Vegetarian wedding part 2

mandi12

So I recently posted about putting together a vegetarian meal and trying to make sure it went over well and and that we catered to everyone's taste...

We've since decided on a different location that's willing to do more food and give us anything we like (family style now vs plated) so that ppl can eat exactly what they want and fill up on their favorites. This meal includes hor d'oeuvres instead of the late night snack we were gonna go with at the last place. But the same idea. More food options in case you happen to not love what we serve for the meal. I'm listing our menu on our website so there will be zero confusion if you're that concerned with what you'll be served. We are also getting a larger selection for our included premium bar so I believe that will make ppl happy as well.

Here's the issue. My father and sister are insistent that doing a meal without meat is extremely selfish. Since our wedding is in March we came up with the idea to move it to a Friday bc its during lent and the ppl they are so concerned about are all Catholic... which means they don't eat meat on Fridays in lent. This seems to have pacified my dad. But my sister is going on about it now. And it's causing a lot of conflict between us. My husband to be (the awesome person he is) insisted, when I called him in tears, that we won't be backing down and that what we are offering is absolutely fine. He says it's not fair to us to change our entire plan just because 1 person feels THAT strongly, especially since we've gone out of our way (AND outside of our budget!!) to try to accommodate everyone.  

Has anyone else dealt with this type of thing? And is it a completely unreasonable idea?

I've dubbed this the "battle of the bird" as we're literally fighting over the addition of chicken vs staying vegetarian. Lol

LondonLisa

mandi12 said:

So I recently posted about putting together a vegetarian meal and trying to make sure it went over well and and that we catered to everyone's taste...

We've since decided on a different location that's willing to do more food and give us anything we like (family style now vs plated) so that ppl can eat exactly what they want and fill up on their favorites. This meal includes hor d'oeuvres instead of the late night snack we were gonna go with at the last place. But the same idea. More food options in case you happen to not love what we serve for the meal. I'm listing our menu on our website so there will be zero confusion if you're that concerned with what you'll be served. We are also getting a larger selection for our included premium bar so I believe that will make ppl happy as well.

Here's the issue. My father and sister are insistent that doing a meal without meat is extremely selfish. Since our wedding is in March we came up with the idea to move it to a Friday bc its during lent and the ppl they are so concerned about are all Catholic... which means they don't eat meat on Fridays in lent. This seems to have pacified my dad. But my sister is going on about it now. And it's causing a lot of conflict between us. My husband to be (the awesome person he is) insisted, when I called him in tears, that we won't be backing down and that what we are offering is absolutely fine. He says it's not fair to us to change our entire plan just because 1 person feels THAT strongly, especially since we've gone out of our way (AND outside of our budget!!) to try to accommodate everyone.  

Has anyone else dealt with this type of thing? And is it a completely unreasonable idea?

I've dubbed this the "battle of the bird" as we're literally fighting over the addition of chicken vs staying vegetarian. Lol

Keep your wedding on a saturday. I wouldn't even move it to a Friday to playcate your father and your sister. Having a vegetarian wedding, especially if you and your fi are both vegetarians, is not rude in the slightest! 

I assume neither your father nor your sister are contributing to the wedding, so I can't believe they would have the gall to comment. 

Your father and sister are unbelievably unreasonable about this- time to draw healthy boundaries with them. Have your vegetarian, Saturday wedding you want and when they bring it up say: 'Thanks for your input. We have already decided the menu. The matter is closed. Have you tried this bean dip.'

You need to stop engaging them over this. Let them have their rants and say what they want. Your fi is 100% correct. Time for you to stand up and show that you won't be swayed by their pressure. 

downtondiva

It is not rude to have a vegetarian wedding. These family members who are harassing you are the rude ones. Stand your ground.

charlotte989875

I guess I'm wondering why you're still trying to cater to every person on your guest list? You should take guests' comfort into account, but that doesn't mean you need to run every menu item by them to see if they approve either. There is nothing wrong with a vegetarian wedding if that's what you and your FI want (assuming you're paying for everything). Sounds like you're making this so much harder for yourself. Plan the menu you and your FI want, on the day you want, and stop telling your sister your plans. She's out of line for insisting on a particular food choice, so I'd just ignore her and move on with your plans. 

climbingsingle

Tell your sister the butt the fuck out of your wedding plans.  Seriously. How incredibly rude and immature of her. Your dad is not contributing right? Tell him to butt the fuck out too. 

