Honeymoon Postcard Thank You's

SWebb1985

Never mind.  It's not worth the hassle. 
 
Thanks ladies and stay classy!

southernbelle0915

SWebb1985 said:

We're getting married on 4/21/17 and we've already received a lot of gifts since we're doing a Honeyfund registry.  I've sent several regular thank you's for them as well.  Our honeymoon is 3 weeks after the wedding and will last 3 weeks long.  While we're there, I'm planning on sending out select few postcard thank you's... for example, we're going to Italy and Greece so we've listed our excursions for those places in our Honeyfund, one such excursion is a Segway tour in Rhodes.  The person who purchased this for us will get a postcard of Rhodes.  My questions are:

1) Someone gave us a large amount of cash as a wedding gift 2 days ago. Can I wait to send a thank you postcard from the honeymoon or should I send one now?  Or just send both??

2) For the gifts I only just received (not including the large sum of cash), would it be bad manners to wait until after the wedding to send thank you's since our wedding is in 3 weeks and it's starting to get really hectic?  Kind of falls in line with question 1 but it was quite a bit more than we expected to receive so special circumstances maybe?

3) Would it be faux pas to purchase the postcards while we're in those countries and wait to send them until we get back to the U.S.?  It might take a lot longer (or not make it) if we send from there but I feel it would be more genuine.

Thanks! 
Sheri

1) Thank them right away. You can always buy a postcard from the excursion and send it later, reiterating how much fun the experience was.

2) I would not wait. Send the TY now. 

3) Since you're sending formal TYs now, I don't think it's faux pas to purchase the post cards on your trip and mail them when you get home. It'll be "extra" so there's no time limit on it. 

In general, send the TYs as soon as possible. You can always send other things later. For example, we sent photos of us using a hammock we got from friends months after the wedding and said "thanks again!" No harm in that as long as the formal TY was sent timely. 

levioosa

SWebb1985 said:

We're getting married on 4/21/17 and we've already received a lot of gifts since we're doing a Honeyfund registry.  I've sent several regular thank you's for them as well.  Our honeymoon is 3 weeks after the wedding and will last 3 weeks long.  While we're there, I'm planning on sending out select few postcard thank you's... for example, we're going to Italy and Greece so we've listed our excursions for those places in our Honeyfund, one such excursion is a Segway tour in Rhodes.  The person who purchased this for us will get a postcard of Rhodes.  My questions are:

1) Someone gave us a large amount of cash as a wedding gift 2 days ago. Can I wait to send a thank you postcard from the honeymoon or should I send one now?  Or just send both??

2) For the gifts I only just received (not including the large sum of cash), would it be bad manners to wait until after the wedding to send thank you's since our wedding is in 3 weeks and it's starting to get really hectic?  Kind of falls in line with question 1 but it was quite a bit more than we expected to receive so special circumstances maybe?

3) Would it be faux pas to purchase the postcards while we're in those countries and wait to send them until we get back to the U.S.?  It might take a lot longer (or not make it) if we send from there but I feel it would be more genuine.

Thanks! 
Sheri

Having a honeyfund is rude. It is essentially asking for cash, plus the site takes a cut so you're not even getting the full amount. Guests think they are paying for an experience but really you're just getting a big check minus the 3-10% service fee, which is just a foolish way of managing money anyways. 

Thank you notes should be sent out as soon as possible whenever a gift is received. The more you do now, the easier it will be after the wedding, and it shows the gift giver your gratitude. They don't care about a cute post card or picture. They want to know that you received the gift, and to be thanked for it. I personally never cash checks or use gift money until I write a thank you note. I feel like the least I can do is write the thank you before I use the gift. Plus then I don't forget to do it. 

climbingsingle

Ideally, you'd have a time machine so you could go back in time and not do a honeyfund. I mean, really? You're taking a 3 week honeymoon and are asking your guests to fund it? 

Always send out thank yous ASAP. 

SWebb1985

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levioosa

SWebb1985 said:

@ SouthernBelle:  Thanks for the advice!  You're right!  Better to send a formal one now and the postcard can be a little something extra.  Thanks!

@levioosa:  Wow... thanks Judgy McJudgerson.  I didn't ask for your opinion on the registry itself.  And not that it's ANY of your business but I felt that Honeyfund was a polite way to have a registry since we've already established a home full of "things".  And yes, that sucks about Honeyfund taking a cut but it's not something I advertised to my guests so they wouldn't feel put out about it.  In fact, most of the excursions I listed, I put a lower amount anyway.  We wanted people to feel "included" in our honeymoon because it falls in line with our wedding theme but we didn't want it to be a gift grab either.  Either way, you don't know the whole story for us or anyone else so you might do well to keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.  

