Polite way to find out if they're feeding us?

aurianna

Got an invite in the mail for a wedding of a family member in July.
Wedding is at 6:30pm on a Saturday.
Both ceremony and reception is in a Church/rec center.

There is no RSVP card and no request for RSVP.
It says "A night of celebration to follow."

I know this venue and it has a large kitchen area.
The party room will hold lots of tables but I'm not sure it will hold both tables and a dance floor for the number of guests that are likely being invited (50 people alone were sent the facebook shower invite).


There's still lots of time to find out, but if it gets closer to the event and it hasn't been made clear yet... best tips on finding out if my family and I need to eat before hand?

missJeanLouise

Do you have a gossipy relative? Who else do you know who was invited? You could ask if they are eating beforehand and see what they say. 

southernbelle0915

You could say, "We are so excited to celebrate with you. The invitation didn't have an RSVP card, so we wanted to let you know we're attending. Do you also need our menu choices?"

I would hope that would lead into a response that gives you some idea of menu.

lyndausvi

If they are having a 6:30 pm reception without dinner I wouldn't be attending.   That is dinner time in my world.

I would try and talked to the gossipy relative.  They know all.  Ha.

Also send a note, email, whatever saying you can't wait to all attend and how wedding planning is going.  Maybe it will start a dialog on what is planned.

missfrodo

Why did you get an invite for a July wedding now?   It feels super early to me.  I would definitely ask ahead of time if they're feeding you, even if that involves messaging the bride or groom directly (if you don't have a handy family gossip).

ILoveBeachMusic

missfrodo said:

Why did you get an invite for a July wedding now?   It feels super early to me.  I would definitely ask ahead of time if they're feeding you, even if that involves messaging the bride or groom directly (if you don't have a handy family gossip).

It is super early. No one needs to send an invitation to a wedding 4 months in advance but in the last year I have gotten two, and they had really early RSVP deadlines. My first thought was B-listing both times.

STARMOON44

I guess I come at this from the opposite angle. I'd assume you are, of course, going to be fed, and I don't really see why you're doubting that. An invitation isn't supposed to list out what exact food you're getting or anything. There's no polite way to find out because you're suggesting you are concerned they won't be polite to you. Eat a snack before and leave early if you're hungry. 

CMGragain

aurianna said:

Got an invite in the mail for a wedding of a family member in July.
Wedding is at 6:30pm on a Saturday.
Both ceremony and reception is in a Church/rec center.

There is no RSVP card and no request for RSVP.
It says "A night of celebration to follow."

I know this venue and it has a large kitchen area.
The party room will hold lots of tables but I'm not sure it will hold both tables and a dance floor for the number of guests that are likely being invited (50 people alone were sent the facebook shower invite).


There's still lots of time to find out, but if it gets closer to the event and it hasn't been made clear yet... best tips on finding out if my family and I need to eat before hand?

This is why the proper wording is "Reception to follow".  Then you would assume that there will be food due to the timing of the wedding.  A reception includes food, while "a night of celebration" does not always include it.   If there is no food, leave the reception and go out to dinner instead.  It would be very rude of the hosts to have a reception at dinner time without food.
Creative wording doesn't always do the job, does it?

Alternatively, you could call the bride and say "I am confused about the wording on your invitation.  Are you serving dinner at your reception?"  Since it is the invitation  wording that causes your doubts, there is nothing wrong with simply asking her the question.

You need to respond in writing to the invitation. Lack of response cards do not mean that you can be rude and not respond to a formal invitation.  You write a note, "Mr. and Mrs. John Doe accept with pleasure the kind invitation to attend the wedding of Bride and Groom."  This was standard practice until the 1970s, and it is still the default mode today.

MairePoppy

I would assume dinner will be served at a 6:30 wedding, but you never know. Are you attending the shower? You could ask the bride, or the family gossip, if it's a dinner reception. 

kahluakoala

If I had to guess, I would expect heavy apps. Which for me is fine for dinner.

But just ask. 

SP29

I would assume dinner (or some sort of food). But I agree with CMG- the wording the B&G have used is confusing, so I don't think it would be inappropriate to ask. Though I'd probably talk to some other family members first if you can.

thisismynickname2

For a 6:30 ceremony I'd be snacking beforehand anyway. Just saying!

Depending on how close you are to the family member, knowing me, when I either see them next or when I RSVP, I'd just excitedly say, "Oooo a night of celebraaaation, what do you have planned?"

