• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Chit Chat

I just...need to vent

This election season has been rough on everyone (I live in the US if that's not obvious). I have a pretty solid core group if friends where we live now who pretty much all feel the same way politically and we've all made plans to start stepping up our activism. We're mostly all white and have talked about white privilege and how our eyes have been opened to things we had no idea were still happening in this country.

FI & I met up with another couple last night to talk about how we're all handling this. They basically told us if we don't kick every Trump supporter out of our lives, we can't continue to be friends with them. This would include my dad and about half of my extended family. I said I appreciate how strongly they feel about this and asked them to understand everyone is in a different place with the level of activism they're comfortable with. I'm not ready to stop speaking to my family. I'm disappointed as hell, but I'm trying to look for ways to educate them. FI is also in AA and he said he has friends there that he thinks are Trump supporters, but they don't really talk about it because those relationships are recovery focused. These friends told him he's being selfish putting his sobriety abovery minority groups.

They got up and left, and we sat there shocked. Is there anything we could have done differently? I'm beyond hurt to lose these friends but at the same time, they're the ones who gave an ultimatum. I was thinking things would cool down after a while (they were on vacay with a few other people during the election & got into some heated discussions), but it doesn't seem to be going that way.
«1

Re: I just...need to vent

  • Like, it's perfectly fine for you to decide the boundaries of your own life, and if you don't want to maintain relationships with people who don't share your values I fully support that. But to me extending that to I won't be friends with anyone who has not also set those boundaries is controlling and so privileged- must be nice to be blessed with such an abundant social circle with enough support that you can afford to cut so many people out of your life for such a tenuous connection. 

    I wouldn't be friends with someone who voted for Trump but I'm not weeding out anyone who has an uncle who did. 
    charlotte989875kimmiinthemittenmonkeysip
  • You said it best, everyone has a level of activism they are comfortable with, and cannot dictate to others what this level is. They are wrong to try and force you into a position that you are not comfortable taking. 

    That being said, maybe they will calm down? This has been an abnormal election, with signifiant consequences for many groups or people with certain identities. I know being who are experiencing genuine fear about what this means for themselves, their families, and friends. Maybe your friends are reacting to this fear? Maybe this is how their stress is manifesting itself? I am not saying you need to be okay with how they acted (they were completely out of line), but maybe there is a reason for it?
    OurWildKingdom
  • lc07lc07 Sunny Southern California member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    Agree 100% with Lynda. I totally put myself in an echo-chamber during this election season and didn't realize it until November 8th. I can use this as a learning experience to really hear other conversations around the country that are different than the ones I am having with people who think like I do. And maybe it can help us put up a candidate in the future that speaks to the needs of a more diverse set of people (who isn't also a total psycho). My experience now that I've LISTENED to more folks who voted Trump are conversations about jobs in america, healthcare, trust, and a change from politics as usual.
    lyndausvi
  • So, those "friends" are horrible people with no consideration, empathy, or manners. Why waste time "educating" them about lessons everyone learned in kindergarten. 

    Have some courage of your own convictions here. When someone tells you that you must shun your family and support system to be friends with you leave!


    So. much. this. And so well said.

    How is shunning and hating more people supposed to help anything?

    Personally, I don't think that me hating you (general) for X is any better than you hating X.

    Both of these!

    I also understand the extended family situation. I'm Canadian, but my H's extended family are Conservatives and we're more NDP or Liberal. It makes for some tension at family meals BUT they're {and us} respectful enough to understand we won't agree on certain things.

    Don't be upset about losing these "friends"
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    This I also disagree with. I don't need to be personal friends with people who support white supremacy. Got better things to do with my time than be friends with people who think I should be deported. I think we all get to draw our own boundaries on this. 
    I agree with that.  

    However, a flat out eco-chamber of only like minded people is dangerous in my opinion.  








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    charlotte989875SP29vikinganna87
  • lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    This I also disagree with. I don't need to be personal friends with people who support white supremacy. Got better things to do with my time than be friends with people who think I should be deported. I think we all get to draw our own boundaries on this. 
    I agree with that.  

    However, a flat out eco-chamber of only like minded people is dangerous in my opinion.  


    Fully agree with that. I just think there are plenty of other ways to avoid the echo-chamber. 
    lyndausvi
  • lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    This I also disagree with. I don't need to be personal friends with people who support white supremacy. Got better things to do with my time than be friends with people who think I should be deported. I think we all get to draw our own boundaries on this. 
    I agree with that.  

    However, a flat out eco-chamber of only like minded people is dangerous in my opinion.  


    I'm not following what 'eco-chamber' is
  • KatWAGKatWAG Chicago member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    lyndausvi said:
    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    This I also disagree with. I don't need to be personal friends with people who support white supremacy. Got better things to do with my time than be friends with people who think I should be deported. I think we all get to draw our own boundaries on this. 
    I agree with that.  