There's nothing wrong with having a vegetarian wedding. Stop letting them make you feel bad/guilty/wrong for this. Don't post your menu on your website. Don't move your wedding to Friday. As long as people are being fed and have something wet to drink, they'll be FINE! 

Heffalump

OP, I mean this kindly, but it sounds like you're trying to persuade people that your plan is okay.  You don't have to.  Your FI is 100% right--what you have planned is fine, period.  You don't need to change it, so if you don't want to, then don't.  I promise your sister won't develop a protein deficiency by not eating meat for a single meal.  She doesn't have to agree with you, but she does need to STFU.  Stop trying to explain why it's okay.  Stop trying to compromise.  Tell her your menu is set, the end.  If she keeps yammering about it, walk away.  If she texts you to complain about it, ignore her. 

I would be tempted to get her a KFC gift card as a favor if she's so obsessed with having chicken that night, but that's not very nice of me, and I don't necessarily recommend it.  But it takes some balls to be invited to a party and then have the nerve to complain about what the host is serving you. 

southernbelle0915

Is your sister paying for the wedding? No? Then stop talking to her about it. It seems like she's been a major source of stress and negativity for you. The less you include her in wedding talk, the better for everyone.

I can't remember...is your father paying for the wedding? No? Then stop talking to him about plans too. Yes? Then silo the things he pays for (e.g. he pays for flowers, wedding cake, and DJ). If you do that, he ONLY gets a say in the things he's paying for. Nothing else. 

I dealt with this with my in-laws. They didn't contribute financially but wanted to dictate stuff and had negative things to say about everything. We just stopped talking to them about the wedding. When they'd ask, we'd say things like "oh it's going pretty well. How 'bout this weather?" or "we haven't quite decided on that, but thanks for the ideas. Is this a new recipe? Delicious." or "that definitely gives us something to think about. What are y'all up to this weekend?"

mandi12

I love the KFC idea. I'm using that! And no we are paying for everything and trying to pass the word along within our circles that we genuinely  don't want gifts as well. My mom did this with my first wedding and since the family was paying we went with their wishes but after being told by multiple ppl now that I'm gonna embarrass everyone by doing this it's making me second guess myself. 
Oh also I've blocked my sister for a day or so until she calms down and decided there will be no further discussions with my family. If they ask about it they will get the same response as everyone: I'm sorry but in an effort to avoid unnecessary conflict we are no longer discussing wedding plans with family. I hope you can respect our wishes.

SP29

Good for you mandi!

Nothing wrong with a vegetarian meal. The etiquette requirement is that you host food and drink appropriate to the time of day- what you actually serve is up to you and should be graciously accepted by your guests.

Stop talking about the menu. I also would not list it in your wedding website. Ask for any allergies on your RSVP card, but beyond that, guests don't need to know what is being served up front, particularly if it's multiple items family style.

Do not change your wedding date to accommodate your Dad being OK with not eating meat on a Friday! Sorry, but that is so silly! This is your wedding, not meatless Friday.

geebee908

Tell your dad to think of Saturday as another Lenten Friday if that helps him get over not eating meat for two days in row. If he's old enough he'll understand if you use the phrase "offer it up."

kahluakoala

I guess I don't understand why you need to do a veg meal? If I remember correctly, your priority is cheap not meat-free, so while what you're doing defintiely isn't wrong, wouldn't the path of least resistance just to throw in a chicken dish and call it a day? I would be surprised if a simple meat meal would be more expensive.

flantastic

scribe95 said:

I think your father and sister are in the wrong. But I don't really get the opposition to offering one meat dish either. You don't have to eat it. I hated one of our three entree options but I wanted to give options that would appeal to many. 

I can understand why if you're vegetarian for philosophical reasons, you're not going to plan to serve someone else meat. They can eat it on their own time, but you don't have to give them the gun to shoot themselves with.

