In the mood to chat...long post...

RedheadIshida

Being a housewife? We won't know what she chooses to do with her adult life until she is there.

Actually, I will only be at home for a little while longer. The little guy will go into pre-school so I will be able to do something else then. If my language skills get better and I pass the language teaching test, I can pursue that. Tutoring would be especially rewarding. 

Dad is very happy to care for his family until the little guy is in school. We are happy being an "old fashioned" family for now. It's actually very respected still. Even if your opinion is that women always have to be working outside of the home, it isn't always that way. I will just continue studying while I am at home.

We are very close to getting everything paid for, so we started planning again. We have to be married within a certain amount of time once I get over there. So that's why I am jumping back into the swing of things. 

In Japan people tend to spend a lot on weddings, but we won't be doing that. However, we do have to look very presentable. So I shopped around for a long time to find a deal. Whichever dress I don't use, we will resell on a website similar to ebay, but it is just for Japan. I'll probably sell both of them, now that I think of it. 

ILoveBeachMusic

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern.

That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 

Ok I am offended by this remark. I was a stay at home mom for many years and yes it is a job. I'm not saying it is for everyone but it is a job - it just doesn't pay. Yes, there are people who can't afford to be a stay at home mom.

TheMostHappy15

OP, you are the one who decided to make a very long post dedicated solely to telling us a lot of personal details about your relationship, family, and life... it was your decision to put this out there and it was obvious doing so would invite questions and comments. 

Try to think about how the info you provided would read to someone who knows nothing about you other than what you've written here. We know your daughter has a great support system with an adoring grandmother who has helped raise her and a great dad who also has a great partner of his own. We know you are taking her away from that support system to live in a completely foreign country (where she presumably doesn't even speak the language) in a house with a bunch of people she's never met in her life, all for a man you haven't seen in person for two and a half years. Can you not see how that would definitely seem like a bad, even cruel decision to people for whom that is basically the only information you've made available?

You have said you have a huge amount of debt that has prevented you from physically being with the father of your son, but you also refuse to get a job and you plan to spend hundreds of dollars on wedding dresses. It is natural for people to question those decisions because- I think if you look at it objectively, you will agree- when those are all the facts you have, that looks like an insanely irresponsible thing to do. 

All these people here are perfectly willing to accept that you may have your reasons- even good reasons- for doing any of these things, but they are not apparent in the information you provided and that's all we have to go on. 

Honestly this is why most people don't jump onto these boards and make a lengthy "dear diary" post basically right off the bat. It invites a lot of questions and scrutiny on your life, which is inevitably frustrating as we don't actually know enough about you to offer helpful or meaningful advice or support, and you feel frustrated that you're continuing to have to backtrack and give us context and explanations for things in order to make a life story post like this actually make sense to us. It's much easier and more natural for people to get to know each other through regular participation in the forums over a longer period of time, rather than barging in and spouting off a bunch of facts about yourself out of nowhere, then getting mad when people who don't know you at all don't seem to fully understand where you are coming from.

RedheadIshida

I am happy to answer your questions. So I did.  

charlotte989875

Interesting about the debt and passports; I have thousands of dollars in federal student loan debt, that I make monthly payments on. Having debt is one thing, actually paying it off is another. You say you got a loan- do you have a plan to pay that off? You obviously don't need to share what that is, but you have to see where people on here are coming from. 

Being a stay at home mother is a worthy choice for anyone to make if it is right for them, however it is not a job. You do not get paid at the end of the month. You say your FI is taking care of two families, yours in the states and his abroad, but if having you son meet his father is that important to you, why haven't you also supplemented your income? Unfortunately, being a SAHM is not always something everyone can choose to do, even if they want to/they are "meant for it". I'm assuming if you have federal debt you likely don't qualify for unemployment or disability (although I might be completely wrong here). There are just a lot of red flags here that posters are responding to. They see concern for you and your children. 

If you can't pay for necessities now (and I would argue a son seeing his father, save for circumstances where this is dangerous to the child, is a necessity) how are you going to move across the world? How are you going to pay to move or store stuff? Plane tickets for you, your son, and your daughter? For her to fly back? 

People can only respond to what you post. If we're reading things incorrectly, then correct it, but just because people picked up on some issues, doesn't mean we're trying to make you feel bad.

STARMOON44

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern.