This is an open forum so anyone can comment how they like. 

I've already established how honey funds are rude. They are essentially lying to your guests about where they money is going. Have a home full of stuff?  Cool, don't register. The people buying your honeyfund are the same people that would have given you cash--and you would have gotten the full amount. That just makes more financial sense anyways. Great Aunt Gertrude was always going to get you a crystal bowl regardless of what kind of registry you had. 

And no one wants or needs to be "included" in the honeymoon. Just....why? They attended your wedding. They were included. You're just trying to justify the honeyfund at this point. 

southernbelle0915

SWebb1985 said:

@ SouthernBelle:  Thanks for the advice!  You're right!  Better to send a formal one now and the postcard can be a little something extra.  Thanks!

@levioosa:  Wow... thanks Judgy McJudgerson.  I didn't ask for your opinion on the registry itself.  And not that it's ANY of your business but I felt that Honeyfund was a polite way to have a registry since we've already established a home full of "things".  And yes, that sucks about Honeyfund taking a cut but it's not something I advertised to my guests so they wouldn't feel put out about it.  In fact, most of the excursions I listed, I put a lower amount anyway.  We wanted people to feel "included" in our honeymoon because it falls in line with our wedding theme but we didn't want it to be a gift grab either.  Either way, you don't know the whole story for us or anyone else so you might do well to keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.  

I didn't address it since you've already done it and received gifts, and now you're trying to be polite and send appropriate TY notes (which is great!), but FTR, any registry that solicits cash is against etiquette. It's water under the bridge for you at this point because it's done, so the best you can do now is polite and timely TY notes. 

For lurkers, asking for money (in any form and for any reason) is considered rude/against etiquette. A registry is not required for a wedding. When you want money instead of "stuff", you just don't register. When people say "where are you registered?" you say "we aren't registered, we're saving up for a house/a vacation/a car...." People get it. They know money is a good gift.

SWebb1985

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levioosa

SWebb1985 said:

Troll-city on this site!  Geez.  No, I would not go back and get rid of the Honeyfund.  I think it's a great idea and so far, a large portion of both of our families have commented on how they love the idea and love that we're taking a really nice honeymoon.  And they love that they get to contribute to it!

And FYI - I take Emily Post as my go to for etiquette and apparently, having a honeymoon registry is not as bad as you all think...  http://emilypost.com/advice/taming-the-wedding-registry/

Everyone has a different situation and does what's best for them.  You all did what worked for you and hopefully no one trolled you about it.  I'm sorry if they did though.  From this post, it appears to me that the only people who have an issue with Honeyfund are other brides....

Emily Post's relatives now run her website/etiquette advice and they've definitely fallen prey to the wedding industry which has become a monster of greed. 

Also....if you think I am a troll you don't know how to internet properly. 

And the the thing about family is....they'll always tell you they love you and your ideas to your face. I wonder if they would feel the same way if they found out they were just giving you a check for $90 instead of $100, and not an actual experience. I mean, when I give someone my hard earned money I love hearing that a portion of it went to a pointless fee that could have been avoided. But that's just me. 

ILoveBeachMusic

SWebb1985 said:

Troll-city on this site!  Geez.  No, I would not go back and get rid of the Honeyfund.  I think it's a great idea and so far, a large portion of both of our families have commented on how they love the idea and love that we're taking a really nice honeymoon.  And they love that they get to contribute to it!

And FYI - I take Emily Post as my go to for etiquette and apparently, having a honeymoon registry is not as bad as you all think...  http://emilypost.com/advice/taming-the-wedding-registry/

Everyone has a different situation and does what's best for them.  You all did what worked for you and hopefully no one trolled you about it.  I'm sorry if they did though.  From this post, it appears to me that the only people who have an issue with Honeyfund are other brides....

Nope I'm not a bride (former MOB) and side eye the hell out of Honeyfunds. I wanted to give DD and SIL money for their honeymoon which they took 6 months later. Know what I did? I wrote a check. As for not letting your guests know that the Honeyfund takes a cut, that would make me even madder if I thought you were getting the whole amount but later found out you didn't. The people who have commented on your post are not trolls. They are regular posters here.

banana468

SWebb1985 said:

Troll-city on this site!  Geez.  No, I would not go back and get rid of the Honeyfund.  I think it's a great idea and so far, a large portion of both of our families have commented on how they love the idea and love that we're taking a really nice honeymoon.  And they love that they get to contribute to it!