    However, a flat out eco-chamber of only like minded people is dangerous in my opinion.  


    I'm not following what 'eco-chamber' is
    think of it like putting yourself in a bubble. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
    lyndausviMissKittyDanger
  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    I agree with that.  

    However, a flat out eco-chamber of only like minded people is dangerous in my opinion.  


    I'm not following what 'eco-chamber' is
    That is because I'm a horrible speller.    It should be echo chamber.    

    Meaning certain ideas are amplified and reenforced because any opposing views are either not allowed or just underrepresented. Like KatWag said, putting yourself in a bubble.     








    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    MissKittyDanger
  • lyndausvi said:
    And this ladies and gentlemen is why so many people are in shock Trump even won.  Or at least that is my opinion.   So many put themselves in a eco-chamber with only like-minded ideas.  As such, they become blindsided that there actually could be other opinions outside of their own.

    I voted for Hillary.   I have friends and family on all sides.  Republican, Democrat, Green, Libertarian.  I never block anyone. I do not cut them totally out of my life.  I might pull back a little, but never completely.  I want to know what they are thinking. I want to know their reasons on why they view an issue the way they do. 

    How in the world will you ever have a chance to possibly change someone's view on a subject if you completely cut them off?     Or on the flip side, maybe, just maybe you will be able to see their perspective on something and change your own mind or at the very least understand what they are saying.  Still not agree and/or put as high up on the priority list, at least get why they think that way.

    Voting isn't about one issue.  We all have passionate about different issues. Some lean more towards social issues.  Others towards economical one.   Still others are like me and those issues can be come fluid from election to election.  

    The priorities in NYC/LA and middle america are COMPLETELY different from each other.  If you are in small town US and can't put food on the table and your town is dying because all factory jobs are gone, social issues that might not effect you directly are just not your priority at this time.   You want the person who claims they can bring jobs back to your town, puts food on the table.       Doesn't mean you are against social issues, it's just it's not your priority at this time.

    On the other side, if you live in one of the prosper coastal towns and are doing okay financially , you are not going to put factory jobs in middle american as priority over social issues that effect your town directly.  It's not that you don't "care" about jobs in middle american, it just at this time, it's not a priority.

    If you [general] want to know why people voted the way they did and possible change the minds of others you need to keep the dialog open.  You need to know what they are thinking and why.   Shaming them and cutting them off is only going to add to the divide.


    As they say,  keep your friends close and "enemies" closer.




    This is exactly how I feel. So many of my Facebook friends have demanded that if you voted for Trump, or even third party or didn't vote. To remove yourself from their friends list (I voted for Hillary) and they won't be interacting with them anymore. 

    It's their Facebook page and they can do what they want, for some people it's a safe space. For me..I want every single Trump supporter I know on my page so I can see how they think. I can better able oppose them  that way. None of my closest friends are Trump supporters (family is another story) I don't think I would naturally be close with someone who supported Trump just because of differing world views, but I do have high school and college classmates on my Facebook who are as well as some family members. I'm keeping them close and engaging in discussion so that I can better able fight them (politically, not literally). 
    kimmiinthemittenlyndausvi
  • @KatWAG  @lyndausvi  ohhh! I get it! Thanks!
  • I agree with all PPs that this is so nuts... I guess if it were me though, before uninviting them to the wedding and fully considering the friendship over, I might make one last overture to see if they can't be made to see reason? Assuming that, since you were good friends before, they used to be kind and reasonable people, I have to wonder if this is just temporary insanity they can be talked down from.

    If you want to make a final attempt at preserving the friendship I'd write them a letter/e-mail/FB message... something thought out and less heated/immediate than an actual conversation. I'd just tell them you've always enjoyed their company and valued their friendship, but it's over-the-line controlling behavior to try to dictate who gets to stay in their friends' lives- that's a deeply personal decision they have no business pressuring people about. Tell them you respect their right to say they personally want no contact with anyone who voted for Trump but to take it to the level of no contact with anyone who themselves has contact with anyone who voted for Trump is an unhealthy and unhelpful response, and you hope they will reconsider before they further alienate people who care for them.

    So yeah, if these were good people you cared for before it might be worth it to try to articulate why what they are doing is so unnecessary and damaging. That being said, I'm majorly rolling my eyes at a couple of white people getting so worked up about Trump that they resort to this, even in a moment of panic. I hope they are backing up all this passion with actions that are actually helpful to oppressed groups rather than putting all their energy into "purifying" their social circles.
    ahoywedding
  • As an ardent anti-Trump person, I don't negatively view anyone who voted for Trump.  I might (privately) side-eye it and wonder why.  But I don't automatically assume being a Trump supporter=racist, xenophobic, misogynist (sp?).  People can very well hate all of that attitude also, but still think Republican policies are closer to how they feel.

