No Cake for Me?

Knottie1473800542

I am having a small, private wedding with just parents and grands in attendance. FMIL is taking it super hard and acting as if I am doing this to her intentionally, when FI and I decided long ago it's what we both wanted. To me it feels like she has to disagree with my/our decision about every last thing- and the latest is a cake. FMIL wants a cake at the post ceremony dinner out that we are having, but I almost never eat out and almost never eat dessert because of serious food allergies. 

FI and I already decided to end our wedding with dinner, but now the idea for cake that FMIL wants to choose and order/cake from restaurant/cake I make and serve at post dinner cake and coffee thing is quickly forming. I cook, but I rarely bake because there is so little I can eat without a ton of substitutes, plus I don't like sweets. I also do not want to add baker/coffee and cake party hostess to my list of things to do before we leave for our room for the night and airport the following morning. 

Do I stick to my guns and say no to a cake? Or, let her order a cake for everyone but me to enjoy? If do not want to jam myself with an epipen on my wedding day if someone forgets (because people get carried away or forget or are just dumb) and decides to smash wedding cake into my face. 

OurWildKingdom

I don't know how big your guest list or budget is, but buying their bars and cookies for your guests might be worth a try. (The Double Chocolate Brownies are delicious!)

https://enjoylifefoods.com/

Just arrange them artfully on a platter and get rid of the boxes and wrappers. 

SP29

Just to clarify here...

What exactly is it that your FMIL wants? She wants to order and purchase a cake for the dinner or she wants you to make it?

If she wants you to make a cake and serve coffee- hell to the no! That's not something you need to be worrying yourself about the day before/day of. This dinner is at a restaurant, correct? They should be doing all the serving. If someone wants tea/coffee, they can order it at the restaurant.

Who is hosting the dinner? If it is yourself and your FI, FMIL doesn't get a say.

Are you offering any sort of dessert? Can your guests order a dessert off the restaurant menu? Good hosting requires food and drink appropriate for the time of day, so I suppose dessert is not required, however I don't see anything wrong with FMIL offering to purchase a cake (if she wants it, she orders it, pays for it, picks it up, brings it to the restaurant though). If you don't eat desserts anyway, why does it matter if you eat it or not? The dinner is to thank your guests for attending your ceremony, so the cake is part of your thank you to them- can they not enjoy dessert, even if it's not your thing? Is there a bakery that she could order from that would accommodate your allergies? Is there another dessert you could have that you can meet middle ground with? (FMIL, I have allergies to several ingredients in cake, and I would like to be able to fully enjoy my wedding meal. I would not appreciate cake for the event, but I can enjoy ice cream/ fruit with whip cream/ whatever- so can we discuss serving that instead?).

I fully understand that some people have very significant food allergies, but you said your wedding will include only parents and grandparents- I would assume these people know you have allergies and would never think to smash cake in your face! Honestly, I've not commonly seen a wedding cake smash done in the recent weddings I've been to/ seen pictures from.

ei34

I got a little lost in that sentence with all the slashes.  Does your FMIL want to do a separate cake and coffee thing?  Who would go to that?  The same crowd or different folks?
If what FMIL wants to do is bring a cake along from a bakery (or that she baked), if your restaurant permits outside food, I'd let her.  Although it's not mandatory for you and FI to host dessert for guests, it's a welcomed addition for most people.  So while you don't have to provide a cake, if your FMIL wants to bring one along, I'd let her. 

debbeau

If she wants to order a cake for after dinner from the restaurant let her. A lot of people enjoy dessert after dinner and if there is a lot of left over FMIL can bring it home. I can't imagine a guest would smash cake in your face. 

climbingsingle

If she wants cake, just let her order one. 

charlotte989875

The very few times Ive actually seen a cake to face smash it was the bride and groom, not other guests. So assuming your FI actually knows you then I don't see how there is a potential for you getting cake smashed with something you're highly allergic to. 

If she wants a cake, and wants to pay and handle logistics, I really would let her. It's no hassle for you and keeps your future MIL happy. Now if she wants you to do it all I'd decline. 

STARMOON44

Really? You're not letting the woman have any of her extended family or friends there and you need to make a fuss about a cake you're not interested in eating anyway?

glasgowtolondon

Knottie1473800542 said:

I am having a small, private wedding with just parents and grands in attendance. FMIL is taking it super hard and acting as if I am doing this to her intentionally, when FI and I decided long ago it's what we both wanted. To me it feels like she has to disagree with my/our decision about every last thing- and the latest is a cake. FMIL wants a cake at the post ceremony dinner out that we are having, but I almost never eat out and almost never eat dessert because of serious food allergies. 

