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We need to fire a groomsman, advice?

Okay, so this sounds and seems so harsh, but I realize now we should have waited to pick our wedding party. Though I'm totally happy with my bridesmaids, we've hit a huge bump in the road with a certain groomsmen and it's to the point where niether my fiance or I want him at our wedding. 

I will admit this is definitely partially our fault. My fiance and I didn't feel super close to him to begin with, but he was dating my maid of honor and marriage was on the table for them, he had also helped us out of some tricky situations and we felt we owed it to him to not exclude him from the wedding party when literally all our other friends were asked to stand with us.

Well he and my maid of honor had a nasty break up in August, which didn't change our minds, but is just the icing on top of the cake. What really did it for me as when he told his roommate that we probably stole their internet account (we did not) when they had mysterious charges appear, his roomie later told us they were a company mistake and they cleared it up when called. It's not the only crappy trying he's done lately but it's the most frustrating.

My fiance has been avoiding telling him, but just want to get it over with. How do I tell him hes no longer invited to our wedding? Im honestly not even interested in teying to fix our friendship, he's hurt us and my maid of honor too badly.

Thank you.

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Re: We need to fire a groomsman, advice?

  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited December 2016
    Okay, so this sounds and seems so harsh, but I realize now we should have waited to pick our wedding party. Though I'm totally happy with my bridesmaids, we've hit a huge bump in the road with a certain groomsmen and it's to the point where niether my fiance or I want him at our wedding. 

    I will admit this is definitely partially our fault. My fiance and I didn't feel super close to him to begin with, but he was dating my maid of honor and marriage was on the table for them, he had also helped us out of some tricky situations and we felt we owed it to him to not exclude him from the wedding party when literally all our other friends were asked to stand with us.

    Well he and my maid of honor had a nasty break up in August, which didn't change our minds, but is just the icing on top of the cake. What really did it for me as when he told his roommate that we probably stole their internet account (we did not) when they had mysterious charges appear, his roomie later told us they were a company mistake and they cleared it up when called. It's not the only crappy trying he's done lately but it's the most frustrating.

    My fiance has been avoiding telling him, but just want to get it over with. How do I tell him hes no longer invited to our wedding? Im honestly not even interested in teying to fix our friendship, he's hurt us and my maid of honor too badly.

    Thank you.

    Firing someone from your wedding party is, in itself, a very rude thing to do.  Ditto for uninviting someone.  There is no polite way to do a rude thing.  It will end your friendship forever, and the blame will be on you.
    The only possible acceptable reasons for asking a groomsman not to come is if he has slept with the bride, or assaulted the bride or groom.  Otherwise, expect him to behave in an adult manner at your wedding, and thank him for being with you on your wedding day.

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    PrettyGirlLost
  • Maybe he'll sit it out?  If the breakup was that nasty and he's accusing you and your FI of things?  That's your only hope to not having him in the wedding though, because you can't kick him out based on what you've said. 
    charlotte989875
  • Is this person still a part of your larger friend group?  If he is, and you end the friendship with him, how will that affect your group dynamic?  I've never outright ended a friendship with someone before (usually someone just lets it fizzle and die naturally), but I would imagine it's like breaking up with a significant other.  Don't do it via text.  Call him or sit down with him in person and tell him you want to end the friendship completely.  He will absolutely be hurt, but if you absolutely no longer want anything to do with him ever again, it will certainly get the point across.  Once you end the friendship, it will follow naturally that he is no longer in your wedding.  Think of how this may affect your other friendships with this group before you do something that drastic, though.  

    Your other option, as CMGragain says, is to have him come to the wedding and then let your friendship gradually fizzle out naturally afterwards.  That way, no one is the "bad guy," there are no horrible confrontations, etc.  
    charlotte989875SP29short+sassy
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    edited December 2016
    Unfortunately you cannot ask anyone for any reason to be in your wedding party and then unask them without putting your relationship with them at risk. One member breaking  up with another, regardless of how "nasty" the breakup was, doesn't exempt you or your FI from that.

    But since you indicate that you and your FI want to end the relationship with him, I think your FI needs to tell him this directly in person -- not in a phone call or by electronic means.
    knottiejei34
  • What kind of severance package do you have from your wedding party? None because it's not a job? You don't "fire" someone because your not an employer and he isn't an employee, he was presumably your friend at one point and your equal. I'm sorry but firing someone just sounds like a weird power dynamic to me. 

    That aside if the friendship is over and you no longer want him in your lives your FI should sit down with him and tell him that he no longer wants to be friends and that he will no longer be in the wedding. If you both are not ready to end the friendship there isn't a good way to ask him not to stand up in the wedding without it affecting the friendship moving forward. So, if you're done, be done but tell him directly and to his face. If what he has done is so bad you don't want him here, or in your lives, tell him. 
    ei34InLoveInQueensTrixieJessMesmrEwe
  • "Fire" probably wasnt the rightword, but it was one am and the only way I could think to phrase it. It's not the only reason we want him to step down, but it's the one that hurt the most. 

    He volunteered to DJ and when I wouldn't let him pick the song I walked down the aisle to (I approached this very tactfully) he got very upset, told me to hire someone else and didn't talk to me for a week.