    Your friends need to get off that sky high "judgy horse" and stop demanding who their friends have to cut out of their (the friends) circle.  People they will never even meet anyway.  That is super bizarre behavior.

    Have they recently joined a cult?  I started that as a joke, but now I'm actually wondering.

    If they have previously been good friends, I would maybe leave the door open for them to come to their senses and stop with the extremes.  They might be regretting their staunch attitude a few months from now.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • People can support minorities AND try to converse with the "other side". They are not mutually exclusive acts. In fact I'd argue that people in positions of privilege have an obligation to do the work of trying to prevent this from happening again in the future while protecting those who are being impacted in the present. You can't change the mind of someone you don't understand, and you can't truly understand someone without conversing with them.

    I know this is hard for a lot of people to do and I know a lot of people, even those in positions of privilege, do not feel safe enough to do it. I get that. But I think the walls between camps is what lead to this "surprise" in the first place and I for one do not want to feel this stupid ever again.

    monkeysipvikinganna87
  • I agree with all PPs that this is so nuts... I guess if it were me though, before uninviting them to the wedding and fully considering the friendship over, I might make one last overture to see if they can't be made to see reason? Assuming that, since you were good friends before, they used to be kind and reasonable people, I have to wonder if this is just temporary insanity they can be talked down from.

    If you want to make a final attempt at preserving the friendship I'd write them a letter/e-mail/FB message... something thought out and less heated/immediate than an actual conversation. I'd just tell them you've always enjoyed their company and valued their friendship, but it's over-the-line controlling behavior to try to dictate who gets to stay in their friends' lives- that's a deeply personal decision they have no business pressuring people about. Tell them you respect their right to say they personally want no contact with anyone who voted for Trump but to take it to the level of no contact with anyone who themselves has contact with anyone who voted for Trump is an unhealthy and unhelpful response, and you hope they will reconsider before they further alienate people who care for them.

    So yeah, if these were good people you cared for before it might be worth it to try to articulate why what they are doing is so unnecessary and damaging. That being said, I'm majorly rolling my eyes at a couple of white people getting so worked up about Trump that they resort to this, even in a moment of panic. I hope they are backing up all this passion with actions that are actually helpful to oppressed groups rather than putting all their energy into "purifying" their social circles.
    That was my initial thought, honestly. "Oh they're just really, really hot right now but they'll cool down and realize they WAY over-reacted." But then I started realizing how hypocritical their approach is. They were yelling at the rest of our friends for not taking enough action, but the wife of this couple was unemployed for over a year and didn't make any effort to do ANY kind of volunteer activities in her oodles of free time. They've also said a lot of real crap things about a few other people in our group. I think the last straw for me was when they told FI he was being selfish putting his sobriety first, and that he should just "find a new program" since AA is "too faith-based." That's worked for him for over a decade, and he is FULLY aware of what happens if he loses his sobriety. I'm NOT about to mess around with that, and I do everything I can to support him in that journey.
    redwoodoriginalILoveBeachMusic
  • So, my words won't stand for much because I don't really know what I'm talking about, and mostly I'm just rambling, but hey-ho, I'm bored.

    FI has been red all his life. When the election ramped up for the final couple weeks, we discussed it quite a bit. (I have no political understanding, no political favourite, and I'm not in the US, so the outcome of the election has minimal effect on me personally).
    I was shocked when he said he'd be voting for Trump.
    I made it very clear that I was genuinely interested and curious, especially given all I'd been hearing about him, as to why he felt Trump was the better deal.
    He put forth a lot of good points about things Trump was saying. He also pointed out that whilst everyone claims Trump seems hellbent on war, just what was it with Clinton and the emails, and what was getting sent to where? Who? Why?

    Anyway. Long and short of it is; he ended up voting third party, because after being red for life, he just couldn't outweigh the bad with the good, so there's that.

    Another point: this board reflects people (admittedly mostly women) from all over the country (world), from all walks of life.
    I don't think I've seen one Trump supporter.
    What's up with that?

    Ultimately, as Lyndausvi said; people focus on what matters to them at that time.
    Trump as a whole might be a dingbat, but maybe one or two of his points were the crucial nail for your circumstance.
    I wouldn't defriend someone for voting for Trump.
    I'd defriend them if they started spouting racist/homophobic/etc remarks.