FI and I already decided to end our wedding with dinner, but now the idea for cake that FMIL wants to choose and order/cake from restaurant/cake I make and serve at post dinner cake and coffee thing is quickly forming. I cook, but I rarely bake because there is so little I can eat without a ton of substitutes, plus I don't like sweets. I also do not want to add baker/coffee and cake party hostess to my list of things to do before we leave for our room for the night and airport the following morning. 

Do I stick to my guns and say no to a cake? Or, let her order a cake for everyone but me to enjoy? If do not want to jam myself with an epipen on my wedding day if someone forgets (because people get carried away or forget or are just dumb) and decides to smash wedding cake into my face. 

Why would a guest walk up to you unannounced and smash a handful of cake into your face? Is this a thing we should be worried about now?

To be honest this doesn't sound like the kind of hill I would die on. I say let her get the cake. If she isn't paying you don't have to indulge her but for such a small detail it seems like it might go a long way in what sounds like a strained relationship.

lnixon8

Embrace it. Or at least fake like you love the idea. Maybe it will get her off your back and who knows...she might be the type of person to just think "F it, I'm bringing this cake whether she likes it or not"

Knottie1473800542

STARMOON44 said:

Really? You're not letting the woman have any of her extended family or friends there and you need to make a fuss about a cake you're not interested in eating anyway?

Neither of us is having our extended family or friends there. We originally agreed to elope but FMIL caught wind of it and convinced FI she would never forgive him if that happened. Both his parents and grands will be there for the ceremony, that is all. Neither my parents or immediate family will be there because of the visa process if we do it here- where she lives and wants the ceremony to take place. The cake, a ceremony with guest, a dinner with guests, and a post coffee/cake gathering at mine is (I hope) the last in a long slew of things I did not agree to, largely because of the fact that I would pretty much be doing this on my own. 

So, yes, I do not want to fuss over a cake that I would need to make the night before my wedding and picking up my place when I could be relaxing or packing for the flight out the following day.  

Knottie1473800542

lnixon8 said:

Embrace it. Or at least fake like you love the idea. Maybe it will get her off your back and who knows...she might be the type of person to just think "F it, I'm bringing this cake whether she likes it or not"

That was what I originally thought, and why I let her go with the idea, but then it went from "I want to buy you guys a wedding cake" to "can we buy wedding cake there or bring one to the restaurant" to "why don't you make a cake and we all come over for cake and coffee after dinner!"

I have a list of after ceremony things that needs to be done before we head to our hotel for the rest of the afternoon and fly out in the morning. Hosting a coffee and cake reception in my place and cleaning that up too, not to mention making a cake is just making more work for myself. 

Knottie1473800542

eileenrob said:

I got a little lost in that sentence with all the slashes.  Does your FMIL want to do a separate cake and coffee thing?  Who would go to that?  The same crowd or different folks?
If what FMIL wants to do is bring a cake along from a bakery (or that she baked), if your restaurant permits outside food, I'd let her.  Although it's not mandatory for you and FI to host dessert for guests, it's a welcomed addition for most people.  So while you don't have to provide a cake, if your FMIL wants to bring one along, I'd let her. 

Yes, she wants to do a separate cake and coffee thing, but in my home and only the same crowd- his parents and grands (no one from my end). 

Knottie1473800542

charlotte989875 said:

The very few times Ive actually seen a cake to face smash it was the bride and groom, not other guests. So assuming your FI actually knows you then I don't see how there is a potential for you getting cake smashed with something you're highly allergic to. 

If she wants a cake, and wants to pay and handle logistics, I really would let her. It's no hassle for you and keeps your future MIL happy. Now if she wants you to do it all I'd decline. 

While she originally offered to buy and bring the cake, at this point she wants me to handle the cake and host a thing at my place after the meal out. 

Knottie1473800542

SP29 said:

Just to clarify here...

What exactly is it that your FMIL wants? She wants to order and purchase a cake for the dinner or she wants you to make it?

If she wants you to make a cake and serve coffee- hell to the no! That's not something you need to be worrying yourself about the day before/day of. This dinner is at a restaurant, correct? They should be doing all the serving. If someone wants tea/coffee, they can order it at the restaurant.

Who is hosting the dinner? If it is yourself and your FI, FMIL doesn't get a say.

