dlt thread

[Deleted User]

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Jen4948

Technically, no, you don't have to invite new relationship partners when the relationships began after the invitations were sent.

But it's a kindness to do so -- especially if it will affect family and friendship dynamics as it threatens to in your situation. Even if the person who wants to bring him is spoiled. That should not be a factor in your decision making.

I would consider inviting him to keep the peace with your sister, but discreetly arrange for security so that her BF can be escorted away if the situation requires it.

DrillSergeantCat

Technically? No, but it sounds like it would be a lot less drama if you did. It's just one person for a few hours. 

[Deleted User]

True, my FH has strong feelings against his sister and doesn't care if she comes or not. He feels she is the one starting problems and noise within the family with her spoiled behavior. I understand his reason to be like this toward her -- she's done many unspeakable things to the family and they forgive her every time and say she'll change. He put his foot down though and said that she won't always get what she wants. Hmm this is a weird situation.

[Deleted User]

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MyNameIsNot

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

DrillSergeantCat

PolskaBlondynka said:

Maybe invite him to the reception but not the ceremony? We both truly just want our most close friends and family at our ceremony. 

My fiance really doesn't like his sister because of the pain that she's caused the family so I can understand his strong feelings toward her spoiled behaviour. He doesn't care if she comes or not.

No. 

MobKaz

Take the high road.  Given her history, perhaps by the time your wedding rolls around, this guy will already be history.  Just make it clear that if that were to happen, the invitation is not transferable.  It is possible, also, that this guy may have no interest in attending the ceremony, and will only attend the "party portion" of the program anyway.  Win-win.

[Deleted User]

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[Deleted User]

MobKaz said:

Take the high road.  Given her history, perhaps by the time your wedding rolls around, this guy will already be history.  Just make it clear that if that were to happen, the invitation is not transferable.  It is possible, also, that this guy may have no interest in attending the ceremony, and will only attend the "party portion" of the program anyway.  Win-win.

I'll have to talk with my fiance. He feels very strongly about this whole situation and not inviting him.

levioosa

Wow you sound super judgy. 

banana468

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

You sent invitations in November for a February wedding?   

The issue is that you sent invitations too early then.    

I get it.   She's a problem person and based on history may not be with this guy.   But instead of saying "who knows what she'll be doing" you've turned it now into YOUR offense by not acknowledging that SHE said that she's in a relationship.

That's the problem here.   You basically decided that you don't care about what she says - at least on the relationship front.   And by marginalizing the relationship she's also interpreting that as marginalizing HER.

You'd do yourself a large service by apologizing and inviting this guy.

Viczaesar

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

[Deleted User]

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SaintPaulGal

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

[Deleted User]

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

sparklepants41

PolskaBlondynka said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

My FI invited her because it would look bad to the family. Otherwise he wouldn't have. Fin.

She began dating her new guy end of December. So technically not a month.

We prefer not to spend $80 on a plate for a stranger. SO I think that's our final decision.

So why did you ask for advice? You asked: What's the etiquette on this? Do I HAVE to invite this stranger to my wedding even though she started dating him way after she got the invitation?"

PPs have correctly answered that the correct etiquette is that you sent your invitations out too early and you do need to invite him because he is her SO.

When you invite people to your wedding, you are asking people to honor your relationship. Which means that you also need to honor the relationships of those you have invited. It's not for you to judge how serious a relationship is.

They are in a relationship. You need to invite him. Fin.

artbyallie

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

This makes you sound super judgmental and rude. Suck it up and invite the guy. For all you know, this could be her future husband.

banana468

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

No.   It makes sense because you'd like to save $160 bucks.

It doesn't make sense for your situation.   

But at least you and your FI are a unified front when you irritate his family.   

AddieCake

Not inviting is more trouble than it's worth in this case. I hope you and your fiancé are prepared for some fallout from it. 

charlotte989875

My only advice on this cluster is to stop being so judgy. You make it sound like anyone who has had a baby outside of marriage/a relationship and dares to date another person, has struggled with addiction/drugs, or has a criminal record isn't worth treating with the same respect as everyone else. 

short+sassy

I also had an intimate wedding (35 guests).  Take it from my experience, it is really not a big deal to have a "stranger" as a guest.

