Wedding Invitations & Paper
RaeMarie7117
member
How to word invite to not include a parent??
I'm a little lost on how to word my invitation.
My mom and dad are paying for half of the wedding
His mom and step-dad are paying for half of the wedding
His dad is not contributing to the wedding at all and they personally don't have an amazing relationship.
We want to make sure our parents that are contributing are on the invitation, but not his dad. How should I set up the invite??
My mom and dad are paying for half of the wedding
His mom and step-dad are paying for half of the wedding
His dad is not contributing to the wedding at all and they personally don't have an amazing relationship.
We want to make sure our parents that are contributing are on the invitation, but not his dad. How should I set up the invite??
Re: How to word invite to not include a parent??
Here is an example of how it would be worded if both sets are hosting:
Mr. and Mrs. John Brideslastname
and
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Groomslastname
request the pleasure of your company (or honor of your presence)
at the marriage of
BrideFirstName MiddleName
and
GroomFirstName MiddleName
Saturday the twentieth of February
at six o'clock
Venue
address
city, state
Reception Immediately following (if it is at the same place if different venue a separate card is needed)
Sorry the spacing is wonky but you get the idea. If his parents aren't listed, the groom's last name would be included also. Honor of your presence is used if the ceremony is a house of worship while request the pleasure of your company is used if the venue is not a house of worship. This is the formal and traditional way to word an invitation.
Mr. and Mrs. John Brideslastname
Mr. and Mrs. Robert Stepfather'slastname
Saturday, the twentieth of February
two thousand eighteen
Venue Name
123 Maple Street
Anytown, Iowa
Call me a trouble maker, but I would not list any of the parents. I feel like this is a recipe for making people feel excluded. I get that it is all about hosting, but I think things have shifted so that many people see the listing of parents as just that ... listing of parents and not about who is hosting. I may have an unpopular opinion but that is what I'm seeing in my circle of friends.
I would agree that has been the case but the last year's worth of wedding invitations I have received included deceased parents/those not hosting. I think things are shifting and some people do see it as an honour to be listed on the wedding invite.
If you want to honor non-hosting and deceased parents with something written, the correct places to do that are programs and wedding announcements. The only persons honored by wedding invitations are the recipients.
Some rules have not changed! I hope you were kind enough to overlook the social faux pas on their part.
Actually, I don't care if parents are listed, including those deceased. It is a part of etiquette that I think is changing and I'm okay with it. I get that not all will feel the way I did/do.
Etiquette still upholds traditional wording, with no mentions of deceased or non-hosting parents or other relatives on invitations for the reasons we've given here and in other threads.
"Being okay with" a departure from etiquette also doesn't mean this forum is "okay with" it.
Etiquette is meant to ensure that you are taking into consideration other peoples' needs and feelings. If a parent has died and it would mean someone to the one living, including would be the right thing to do. To leave off and hurt a family member in the name is etiquette would actually be against etiquette. Generally, I'm on the same side of etiquette as the boards but this is one piece of etiquette that I think has some wiggle room.
Remember, the invitations are for the guests' benefit.
I'm still sitting on the side thinking that the person closest to the deceased would trump others receiving the invitation. If it would upset wife that husband who died in the previous year is not going to be listed for 'etiquette' reasons, I would change as her feelings are important ... more important than a guest who might be wondering how the deceased could be contacted for questions about the event. For hosting questions - I've always asked the person listed on the return RSVP card.
I think we'll have to agree to disagree on this.
Because wedding invitation wording is not about feelings, hurt or otherwise. Nobody's feelings trump anyone else's - or if they do, the guests' feelings trump everyone else's.
Wedding invitations are not wedding programs. The invitations are supposed to honor the guests-not the hosts, not the couple, not their parents, not their deceased relatives.
And sorry, but the invitation's purpose is to convey logistical information about a hosted event to the persons being asked to attend it -- not to deal with personal grief. Nor are financial contributions the guests' business.
When the etiquette gurus tell me that it is OK to list a deceased person on a wedding invitation (which makes absolutely NO SENSE), then I will consider it. Sorry, but your personal opinion (or mine, for that matter) doesn't count for much when it comes to correct wedding invitation wording. The rules are established. Modern wording is fine, but it must follow etiquette, which has not changed.
