I don't think you should invite your step-cousin if you don't want this guy there. You said you weren't close anyways.
Also, real talk right now. My brother is a drug addict/alcoholic. He's a hot mess. He's spiraling down again currently and I honestly don't think he'll ever get out of it. He hit rock bottom before and it didn't seem to make a lasting difference. I get it. Is addiction an illness? Yes. But there is a choice component to it. You cannot make your brother stay clean. You cannot guilt him, or force him into it. If he wants the drugs, he'll find them, I promise you, and probably meeting some random dude at a wedding isn't going to be the trigger point. Will he probably find the dude at the wedding and make a connection? Yeah, because that's the type of person he probably finds easily. That's how it is for my brother. But the truth is, it doesn't matter if you invite this guy or not where your brother is concerned.
If your cousin dating a drug dealer there is a possibility she is taking them herself. Excluding the BF doesn't automatically immune your brother from getting drugs at your wedding. The step-cousin or others might have them and/or he has other ways to get them. I get not wanting to have him there, but do not focus solely on him. If your brother wants them, he will find a way. A sponsor would be a great idea even without the BF coming. There are many "fine, upstanding,well educated" citizens who have access to drugs that the average person might not realize because they are focused on people who "look" like drug dealers.
I worked a wedding a few months ago. This wedding was over a million dollars. Everyone was well educated with good high paying jobs.
OMG, there was so many drugs going around. They were not selling them, they were giving them away to each other. I was bartending and one guy asked me if I knew were to get some and I responded "what? Your friends aren't sharing? They seem to be sharing with everyone else." Now, I'm not exactly sure what they were taking. Pot is legal here and I know I smelled that, but I mostly saw pills being passed around.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
If your cousin dating a drug dealer there is a possibility she is taking them herself. Excluding the BF doesn't automatically immune your brother from getting drugs at your wedding. The step-cousin or others might have them and/or he has other ways to get them. I get not wanting to have him there, but do not focus solely on him. If your brother wants them, he will find a way. A sponsor would be a great idea even without the BF coming. There are many "fine, upstanding,well educated" citizens who have access to drugs that the average person might not realize because they are focused on people who "look" like drug dealers.
I worked a wedding a few months ago. This wedding was over a million dollars. Everyone was well educated with good high paying jobs.
OMG, there was so many drugs going around. They were not selling them, they were giving them away to each other. I was bartending and one guy asked me if I knew were to get some and I responded "what? Your friends aren't sharing? They seem to be sharing with everyone else." Now, I'm not exactly sure what they were taking. Pot is legal here and I know I smelled that, but I mostly saw pills being passed around.
Right?! I've seen way more drugs when working high ticket events than I have at regular house parties. The idea that Lifetime Movie-like dealers and addicts are the only ones running in the drug trade always makes me laugh.
Wow, that was an overwhelming read. All of the points between invite him/don't invite him are pretty much where I stand too. I know that if my brother, or anybody for that matter, wants drugs - they will seek them out and find them regardless of who is attending. I would just rather a) not have them AS accessible if the bf was there (whether he may or may not involve himself and solicit is a whole other hypothetical argument) and b) just not be associated with that kind of person in general.
I know I can't protect my brother from everything, or himself... and I'm currently in a weird 'trying to take a step back, but just wanting to help him in any way that I can' limbo. I'm sure he already knows who this guy is, and has probably purchased from him at some point in time. Its been tough, I think seeking out some counselling for myself on the subject is a good idea. I've done a lot of school style research on addictions counselling when I was working towards Social Work in college, but it's a LOT different when you're actually in the scenario.
I think what I'm going to do is just let it be. If she asks if he can come, I will certainly allow it and be welcoming, but otherwise I'm just going to leave it. I don't want to not invite her, she's a nice girl albeit a little lost over the past year or so, I've known her for about 12 years and her family was always at our family functions. We're certainly not close, but she's family and I would love it if she could make it - preferably without him, but we'll see where that goes.
I really appreciate all of the support and kind words, and even some of the harsher ones lol.