I gave a good friend, who wasn't going to know anyone else there, a "Plus One".  She was initially going to bring a friend I had never met.  Then, a few weeks before my wedding, she started dating someone.  She was iffy on who she wanted to bring because they weren't even "quite" in a relationship yet.  I told her she was welcome to bring whichever person she wanted.  I'd love to meet either one.  She ended up bringing her "new guy".  Who she then went on to date for about 10 months.

I didn't care it was an "intimate" wedding and whoever she brought would be a stranger.  I wanted my dear friend to feel comfortable, have a good time, and looked forward to meeting someone important in her life.  Granted, etiquette didn't require me to give her a "plus one", because she wasn't in a relationship when the invites went out.  But I was glad I did.

Plus, even at a small wedding, you and your FI will be busy, busy, busy mingling with guests.  You don't have to spend more than a few minutes here and there with FSIL and her b/f, if you all don't want to.

I know you all have already chosen not to allow FSIL's b/f to come.  It sounds like your FI didn't even want to invite her, except he was worried about family drama.  Except family drama has happened anyway because you all are in the wrong, etiquette-wise.  Certainly your all's call to make.  I just wanted to offer the wisdom of my experience that, to avoid the family drama and keep peace, your FSIL's b/f will have little to no impact on your day.  Stranger or not.

MyNameIsNot

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

You can do what you want. The wedding police are not going to bust up your ceremony because you are rude.

But you are being very rude to the sister, not to mention childish and petty. If your FI is ok with treating her this way and having you talk about her this way, it's pretty clear that she is not the problem sibling here. 

Outside of the fact that you and your FI are being rude and petty, you're also being short sighted. Sister is going to skip the wedding because her boyfriend is not invited. The family will ask sister why she didn't come. When she tells them it's because you wouldn't let her boyfriend come, you and FI look like the assholes. It would have been easier to just not invite her. 

[Deleted User]

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holyguacamole79

Think about the big picture... you mentioned in your OP that your FMIL is pretty upset.   I don't often advocate doing things to make people happy, but are you really prepared to start your marriage off on the wrong foot with his family?  

[Deleted User]

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SaintPaulGal

No, you're not going to burn in hell.  But you are going to be remembered by the family as "that rude woman our son/nephew/grandson/cousin married."

No one said you were hiding this from your FI.  Just that you (the plural "you") are being horrendously rude.  "Last minute" would be if she met him at a bar the night before the wedding.  As an established partner of your fiance's sister for multiple months, this is hardly a "last minute stranger."  And why does it matter, anyway?  Your marriage vows are not invalidated if someone you don't know well/at all witnesses them.  If it bothers you to have a stranger there, why not be an adult about it and invite the sister and her partner out to dinner and get to know him a bit before the wedding.  You still have plenty of time to make that happen.

MyNameIsNot

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

You can do what you want. The wedding police are not going to bust up your ceremony because you are rude.

But you are being very rude to the sister, not to mention childish and petty. If your FI is ok with treating her this way and having you talk about her this way, it's pretty clear that she is not the problem sibling here. 

Outside of the fact that you and your FI are being rude and petty, you're also being short sighted. Sister is going to skip the wedding because her boyfriend is not invited. The family will ask sister why she didn't come. When she tells them it's because you wouldn't let her boyfriend come, you and FI look like the assholes. It would have been easier to just not invite her. 

MyNameIsNot, my FI and I have discussed her with each other and we both feel the same way, it's not like I'm hiding this from him. It's a bizarre situation and maybe I shouldn't have brought this to the forum as none of you really know this girl.

I think it was childish for the sister to act this way and throw a tantrum though. His name wasn't on the invitation because she wasn't with him, and boo-hoo if we sent them a bit earlier. Like I said, we sent invitations earlier because of out of country and out of state families. It seemed like the right idea to us and after discussing with our wedding planner. Nothing wrong here, in my opinion. 