That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 

Ok I am offended by this remark. I was a stay at home mom for many years and yes it is a job. I'm not saying it is for everyone but it is a job - it just doesn't pay. Yes, there are people who can't afford to be a stay at home mom.

It isn't a job. It's a relationship, it's a calling, it is important, it is a whole heck of a lot of hard work, but it isn't a job. You don't get paid, so it's not a job. 

RedheadIshida

Yes, being a stay at home mom certainly is a job. I also had a small business from home as well. It was our supplemental income and paid for the smaller bills. Hoping to start that back up when I get settled again, since I will have a moment or two to do that. I'm very much looking forward to it. I can work while I'm studying. I have my hands full right now. 

STARMOON44

charlotte989875 said:

Interesting about the debt and passports; I have thousands of dollars in federal student loan debt, that I make monthly payments on. Having debt is one thing, actually paying it off is another. You say you got a loan- do you have a plan to pay that off? You obviously don't need to share what that is, but you have to see where people on here are coming from. 

Being a stay at home mother is a worthy choice for anyone to make if it is right for them, however it is not a job. You do not get paid at the end of the month. You say your FI is taking care of two families, yours in the states and his abroad, but if having you son meet his father is that important to you, why haven't you also supplemented your income? Unfortunately, being a SAHM is not always something everyone can choose to do, even if they want to/they are "meant for it". I'm assuming if you have federal debt you likely don't qualify for unemployment or disability (although I might be completely wrong here). There are just a lot of red flags here that posters are responding to. They see concern for you and your children. 

If you can't pay for necessities now (and I would argue a son seeing his father, save for circumstances where this is dangerous to the child, is a necessity) how are you going to move across the world? How are you going to pay to move or store stuff? Plane tickets for you, your son, and your daughter? For her to fly back? 

People can only respond to what you post. If we're reading things incorrectly, then correct it, but just because people picked up on some issues, doesn't mean we're trying to make you feel bad.

Why are you jumping right into moving over there with him and getting married ASAP instead of going for a visit?

TheMostHappy15

RedheadIshida said:

I am happy to answer your questions. So I did.  

------STUCK IN THE BOX------

Okay but do you see what I'm saying about the fact that we only have the information you provide us with to go on? It's not fair for you to say we're been "inappropriate" and "negative" when we are literally just reacting to the little you've told us about yourself.

Anyway, you also haven't really answered a lot of people's questions.

ILoveBeachMusic

STARMOON44 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern.

That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 

Ok I am offended by this remark. I was a stay at home mom for many years and yes it is a job. I'm not saying it is for everyone but it is a job - it just doesn't pay. Yes, there are people who can't afford to be a stay at home mom.

It isn't a job. It's a relationship, it's a calling, it is important, it is a whole heck of a lot of hard work, but it isn't a job. You don't get paid, so it's not a job. 

You don't get a paycheck but the savings in childcare can equal a salary. I had three children. Instead of paying childcare x3, I stayed at home - that amount of money could be considered "pay". I'm not trying to be argumentative, but that kind of statement always annoys me.

STARMOON44

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern.

That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 

Ok I am offended by this remark. I was a stay at home mom for many years and yes it is a job. I'm not saying it is for everyone but it is a job - it just doesn't pay. Yes, there are people who can't afford to be a stay at home mom.

It isn't a job. It's a relationship, it's a calling, it is important, it is a whole heck of a lot of hard work, but it isn't a job. You don't get paid, so it's not a job. 

You don't get a paycheck but the savings in childcare can equal a salary. I had three children. Instead of paying childcare x3, I stayed at home - that amount of money could be considered "pay". I'm not trying to be argumentative, but that kind of statement always annoys me.

It could be considered pay, except words have meanings and it actually isn't actually pay at all. Being a mom is not a job, and acknowledging that reality isn't an insult. 

TheMostHappy15

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

I'm a stay at home mom. That is my job right now. Especially since I am having issues with my body. I don't see any "caring" vibes in any of these responses except for SP29's.

I already have a backup. Thanks for your concern.

That isn't a job. You have so much debt you can't get a passport? Get a job. You can't afford to be a stay at home mom. 

Ok I am offended by this remark. I was a stay at home mom for many years and yes it is a job. I'm not saying it is for everyone but it is a job - it just doesn't pay. Yes, there are people who can't afford to be a stay at home mom.