Oh, and my father was died when I was 15. Would I put his name on my wedding invitation, inviting guests from the grave? Hell, no!
It's really amazing how something whose wording was standardized to avoid hurt feelings can generate hurt feelings through misunderstanding its actual purpose. People's egos are sooooooooooo fragile, aren't they?
I had to wince when I worded my own invitations. My mother was a new divorce at my wedding, but she insisted on being listed as if she were simply my father's widow. I let her have her way. She denied her other marriages for years, and the people at the senior community where she lived her last few years had no idea that she was anything but a "poor, lonely widow". Now, at my wedding, EVERYBODY already knew about Mama, so what was the point?
Sometimes you do have to pick your battles, so I guess "Together with our parents" is OK, just not my preferred wording.
We can advise people on the etiquette rules and warn them when we feel they're making a big mistake. We can also (I hope) be compassionate and flexible enough to work with someone when they have a specific thing they feel strongly about, for whatever reason. To be clear, I'm not against telling someone when what they're doing is against etiquette; I just think it's possible to do that and also be flexible enough to help them problem solve the actual thing before them besides "do it this way or you're wrong/rude".
And, for the record: if someone I invited to my wedding were to get mad at me because I included the name of my dead father on the invitation, I'd have a hard time not telling them to screw off. (Which, before anyone jumps down my throat, I'm aware would be against etiquette.)
There are no wedding invitation police who are going to fine, jail or otherwise penalize you for using wording other than the standard wording. It's a "victimless crime," shall we say.
But the standard wording happens to be correct per etiquette, so that's what we're going to advise couples to use.
It's not about being "compassionate" here but acknowledging that the standard wording exists to make clear to the guests what they are being invited to, when and where it's happening, and who is inviting them. And it can get confusing, to put it in the nicest way, when there are so many names of people who aren't doing that on the invitation because of hurt feelings, whether potential or actual.
There are plenty of beautiful ways to honor non-hosting and deceased parents at weddings, but the wording of the invitation just isn't among them. My own suggestion would be to use a program for this rather than an invitation.
So just to stir the pot ... because I've had a crappy day ... wouldn't it be against etiquette to list both MIB and FIb when really only the MIB is answering questions/hosting and the FIB is merely going and escorting the bride up the aisle but couldn't tell a guest one thing about the actual wedding plans/help with the event?
I'm ever so glad that H and I hosted out own wedding and didn't need to think about including parents on the invite.
But if none of a parental social unit is hosting, none of that social unit should be listed.
Isn't the listing of the parents to know who is hosting and therefore who to ask questions of? If FIB isn't really hosting (just MIB) that would be confusing the guests. Why does FIB get a free ride on the invite?
Really though - appreciated your response even though I'm snarky and probably taking this way too far.
I think my take is that there is etiquette that is essential to guests comfort (chair for every bum, meal worthy food served at meal times and reception immediately following to say thank you) but getting it 'right' on an invite isn't essential to guests comfort. Most people throw away the invite and don't even think twice. They write down the location and time and don't even notice who is hosting. I didn't even know that being listed = hosting until I came on here.
But that particular wording is correct, and since this entire forum is about wedding etiquette, that's what we provide when asked.
Also as noted above, you can use "together with their parents/families" in situations where listing hosting parents gets complicated for whatever reason.
Dead people inviting someone to a wedding? My late father's mother would never have forgiven me if I had been so thoughtless and cruel to do that! There are REASONS for the rules.
Putting a decesead person on an invitation is like phoning someone up after John died saying 'John and I would love to have you for dinner'. Of course you would placate a grieving friend, but you would think it creepy and worry how this person was coping.
If one one toned down the formally, would it be strange to say this out loud? Yes it's written in the 3rd person but if one changes that to first one can see how odd, morbid and ghoulish it is. 'My mum and stepdad would like to have you at my wedding to John on Saturday XXX.' Rather than: 'My mum and late father want to host you!'
The latter would leave me fumbling for words, picturing a Norman Bates situation and stumbling through a concerned: 'Susan, is everything ok?!'
I don't think any discussion is pointless when it is polite. If you thought it was pointless, why comment?
I know when to stop, so I won't post more about this because I clearly feel differently from the majority and Jen is right about this being a forum for etiquette and I'm holding an opinion that is against the grain.