Wow, that was an overwhelming read. All of the points between invite him/don't invite him are pretty much where I stand too. I know that if my brother, or anybody for that matter, wants drugs - they will seek them out and find them regardless of who is attending. I would just rather a) not have them AS accessible if the bf was there (whether he may or may not involve himself and solicit is a whole other hypothetical argument) and b) just not be associated with that kind of person in general.
I know I can't protect my brother from everything, or himself... and I'm currently in a weird 'trying to take a step back, but just wanting to help him in any way that I can' limbo. I'm sure he already knows who this guy is, and has probably purchased from him at some point in time. Its been tough, I think seeking out some counselling for myself on the subject is a good idea. I've done a lot of school style research on addictions counselling when I was working towards Social Work in college, but it's a LOT different when you're actually in the scenario.
I think what I'm going to do is just let it be. If she asks if he can come, I will certainly allow it and be welcoming, but otherwise I'm just going to leave it. I don't want to not invite her, she's a nice girl albeit a little lost over the past year or so, I've known her for about 12 years and her family was always at our family functions. We're certainly not close, but she's family and I would love it if she could make it - preferably without him, but we'll see where that goes.
I really appreciate all of the support and kind words, and even some of the harsher ones lol.
Again, I can't encourage you enough to find Nar Anron, in person, online, or even through Al Anon. It was a game changer for me and while my brother is still battling his own road to recovery, I am no longer enabling him and my recovery has saved my mental health and probably my relationships.
Getting arrested for dealing drugs (or any other serious crime that could potentially impact other guests) trumps etiquette.
I have been getting into fights with my FI trying to tell him that SOs MUST be invited (even if it IS just your dumb 20 year old cousin's girlfriend of 1 month). Inviting SOs is something I feel very strongly about and hate when SOs are referred to as "plus ones".
But again, a known drug dealer? Perfectly acceptable to tell your step-cousin that, unfortunately, you cannot accommodate the extra guest, should she ask/RSVP including him. Probably best not to get into the why with her in this case, though.
Yes, find a Nar-Anon or Al-Anon meeting! It will be SO helpful for you in dealing with your brother, plus give you a ton of support. Best of luck to you and your brother.
(And another vote for team don't invite him, if only because it's causing you so much agony)
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
Sorry, but I think that regardless of how the brother finds or deals drugs, he made the choice to originally do that and/or not to get help for it and now there are consequences. It's not "overboard" to take whatever steps are necessary to protect the guests, the venue, its staff, and other vendors from behavior that could get them into trouble -- and I think many venues do have contract provisions against controlled substance possession or use on the property.
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. And I don't think she's going 'overboard' not to invite this person. She has legitimate concerns about this persons character and morals. I think it's unfair to say this to her just because you can't understand where she is coming from.
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. And I don't think she's going 'overboard' not to invite this person. She has legitimate concerns about this persons character and morals. I think it's unfair to say this to her just because you can't understand where she is coming from.
But where do we draw the line on morals and character that overrides etiquette? Do we exclude the guy that lied to get a medical marijuana card? The drunk uncle who doesn't always give up his keys? Your cousins husband who is a public defender and is legally required to do heir best in representing reprehensible people. Perhaps the drug dealer is a recovering addict in a program with a previous criminal history. Should we set a NA chip minimum before he's allowed to join social functions? How do you know other people's SO's aren't secretly deplorable, abusive, criminal etc? That *is* the exact point.
I think the conversation is a valid one but the question remains: is he being excluded becaue of rumors of his lawlessness or becaue he may be a negative influence on the brother? Unless we're talking about El Chapo here, the answer doesn't really matter as there is no real reason to believe he poses a threat.
Holy smokes, I've been really trying to not go into too many details about the step-cousins boyfriend aka the known drug dealer- burn we're from a small town where everybody knows what everybody's doing. I'm roughly the same age as said person, we've been at many the same party and I, as well as many friends have been offered drugs on numerous occasions by this person. Again- I'm not friends, not even acquaintances with this person, but small town functions stand to be what they are.