It isn't a job. It's a relationship, it's a calling, it is important, it is a whole heck of a lot of hard work, but it isn't a job. You don't get paid, so it's not a job. 

You don't get a paycheck but the savings in childcare can equal a salary. I had three children. Instead of paying childcare x3, I stayed at home - that amount of money could be considered "pay". I'm not trying to be argumentative, but that kind of statement always annoys me.

I agree with Starmoon. Just because it makes the most financial sense in some situations doesn't make it a job... it is literally not something you are paid to do. (For the record, I plan to be a SAHM when I have kids, so I totally understand being sensitive to comments that are dismissive of that decision... I just don't think this is one.)

Ultimately though this is a squabble over nothing- some people are defining "job" as something you are paid to do and some are defining it as the work that you do on a daily basis. Everyone here (I think) agrees it is an important, difficult, worthwhile thing to do in many cases. I personally think it is also a privilege, and not something you should choose to do as a single parent with a huge amount of debt that is actively preventing you from raising your children in a loving two-parent home.

RedheadIshida

Yes, staying home and running the small business made more sense financially. Childcare was very expensive, and the child care providers were not good. I look forward to being able to work again soon-ish. For now, I will be at home. Debt will be paid off soon. 

STARMOON44

RedheadIshida said:

Yes, staying home and running the small business made more sense financially. Childcare was very expensive, and the child care providers were not good. I look forward to being able to work again soon-ish. For now, I will be at home. Debt will be paid off soon. 

Will you have a work Visa in Japan?

MissKittyDanger

RedheadIshida said:

Yes, staying home and running the small business made more sense financially. Childcare was very expensive, and the child care providers were not good. I look forward to being able to work again soon-ish. For now, I will be at home. Debt will be paid off soon. 

If you aren't technically working, how did you get debt? Specifically, how did companies allow you to get a visa/mastercard, line of credit, etc.?

RedheadIshida

No, I won't need one if we get married right away. That is why we will be getting married right away. It's a legal process that has required us to have to hire a lawyer so that all of our applications are done properly. We also have an ex-pat friend who works as a city commissioner in my guy's city. That is very helpful. He has been through the process when he married his Japanese wife. It's also nice to have a native English speaker to talk with. He also loves to play music, so we have someone to do things with occasionally. 

climbingsingle

If you're in debt, how are you going to afford to fly your daughter back and forth from Japan? 

STARMOON44

RedheadIshida said:

No, I won't need one if we get married right away. That is why we will be getting married right away. It's a legal process that has required us to have to hire a lawyer so that all of our applications are done properly. We also have an ex-pat friend who works as a city commissioner in my guy's city. That is very helpful. He has been through the process when he married his Japanese wife. It's also nice to have a native English speaker to talk with. He also loves to play music, so we have someone to do things with occasionally. 

That makes sense. Except for the part where you're not going to visit first. You don't work so why not go with your kids for a summer first? Your daughter wouldn't need to change schools and you could all try this out without making so many changes all at once?

RedheadIshida

Well, that's pretty simple. Pay off the debt. In above comments I stated that the debt is almost entirely paid. Therefore, I am starting the wedding planning process and enjoying the fun parts. 

I got very sick and wasn't able to work. I'm not sick anymore. 

TheMostHappy15

I'm still wondering what the situation with your daughter is!

1. How is your ex-MIL, who has apparently had a huge role in raising your daughter, taking the news that you are moving her across the the world?

2. For that matter, how does her father feel about that fact?

3. How exactly will she split her time between Japan and the US? Is she going to have to navigate two totally different school systems?

4. Are you concerned about the fact that you are taking your daughter to live with strangers (both to her and to you) in a place very few people speak her language? Are you worried that could make her uncomfortable, sad, impede her development, cause behavioral issues and acting out?

Look, I totally get that sometimes life happens and children of divorce end up having to live far apart from one parent or the other. But, as nice as it would be to let your son get to know his dad's side of the family, it really seems like it would make more sense to prioritize their stability and keep them in the only home they've ever known, where they already have an extensive support network, rather than uprooting their whole existence to go live somewhere basically just because you have an interest in the culture. It's easy for adults to decide a move halfway around the world is going to be a fun and enriching adventure... less so for little ones who thrive on familiarity and stability. I would arrange for my FI's family to come visit the family in the States.