And FYI - I take Emily Post as my go to for etiquette and apparently, having a honeymoon registry is not as bad as you all think...  http://emilypost.com/advice/taming-the-wedding-registry/

Everyone has a different situation and does what's best for them.  You all did what worked for you and hopefully no one trolled you about it.  I'm sorry if they did though.  From this post, it appears to me that the only people who have an issue with Honeyfund are other brides....

You already talked about how you didn't disclose how a honeymoon registry truly works to your family and friends.   If you said that they're really just registries for cash and the company managing the fund takes a cut off the top, do you think your family and friends would feel the same way?      The logic here is flawed.    You failed to disclose all of the information and thus opinions formed are going to be based on a lack of understanding.    Many times those who are against honeymoon registries are against them because they know it's rude to ask for cash and they certainly don't want to give only 90% of a gift.  

Emily Post is dead.   Her legacy is managed by others who also shill out for the wedding industry.  If you want to look into etiquette, go to it by a respected person who is still alive - like Judith Martin.  

Finally, those who disagree with you aren't trolling you.  That's not how trolling works. 

SWebb1985

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ei34

No one here is a troll.  You coming here with an idea so awful it upsets people is actually kind of troll-ish.  *end troll rant*

PP have covered why Honeyfund's are rude and a bad idea.  Regarding your thank you card question, I'd send thank you's asap (as you receive gifts), and then send postcards from your honeymoon destinations as you wish.  

southernbelle0915

I guess my advice was good until I said something you disagreed with. Now I'm a troll. lol

You are posting to the etiquette board. Asking for money is against etiquette. Emily Post died in 1960 after making a name for herself in actual etiquette. Know who writes for her site now? The wife of her great grandson and some great grandkids, who have all made millions on her name, but never really knew her. "Emily Post", as a brand, is now used to sell things. To the wedding industry. Which coincidentally pushes things that make money...like honeyfunds where you pay a 3% service charge. You can sometimes get good advice, but now you have to take it with a grain of salt since they've sold out.

banana468

SWebb1985 said:

I'm calling out the trolls because so far, only one person has actually commented on my questions.  Everyone else just thinks it's their business to tell me what I've done wrong.  Fact is, it's done and how I handled it is between my family and me.  So if no one else can provide constructive opinions about my original questions, I think my business here is done.  

The people who are disagreeing with you are not trolls.     I think you may be misunderstanding what a troll is.   I can assure you that those who posted thus far are NOT trolls.

You're absolutely right.   What you have done is between you and your family.   However based on what you said, it's not really defensible either.   You're allowed to have that honeymoon registry but you admitted that you weren't entirely honest about how they work.   Just think about that and how your family members are spending their money.

Finally, you didn't ask this but I would at least remove your name from your original post.   It allows me to search for you on the internet and I would only want your wedding web page to be seen by those you know.

SWebb1985

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ei34

SWebb1985 said:

@southernbelle0915  No, I actually appreciated how you responded both times.  Instead of critiquing, you answered my questions politely.  Your opinions were just that, opinions and I can respect that.  So thank you for being kind.  I'm not mad because I didn't get the answer I wanted... I just think that if these women didn't have anything legitimate to contribute to the questions I asked, then why say anything at all?  Regardless of the general opinion of honeyfunds, why would you out-right call someone you don't even know rude for having one???  What purpose does this serve?  Do people think they can shame me into getting rid of my honeyfund?  How about "I personally don't agree with them but to answer your question..."?  So yes, trolls!  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  

Honeyfund's being a financially poor decision isn't an opinion.  Flat-out asking people for money is rude- that isn't an opinion either.  The beauty of TK and other anonymous online forums is that you receive objective, honest feedback.  

SWebb1985

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southernbelle0915

SWebb1985 said:

@southernbelle0915  No, I actually appreciated how you responded both times.  Instead of critiquing, you answered my questions politely.  Your opinions were just that, opinions and I can respect that.  So thank you for being kind.  I'm not mad because I didn't get the answer I wanted... I just think that if these women didn't have anything legitimate to contribute to the questions I asked, then why say anything at all?  Regardless of the general opinion of honeyfunds, why would you out-right call someone you don't even know rude for having one???  What purpose does this serve?  Do people think they can shame me into getting rid of my honeyfund?  How about "I personally don't agree with them but to answer your question..."?  So yes, trolls!  If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.  