Are you offering any sort of dessert? Can your guests order a dessert off the restaurant menu? Good hosting requires food and drink appropriate for the time of day, so I suppose dessert is not required, however I don't see anything wrong with FMIL offering to purchase a cake (if she wants it, she orders it, pays for it, picks it up, brings it to the restaurant though). If you don't eat desserts anyway, why does it matter if you eat it or not? The dinner is to thank your guests for attending your ceremony, so the cake is part of your thank you to them- can they not enjoy dessert, even if it's not your thing? Is there a bakery that she could order from that would accommodate your allergies? Is there another dessert you could have that you can meet middle ground with? (FMIL, I have allergies to several ingredients in cake, and I would like to be able to fully enjoy my wedding meal. I would not appreciate cake for the event, but I can enjoy ice cream/ fruit with whip cream/ whatever- so can we discuss serving that instead?).

I fully understand that some people have very significant food allergies, but you said your wedding will include only parents and grandparents- I would assume these people know you have allergies and would never think to smash cake in your face! Honestly, I've not commonly seen a wedding cake smash done in the recent weddings I've been to/ seen pictures from.

She wants me to either order or make a cake and to host a cake and coffee at my place after the wedding. The restaurant options aren't to her liking. 

redwoodoriginal

So tell her you will not be making a cake or hosting an after party in your house. If she wants a cake she can bring one to the restaurant. End of discussion. 

DrillSergeantCat

Tell her you are not interested in either making a cake OR hosting a party at your home afterwards. Tell her if she wants a cake, she can buy it and have it served at the dinner.

Jen4948

Tell her that if she wants there to be cake and coffee, either she brings it to the restaurant, she orders it from the restaurant menu, or she hosts a non-wedding-related event in her own home, but you will not be baking a cake or hosting any parties in your home.

climbingsingle

Tell her you won't be able to host anyone at your home, and that if she wants cake, you can have it at the restaurant. 

geebee908

Yep, no way she should be pushing you to make cake and host anyone because that's what she wants. If it means that much to her, she can make her own cake and host her own gathering.

ei34

Knottie1473800542 said:

eileenrob said:

I got a little lost in that sentence with all the slashes.  Does your FMIL want to do a separate cake and coffee thing?  Who would go to that?  The same crowd or different folks?
If what FMIL wants to do is bring a cake along from a bakery (or that she baked), if your restaurant permits outside food, I'd let her.  Although it's not mandatory for you and FI to host dessert for guests, it's a welcomed addition for most people.  So while you don't have to provide a cake, if your FMIL wants to bring one along, I'd let her. 

Yes, she wants to do a separate cake and coffee thing, but in my home and only the same crowd- his parents and grands (no one from my end). 

You're within etiquette just hosting your FILS and the grandparents at the restaurant.  It's totally fine to not want the celebration to trickle back to your home.  You can let FMIL know that you've got a ton to do back home, or you don't have to provide an excuse at all, just reinforcing that the reception will be at the restaurant.  

CMGragain

Tell her you will compromise and have a cake at the reception (restaurant).  You don't have to eat it.  If that isn't good enough, too bad.

PS.  Your FI needs to back you up on this!  Where is he?

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

Tell her you will compromise and have a cake at the reception (restaurant).  You don't have to eat it.  If that isn't good enough, too bad.

PS.  Your FI needs to back you up on this!  Where is he?

I think that if the FMIL wants a cake at the reception and the OP and her FI don't, the FMIL needs to be the one responsible for providing it or ordering and paying for it - not the OP.

STARMOON44

Oh hell no. She wants cake, have cake at the restaurant. No, you aren't making it. No, you aren't hosting anything in your home. No, you will certainly not be doing any sort of after event with just her side. 

CMGragain

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Tell her you will compromise and have a cake at the reception (restaurant).  You don't have to eat it.  If that isn't good enough, too bad.

PS.  Your FI needs to back you up on this!  Where is he?

I think that if the FMIL wants a cake at the reception and the OP and her FI don't, the FMIL needs to be the one responsible for providing it or ordering and paying for it - not the OP.

If you read through all the posts, you will see that FMIL is asking OP to host a separate after dinner event with cake and coffee at OP's  HOME.

Jen4948

CMGragain said:

Jen4948 said:

CMGragain said:

Tell her you will compromise and have a cake at the reception (restaurant).  You don't have to eat it.  If that isn't good enough, too bad.

