I'm being berated for not being an enabler

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
My eldest son is a 33-year-old heroin addict and has been since he was 19. It’s a horrible addiction, and at his lowest point last year he stole over $30,000 from his grandmother (my mother). Now he’s in jail facing felony charges. I’ve visited him twice, and he seems clean, which makes me happy, but my problem is that my mother wants me to help him when he gets out, and I don’t see how I can. He’s been “clean” so many times before, and he’s stolen from almost all of his family members, and I just don’t know how to trust him again. I also don’t know how long his sentence will be. He can’t stay with me; I live in a small loft with no doors and I’m very private. I let him stay once before when he was clean, but he thought I was too strict. I’m getting a lot of pressure to help him get back on his feet, and I’m being berated for not supporting him in his “time of need.” I don’t want him to be released with nowhere to go, however. I can’t afford to help him get an apartment, though my mother thinks I should. Am I a terrible parent for saying no? We live in Texas, where there are not many affordable resources.

I’ve supported him so many times before, trying to help him get clean and assisting him financially. He’s tried rehab so many times and it never lasted. He doesn’t follow rules well. I just don’t know how much money and effort it would take to help him.

—Helpless

charlotte989875

Time for @kimmiinthemitten's weekly recommendation for al-anon. 

kimmiinthemitten

NarAnon.  NarAnon.  NarAnon.  For you and your mom.

He has to help himself, no money or effort will unless it's his own.

ei34

It's really sad that our nation doesn't do more as far as halfway houses, getting people back on their feet, transitioning from prison, etc.  LW son has a double burden, addiction and a criminal record.  There should be more than the in prison, out of prison cycle.
That said, LW swooping in isn't the answer.  Logistically she can't, but even if she could, enabling never helps in the long run. 

kimmiinthemitten

eileenrob said:

It's really sad that our nation doesn't do more as far as halfway houses, getting people back on their feet, transitioning from prison, etc.  LW son has a double burden, addiction and a criminal record.  There should be more than the in prison, out of prison cycle.
That said, LW swooping in isn't the answer.  Logistically she can't, but even if she could, enabling never helps in the long run. 

He could join a rehab program when he gets out that offers a graduated program.  Salvation Army does this and it's free - and often times court ordered for drug offenders.  Jail/Prison will help him stay clean but won't provide the tools needed to stay clean in the real world.

levioosa

This could have been written about my brother.

 He is no longer her responsibility.  She needs to go to nar anon. He doesn't want to change--the comments about "rules" are what determine that. My brother is always complaining that my parents are too strict, that they just need to chill, that they don't understand his life. The prison cycle is awful, but if this guy doesn't want to change, resources won't help him either. 

kimmiinthemitten

charlotte989875 said:

Time for @kimmiinthemitten's weekly recommendation for al-anon. 

I didn't even see this before I did it.  Every week, without fail!

OliveOilsMom

I think LW just needs to tell these people to back off.  She seems to understand that her son has to be the one who asks for the help, gets clean and stays clean on his own and not because he's in jail. 

And why don't all these well-meaning relatives have the son in their home?  Gee, is it because he's probably stolen from them once before.  Why is it ok he moves in with mom and potentially steal from her?  Just because she gave birth to him?

Nar-Anon for both mom and grandmother would be immensely helpful.

Ro041

What the heck does Texas have to do with it?  Is there something I am missing...like Oklahoma has loads more resources but Texas is a cesspool of addicts with nowhere to go?

short+sassy

mrsconn23 said:

Dear Prudence,
My eldest son is a 33-year-old heroin addict and has been since he was 19. It’s a horrible addiction, and at his lowest point last year he stole over $30,000 from his grandmother (my mother). Now he’s in jail facing felony charges. I’ve visited him twice, and he seems clean, which makes me happy, but my problem is that my mother wants me to help him when he gets out, and I don’t see how I can. He’s been “clean” so many times before, and he’s stolen from almost all of his family members, and I just don’t know how to trust him again. I also don’t know how long his sentence will be. He can’t stay with me; I live in a small loft with no doors and I’m very private. I let him stay once before when he was clean, but he thought I was too strict. I’m getting a lot of pressure to help him get back on his feet, and I’m being berated for not supporting him in his “time of need.” I don’t want him to be released with nowhere to go, however. I can’t afford to help him get an apartment, though my mother thinks I should. Am I a terrible parent for saying no? We live in Texas, where there are not many affordable resources.

I’ve supported him so many times before, trying to help him get clean and assisting him financially. He’s tried rehab so many times and it never lasted. He doesn’t follow rules well. I just don’t know how much money and effort it would take to help him.

—Helpless

There might not be enough money and effort in the world to help him.

I'm irritated for the LW.  So grandma/other relatives doesn't want to help him either, but are trying to guilt the LW to help him?  That's messed up.  Especially since I think most people would agree that LW is making the best decision for herself and her son.

She needs to be firm with, "I don't have the money/resources to help him.  Even if I did, I think it would be detrimental to help him.  This subject is closed and I'm not discussing my decisions any further.  If you want to help him, than YOU help him.  Though I wouldn't recommend that."

drunkenwitch

I'm going to start by saying, I've seen a couple friends struggle with heroin addiction.  Thankfully they are both going on 15 years clean and sober.  But there were a lot of false starts.  A lot of "just one more hot then I'll get clean".  Stealing, lying, watching them hit rock bottom and ultimately cutting them off until they were healthy again.  Poor LW has burned, burned again and burned one more time by her son.  I completely understand that she has to protect herself here.  And if it's so damn important to granny he get help while he gets back on his feet, then granny can take him in.

MesmrEwe

LW Needs more support than she's getting - and these family members need to realize they're enabling too.  Unfortunately they won't.  End of the sentence, he's got to make his choices but she's right in NOT enabling another day!  It's o.k. for her to remove permanently the Welcome Shirt from her Wardrobe!

OurWildKingdom

As a recovering alcoholic and addict, I second finding the son a halfway house or some other sober living environment. He might even be court-ordered to treatment.

Heffalump

OliveOilsMom said:

I think LW just needs to tell these people to back off.  She seems to understand that her son has to be the one who asks for the help, gets clean and stays clean on his own and not because he's in jail. 

And why don't all these well-meaning relatives have the son in their home?  Gee, is it because he's probably stolen from them once before.  Why is it ok he moves in with mom and potentially steal from her?  Just because she gave birth to him?

Nar-Anon for both mom and grandmother would be immensely helpful.

I was just about to post the same.  Yep, they need to put their money where their mouths are.  If they think he needs money and a place to stay, nothing is stopping them from trying.  Personally, unless the relationship is dysfunctional (and I don't see any evidence that this one is), I generally assume that the people closest to the situation know more than the people on the fringes.  If his mom thought half her apartment and a pile of money would fix things, I imagine she would have done it already.

I think the extended family is in denial about how serious the problem is.  If you think there is an easy fix, then it allows you to think things aren't that bad.  I think his mom knows exactly how bad things are. 

My aunt is at this point with my cousin.  Even after everyone else had to put some distance between themselves and him (his siblings, including his twin sister, his son, his father), for the longest time, every time he was arrested and/or in the hospital, she'd hop on a plane.  They gave him money.  They encouraged him to stay with them.  I get it--I can't imagine how hard it must be to see what's happening and not try to fix it.  But even she eventually realized that everything she did was just a temporary fix, until the next crisis.  At some point, you have to look out for yourself.