How do you deal with relatives that don't make an effort to come?

[Deleted User]

My mom dropped the news on me that my step-brother, his wife, and my niece and god daughter will probably not come to my wedding. This cut me a bit since I sent out a STD way early in advance since most of my relatives are out of state. His wife was extremely excited for my wedding and so was he. Their excuse is that both their daughters spring break doesn't start until the week after and they don't want to take them out of school, which is understandable, but I would love if just my brother and his wife could try to make it.

They're important to me and I made the effort and spent money to travel to their state for my nieces' communions while I was still in college and on that broke college student status. I don't think it's about money for them since they take ~3 trips a year with the girls, last year being a Paris trip, and most recently a Colorado trip, and they apparently could take the girls out of school then. Plus, my mom offered to have them stay at their home, so no hotel costs. 

Majority of my family is in the Europe with a few here in the US, and most are probably not going to show up, from what I hear. It looks like it's just going to be my FH's family at my wedding and only 10 from mine.

I was really upset when my mom told me since I value my family and make the effort to be close to them but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. How would you deal? Forgive them? Tell them that I'm really upset and disappointed? I'm not sure what to say... but it's been hurting me. 

DrillSergeantCat

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it was so important for them to be there, you should have checked the date with them before setting it. I also don't like my kids to miss school so I'd probably have to miss your wedding also. 

MNNEBride

I'd be upset and disappointed too.  However, as many others here have said, an invitation is not a summons.  People, including family, get to choose to spend their time and money as they wish.  

Heffalump

PolskaBlondynka said:

My mom dropped the news on me that my step-brother, his wife, and my niece and god daughter will probably not come to my wedding. This cut me a bit since I sent out a STD January since most of my relatives are out of state. His wife was extremely excited for my wedding and so was he. Their excuse is that both their daughters spring break doesn't start until the week after and they don't want to take them out of school, which is understandable, but I would love if just my brother and his wife could try to make it. They're important to me and I made the effort and spent money to travel to their state for my nieces' communions while I was still in college and on that broke college student status. I don't think it's about money for them since they take ~3 trips a year with the girls, last year being a Paris trip, and most recently a Colorado trip, and they apparently could take the girls out of school then. Plus, my mom offered to have them stay at their home, so no hotel costs. 

I was really upset when my mom told me since I value my family and make the effort to be close to them but the feeling doesn't seem to be mutual. How would you deal? Forgive them? Tell them that I'm really upset and disappointed? I'm not sure what to say... but it's been hurting me.

I can definitely see why you're disappointed.

I'm not blaming you, per se, but this is why we tell people to check with their VIPs before committing to a date.  Instead of telling them when it was, hoping they could come, and being disappointed when they couldn't, if you had checked dates with them first, then this wouldn't have been an issue.  Again, not a dig at you, but this is the reason we suggest checking first.

But that's behind you now.  At the end of the day, it's unfortunate, but it happens.  FWIW, I didn't appreciate what a big freaking deal it is to take a kid out of school until my oldest was in elementary.  I was hesitant to pull her out for two days to attend my grandmother's 100th birthday, and she's only in second grade.  But even that required her (awesome) teacher to rejigger her reading evaluation schedule to make sure she got my kid done before we left, and we had to take assignments with us and stuff. 

If they already took their kids out of school for another trip this year (it sounds like Paris was a previous school year?), then I can 100% understand their reluctance to miss more school.  Depending on how old they are, the week before spring break may involve tests that would be really detrimental for them to miss.

Also, as much as it stings, the fact that you traveled to their events doesn't obligate them to travel to yours.  I understand why you're let down, but it sounds like you need to accept it and then focus on all the people who will be there.  At the end of the day, you'll still be married, and that's the whole point.

(ETF words.)

[Deleted User]

DrillSergeantCat said:

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it was so important for them to be there, you should have checked the date with them before setting it. I also don't like my kids to miss school so I'd probably have to miss your wedding also. 

We picked the date based on availability and cost. They knew well enough in advance and were very excited about it and told me to face they were coming, so that is why I am confused about their uncertainty now. Yeah it sucks they may not be there, but I feel like they my parents and them have had some disagreements and they are taking a jab at me now, when I never did anything to them.

lyndausvi

It's okay to be disappointed, I certainly wold be.   However, it's not a relationship deal breaker for me.  Invitations, even for family,  are not  summons.   People have different reasons for not being able to attend.  They are allowed to pick and choose how they spend their vacation time and money.   Even if you always make the effort yourself.  Those were your choices and they don't need to reciprocate. 