PS.  Your FI needs to back you up on this!  Where is he?

I think that if the FMIL wants a cake at the reception and the OP and her FI don't, the FMIL needs to be the one responsible for providing it or ordering and paying for it - not the OP.

If you read through all the posts, you will see that FMIL is asking OP to host a separate after dinner event with cake and coffee at OP's  HOME.

I read every fucking word of the thread. The FMIL is not entitled to expect cake and coffee,  regardless of where the reception takes place, PERIOD. She's not paying for the reception.

MesmrEwe

Not a hill to die on to have the cake for your guests/FI at the dinner (confirm the restaurant's parameters before anything else)...  Presuming that the restaurant is providing a main menu that you can eat and won't trigger an allergic response in you, I'd check on if they can provide dessert for you that you can eat even if only a bite.  I get that you're not a "sweets" person, but that doesn't mean others at your reception aren't.  Some types of sweets can be made more savory depending on how they're made.  What about a cheese and fruit course to finish the meal instead?  Have you even checked any of the local bakeries that specialize in making items for those who have food allergies/sensitivities?

Honestly, I'd have your FI (Blood talks to blood here!) say "Mom, I know you want cake, but (bride) has severe food allergies to (list of foods) and sweets aren't her thing.  We do not have any plans to host everyone on our wedding night at our house in the honeymoon suite.  If you want cake, you will need to purchase it from the restaurant for the group or provide it (via restaurant's rules).  If you do provide cake, be aware (Bride) will not likely have any" 

kvruns

she can send the cake to me, I'll eat it 

but in all seriousness, I agree with the others that you are fine to decline hosting an event after the wedding/dinner. FI can tell his mom that if she would like cake she can bring one to the restaurant if it is allowed at the venue but you won't be hosting anything afterward.

SP29

Ok, makes more sense.

I (actually, your FI should be talking to his mother about this, presenting a united front, not you) would be very firm with FMIL, "No Bride will not be making a cake. No we will not be hosting guests at our home after the dinner. Our wedding consists of the ceremony and dinner afterwards at X restaurant. Guests are free to order dessert at the restaurant, but if you are so set on having a cake, you are welcome to provide one on your own time and cost".

levioosa

I'm totally on board with the fact that OP shouldn't have an event at her home after the dinner...especially when she has to cook.  That is some bs.  However, I rolled my eyes a little bit at the allergy part.  Surely there is some type of cake that OP can eat, or can be around.  Allergic to strawberries?  Cool, don't have a strawberry cake.  Diabetic and need to watch carb intake?  Then don't eat the freaking cake.  If FMIL wants to buy a cake and provide it to guests during the rehearsal dinner, then fine.  But don't try to act like a martyr and say you can't observe any desserts being eaten lest you become the next Wicked Witch of the West.  

I'm on board with FI telling FMIL that if she wants cake she can provide it.  And that their house is not an after party event.  I'm rolling my eyes at the "jamming myself with an epipen" remark.  Because there is a compromise somewhere, and hyperbole doesn't help anyone.  

jacques27

1.  Absolutely stand your ground on not making it or hosting it in your home.  Have  it professionally made and served at the reception. 

2.  As someone with a lot of food allergies amd sensitivities who wouldn't be able to eat cake either,  i find your comments on it a bit ridiculous. Most people can eat it and enjoy it.  Denying them that just seems petty and spiteful.  I hope you're not like that about food and hosting others usually.  I'll give the benefit of the doubt that it sounds like you're mad about compromising other parts of your wedding so you decided to dig your heels in on this one - but this doesn't really seem like the hill to die on.

I also don't know what makes you think random guests just go up and smash cake in people's faces.  That's not a thing. At most, it's a thing a few select brides/grooms do to each other when they feed cake to each other because they have the misunderstanding that passive aggressive behavior is cute and makes for good YouTube.  A) You and your spouse won't be feeding each other cake because you can't eat it, and B ) if your spouse would do that to you in light of your allergies then you should be more concerned about the fact you're marrying an asshole (or that you associate with assholes if it is one of your friends or family doing it) and rethink marrying that person or inviting that person instead of denying cake/dessert to family and friends who really would enjoy it. 

(ETA:  And that's especially ridiculous since you indicated the list is just his parents and grandparents and you're eating dinner and that's it.  Really?  You're concerned the other 6 grown adults in a public place are going to get so shit-faced at a simple dinner that they'll lose all of their faculties and decorum and start smashing cake in your face?).