Now, I'm a few years out of said town, much older than the usual 'party crowd' that my brothers and sisters are attending, yet same drug dealing person is attending the same parties soliciting drugs to much younger people. Like I said, he's a known drug dealer. Even my parents are aware.
snark and judge me all you want for thoughts of the 'rumor mill' and for judging this person because of what you think I've heard but don't actually know...
but really, youre going to judge, snark and act high and mighty towards me trying to avoid association with a drug dealer...with me then deciding that should his girlfriend want him there I will welcome him no questions asked
The brother is an addict. If he wants to find drugs he'll find them. Regardless of who's invited to the wedding.
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. And I don't think she's going 'overboard' not to invite this person. She has legitimate concerns about this persons character and morals. I think it's unfair to say this to her just because you can't understand where she is coming from.
But where do we draw the line on morals and character that overrides etiquette? Do we exclude the guy that lied to get a medical marijuana card? The drunk uncle who doesn't always give up his keys? Your cousins husband who is a public defender and is legally required to do heir best in representing reprehensible people. Perhaps the drug dealer is a recovering addict in a program with a previous criminal history. Should we set a NA chip minimum before he's allowed to join social functions? How do you know other people's SO's aren't secretly deplorable, abusive, criminal etc? That *is* the exact point.
I think the conversation is a valid one but the question remains: is he being excluded becaue of rumors of his lawlessness or becaue he may be a negative influence on the brother? Unless we're talking about El Chapo here, the answer doesn't really matter as there is no real reason to believe he poses a threat.
Just how do you know "there's no real reason to believe he poses a threat?"
If he uses the occasion to do or sell drugs, the venue could get in trouble with the law and whoever's name is on the contract could be in trouble as well. And that's aside from any physical safety threats he might pose to the guests, staffers or vendors present.
Unfortunately, addicted or not, choosing to engage in this kind of behavior has consequences, one of which is that he can be excluded from family invitations because he chooses to behave in ways not condoned by either polite society or the law. Even if he's an addict, he was the one who chose to do drugs and deal drugs in the first place.
Holy smokes, I've been really trying to not go into too many details about the step-cousins boyfriend aka the known drug dealer- burn we're from a small town where everybody knows what everybody's doing. I'm roughly the same age as said person, we've been at many the same party and I, as well as many friends have been offered drugs on numerous occasions by this person. Again- I'm not friends, not even acquaintances with this person, but small town functions stand to be what they are.
Now, I'm a few years out of said town, much older than the usual 'party crowd' that my brothers and sisters are attending, yet same drug dealing person is attending the same parties soliciting drugs to much younger people. Like I said, he's a known drug dealer. Even my parents are aware.
snark and judge me all you want for thoughts of the 'rumor mill' and for judging this person because of what you think I've heard but don't actually know...
but really, youre going to judge, snark and act high and mighty towards me trying to avoid association with a drug dealer...with me then deciding that should his girlfriend want him there I will welcome him no questions asked
I'm not judging you at all. You're inferring motive when it is not there. I even said I think it's a valid conversation to have.
My last response was more to the general debate about where do we draw the line between excluding one person we know to engage in lawless behavior and others. I think too many conversations about drugs and dealers are rooted in some Hollywood movie about what those people look like and who they are. Drug use (and its "dealers") are found in every social economic class in our culture so really one persons junkie in a bando is another persons medical Doctor.
My advice to you this entire time has been to focus on what your motivations are regarding this particular invite and to seek help in helping *you* come to terms with your brothers struggle. I'm not defending the random bf, I'm trying to help you think twice about your inherent desire to protect your brother and whether or not it's actually helping him. It's hard. It sucks. It hurts more than it feels good. And that's why you need to focus on you.
Drid didn't have to snoop for this information. The drug dealer is notorious in her community. Asking if she's going to do a background check on all her guests is exaggerating to make a point. Also, why assume that she has 'after school special' idea of what a drug dealer looks like? Most of us aren't that naive.
ETA - these comments aren't in response to kimmi, specifically. There were others who made the same arguments.
Being a drug dealer does not inherently make someone a bad person or dangerous. That's one of the points that seems to be getting lost here. If the OP has other reasons to believe this person is a threat, fine, but dealing drugs does not inherently equal dangerous or a threat. Or total lack of judgement either--yes, he's chosen to sell drugs, but that doesn't mean he's going to do it everywhere he goes!