I think it's fine to tell them you are disappointed  they are not coming, but that is as far as I would go.



FWIW - I get it.  I live far from both families.  95% of the time we go to them.  We use up our vacations on seeing them.   It's annoying they rarely come to visit us (my Mil has NEVER visited us, ever).   Their vacations are spent at really cool places, ours are mostly going to visit them.   Trust me western part of Long Island is not a vacation to me.   In the end however, we are the ones who choose to visit them and they are under no obligation to do the same.  

 I would also be hurt and disappointed they would not come to my wedding, but honestly, there isn't anything you can do about it.   Unless there is more of a backstory, I personally wouldn't hold a life long grudge over someone my missing wedding.  Life is too short.

6fsn

I can certainly understand being disappointed.  How old are the girls?  Is there state testing, finals, some other big event happening that they don't want to miss?  Maybe something else is going on. 

Saying to just leave them behind is easier said than done. I'd be hard pressed to find people that could take care of my kids for a weekend. 

missJeanLouise

Don't let it get you too down. It sucks but there is nothing you can do about it. Keep your head held high and tell them "We are sorry you can't make it. You will be missed". They might be going through something they would prefer to keep private, let them do that if they choose. My DH is from a very close family, his aunt and uncle (who by all appearances are well off and mostly retired) declined to come to our wedding. They could have ridden and stayed with family so little cost to them but the point is, it is none of our business why they didn't come. We enjoyed celebrating with those who did.

[Deleted User]

6fsn said:

I can certainly understand being disappointed.  How old are the girls?  Is there state testing, finals, some other big event happening that they don't want to miss?  Maybe something else is going on. 

Saying to just leave them behind is easier said than done. I'd be hard pressed to find people that could take care of my kids for a weekend.  

Her grandmother usually watches them but really what it comes down to is, they had a few disagreements in the past with my parents and things have not been the same, nothing to do with me though.

DrillSergeantCat

PolskaBlondynka said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it was so important for them to be there, you should have checked the date with them before setting it. I also don't like my kids to miss school so I'd probably have to miss your wedding also. 

We picked the date based on availability and cost. They knew well enough in advance and were very excited about it and told me to face they were coming, so that is why I am confused about their uncertainty now. Yeah it sucks they may not be there, but I feel like they my parents and them have had some disagreements and they are taking a jab at me now, when I never did anything to them.

Okay! That's a bit different. You're getting this information second hand from mom, right? It might not be true. And she said "probably not" which isn't a definite no. You don't say what the disagreements are (and I don't want/need to know) but he may not be taking a jab at you, he may just genuinely not want to be around them. If you find that's the case, tell him that if he chooses to come you'll be sure to sit them as far apart from each other as possible.

[Deleted User]

Heffalump said:

If they already took their kids out of school for another trip this year (it sounds like Paris was a previous school year?), then I can 100% understand their reluctance to miss more school.  Depending on how old they are, spring break may involve tests that would be really detrimental for them to miss.

Also, as much as it stings, the fact that you traveled to their events doesn't obligate them to travel to yours.  At the end of the day, I understand why you're let down, but it sounds like you need to accept it and then focus on all the people who will be there.  At the end of the day, you'll still be married, and that's the whole point.

The trip was last year and I don't think they have a problem with taking their kids out of school. They do it quite frequently for different trips. It sucks I guess.

[Deleted User]

DrillSergeantCat said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if it was so important for them to be there, you should have checked the date with them before setting it. I also don't like my kids to miss school so I'd probably have to miss your wedding also. 

We picked the date based on availability and cost. They knew well enough in advance and were very excited about it and told me to face they were coming, so that is why I am confused about their uncertainty now. Yeah it sucks they may not be there, but I feel like they my parents and them have had some disagreements and they are taking a jab at me now, when I never did anything to them.

Okay! That's a bit different. You're getting this information second hand from mom, right? It might not be true. And she said "probably not" which isn't a definite no. You don't say what the disagreements are (and I don't want/need to know) but he may not be taking a jab at you, he may just genuinely not want to be around them. If you find that's the case, tell him that if he chooses to come you'll be sure to sit them as far apart from each other as possible.

Yes, my dad actually spoke with them recently and my dad told my mom. My dad was actually very bummed out too. Hopefully they sway to coming but like everyone else has said, it's not a summons, understandable. Whatever the out come is, I won't let it ruin my day of course.

