With family like this, who needs enemies?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I am a 30-year-old single man who grew up with a physically and verbally abusive father and a mother who was passive and often complicit in his abuse. I was one of four children, but I was singled out. None of my other siblings was abused, and I was also “blamed” as a little kid for ruining holidays, vacations, and special occasions. My father left my mother a few years ago and is no longer a part of my life. It took years of therapy to cope with my depression and anxiety and to develop a sense of self-worth.

The man my mother is with now has a horrible knack for making inappropriate comments, and while I try to bite my tongue, recently at a family gathering he made a joke about suicide. I’ve been suicidal many times, and took offense. He and my mother now deny that he ever said it, and none of my brothers think it’s a big deal. She also blames me for every failed relationship she’s had after my father left. As a result, I’ve basically cut her off over the last 10 months. My therapist (who is fantastic and probably the biggest reason I’m still alive), has said she doesn’t believe in a complete cut-off. Am I completely crazy? Should I even bother to try and fix it?

—No Family

MissKittyDanger

Say something.

Even if it's the "look, I get these are suppose to be jokes but I don't find it funny. This is a serious issue and I would appreciate you being a little more thoughtful that would be great"

Also, I feel like the mother is looking for someone else to blame for relationships instead of considering that maybe she keeps finding people who end up being jerks. I think mother needs therapy for past issues.

DrillSergeantCat

Totally agree with @MissKittyDanger. Disagree with LW's therapist. Your mother is toxic. She is blaming you for her mistakes, ignores and denies when she's done things to hurt you, and was complicit in your childhood abuse. Cut her off and never look back.

banana468

It sounds like Mom has had years of not being able to speak up for herself.

Maybe you don't cut off these people but you can't take the page out of mom's book either.   Use your words.   When someone says something inappropriate, address it then.   That makes it rather difficult to say that it never happened. 

charlotte989875

I'm sure you therapist has reasons for discouraging family cut-offs (they don't often deal with the problems, leave things unresolved, etc.), but if that it was is keeping you healthy and safe for now, I would explain to your therapist this is what you need to do for yourself at this time. If they push or don't respect that, maybe that isn't the right therapy relationship? 

OliveOilsMom

Don't even look back.  There are times when full cutting off is warranted and this seems like the case.  Regardless of how much the therapist has done for LW, it may be a good idea to look for a new therapist.  One who can completely support cutting off LW's family.

LW should look at how much better his life is without his father in it and realize the same will be when the rest of the family is cut off.

baconsmom

Fire your therapist. 

Jesus H, why WOULDN'T you cut these people off? They're awful. They're toxic. I don't understand why ANYONE would be like, "Well, you know. Maybe send a card at Christmas?" 

short+sassy

I'm so fortunate to not have personal experience, but I know I've read from posters on the TK boards who have chosen to cut a parent or both parents out of their lives.

I have never read where someone regretted doing that.  It is always a tale of, although being a tough decision, it was freeing and made them much happier.  That's the advice I'd give to the LW.

Jen4948

Find a new therapist. There are times when "keeping the family together" = "keeping toxic relationships in play" and that's what this one is doing.

GBCK

sheesh, don't make it a 'complete cut off', just quit answering phone calls, emails, letters or in person things from these people for the next 5 to 15 years.

Some people aren't necessary in your life.