Wedding Party

Future SIL Not a Bridesmaid

My fiance has 5 siblings - 1 biological sister, 2 half brothers, 1 adopted brother, and 1 step sister. No one thinks of them with any of those titles, they're all just siblings. I wanted to keep my bridal party as small as possible, but still ended up with 6 bridesmaids. FH's bio sister and I are extremely close. She lives 8 hours away and we text several times a week and talk about everything. She is also very close to my FH. For these reasons, she was one of the bridesmaids I asked.

FH only wanted 3 groomsmen (including step sister's fiance because they are very close friends). His other two are his two best friends. When I told him I had 6 bridesmaids and he needed 3 more groomsmen, he thought he has 3 brothers, easy solution. Okay, so now step sister is the only sibling not included in the wedding.

She is getting married in 2 months and did not ask me to be a bridesmaid. I'm perfectly okay with that. I'm a firm believer that everyone should have their wedding exactly how they want it and everyone else keep their mouth shut. So since we all know the normal rule is, if you ask me to be a bridesmaid and I'm getting married in the same time frame, there's some pressure for me to also ask you. In an effort to avoid that awkwardness for her, I decided not to ask her to be a bridesmaid because I didn't want her to feel pressured to ask me to be a bridesmaid. So my FH and I decided we would ask her to do a reading at the wedding. I don't even want a reading, but I genuinely wanted her to have a role in the wedding, therefore I was willing to have a reading.

Our wedding is still 6 months away. So far, we have only asked bridesmaids and groomsmen. We haven't asked ushers, officiants, etc. So she didn't know that she had a place in our wedding. I only asked the last bridesmaid a week and a half ago. Today she texted my FH and told him that because I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid and he didn't recognize that she was not asked and didn't "make" (yes, make) me ask her to be a bridesmaid, that she no longer wants him to be a groomsman in her wedding.

My FH and her FH work together. Her FH had no idea she was kicking my fiance out of their wedding. I felt horrible because from an outside perspective, I can see how she would get her feelings hurt. I immediately texted her explaining why I didn't ask her. And that the one and ONLY reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid is because she didn't ask me and I didn't want her to feel obligated to. I told her it was not because we didn't want her to be part of the wedding. That we did and we had a place for her, but we hadn't asked those type of people yet. She texted me back and said she really thinks it would be best if we just didn't have each other in our wedding and that there were no hard feelings.

I could've left it at that. But I texted her again, expressing how genuinely sorry I am and that I DO want her in my wedding. I reiterated that the only reason I didn't ask her to be a bridesmaid was to avoid any awkwardness for her because she didn't ask me to be one. I extended the invitation to her to be in the wedding. I understand it could've been misconstrued as a "consolation prize" or something, so I offered proof in that I could send her texts between me and my mom where we had this exact conversation about her place in the wedding. And also that I could've accepted her last text and left it at a wash. But that I genuinely, 100% want her in the wedding. She declined again.

I know her feelings are hurt. Her fiance had no idea this was happening and my FH gave him our side and perspective at work today. I don't know what will come of this and if she will reach back out and accept my invitation to be in her wedding. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable because apparently my FH's dad and step mom knew she was feeling this way and so did her fiance. They just didn't know she was going to kick my FH out of their wedding.

I wish she would've talked to us and told us her feelings were hurt. This whole thing could've been cleared up.

Any advice on how to move forward? I'm not used to family drama or awkwardness. I'm not saying her feelings aren't valid, but I want her in our wedding. I don't know how to make this better.

Re: Future SIL Not a Bridesmaid

  • Unfortunately there is not a good way to move forward.  Your wedding is six months away so hopefully by then everyone will have cooled off.  I would have your FI ask her about a month before your wedding if she would like to do a reading, and if she says yes let her do it, and if she says no, leave it at that.  

    You could have just had uneven wedding parties and avoided everything.  It does seem (IMO) that you B listed her to be in your wedding.  You said you didn't even want a reading, but then decided to include one just to give her something to do.  I would be mad at that too.  She had no business kicking your FI out of her wedding though.  That was wrong of her. It seems like some pettiness was had all around.  

    Good luck.  Hopefully once some time has passed everyone will calm down and realize that  this isn't the hill to die on. 
  • I answered you on the other board.  Just as a heads up, if you are posting to multiple boards we appreciate putting XP: before your title so everyone is aware the same question is in more than one place. :)
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