6fsn

If it means a lot then have the uncomfortable conversation "Brother, I'm disappointed you can't make the wedding.  Is this really about mom or is something else going on?  I'd love it if we can work something and even just you could make it."

Your OP says your parents offered a place to say.  Follow ups say they aren't getting along.  Of course they wouldn't want to stay there.

[Deleted User]

6fsn said:

If it means a lot then have the uncomfortable conversation "Brother, I'm disappointed you can't make the wedding.  Is this really about mom or is something else going on?  I'd love it if we can work something and even just you could make it."

Your OP says your parents offered a place to say.  Follow ups say they aren't getting along.  Of course they wouldn't want to stay there.

Hm maybe you're right about them staying there, but the brother actually asked if it was possible to stay with them; so confused now! The disagreement actually happened years ago, and everyone thought it was resolved, but I guess not. 

lyndausvi

I wouldn't harp too much on they took the kids out of school other years. For most parents taking kids out of school is very fluid from year to year. Some kids are now in activities requiring them to miss school, which will effect how often they can be taken out for other reasons.  Course loads change from year to year, causing parents not to be able to take kids out this year when they did last year.   Kids themselves might have proven that being taken out of school isn't the best idea because they couldn't keep up.       

I'm not even a parent, but even I know that what happens last year doesn't equal what can happen this year.   Way too many variables.  


On another note, if your parents and step-brother are having issues, I wouldn't put much stock in what mom is telling you.

charlotte989875

It sounds like there's too much information going through your mother and not enough direct communication between you and your brother. If you're upset you heard he wasn't coming I would pick up the phone and call him yourself. If he says they can't come don't press him; they must have their reasons and you have every right to your feelings about that but sometimes things don't work out the way you plan. Call him up and see what's happening, and go from there. There sounds like way too much speculation about what could be happening and not enough actual conversations. 

[Deleted User]

charlotte989875 said:

It sounds like there's too much information going through your mother and not enough direct communication between you and your brother. If you're upset you heard he wasn't coming I would pick up the phone and call him yourself. If he says they can't come don't press him; they must have their reasons and you have every right to your feelings about that but sometimes things don't work out the way you plan. Call him up and see what's happening, and go from there. There sounds like way too much speculation about what could be happening and not enough actual conversations. 

I definitely would never press them if I did call them up. But we shall see. They still have time to respond (Jan 15th is the cut off and we have some wiggle room after)

6fsn

Time to put on your big girl pants, use your words, and talk to people.  Or go on being hurt that they aren't coming and never really know why.

lyndausvi

when is your wedding?

[Deleted User]

lyndausvi said:

when is your wedding?

February

AddieCake

It's ok to be disappointed, and I would be, too, but I find it odd that you're asking if you should forgive them. Really? You'd consider not forgiving them for not coming to your wedding? Hmmmm. 

[Deleted User]

AddieCake said:

It's ok to be disappointed, and I would be, too, but I find it odd that you're asking if you should forgive them. Really? You'd consider not forgiving them for not coming to your wedding? Hmmmm. 

I guess I worded that wrong. I would never hold a grudge against anyone. On the other hand, my brother is the type to do so. He was upset in the past over little things with my dad, how my dad didn't give his grand-daughters enough money for their birthdays. Really silly stuff.

Heffalump

lyndausvi said:

I wouldn't harp too much on they took the kids out of school other years. For most parents taking kids out of school is very fluid from year to year. Some kids are now in activities requiring them to miss school, which will effect how often they can be taken out for other reasons.  Course loads change from year to year, causing parents not to be able to take kids out this year when they did last year.   Kids themselves might have proven that being taken out of school isn't the best idea because they couldn't keep up.       

I'm not even a parent, but even I know that what happens last year doesn't equal what can happen this year.   Way too many variables.  


On another note, if your parents and step-brother are having issues, I wouldn't put much stock in what mom is telling you.

That's a good point, too.  We are hard pressed to go away during swim season--even missing a couple of practices generally means she won't be able to swim that weekend's meet, which sucks for her. 

[Deleted User]

6fsn said:

Time to put on your big girl pants, use your words, and talk to people.  Or go on being hurt that they aren't coming and never really know why.