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
Being a drug dealer does not inherently make someone a bad person or dangerous. That's one of the points that seems to be getting lost here. If the OP has other reasons to believe this person is a threat, fine, but dealing drugs does not inherently equal dangerous or a threat. Or total lack of judgement either--yes, he's chosen to sell drugs, but that doesn't mean he's going to do it everywhere he goes!
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
She didn't say she only wants guests with squeaky-clean backgrounds. She's inviting her brother, after all.
Being a drug dealer does not inherently make someone a bad person or dangerous. That's one of the points that seems to be getting lost here. If the OP has other reasons to believe this person is a threat, fine, but dealing drugs does not inherently equal dangerous or a threat. Or total lack of judgement either--yes, he's chosen to sell drugs, but that doesn't mean he's going to do it everywhere he goes!
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
I don't agree with this. Since when are people who commit felonies entitled to special consideration and invitations to weddings?
In fact, I think they constitute a valid exception to the SO rule as well.
For someone who's accusing other posters of being judgmental, you're doing an excellent job of passing judgment yourself.
Being a drug dealer does not inherently make someone a bad person or dangerous. That's one of the points that seems to be getting lost here. If the OP has other reasons to believe this person is a threat, fine, but dealing drugs does not inherently equal dangerous or a threat. Or total lack of judgement either--yes, he's chosen to sell drugs, but that doesn't mean he's going to do it everywhere he goes!
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
I don't agree with this. Since when are people who commit felonies entitled to special consideration and invitations to weddings?
In fact, I think they constitute a valid exception to the SO rule as well.
For someone who's accusing other posters of being judgmental, you're doing an excellent job of passing judgment yourself.
What? How? The only possibly judgmental thing I can see is the extrapolation to "squeaky-clean backgrounds," which is not a tack the OP is taking.
No one said people who commit felonies are entitled to invitations to weddings. Felonies, or any criminal record, don't have a damn thing to do with invitations to weddings. No one at all is entitled to invitations to weddings - unless they're the SO of an invited guest when invites go out. If you don't want the SO, you can't invite the friend/relation.
The implication of a physical threat specifically to another guest of the wedding (which is what OP is trying to establish about her brother, and getting good advice) is the SO rule exception. Merely having a felonious record is nothing.
Being a drug dealer certainly doesn't make you a good person...
Says who?
I used to work in a prison, one with a focus on substance abuse. 75% of the inmates who worked for me were in on drug related charges (the other 25% were in for drunk driving). They weren't "bad guys" some, I'd even go so far as to say, is that some really were good guys, they just made a bad decision.
I don't know what drugs the OP is talking about, but pot is legal in several states in the United States. Outside of those states, I know many high-functioning users. I know many high-functioning dealers. These are people with 9-5 jobs, they are clean cut and respectable members of society. Hell, some are leaders in their church. They just have a side gig that sometimes involves trading pot for cash with some of their friends.
She didn't say she only wants guests with squeaky-clean backgrounds. She's inviting her brother, after all.
Sorry, this really rubs me the wrong way. Like we should all stop and "aww" that she isn't treating her brother poorly for having a curable disease (which is what addiction is).
@scribe95 Drugs are not a magical line dividing good and evil. All drug dealers aren't bad people. All sober people aren't inherently good.
My DH is a former drug dealer. This was long before I came around. He doesn't deal or even take drugs anymore. I think he is a good person. People around him think he is a good hearted person.
What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests. Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated.
My DH is a former drug dealer. This was long before I came around. He doesn't deal or even take drugs anymore. I think he is a good person. People around him think he is a good hearted person.
Same here. H was dealing (and doing) cocaine and pot when he was 13 years old. He grew up quick, and grew out of it quick and all of that was long before he met me. People around him think of him as a great person.
I don't think dealing drugs makes somebody a bad person. I don't agree with their choice to do that, and I may not want to be associated with said person at the time, but if somebody has reformed and grown up - then they deserve to be considered and respected as the good person they are.