    These people you talk of, OP, you know them better than us. Are they on a post-election freak-out that they can return from, or was this the first stop on the crazy train?
    I'd cool off for a bit and see what happens. if they still have the same ideas, explain you'd rather attempt to understand people's reasoning even if you don't agree with it, than just cut them out of your life simply because someone else (weird couple) said you "had to".
    vikinganna87
  • I agree with all PPs that this is so nuts... I guess if it were me though, before uninviting them to the wedding and fully considering the friendship over, I might make one last overture to see if they can't be made to see reason? Assuming that, since you were good friends before, they used to be kind and reasonable people, I have to wonder if this is just temporary insanity they can be talked down from.

    If you want to make a final attempt at preserving the friendship I'd write them a letter/e-mail/FB message... something thought out and less heated/immediate than an actual conversation. I'd just tell them you've always enjoyed their company and valued their friendship, but it's over-the-line controlling behavior to try to dictate who gets to stay in their friends' lives- that's a deeply personal decision they have no business pressuring people about. Tell them you respect their right to say they personally want no contact with anyone who voted for Trump but to take it to the level of no contact with anyone who themselves has contact with anyone who voted for Trump is an unhealthy and unhelpful response, and you hope they will reconsider before they further alienate people who care for them.

    So yeah, if these were good people you cared for before it might be worth it to try to articulate why what they are doing is so unnecessary and damaging. That being said, I'm majorly rolling my eyes at a couple of white people getting so worked up about Trump that they resort to this, even in a moment of panic. I hope they are backing up all this passion with actions that are actually helpful to oppressed groups rather than putting all their energy into "purifying" their social circles.
    That was my initial thought, honestly. "Oh they're just really, really hot right now but they'll cool down and realize they WAY over-reacted." But then I started realizing how hypocritical their approach is. They were yelling at the rest of our friends for not taking enough action, but the wife of this couple was unemployed for over a year and didn't make any effort to do ANY kind of volunteer activities in her oodles of free time. They've also said a lot of real crap things about a few other people in our group. I think the last straw for me was when they told FI he was being selfish putting his sobriety first, and that he should just "find a new program" since AA is "too faith-based." That's worked for him for over a decade, and he is FULLY aware of what happens if he loses his sobriety. I'm NOT about to mess around with that, and I do everything I can to support him in that journey.
    Ugh it's super obnoxious that they are going on this crazy de-friending kick but they didn't do anything themselves to avoid this outcome! And yeah, my response was more contingent on this being an out-of-character outburst and not a last straw in a series of bad behavior type of thing... I don't blame you for just being done with them :/. Keep us updated on in they ever regain their sanity and apologize (or, conversely, go even more off the deep end)!
    ahoywedding
  • FireStar said:
    So, my words won't stand for much because I don't really know what I'm talking about, and mostly I'm just rambling, but hey-ho, I'm bored.

    FI has been red all his life. When the election ramped up for the final couple weeks, we discussed it quite a bit. (I have no political understanding, no political favourite, and I'm not in the US, so the outcome of the election has minimal effect on me personally).
    I was shocked when he said he'd be voting for Trump.
    I made it very clear that I was genuinely interested and curious, especially given all I'd been hearing about him, as to why he felt Trump was the better deal.
    He put forth a lot of good points about things Trump was saying. He also pointed out that whilst everyone claims Trump seems hellbent on war, just what was it with Clinton and the emails, and what was getting sent to where? Who? Why?

    Anyway. Long and short of it is; he ended up voting third party, because after being red for life, he just couldn't outweigh the bad with the good, so there's that.

    Another point: this board reflects people (admittedly mostly women) from all over the country (world), from all walks of life.
    I don't think I've seen one Trump supporter.
    What's up with that?

    Ultimately, as Lyndausvi said; people focus on what matters to them at that time.
    Trump as a whole might be a dingbat, but maybe one or two of his points were the crucial nail for your circumstance.
    I wouldn't defriend someone for voting for Trump.
    I'd defriend them if they started spouting racist/homophobic/etc remarks.


    These people you talk of, OP, you know them better than us. Are they on a post-election freak-out that they can return from, or was this the first stop on the crazy train?
    I'd cool off for a bit and see what happens. if they still have the same ideas, explain you'd rather attempt to understand people's reasoning even if you don't agree with it, than just cut them out of your life simply because someone else (weird couple) said you "had to".
    To the bolded...I think they're quickly boarding the crazy train. A few of us who have been "shunned" got together over the weekend and started putting together pieces from things they had told us all individually. It seems they've been talking crap about basically everyone and think they're better than all of us. 

    ALSO. They. Didn't. Even. Vote.
    banana468OliveOilsMomSP29
  • ahoywedding said:

    ALSO. They. Didn't. Even. Vote.
    K my theory is that they are having an extreme reaction spurred on by guilt. They think that by abstaining they contributed to Trump's win, which horrifies them. So they're making a big show of how anti-Trump they are to soothe their self-hatred.

    kimmiinthemittencharlotte989875banana468SP29
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards