FFIL Invited More Guests to Wedding -- Help with Ceremony Seating

MeetTheLaras

Last night we got a wedding gift delivered. When I opened it, there was a card from someone we did not invite. In fact, I'd only met this woman and her husband once, very briefly. They are friends with my FFIL. Long story short, we called him and found out that he had verbally invited SIX people to the wedding that we were not aware of. Btw, the wedding is this Saturday -- so we have about 5 days notice. We got their phone numbers and called to confirm that they are attending, and all will be. 

After spending a good hour being highly annoyed, we managed to get the caterer updated numbers. My only issue now, is that with the extra table, the tables are encroaching into the ceremony seating area.

So I have two options:
(1) Set up the extra table and have a lopsided ceremony seating set up. We'd have 5 rows on one side and 9 rows on the other.
(2) Set up the extra table during the cocktail hour.

I have to be honest that I'm really wanting to do (1). Simply because I'm the one setting up the tables on Friday, and I would like to know that everything is set up and ready to go before the wedding starts [yeah.. I probably sound controlling here.. Sorry]. And I'm worried that the space is a bit small to have setup going on with the guests in the room.

So is lopsided ceremony seating okay? Or should I suck it up and have the one table set up during cocktail hour?

[P.S. I know I asked a very similar question a few weeks ago.. but I'm just not sold on the setup during cocktail hour and was wondering if this is an acceptable alternative.] 

Edited for words

DrillSergeantCat

If you're the one setting up, I wouldn't want to do it during the cocktail hour. Just go with the lopsided seating. It'll be fine.

MeetTheLaras

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you're the one setting up, I wouldn't want to do it during the cocktail hour. Just go with the lopsided seating. It'll be fine.

Yeah, we technically will have a worker there who could do it. But I just feel like it would be a bit too much to add to the day. 

DrillSergeantCat

MeetTheLaras said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you're the one setting up, I wouldn't want to do it during the cocktail hour. Just go with the lopsided seating. It'll be fine.

Yeah, we technically will have a worker there who could do it. But I just feel like it would be a bit too much to add to the day. 

Tell your FFIL that since he invited people verbally and without your knowledge that it's now his responsibility to set the table up. JK.

A lopsided ceremony really won't be that bad, but what do you really want to do?

MeetTheLaras

DrillSergeantCat said:

MeetTheLaras said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

If you're the one setting up, I wouldn't want to do it during the cocktail hour. Just go with the lopsided seating. It'll be fine.

Yeah, we technically will have a worker there who could do it. But I just feel like it would be a bit too much to add to the day. 

Tell your FFIL that since he invited people verbally and without your knowledge that it's now his responsibility to set the table up. JK.

A lopsided ceremony really won't be that bad, but what do you really want to do?

I really want to tell my FFIL to do it. lol. We were so frustrated when we were talking to him. And he was confused. He didn't realize that we had to pay for each person who attended. I'm not sure how he thought it worked. But we're really riding on the rims this week financially. And this was a blow we weren't expecting. 

I guess I'd rather just have the tables set up and do a lopsided aisle. I just wasn't sure how uncomfortable that might be for guests. 

DrillSergeantCat

MeetTheLaras said:

I really want to tell my FFIL to do it. lol. We were so frustrated when we were talking to him. And he was confused. He didn't realize that we had to pay for each person who attended. I'm not sure how he thought it worked. But we're really riding on the rims this week financially. And this was a blow we weren't expecting. 

I guess I'd rather just have the tables set up and do a lopsided aisle. I just wasn't sure how uncomfortable that might be for guests. 

After you explained it to him, did he offer to pay for them? 

I don't think it will be uncomfortable for anyone. 

ShesSoCold

Have them sit on FFIL's lap.

MeetTheLaras

DrillSergeantCat said:

MeetTheLaras said:

I really want to tell my FFIL to do it. lol. We were so frustrated when we were talking to him. And he was confused. He didn't realize that we had to pay for each person who attended. I'm not sure how he thought it worked. But we're really riding on the rims this week financially. And this was a blow we weren't expecting. 

I guess I'd rather just have the tables set up and do a lopsided aisle. I just wasn't sure how uncomfortable that might be for guests. 

After you explained it to him, did he offer to pay for them? 

I don't think it will be uncomfortable for anyone. 

He made a vague comment about how he's going to give us "help". I am not really sure what that entails. 

cowgirl8238

Personally the seating doesn't matter to me as long as I have a chair for my butt and am not squished in like a sardine in a can!

I would be annoyed with FFIL as well...It's nice that you are being so accommodating, even if it does make you pinch those pennies a little harder.

MeetTheLaras

cowgirl8238 said:

Personally the seating doesn't matter to me as long as I have a chair for my butt and am not squished in like a sardine in a can!

I would be annoyed with FFIL as well...It's nice that you are being so accommodating, even if it does make you pinch those pennies a little harder.

Yeah.. The people he invited, I've met once or twice. My FI knows them a bit better. They are good people, and they probably had no idea we weren't aware they were coming. I felt like I couldn't possibly tell them no. I just wish we had a bit more notice.  

OliveOilsMom

FFIL needs an itemized bill for these people.  What did he expect when these people arrived and had no place to sit?  Thank God those people sent you a gift prior to the wedding because otherwise, you would have had no idea.  And those people probably would have felt really terrible because it would have been very apparent they were crashing the wedding.

I saw in the other post you have the long narrow space as a venue.  Is the ONLY other place for an extra table near the ceremony space?  If so, then just set up the table and have uneven sides the ceremony space. 

But you were doing one long table, right?  Can you put the extra table, set up, next to the 2nd to last table?  That way it only needs to be moved into place after the ceremony and not fully set up?

banana468

Even if you don't actually invoice your FIL, you should make him aware of what the cost actually was.  Well, your FI/DH should be the one to say that while you're welcoming these people, you're doing it because at this point it's almost feeling like it's too late to say now and you don't want to put him in that awkward position - but it WILL be an extra $ and X hours for you two to figure this out.

I'm really glad that in any of our issues, we never had to deal with that. 

MeetTheLaras

OliveOilsMom said:

FFIL needs an itemized bill for these people.  What did he expect when these people arrived and had no place to sit?  Thank God those people sent you a gift prior to the wedding because otherwise, you would have had no idea.  And those people probably would have felt really terrible because it would have been very apparent they were crashing the wedding.

I saw in the other post you have the long narrow space as a venue.  Is the ONLY other place for an extra table near the ceremony space?  If so, then just set up the table and have uneven sides the ceremony space. 

But you were doing one long table, right?  Can you put the extra table, set up, next to the 2nd to last table?  That way it only needs to be moved into place after the ceremony and not fully set up?

Unfortunately, that's the only space available for an additional table. But I really like the idea of having the table set up, but next to the second to last table. I could see that working without being too much hassle. 

And yeah.. I would love to bill him for those people. But I don't think it's worth it. We'll just suck it up and move on. But just to vent about something else that happened..

He was responsible for helping find some of the workers (our venue doesn't provide any) to help set up and take down. And we were casually discussing it yesterday, and he mentioned that he told them they could have a plate of food from the buffet. We had never discussed that, nor did we budget for that with the caterer. So we had to tell him to provide pizza or snacks in the "kitchen" area of the venue for the workers. I'm not sure if that's a proper thing to do, but we just were not prepared for that request at all. 

EDIT: We did plan for the photographer/DJ to have a plate of food from the buffet. But I just spaced when it came to the setup/take down people. I guess I figured they wouldn't actually be in the building during the event unless we had to do the table set up. Am I wrong in not providing them with a meal from the buffet?

cowgirl8238

MeetTheLaras said:

He was responsible for helping find some of the workers (our venue doesn't provide any) to help set up and take down. And we were casually discussing it yesterday, and he mentioned that he told them they could have a plate of food from the buffet. We had never discussed that, nor did we budget for that with the caterer. So we had to tell him to provide pizza or snacks in the "kitchen" area of the venue for the workers. I'm not sure if that's a proper thing to do, but we just were not prepared for that request at all. 

Oh we would so be getting a bill from if he did that too!!! I'm not one to get upset over the little things but that would get me angry.  It feels like you need to sit down with FFIL and FI and make sure there aren't any other "surprises" that you aren't aware of yet!

MeetTheLaras

cowgirl8238 said:

MeetTheLaras said:

He was responsible for helping find some of the workers (our venue doesn't provide any) to help set up and take down. And we were casually discussing it yesterday, and he mentioned that he told them they could have a plate of food from the buffet. We had never discussed that, nor did we budget for that with the caterer. So we had to tell him to provide pizza or snacks in the "kitchen" area of the venue for the workers. I'm not sure if that's a proper thing to do, but we just were not prepared for that request at all. 