She didn't say she only wants guests with squeaky-clean backgrounds. She's inviting her brother, after all.
Sorry, this really rubs me the wrong way. Like we should all stop and "aww" that she isn't treating her brother poorly for having a curable disease (which is what addiction is).
@scribe95 Drugs are not a magical line dividing good and evil. All drug dealers aren't bad people. All sober people aren't inherently good.
I'm not awing that she's inviting her brother. I'm sorry that came off the way it did. I only meant that she didn't say anything about only inviting people with squeaky clean records. I was rude to single out her brother. My sincere apologies.
I invited a drug dealer to my wedding. He was my sister's husband at the time. He showed up high, but made no problems. I think you are worrying too much.
Being a drug dealer does not inherently make someone a bad person or dangerous. That's one of the points that seems to be getting lost here. If the OP has other reasons to believe this person is a threat, fine, but dealing drugs does not inherently equal dangerous or a threat. Or total lack of judgement either--yes, he's chosen to sell drugs, but that doesn't mean he's going to do it everywhere he goes!
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
I don't agree with this. Since when are people who commit felonies entitled to special consideration and invitations to weddings?
In fact, I think they constitute a valid exception to the SO rule as well.
For someone who's accusing other posters of being judgmental, you're doing an excellent job of passing judgment yourself.
They're not, that's the point! A person's history shouldn't be related to their invitation. I don't think you should invite a person who had a history of doing good deeds unless you were planning to invite them anyway, the same way I don't think you should refuse to invite someone who has a felony in their history.
The other point is that you don't know the history of everyone you're inviting. It's quite possible you have other guests with past felonies that you know nothing about!
Re: SO question
I worked a wedding a few months ago. This wedding was over a million dollars. Everyone was well educated with good high paying jobs.
OMG, there was so many drugs going around. They were not selling them, they were giving them away to each other. I was bartending and one guy asked me if I knew were to get some and I responded "what? Your friends aren't sharing? They seem to be sharing with everyone else." Now, I'm not exactly sure what they were taking. Pot is legal here and I know I smelled that, but I mostly saw pills being passed around.
All of the points between invite him/don't invite him are pretty much where I stand too. I know that if my brother, or anybody for that matter, wants drugs - they will seek them out and find them regardless of who is attending. I would just rather a) not have them AS accessible if the bf was there (whether he may or may not involve himself and solicit is a whole other hypothetical argument) and b) just not be associated with that kind of person in general.
I know I can't protect my brother from everything, or himself... and I'm currently in a weird 'trying to take a step back, but just wanting to help him in any way that I can' limbo. I'm sure he already knows who this guy is, and has probably purchased from him at some point in time. Its been tough, I think seeking out some counselling for myself on the subject is a good idea. I've done a lot of school style research on addictions counselling when I was working towards Social Work in college, but it's a LOT different when you're actually in the scenario.
I think what I'm going to do is just let it be. If she asks if he can come, I will certainly allow it and be welcoming, but otherwise I'm just going to leave it. I don't want to not invite her, she's a nice girl albeit a little lost over the past year or so, I've known her for about 12 years and her family was always at our family functions. We're certainly not close, but she's family and I would love it if she could make it - preferably without him, but we'll see where that goes.
I really appreciate all of the support and kind words, and even some of the harsher ones lol.
I have been getting into fights with my FI trying to tell him that SOs MUST be invited (even if it IS just your dumb 20 year old cousin's girlfriend of 1 month). Inviting SOs is something I feel very strongly about and hate when SOs are referred to as "plus ones".
But again, a known drug dealer? Perfectly acceptable to tell your step-cousin that, unfortunately, you cannot accommodate the extra guest, should she ask/RSVP including him. Probably best not to get into the why with her in this case, though.
(And another vote for team don't invite him, if only because it's causing you so much agony)
And this guest we're talking about is someone you think has an arrest record, and the rumor mill says sells drugs. Are you going to look into everyone's background before giving them an invite? How long ago is an arrest acceptable? Check all of their home towns to see if there's rumors about them? It seems overboard to me to not invite someone to your wedding based on what you think you might know about someone's history.