I'm a Catholic who's gonna be meat-free on Fridays. I'd be happy to be meat-free on Saturday celebrating you as well. I'm sure your vegetarian options will be delicious. Stand by them and "the subject is closed" to your dad and sister.

climbingsingle

If you're a vegetarian/vegan for ethical/philosophical reasons, you absolutely wouldn't want to serve a meat dish. That goes against your beliefs. 

kahluakoala

Right but her FI is a meat eater, right? I agree that there's nothing wrong with the plan, but I think it might just be easier to cave on this one.

bookmaiden17_

My FI and I are doing a vegetarian wedding. He is vegetarian and I am mostly. Like PP have said he doesn't like the idea of serving meat at our wedding even if he isn't eating it. If vegetarian is what you guys want at your wedding go for it! Don't change your date to make it more okay with people or add a meat dish just because some people want it.  As long as they are getting feed a lot of people won't notice the lack of meat. I wouldn't post the menu on your website. When some people hear vegetarian they assume that the food will not be good or that they won't like it.  Much better for people to just come to the wedding and eating what is before them. 

Also don't feel like you have to go over your budget to please other people if you are paying for it. Stick to what you feel comfortable paying for and let the rest go. 

ahoywedding

If you're ok with fish and want to placate your family, maybe you could offer that? I grew up in a super Catholic area and every restaurant had a Friday fish fry (year round!).

However, I think it's also just fine if you don't want to cave on your beliefs! Your menu sounded like plenty of food, and as long as you account for any possible food allergies (gluten, nuts, etc since they're more common in veggie foods) no one will starve. I'm a vegetarian and my FI isn't and I had a hard time reconciling with the one meat option he wants for our reception. It was one of the few things he realllly wanted so I let it go. Everything else we're serving is vegan though. 

lnixon8

So ironic how many omnivores would see no problem with vegetarians just eating side dishes if they were to serve meat.

Your menu sounds great, it's not like your serving "fake" meat.

Edit:omnivores not herbivores

ahoywedding

lnixon8 said:

So ironic how many herbivores would see no problem with vegetarians just eating side dishes if they were to serve meat.

Your menu sounds great, it's not like your serving "fake" meat.

UGH this! There's one restaurant in particular where I really love making a meal out of sides, but I know they serve giant portions and everything is amazing so it's great. But that's when I choose do make a meal that way. I don't want someone else deciding it's ok that all I can eat is a wimpy garden salad and a stupid vegetable like canned corn. No one will starve or die if they don't get meat for one meal out of a whole weekend.

MaggieF1990

lnixon8 said:

So ironic how many herbivores would see no problem with vegetarians just eating side dishes if they were to serve meat.

Your menu sounds great, it's not like your serving "fake" meat.

100 percent agree with this. I eat meat daily, but I also love vegetables, fruit, pasta and plenty of foods that are not meat. I would be turned off by any fake meat, but not by a meal that happened to not include it.

lyndausvi

lnixon8 said:

So ironic how many omnivores would see no problem with vegetarians just eating side dishes if they were to serve meat.

Your menu sounds great, it's not like your serving "fake" meat.

Edit:omnivores not herbivores

I'm an omnivores who goes out of my way to make sure my vegetarian/vegan friends have more than just sides for dinner.  

It's not fair to generalize all omnivores position on the subject.   Sometimes it's a case by case thing.  Not all vegetarians are because of ethical reasons.  Some vegetarians are not really vegetarians. I work in the food industry, I've seen the craziest requests from so called vegetarians, vegans, GF, allergic, etc.  guests. Some real eye-worth stuff.

I wouldn't be so bold as to demand a family member to have the menu I would want. I mean who does that?   I might side-eye a couple who makes a point to tell everyone about their vegetarian wedding when I know one/both eat meat.  I comes across like they are special or something.  

I rarely know the menu at most weddings any way, when people go out of their way to announce the menu I feel like there might be other motives and not just to let them know. 

