to directly invite SOs, and you don't need to turn them away. Will it really be the end of the world if a couple extra people are there in the on deck crowd while you're taking pictures? I can't imagine it will be. Will it be horribly awkward if they choose to go straight to the cocktail hour? Of course not. I just feel like this is something you should let your wedding party decide on their own on a couple-by-couple basis.

flantastic

crowsgirl15 said:

The last wedding I was in, a couple SOs stood around with us while we took pictures. Even with a small bridal party (2 on bride's side, 3 on groom's side) and small immediate families, there were about 12 people standing around taking pictures. With three SOs, there were 15. People milled about talking, oohing and aahing over the bride and groom, and generally just socializing while each person who wasn't the bride and groom was in about 10 pictures total.

My point? It just...wan't a thing. The SOs were there, they were hanging out, they weren't in any pictures, and there was absolutely no awkwardness. I was the MOH, and I wasn't in most of the pictures either, but standing around when I wasn't being photographed wasn't a hardship.

I feel like this thread is making this a bigger deal than it actually is. You don't need to directly invite SOs, and you don't need to turn them away. Will it really be the end of the world if a couple extra people are there in the on deck crowd while you're taking pictures? I can't imagine it will be. Will it be horribly awkward if they choose to go straight to the cocktail hour? Of course not. I just feel like this is something you should let your wedding party decide on their own on a couple-by-couple basis.

YEP. If they decide one is better for them than the other - i.e. @KahluaKoala wants to go to cocktail hour alone, but @PrettyGirlLost wants to come hang out at pictures, just let them do it.

ETA - I feel like some of this argument is similar to not inviting elderly grandparents: "They won't have fun anyway, so I'm not inviting them." Let them make that choice. If you're not willing to have them choose to be there, then it's really about you wanting to monopolize your WP and whatever "atmosphere" that creates.

Casadena

Casadena said:

not trying to be snarky, legitimate question - why is it ok to separate SOs during picture time like this and include them "if you can" but sitting apart for probably the same amount of time for dinner is a huge no-no?  

Just to clarify - I'm very PRO have SOs together for dinner and at photos and at the RD - I should have phrased that better.  I was just curious as to why 2 of the above are absolute necessities, and not the other.  Those were answered for the most part.  

Overall - I'm also not big on driving around for hours with your wedding party only for pictures and think people make a way bigger deal out of this than it needs to be.