STARMOON44

RedheadIshida said:

Well, that's pretty simple. Pay off the debt. In above comments I stated that the debt is almost entirely paid. Therefore, I am starting the wedding planning process and enjoying the fun parts. 

I got very sick and wasn't able to work. I'm not sick anymore. 

Was this a reply to me? If so it doesn't answer my question at all. 

lyndausvi

So you can't afford to visit your FI at this point.    Who is going go pay for your daughter to go back and forth?   That is not cheap.  Especially if she is under the age of I think 14?  Maybe even 16.  As they require an adult to travel with the minor kid.  Which means double the airline ticket cost.

I'm pretty shocked your ex would even allow her to live part-time outside the country.    I wouldn't be surprised if you get some push back on that.  If they do allow it's not unusual for the parent moving to have to cover any and all expenses reuniting the child with the other parent.    


My parents and brothers lived in Japan for 4 years.  My brothers graduated from an American school over there.   It was some of the best times of their lives.  

They had 2 friends (non-related) who had divorced parents.   It was pretty hard on these friends to see the other parent.   When one kid first moved over his mom and SD thought it would be "easy" for them to fly the kid back to the states.   They were required by court order to fly him back a few times a year and pay for the expenses.  The first year wasn't horrible, but as the years went on it got harder and harder.   The expense alone was more than than they thought.   They even tried to just stop the visits altogether or down to once a year.   This family was lucky to make a lot of money.  The SD would fly back to the states on business, so they were able to arrange some visits around his work schedule in order to cut some of the expenses (work would pay for SD's flight).  It was still a lot more complicated than any of them would realize.

I guess my point is it's not as easy as "she gets to live in 2 places".

RedheadIshida

I think the answers to those questions have been answered within our very close family. All of us are in agreeance with our decisions and everyone is excited about spending lots of time in Japan. Especially my daughter.

I actually didn't have much interest in Japan, but since I study anthropology, I am happy to learn more. 

You can arrange for them to come visit the states again, but you would have to run their business for them while they are away. 

RedheadIshida

Airfare is already taken care of, but thanks for the concern.  

lyndausvi

Often times the idea and reality of the situation differ.

Plus in-laws might just be putting on a show knowing you have a long way to actually getting your passport.  When reality hits they might very well be singing a different tune.


Good luck.  You are going to need it.

TheMostHappy15

RedheadIshida said:

I think the answers to those questions have been answered within our very close family. All of us are in agreeance with our decisions and everyone is excited about spending lots of time in Japan. Especially my daughter.

I actually didn't have much interest in Japan, but since I study anthropology, I am happy to learn more. 

You can arrange for them to come visit the states again, but you would have to run their business for them while they are away. 

Okay but this is my point, why start a whole post to talk about your life and then when people ask about your life you say basically just say "don't worry about it"? 

Literally I don't care what you do, it's your life. I just think it's obnoxious to draw a bunch of attention to yourself and then try to act all coy when people respond.

TheMostHappy15

And on a related note, I'm officially 95% sure this person is trolling so I probably should stop pushing for/expecting much more out of her! Lol. 

ETA: Why couldn't this post have happened tomorrow? I was just thinking I'm going to need some amusing nonsense to get me through the long hours of work before going home to watch election results in utter terror.

STARMOON44

RedheadIshida said:

Airfare is already taken care of, but thanks for the concern.  

Is your fiancé struggling to pay rent for two families while you stay home unemployed or blessed with sufficient funds for multiple expensive plane tickets and school tuition?

lyndausvi

STARMOON44 said:

RedheadIshida said:

Airfare is already taken care of, but thanks for the concern.  

Is your fiancé struggling to pay rent for two families while you stay home unemployed or blessed with sufficient funds for multiple expensive plane tickets and school tuition?

airline could be in form of buddy passes.   I'm guessing.  Otherwise isn't another example of not being financially savvy. 

RedheadIshida

I said "thanks for the concerns." Which actually means "thanks for the concerns". Thank you for wishing me good luck. 

I could record our family conversations and share them in a file. I will do that at a later date. We have a family meeting every morning with Japanese family and my ex-MIL, and another family meeting in the evening with just us in the U.S. 

I really don't mind doing that. We also do language and cooking lessons so it's a good opportunity for everyone.