FWIW - As a former Catholic, not eating meat on Fridays = eating fish or pizza in my family.  It wasn't eating vegetarian.   I'm not sure why the OP decided to use that as something to compromise with her family, let alone why the family thought it was "okay".  It's just weird all around.  Why move your wedding to a less convenient time for most guests just to justify serving a vegetarian meal?  On the family side, what?  You can not go 2 days in a row without having a dinner with meat?    Again, odd all around.



For the recored, in the OP's first post I said her menu was fine and they needed to STOP talking about the menu to everyone.  The menu is the menu.  If you are not paying, you don't have a say.  END OF DISCUSSION!

charlotte989875

The OP definitely is free to choose the menu she and her FI want. 

But if you keeping looking for approval from your guests, and asking meat eaters what they think, you'll likely keep getting the same responses to add a meat dish. 

So then two options 1) add a meat dish to make them happy, or 2) stop trying to convince them to want a vegetarian meal, keep your plans as they are, and stop talking about the menu with them. 

I agree its wrong of the sister and father to insist on a particular food, but I also think running the menu by them or continuing to ask for their opinion (when you know very well what it is) is foolish.  

flantastic

lyndausvi said:

lnixon8 said:

So ironic how many omnivores would see no problem with vegetarians just eating side dishes if they were to serve meat.

Your menu sounds great, it's not like your serving "fake" meat.

Edit:omnivores not herbivores

I'm an omnivores who goes out of my way to make sure my vegetarian/vegan friends have more than just sides for dinner.  

It's not fair to generalize all omnivores position on the subject.   Sometimes it's a case by case thing.  Not all vegetarians are because of ethical reasons.  Some vegetarians are not really vegetarians. I work in the food industry, I've seen the craziest requests from so called vegetarians, vegans, GF, allergic, etc.  guests. Some real eye-worth stuff.

I wouldn't be so bold as to demand a family member to have the menu I would want. I mean who does that?   I might side-eye a couple who makes a point to tell everyone about their vegetarian wedding when I know one/both eat meat.  I comes across like they are special or something.  

I rarely know the menu at most weddings any way, when people go out of their way to announce the menu I feel like there might be other motives and not just to let them know. 

FWIW - As a former Catholic, not eating meat on Fridays = eating fish or pizza in my family.  It wasn't eating vegetarian.   I'm not sure why the OP decided to use that as something to compromise with her family, let alone why the family thought it was "okay".  It's just weird all around.  Why move your wedding to a less convenient time for most guests just to justify serving a vegetarian meal?  On the family side, what?  You can not go 2 days in a row without having a dinner with meat?    Again, odd all around.



For the recored, in the OP's first post I said her menu was fine and they needed to STOP talking about the menu to everyone.  The menu is the menu.  If you are not paying, you don't have a say.  END OF DISCUSSION!

Okay. Is there anything or anyone this is directed towards? @lnixon8 didn't generalize all omnivores' position on the subject. She just pointed out that there are a lot who think this way. A lot =/= all. She wasn't talking about you or any of the omnivores in this thread who gave good advice.

MesmrEwe

OP - it's time to talk about your Bean Dip when this subject comes up.  You've moved it to a Friday during lent since the menu is the priority for you, that's more than enough to say "discussion is over"...  That Bean Dip recipe is simply change the subject, this discussion is over, the menu is the menu...

Australian_girl_in_Paris

I'm Vegetarian and I've eaten some sad meals at other people's weddings - just sides because the kitchen didn't get the memo about me or they assumed that I would eat Fish - I don't.

Honestly- if that was my sister I would have had strong words with her -  I've heard you now get with the program - this is what we're doing and you'll love it. 

Honestly - like she will die from eating one veggie meal in her life!

We are having a veggie heavy wedding. My FI eats meat so we are going to have some options but I've stamped around a bit about making sure the veggie options are not just the sides.

I'd tell my sister what I though and if she continues on about it I'd stop talking to her about and I think I'd let her know I was upset about it and that I assumed as my sister that she would support me.
Dads are more difficult - if he's not paying then there's no discussion. If he is then maybe try to explain why you're doing it. It was a cost saving thing, right? then if he's paying then he should be on board with that!

Good luck!