Maybe we are being rude, but come on, we're not comfortable with having a last minute stranger at our wedding. Is this wedding about her or us? Half of the members in different threads say "it's your wedding, do what you desire!" and the other half is hoping that person getting married is going to burn in hell for their decisions.

Talking trash about someone with his knowledge is not any better than doing it behind his back. The way you judge her and talk about her dating life is disgusting. You are behaving like a high school bully. The fact that you think that the worse light you paint her in will make it seem ok to treat her badly speaks volumes about you. You should be ashamed of the way you've talked about her on this board. I can't imagine what you say to people who know her. This isn't high school anymore. People know that when you put other people down to make yourself look better, it's based on your own issues. 

Maybe she was childish. (Although wanting to bring your significant other to a wedding is far from childish.) Excusing your rude behavior by pointing to her childishness just shows how immature you are acting. "She started it" is not an argument someone old enough to be married should be using. 

If you're comfortable being rude, be rude. You posted on an etiquette board. No one here is going to tell you to do what you want, even if it is rude. Be rude all you want. Just don't be surprised when it comes back to bite you. 

redoryx

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

SaintPaulGal said:

Viczaesar said:

PolskaBlondynka said:

MyNameIsNot said:

Wait, so she started dating him a month ago, and your wedding is a month from now? So she will have been with him 2 months at the time of the wedding. Your invitations should have gone out 8 weeks before the wedding, so after she started dating him. 

Even if she started dating him last week, it's not a hill worth dying on. She might be the bratty sister, but she's still his sister. Considering he invited her in the first place, it's clear that your FI is not interested in severing his relationship with her. Excluding her boyfriend is just bringing him down to her level. If she really is the bad sister, your FI should be the gracious one and extend the invitation. 

She was dating a different guy when we sent out invitations. Well not "dating" but you know... screwing. We sent our invitations in November because we wanted to give enough time for people in other states to respond. Our wedding is the 24th of next month. 

The rule about not having to invite a new SO after invitations have gone out is only applicable if you follow a normal 6-8 week schedule for invitations.  If she's been dating this guy since December then yes, you should invite him to your wedding at the end of February.

Exactly this.

Jumping the gun on your invitations does not exempt you from including SOs. Invite him.

  We decided not to. Makes sense for our situation.

You can do what you want. The wedding police are not going to bust up your ceremony because you are rude.

But you are being very rude to the sister, not to mention childish and petty. If your FI is ok with treating her this way and having you talk about her this way, it's pretty clear that she is not the problem sibling here. 

Outside of the fact that you and your FI are being rude and petty, you're also being short sighted. Sister is going to skip the wedding because her boyfriend is not invited. The family will ask sister why she didn't come. When she tells them it's because you wouldn't let her boyfriend come, you and FI look like the assholes. It would have been easier to just not invite her. 

MyNameIsNot, my FI and I have discussed her with each other and we both feel the same way, it's not like I'm hiding this from him. It's a bizarre situation and maybe I shouldn't have brought this to the forum as none of you really know this girl.

I think it was childish for the sister to act this way and throw a tantrum though. His name wasn't on the invitation because she wasn't with him, and boo-hoo if we sent them a bit earlier. Like I said, we sent invitations earlier because of out of country and out of state families. It seemed like the right idea to us and after discussing with our wedding planner. Nothing wrong here, in my opinion. 

Maybe we are being rude, but come on, we're not comfortable with having a last minute stranger at our wedding. Is this wedding about her or us? Half of the members in different threads say "it's your wedding, do what you desire!" and the other half is hoping that person getting married is going to burn in hell for their decisions.

This is what STDs are for. 

LondonLisa

Not to be snarky, but why did you even invite her in the first place? It sounds like you both are filled with contempt and disdain for her. Why are you trying to keep a relationship when you have no respect for her? 

holyguacamole79

It's your call.  Especially as someone who got engaged less than 3 months after meeting my (now) husband, I think you're being a brat.