    He's been making passes at me while my fiance isn't home. He'll just come over and won't really listen when I ask him to leave.

    And I know his roommate personally, he outright said we stole from them.

    Since the breakup, he's been pretty nasty to a lot of our friends, no one has wanted him around. I honestly tried to work this out. I don't know what else to do.
  • Kick him out of your LIFE. He will then be out of the wedding by default. Done.
    image
    lovesclimbingMairePoppyei34mollybarker11
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 5 Answers
    Sexual harassment > Cable Pirating

    I'm pretty sure realigning what offends you should be a priority at this point.  What does FI say about his advances and why has he ever been allowed in your home after the first time and why has this been going on and the friendship is still even slightly in tact?
    image
    charlotte989875lovesclimbingclimbingwifeSTARMOON44
  • Honesly, I don't feel like my priorities are askew, I told him his behavior was inappropriate and he stopped talking to us until last week when he tried to but into my wedding planning. I thought it was going to sort itself out but he wasn't getting the hint, and after I caught wind of what he said about stealing, thats what bugs me the most.

    I have my reasons as to why I'm more upset by his accusations than by him making a pass at me, and they are personal and legitimate. I more meant to ask how to tell this guy he's out, since he's not been getting the hints. I don't know how to walk up to someone and say "I effed up by asking you and now you're a jerk and I don't want you around" especially when I feel like I still owe this guy for helping us in a rough spot last. I had to straight tell him "I don't want those songs at my wedding" because no matter how else I phrased it he kept insisting wasn't about what I wanted. 
  • "Fire" probably wasnt the rightword, but it was one am and the only way I could think to phrase it. It's not the only reason we want him to step down, but it's the one that hurt the most. 

    He volunteered to DJ and when I wouldn't let him pick the song I walked down the aisle to (I approached this very tactfully) he got very upset, told me to hire someone else and didn't talk to me for a week.

    He's been making passes at me while my fiance isn't home. He'll just come over and won't really listen when I ask him to leave.

    And I know his roommate personally, he outright said we stole from them.

    Since the breakup, he's been pretty nasty to a lot of our friends, no one has wanted him around. I honestly tried to work this out. I don't know what else to do.

    Um. Wow. I didn't think the blaming you guys on the cable charges thing was that big of a deal (I thought maybe it was just a joke that got out of hand), but all of these things are reasons to get him out of your life, not just your wedding. Knowing all this, I think it's totally cool for you guys to kick this guy out of the wedding, because this is not a friendship worth saving!

    Whatever your priorities may be, it's very disturbing that this man thought it was okay to make a pass at you. That alone would be more than enough to kick him out of the wedding, even without all the other stuff.
    image
    charlotte989875
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Honesly, I don't feel like my priorities are askew, I told him his behavior was inappropriate and he stopped talking to us until last week when he tried to but into my wedding planning. I thought it was going to sort itself out but he wasn't getting the hint, and after I caught wind of what he said about stealing, thats what bugs me the most.

    I have my reasons as to why I'm more upset by his accusations than by him making a pass at me, and they are personal and legitimate. I more meant to ask how to tell this guy he's out, since he's not been getting the hints. I don't know how to walk up to someone and say "I effed up by asking you and now you're a jerk and I don't want you around" especially when I feel like I still owe this guy for helping us in a rough spot last. I had to straight tell him "I don't want those songs at my wedding" because no matter how else I phrased it he kept insisting wasn't about what I wanted. 
    There is no excuse for one person to pressure another after being told 'no.' Even if you had a relationship or flirtation with him in the past, even if he's madly in love with you or you are trying to spare his feelings for some reason. No means no. Period. 

    I will ditto @climbingwife. Since there was an attempted sexual assault, at worst, or the man is making passes at the bride, at best, your fi may contact him via phone and tell him he no longer wants any contact with him. Since you are the victim, you may make the call, if you choose. I'm all for empowering the victim to stand up for herself. 

    Also, someone mentioned getting the key back if he has one. You should also change your locks in case he has had the key duplicated. 
                       
    climbingwife
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    Your FI needs to come down hard on this guy and get him out of your lives. Sexual harassment does not "sort itself out" on its own and it is far more serious than accusations of stealing cable.
    ei34
  • The cynical bitch side of me is questioning this.
    I feel bad but I am too.

    If it's 100% true, OP is a champ at burying the lede. The being a fucking creeper is super important and a good reason to kick someone out of your life, not a stupid rumor that was passed along like a game of telephone.
    DrillSergeantCat
  • I've been trying to reply but so kept getting logged out on my phone so I gave up last night. 

    Like I said before,I have my reasons. That's just the most recent and the most upsetting to me.

    Im generally pretty direct with him. He's mildly autistic and I have a pretty open sexual relationship with my fiance so I understand why he may not have realized he was being inappropriate, though he should have left when asked and I did speak to him about that. 

    I don't feel that I should have to justify myself to get advice on how to ask someone to leave my wedding party.
  • I give up on this one.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
  • So, Im still having issues using my phone on the forums but I haven't been seeing all the replies for some reason. 

    Thank you to those of you who answered my question. My fiance is going to call him in a few days  (as to not ruin new years day for him). We talked to our friends and they support this. I appreciate those of you who helpedus figure out how to phrase this to him.
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