Edit: clarity
I think the conversation is a valid one but the question remains: is he being excluded becaue of rumors of his lawlessness or becaue he may be a negative influence on the brother? Unless we're talking about El Chapo here, the answer doesn't really matter as there is no real reason to believe he poses a threat.
Now, I'm a few years out of said town, much older than the usual 'party crowd' that my brothers and sisters are attending, yet same drug dealing person is attending the same parties soliciting drugs to much younger people. Like I said, he's a known drug dealer. Even my parents are aware.
snark and judge me all you want for thoughts of the 'rumor mill' and for judging this person because of what you think I've heard but don't actually know...
but really,
youre going to judge, snark and act high and mighty towards me trying to avoid association with a drug dealer...with me then deciding that should his girlfriend want him there I will welcome him no questions asked
If he uses the occasion to do or sell drugs, the venue could get in trouble with the law and whoever's name is on the contract could be in trouble as well. And that's aside from any physical safety threats he might pose to the guests, staffers or vendors present.
Unfortunately, addicted or not, choosing to engage in this kind of behavior has consequences, one of which is that he can be excluded from family invitations because he chooses to behave in ways not condoned by either polite society or the law. Even if he's an addict, he was the one who chose to do drugs and deal drugs in the first place.
My last response was more to the general debate about where do we draw the line between excluding one person we know to engage in lawless behavior and others. I think too many conversations about drugs and dealers are rooted in some Hollywood movie about what those people look like and who they are. Drug use (and its "dealers") are found in every social economic class in our culture so really one persons junkie in a bando is another persons medical Doctor.
My advice to you this entire time has been to focus on what your motivations are regarding this particular invite and to seek help in helping *you* come to terms with your brothers struggle. I'm not defending the random bf, I'm trying to help you think twice about your inherent desire to protect your brother and whether or not it's actually helping him. It's hard. It sucks. It hurts more than it feels good. And that's why you need to focus on you.
ETA - these comments aren't in response to kimmi, specifically. There were others who made the same arguments.
I'm positive I had multiple former drug dealers at my wedding. I don't know if any of them still sell. I know most of them still at least do some drugs, though. My family background isn't exactly all roses and butterflies.
No one did any drugs or sold any drugs at my wedding, at least that myself or any of my other guests or venue was aware of.
I just can't imagine being like "Hey, you're not invited, because I know you have a history of selling drugs and you've been in jail before. I only want people with squeaky-clean backgrounds at my 5-hour dinner event".
In fact, I think they constitute a valid exception to the SO rule as well.
For someone who's accusing other posters of being judgmental, you're doing an excellent job of passing judgment yourself.
No one said people who commit felonies are entitled to invitations to weddings. Felonies, or any criminal record, don't have a damn thing to do with invitations to weddings. No one at all is entitled to invitations to weddings - unless they're the SO of an invited guest when invites go out. If you don't want the SO, you can't invite the friend/relation.
The implication of a physical threat specifically to another guest of the wedding (which is what OP is trying to establish about her brother, and getting good advice) is the SO rule exception. Merely having a felonious record is nothing.
People's moral character has nothing to do with the etiquette of inviting SOs.
(And @charlotte989875 and @MandyMost are still right that it doesn't make you a terrible, irredeemable person.)
I used to work in a prison, one with a focus on substance abuse. 75% of the inmates who worked for me were in on drug related charges (the other 25% were in for drunk driving). They weren't "bad guys" some, I'd even go so far as to say, is that some really were good guys, they just made a bad decision.
I don't know what drugs the OP is talking about, but pot is legal in several states in the United States. Outside of those states, I know many high-functioning users. I know many high-functioning dealers. These are people with 9-5 jobs, they are clean cut and respectable members of society. Hell, some are leaders in their church. They just have a side gig that sometimes involves trading pot for cash with some of their friends.
@scribe95
Drugs are not a magical line dividing good and evil.
All drug dealers aren't bad people.
All sober people aren't inherently good.
The other point is that you don't know the history of everyone you're inviting. It's quite possible you have other guests with past felonies that you know nothing about!