Oh we would so be getting a bill from if he did that too!!! I'm not one to get upset over the little things but that would get me angry.  It feels like you need to sit down with FFIL and FI and make sure there aren't any other "surprises" that you aren't aware of yet!

Oh we did. I asked every question I could think of. And I didn't discover anything else. My FI was just as shocked. He had no idea his dad was making all these arrangements without telling us. 

Normally, I would have found the workers myself, but FFIL has a maintenance company and has several employees who are reliable. So we left that up to him, thinking it would be simple. Things I wish I could take back...

TheMostHappy15

Yeah I'd be having a talk with FFIL about the fact he's really put you out over all this. I realize that it serves no purpose at this point other than making him feel bad, but honestly he needs to feel bad so he's more thoughtful about stuff like this in the future. 

drglitter

I think you're handling it the best way you can. Uneven rows will be ok. Ours is a strangely shaped room and we'll have rows on one side going from wide in the front to narrow in the back and the opposite on the other side. I don't think people will care, or notice as long as they have somewhere to sit.

My question is who are these people who assume a verbal invite from someone who's not the bride or groom is a legit invitation? I'm pretty sure if I was those people I would have nodded and smiled and not assumed I was invited until or unless I got a written invitation.

MeetTheLaras

drglitter said:

I think you're handling it the best way you can. Uneven rows will be ok. Ours is a strangely shaped room and we'll have rows on one side going from wide in the front to narrow in the back and the opposite on the other side. I don't think people will care, or notice as long as they have somewhere to sit.

My question is who are these people who assume a verbal invite from someone who's not the bride or groom is a legit invitation? I'm pretty sure if I was those people I would have nodded and smiled and not assumed I was invited until or unless I got a written invitation.

Yeah, so I was confused about that as well. Apparently he told them that we were mailing him invitations to hand out to these people, but we've been so busy that we hadn't done it yet. And then he told yesterday that he intended to tell us to mail him extra invitations for him to pass out. 

He gave them our wedding website though, since that's how one of the couples found the registry.

southernbelle0915

Honestly, I would ask your FFIL to set it up during cocktail hour. He caused this mess and if he wants his friends to have a place to sit, he can fix it. 

[Deleted User]

@MeetTheLaras I wouldn't assume the set up people would get food either. I would assume they are there for approx 3 hours before everything starts. Is this different from what you are doing? If they are going to be there during dinner then yes, food should be provided. But there's nothing necessarily wrong with feeding them pizza in the back room. It's not like the photographers or djs who have to be in the same room. 
But if they don't need to be around during dinner I won't think they need to be fed at all. 

Jen4948

Lopsided seating is fine, but I think you have a bigger problem than that.

I think you and your FI need to quantify for your FFIL exactly what's involved for entertaining every guest and then ask him to clarify how he plans to "help." Don't let him get away with being vague. Tell him, "We realize that you think it's no big deal to add extra people to the guest list without checking with us, but your actions have resulted in X, Y, and Z adverse consequences and inconvenience to us. You've told us that you plan to 'help' us, but we need to hear specifically how you plan to do that."

MeetTheLaras

Ironring said:

@MeetTheLaras I wouldn't assume the set up people would get food either. I would assume they are there for approx 3 hours before everything starts. Is this different from what you are doing? If they are going to be there during dinner then yes, food should be provided. But there's nothing necessarily wrong with feeding them pizza in the back room. It's not like the photographers or djs who have to be in the same room. 
But if they don't need to be around during dinner I won't think they need to be fed at all. 

That's exactly what's happening. They will be there that morning, and then again that night to clean up. They won't be around during the ceremony or reception. The only reason they would be around, is if I decided to set up the table during the cocktail hour. Then I would need them for that. But other than that, they'll be somewhere else. 

MeetTheLaras

Jen4948 said:

Lopsided seating is fine, but I think you have a bigger problem than that.

I think you and your FI need to quantify for your FFIL exactly what's involved for entertaining every guest and then ask him to clarify how he plans to "help." Don't let him get away with being vague. Tell him, "We realize that you think it's no big deal to add extra people to the guest list without checking with us, but your actions have resulted in X, Y, and Z adverse consequences and inconvenience to us. You've told us that you plan to 'help' us, but we need to hear specifically how you plan to do that."