Definitely. I want to make sure they understand that I don't want my relationship with them to be strained because of some disagreement my parents had with them. 

climbingsingle

My husband's father did not attend our wedding. He said it was because the trip up from Florida was too much. My H even offered to charter him a plane. He still did not want to come. It sucked, and my H was pretty sad. But that's life. Your wedding will not be the most important thing in everyone's life. The best you can do it accept it and move on. 

SaintPaulGal

PolskaBlondynka said:

6fsn said:

Time to put on your big girl pants, use your words, and talk to people.  Or go on being hurt that they aren't coming and never really know why.

Definitely. I want to make sure they understand that I don't want my relationship with them to be strained because of some disagreement my parents had with them. 

I don't want to hammer the point too much, since others have already expressed it.  But there is no reason for your relationship with your sibling to be strained just because they can't make it to the wedding.  Of course you would love to have them there, but it's not some sort of unforgivable sin if they miss it.  It's just a party, and at the end of the day you are just as married whether it's just the two of you plus whatever others are required by law or if a crowd of thousands is there to celebrate you.  It's your decision whether to be angry and resentful and poison the relationship or to let it go and give them an extra-big hug the next time you see them as a married couple.

[Deleted User]

climbingwife said:

My husband's father did not attend our wedding. He said it was because the trip up from Florida was too much. My H even offered to charter him a plane. He still did not want to come. It sucked, and my H was pretty sad. But that's life. Your wedding will not be the most important thing in everyone's life. The best you can do it accept it and move on. 

  Very true. 

WinstonsGirl

Talk to him.  Don't rely on second hand information.  

I went through something similar.  My Uncle doesn't talk much to the rest of the family, due to issues that had nothing to do with us kids years ago.  He was still invited to our wedding, which was in Hawaii.  They said no.  Their reasoning was that they didn't go to my Brother's wedding (due to the fight), so they weren't going to anyone's wedding.   They were in Hawaii at the same time on vacation (which they take every year), so it's not like they couldn't come to Hawaii.  I actually ran into him and his GF at the lobby of my MOH's hotel, the night before the wedding.   Kind of an awkward meeting when they asked what I was doing at that hotel.  

Anyway, if they do decide to not come, there's really nothing you can do.  I was a little upset too, but it's also something that I pretty much had no control over.  If they don't make it, you have to choose how you want that to affect your relationship.  I've accepted that my Uncle is like this, no matter what I did or didn't do.  He is still invited to everything we invite the family to, and it's his choice how to respond.  I won't waste my energy getting upset over his actions.  

ppgbeb

I know it's painful and it hurts inside! My dad and step-mother will not be attending my wedding (thankful for my knotties for helping me so much with that decision) since his wife was offended, he will not be walking me down the aisle. (This is after 5 years of only seeing him once, when my grandmother flew my fiance and I to Florida to visit her, he just happened to be there. He skipped every major event from graduation to my birthdays on down. Shoot I do not even know where he lives. He left me, period.) 

It's an incredible pain because you want all of the people you love to be there on your special day.

I have a similar situation where my aunt texted me out of the blue, saying she wanted literally nothing to do with my wedding and that she will not be attending. I had not spoke to her in a few months, the normal. She sent that just because she and my mother were in a cat fight at the moment.. 
A month later, after ignoring the text and drama she sent a huge apology and at Christmas apologized to my fiance and I in person and offered to help with anything. 


Just keep in mind everything happens for a reason. If they come, that's wonderful! If they cannot come, do not let that ruin your special day, they love you regardless and are happy for you.
If it's over parent drama, there is nothing you can do about it. That is between your parents and brother, they need to have a heart-to-heart and work everything out before the big day.

AddieCake

Like Climbing, my FIL couldn't come, either, b/c of health issues. I didn't even meet him until after we'd been married 2 years. You know what? I had completely forgotten that he wasn't there until I saw Climbing's post. I commented to you earlier, and I didn't even remember or think to include this in my response. So see? It isn't likely to have much of an impact on your life if someone can't or won't attend. 

InLoveInQueens

climbingwife said:

My husband's father did not attend our wedding. He said it was because the trip up from Florida was too much. My H even offered to charter him a plane. He still did not want to come. It sucked, and my H was pretty sad. But that's life. Your wedding will not be the most important thing in everyone's life. The best you can do it accept it and move on. 

My brother didn't come to my wedding, he's in the Marines and only gets a certain amount of leave and he wanted to use his leave to come home for other times. I was disappointed but I kept that to myself (and my husband. And mom). People miss things sometimes. Depending on how family planning and money works out we might have to miss his wedding next year, too.