Basically my same reaction when people say they chose an interesting venue, like, oooo that stately mansion, how great! (Genuine enthusiasm, not sarcasm.) And then they excitedly babble about the layout of cocktail hour and dinner with all the neat rooms. Problem solved. 

holyguacamole79

I'd be all, 

lnixon8

Happy hour before!

MesmrEwe

Pick up the phone and ask where they're going to be registered (conversation starter) and lead it in to are you planning dinner or should I plan ahead?  The opposite of bean dip in a way, more like "OOOh - which type of dip is that, can I have a bite?!?!?" 

short+sassy

MesmrEwe said:

Pick up the phone and ask where they're going to be registered (conversation starter) and lead it in to are you planning dinner or should I plan ahead?  The opposite of bean dip in a way, more like "OOOh - which type of dip is that, can I have a bite?!?!?" 

And digging out if there will be bean dip at all, lol.

aurianna

So some extra information:

-This wedding is in the country. Leaving early to go out to dinner isn't a thing. Nor is happy hour before. Though I do love Sonic tater tots; that's about the only viable alternative.

-I know this crowd and this venue enough to know the "do you need my menu choice?" thing will NOT fly. If there is food it would likely be a walmart sandwich spread, gas station pizza (really good actually) or stuff the family makes themselves. (Any of which I'm totally fine with if there's enough for a meal!). They would think I was ridiculous if I insinuated I thought this was a "steak or fish?" event.

-I was involved in throwing a baby shower for someone in this family at this same venue. I wanted to do invites and I asked for the guest list. I was told I was in charge of food instead. "Invites" were done by someone else and was an open ended facebook event and word-of-mouth to various family members. I asked how many people were coming. I was told we didn't know and that and we weren't going to ask people for RSVPs because "that's now how we do it down here." (the one who told me this is the mother of the groom in this case)

-I have ZERO suspicion B-listing is applicable here.


I think I will just wait for a bit and try to figure out the best family member to ask. However I worry that my trying to find out will be perceived as judgement if they are in fact not serving dinner which isn't really the case.

I know the couple is very young and I know how casually this family handles events (my cousin's wedding didn't even have invitations). So I think there's a distinct possibility they won't serve dinner. But I'm going to go to the wedding and reception regardless because I love them a bunch and wouldn't have it any other way.



Closer to I'll try to find a way to casually ask someone and will make sure to put granola bars for me and cheerios for my daughter in my purse just in case.

JediElizabeth

In this case, I would honestly not even ask. I'd go with an open mind, but be prepared. Can you pack a cooler with something substantial but that will keep if you don't get to it for a while? 

Not the best option, and admittedly a little rude, but I'd rather sneak out for a bite than be hanrgy or skip out early from the reception. Especially since it seems like seeking out info is going to be misinterpreted. 

MairePoppy

Yep, I think you know the answer. Too many people and too little food. Get out the cooler, pack a few sandwiches and snacks. 

aurianna

The wedding is the end of July in the midwest. A cooler won't do too well in the car (I know! So full of excuses I am).


But based on new input I think this is the plan if I don't find out before hand that there is going to be enough dinner:

-As a family, hubby, DD and I will eat a late lunch.

-I will make sure before going to the wedding that there is either something waiting at my grandmother's house (where we will be staying as this is an out-of-town wedding for us) after the wedding OR that Sonic or gas station pizza will be available to us after wedding (not sure on hours).

-We will feed baby at grandmother's house before the wedding so we we know she's covered

-I will stock purse with cheerios, granola bars, jerky and whatever else

-If there's enough food and/or we're having a great time we will stay.

-If we start starving to death we'll leave early and blame it on the baby (no one has to know she normally stays up until after 9......)



Thanks all.

ahoywedding

STARMOON44 said:

I guess I come at this from the opposite angle. I'd assume you are, of course, going to be fed, and I don't really see why you're doubting that. An invitation isn't supposed to list out what exact food you're getting or anything. There's no polite way to find out because you're suggesting you are concerned they won't be polite to you. Eat a snack before and leave early if you're hungry. 

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

DrillSergeantCat

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

ahoywedding

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

Yeah it was pretty awful. I wouldn't blame you for leaving...non-pregnant me was pretty grumpy too!

short+sassy

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

levioosa

short+sassy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

I'm known as the person who always makes "too much food." Not providing enough food is like a foreign concept.  It keeps the party going.  It's what people remember.  I went to a wedding where the ceremony was at 5:00 and we didn't eat until 9 pm.  They ran out of food, and the caterer wasn't equipped to handle the amount of people.  People remembered that more than they remembered the great DJ.  