I know. We told him how much it was going to cost to add in those 6 people. And he really had no idea. With so much going on right now, I feel like I want to wait until after the wedding to discuss the financial impact his choices had on us. But you're right, I think it does need to be discussed further. 

Jen4948

MeetTheLaras said:

Jen4948 said:

Lopsided seating is fine, but I think you have a bigger problem than that.

I think you and your FI need to quantify for your FFIL exactly what's involved for entertaining every guest and then ask him to clarify how he plans to "help." Don't let him get away with being vague. Tell him, "We realize that you think it's no big deal to add extra people to the guest list without checking with us, but your actions have resulted in X, Y, and Z adverse consequences and inconvenience to us. You've told us that you plan to 'help' us, but we need to hear specifically how you plan to do that."

I know. We told him how much it was going to cost to add in those 6 people. And he really had no idea. With so much going on right now, I feel like I want to wait until after the wedding to discuss the financial impact his choices had on us. But you're right, I think it does need to be discussed further. 

Just don't postpone it indefinitely.

[Deleted User]

@MeetTheLaras I wouldn't go out of my way to give them food then. If your FFIL wants to (especially because he was the one who promised) then he can figure out getting them pizza or something. 

DrillSergeantCat

Ironring said:

@MeetTheLaras I wouldn't go out of my way to give them food then. If your FFIL wants to (especially because he was the one who promised) then he can figure out getting them pizza or something. 

Or paying for them to have whatever meal you're serving the guests. FFIL just seems clueless, but this kind of proves my point that people don't realize that weddings aren't free.

MesmrEwe

Lopsided set-up ahead of time is far more preferable!  One less thing for you to stress about!

CMGragain

I find it rather odd that your FFIL's friends assume they are invited to a wedding to which they did not receive a written invitation!  If someone verbally invited me to their daughter's wedding, I would call the bride and double check with her, giving her ample opportunity to wiggle out of the situation.

banana468

CMGragain said:

I find it rather odd that your FFIL's friends assume they are invited to a wedding to which they did not receive a written invitation!  If someone verbally invited me to their daughter's wedding, I would call the bride and double check with her, giving her ample opportunity to wiggle out of the situation.

And you'd have the phone number of her how?   Do you regularly not believe your friends?

photokitty

banana468 said:

CMGragain said:

I find it rather odd that your FFIL's friends assume they are invited to a wedding to which they did not receive a written invitation!  If someone verbally invited me to their daughter's wedding, I would call the bride and double check with her, giving her ample opportunity to wiggle out of the situation.

And you'd have the phone number of her how?   Do you regularly not believe your friends?

While I might not call the bride, I would not believe my friend until a paper invite arrived. People say things in passing, sometimes they are excited and speak out of turn. I've had distant friends say I would be invited and an invite never arrived. Rude, yes, but note worst thing in the world. Showing up without a formal invite would be far worse IMO.

If I never received an actual invite with date, time and location, I would not plan to attend. Also I assume I would know my friend well enough to know if he was the type to do this, then I might contact his son or daughter to confirm. But I'd never show up without receiving the formal invite and properly rsvp-ing.

banana468

photokitty said:

banana468 said:

CMGragain said:

I find it rather odd that your FFIL's friends assume they are invited to a wedding to which they did not receive a written invitation!  If someone verbally invited me to their daughter's wedding, I would call the bride and double check with her, giving her ample opportunity to wiggle out of the situation.

And you'd have the phone number of her how?   Do you regularly not believe your friends?

While I might not call the bride, I would not believe my friend until a paper invite arrived. People say things in passing, sometimes they are excited and speak out of turn. I've had distant friends say I would be invited and an invite never arrived. Rude, yes, but note worst thing in the world. Showing up without a formal invite would be far worse IMO.

If I never received an actual invite with date, time and location, I would not plan to attend. Also I assume I would know my friend well enough to know if he was the type to do this, then I might contact his son or daughter to confirm. But I'd never show up without receiving the formal invite and properly rsvp-ing.

But my point is that if all of these people are allegedly showing up then there must be something about the FIL that allows these people to put their trust in him with what he says.  

I might do things differently depending on the circumstance but we have multiple couples here so the FIL is clearly leading them to believe that they're wanted.