I've had trauma and now my friends FWP make me angry.

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence, 
How do you empathize with friends when they have comparatively smaller problems? I’ve experienced a lot of violent trauma in my life, as well as severe depression. It can be really difficult to listen to my friends complain about having to wait a whole month before buying a fancy new car, or how hard it is to choose between two great job offers. I want to be a good friend, but it’s hard not to scream, “Those are not real problems” at them. I’m currently in therapy and trying to process these feelings, but I’m actually finding it’s bringing up more anger. Most of the people in my life don’t know what I’ve been through, and I don’t want to turn conversations about their struggles into a discussion of my issues—that would make me a pretty terrible friend. How do I get past this?

—Trouble Empathizing

MissKittyDanger

It's not empathizing. They're excited about having great opportunities and it's not uncommon to compare lives. "grass is greener" kind of deal.

Stick with therapy, and maybe - nicely - tell them that it feels like they're bragging, when you know that's not their intention? I've unintentionally done this, and my friend told me. I felt awful and apologized but I would never have known if she didn't say something.

sparklepants41

It's going to take time to process her feelings. I have had violent trauma too, and now I'm the type of person who complains that I flat-ironed my hair on a day with high humidity and now my hair is frizzy. But it took me a while to be able to look at things with more rational perspective and to not let things snowball into a personal attack. 

I am really hoping her therapist is a trauma specialist and not just a regular therapist because that's really who she needs to be discussing her feelings with. I also hope she is going at least once a week. 

banana468

sparklepants41 said:

It's going to take time to process her feelings. I have had violent trauma too, and now I'm the type of person who complains that I flat-ironed my hair on a day with high humidity and now my hair is frizzy. But it took me a while to be able to look at things with more rational perspective and to not let things snowball into a personal attack. 

I am really hoping her therapist is a trauma specialist and not just a regular therapist because that's really who she needs to be discussing her feelings with. I also hope she is going at least once a week. 

This is great.

Issues can come up of varying degrees.   It's important to recognize that just because it isn't traumatic doesn't mean it isn't an issue.

charlotte989875

I agree with @sparklepants41 that a trauma specialist might be more effective. 

I also don't think it's wrong for her to tell her close friends what has happened, if she feels comfortable. You can't expect them to know what's going on, or adjust their behavior if they have no idea what's happening. 

Heffalump

"Most of the people in my life don’t know what I’ve been through..."

Well, then by that logic, it's entirely possible that some of her friends have also survived trauma.  They're just not talking about it.

IMO, she just needs to stick with her therapy.  Or if it's not working for her, find a new therapist.  I mean, the odds of all of your friends having problems equal to or greater than yours at any point in time are pretty slim.  (Thank goodness.)  It's normal for people to complain about this or that, and while I get why the LW is struggling, she needs to keep working at it.

sparklepants41

Heffalump said:

"Most of the people in my life don’t know what I’ve been through..."

Well, then by that logic, it's entirely possible that some of her friends have also survived trauma.  They're just not talking about it.

IMO, she just needs to stick with her therapy.  Or if it's not working for her, find a new therapist.  I mean, the odds of all of your friends having problems equal to or greater than yours at any point in time are pretty slim.  (Thank goodness.)  It's normal for people to complain about this or that, and while I get why the LW is struggling, she needs to keep working at it.

All of this. Well said, @Heffalump!!!

mrsconn23

sparklepants41 said:

Heffalump said:

"Most of the people in my life don’t know what I’ve been through..."

Well, then by that logic, it's entirely possible that some of her friends have also survived trauma.  They're just not talking about it.

IMO, she just needs to stick with her therapy.  Or if it's not working for her, find a new therapist.  I mean, the odds of all of your friends having problems equal to or greater than yours at any point in time are pretty slim.  (Thank goodness.)  It's normal for people to complain about this or that, and while I get why the LW is struggling, she needs to keep working at it.

All of this. Well said, @Heffalump!!!

Yes.  This plus, she needs to TELL her therapist about these feelings and work on tools for dealing with them.  I'd never want a friend to disclose something to me that made her uncomfortable or she didn't want to talk about, but it is also unfair to have an expectation that the world is going to stop turning on the same axis because something happened to you.  Especially when you don't want to let on that something DID happen.  

It makes you an asshole, not the friends who don't know.  She needs to find a way put what happened to her in perspective.  And she may find if she TELLS her friends and they move on from it, she may be able to find her empathy again.  

I'm not a person who holds shit in.  I can't do it.  I can try, but all it does is make me miserable as hell and also a powder keg that goes of at the exact wrong moment.  I really have a hard time relating to this LW and her frustration with her friends. 

short+sassy

I can actually really relate to this letter.  Not from a trauma perspective (thank goodness), but life has dealt me some very sh***y hands and there are some relatively common complaints that push those buttons for me.

My best strategy is to acknowledge why they are upset and then, nicely, put things in perspective for them.  Or remind myself that life isn't fair, like a mantra, inwardly roll my eyes, and stay silent.

mrsconn23

Oh I agree @short+sassy that there are certain complaints OR people in my life who complain about certain things that make me very eye-rolly, at the least OR ranty, at the worst, but DH gets the brunt of those moments.   

kimmiinthemitten

I'm the LW but without true trauma, I  just had a really shitty childhood.  I remember in HS when friends would complain, and then apologize because whatever they were complaining about didn't seem as big as what I was going through.

But the fact of the matter is that problems and stress are relative.  If friend A's parent dies, it doesn't lessen the stress on friend B whose parents got divorced.  Downsizing a home is not as traumatic as being homeless, but it's still a stressful life event and so on.

LW needs to continue therapy or change therapists and talk to them about real world coping mechanisms and empathy.  I'm glad I'm surrounded by people who didn't have it as bad as me.  How shitty would this world be if we were all competing for who has the worst real life problem?

MissKittyDanger

kimmiinthemitten said:

But the fact of the matter is that problems and stress are relative.  If friend A's parent dies, it doesn't lessen the stress on friend B whose parents got divorced.  Downsizing a home is not as traumatic as being homeless, but it's still a stressful life event and so on.

This! Plus what A finds traumatic, may not affect B same way.