OurWildKingdom

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

I'm known as the person who always makes "too much food." Not providing enough food is like a foreign concept.  It keeps the party going.  It's what people remember.  I went to a wedding where the ceremony was at 5:00 and we didn't eat until 9 pm.  They ran out of food, and the caterer wasn't equipped to handle the amount of people.  People remembered that more than they remembered the great DJ.  

Me too! Every time we have people over, whether we cooked or ordered in, we end up with an insane amount of leftovers and send people home with food.

ILoveBeachMusic

OurWildKingdom said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

I'm known as the person who always makes "too much food." Not providing enough food is like a foreign concept.  It keeps the party going.  It's what people remember.  I went to a wedding where the ceremony was at 5:00 and we didn't eat until 9 pm.  They ran out of food, and the caterer wasn't equipped to handle the amount of people.  People remembered that more than they remembered the great DJ.  

Me too! Every time we have people over, whether we cooked or ordered in, we end up with an insane amount of leftovers and send people home with food.

Me three! For DD's wedding we ordered extra cake because I didn't want to run out of cake ( the baker said not to plan on everyone eating cake - WTF!).

ei34

ILoveBeachMusic said:

OurWildKingdom said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

I'm known as the person who always makes "too much food." Not providing enough food is like a foreign concept.  It keeps the party going.  It's what people remember.  I went to a wedding where the ceremony was at 5:00 and we didn't eat until 9 pm.  They ran out of food, and the caterer wasn't equipped to handle the amount of people.  People remembered that more than they remembered the great DJ.  

Me too! Every time we have people over, whether we cooked or ordered in, we end up with an insane amount of leftovers and send people home with food.

Me three! For DD's wedding we ordered extra cake because I didn't want to run out of cake ( the baker said not to plan on everyone eating cake - WTF!).

I'm this way too.  I'm hoping my Palm Sunday dinner spread is polished off by Good Friday or else I'm going to risk being a bad Catholic and indulging

OurWildKingdom

ILoveBeachMusic said:

OurWildKingdom said:

levioosa said:

short+sassy said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

That's what I don't understand about people, whether it's a party or a reception.  The host(ess) will spend all kinds of money to throw a shindig.  But, if you cheap out on the food portions and people get hungry, they're not staying and an otherwise great party becomes a big flop.

I'm known as the person who always makes "too much food." Not providing enough food is like a foreign concept.  It keeps the party going.  It's what people remember.  I went to a wedding where the ceremony was at 5:00 and we didn't eat until 9 pm.  They ran out of food, and the caterer wasn't equipped to handle the amount of people.  People remembered that more than they remembered the great DJ.  

Me too! Every time we have people over, whether we cooked or ordered in, we end up with an insane amount of leftovers and send people home with food.

Me three! For DD's wedding we ordered extra cake because I didn't want to run out of cake ( the baker said not to plan on everyone eating cake - WTF!).

Who (barring health or moral considerations) doesn't eat cake at a wedding?

banana468

ahoywedding said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

Yeah it was pretty awful. I wouldn't blame you for leaving...non-pregnant me was pretty grumpy too!

Do you still work with her?    Did she understand ever how bad that was?

ahoywedding

banana468 said:

ahoywedding said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

ahoywedding said:

Don't assume! I went to a coworker's wedding years ago; she invited the whole office. There wasn't a meal choice on the RSVP card, so we all assumed buffet. WRONG. We showed up at the reception venue (after a non-hosted gap), only to have the bride's mother come out and yell at us to leave because the dinner was for close friends & family. (They also gave wristbands to family for free drinks, and everyone else had to pay.) We left early.

I agree with the gossipy relative or striking up a conversation with the couple! Most of the time the food is something that comes up in planning conversations. 

WTELF?!? Worst wedding I went to they served appetizers - cheese, fruit, chicken fingers - and ran out about an hour into the reception. I was 5 months pregnant so a bunch of us left really early to go eat.

Yeah it was pretty awful. I wouldn't blame you for leaving...non-pregnant me was pretty grumpy too!

Do you still work with her?    Did she understand ever how bad that was?

No, this was a long time ago. We stayed friends for a while, but it was reallllly awkward when she asked at work if we had fun at her wedding. We were all kind of like ummmm. I did decline her baby shower invite (we were no longer coworkers at that point)!