When brides are researching for their wedding, sometimes they'll just go to google and type in things like "honeyfund etiquette" or "honeymoon registry rude?" and threads like this will come up as a hit. These people are called "lurkers", like they'll read this whole thread just to do research and plan their wedding. 

For that reason it IS important that proper etiquette is called out for lurkers who might be considering this or something similar. It's the etiquette board after all. It's important that lurkers know 1) if something is rude and 2) why is it rude and 3) available alternatives. 

You've already done this, so the answers to your questions are easy - send the TY notes ASAP and anything else is extra gratitude, which is always appreciated. But for any lurkers still learning, they need all the information they can get. 

ILoveBeachMusic

The reason people post on things you didn't ask about but stated in your original post is so that lurkers or future brides will know that it is against etiquette to have a honey fund. Yes it is too late for you to change your plans but other brides might learn something. That is what these forums are all about. So yes, just mail your thank you notes asap.

SWebb1985

Thanks again @southernbelle0915 and @ILoveBeachMusic.  I appreciate the feedback.  

CMGragain

I am sorry that you are so shocked at the reaction to your Honeymoon Registry.  If you had just done a little research before doing this, you would have found that they are very controversial, and that many people frown on them.  They are an invention of the travel industry.

MobKaz

SWebb1985 said:

@ SouthernBelle:  Thanks for the advice!  You're right!  Better to send a formal one now and the postcard can be a little something extra.  Thanks!

@levioosa:  Wow... thanks Judgy McJudgerson.  I didn't ask for your opinion on the registry itself.  And not that it's ANY of your business but I felt that Honeyfund was a polite way to have a registry since we've already established a home full of "things".  And yes, that sucks about Honeyfund taking a cut but it's not something I advertised to my guests so they wouldn't feel put out about it.  In fact, most of the excursions I listed, I put a lower amount anyway.  We wanted people to feel "included" in our honeymoon because it falls in line with our wedding theme but we didn't want it to be a gift grab either.  Either way, you don't know the whole story for us or anyone else so you might do well to keep your unsolicited opinions to yourself.  

This is EXACTLY why a Honeyfund is a poor choice!  If I found out that my gift to you was actually reduced, and you were aware of that reduction, I would be hella angry.  Tell me about your travel plans and I am more than happy to write you a full and uncut check encouraging you to spend it on an adventure while on your travels.

I would also be incredibly hurt to find out you were deliberate in that action.  Would it make sense to register for a place setting for 8 knowing you would only be getting 7?

ETA:  @SWebb1985 said, "No, I wasn't completely honest and I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I told some of my family members that the site charged a fee but in the mix of planning a wedding, I honestly wasn't sure how to handle exposing the honeyfund fee to everyone.  So I just left it alone."

The fact that you worried about exposing this fee to guests indicates that on some level you already had to realize that this was not a great idea. 

levioosa

I'd like to point out I did answer your question about when to send thank you notes. You just didn't like the rest of my answer. Great cherry picking at what you want to hear though. 

ernursej

My issue with a honeyfund is that no one would ever be okay with paying for a set of 12 plates at the department store and then the department store only sending you home with 11. Why would anyone be okay with that logic applied to money?

PPs have the TY etiquette covered.

Heffalump

MobKaz said:

ETA:  @SWebb1985 said, "No, I wasn't completely honest and I guess the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I told some of my family members that the site charged a fee but in the mix of planning a wedding, I honestly wasn't sure how to handle exposing the honeyfund fee to everyone.  So I just left it alone."

The fact that you worried about exposing this fee to guests indicates that on some level you already had to realize that this was not a great idea. 

Yep, that was my first thought.  If I don't want someone to know something, I stop and ask myself why not.  Usually it's because, deep down, I know it's a bad idea.  Fortunately, I've gotten better at listening to that little voice.

OP, PPs are right: if you didn't "need" physical gifts, the solution was to not register, not to register for cash.  This always kills me: you don't "need" a trip to Rhodes (which does sound lovely) any more than you "need" a dozen place settings of china.  You were sneaky, and you need to own that so you can avoid a repeat in the future.

greeninspring

ernursej said:

My issue with a honeyfund is that no one would ever be okay with paying for a set of 12 plates at the department store and then the department store only sending you home with 11. Why would anyone be okay with that logic applied to money?

PPs have the TY etiquette covered.

I actually don't mind that the company takes a service fee off the top. My issue with it is that people think they are actually paying for the specific "excursions" when actually the couple can use that money however they'd like. That is the deceptive part to me. If I think I'm buying you a snorkeling trip, and you don't even go on the snorkeling trip then thats just wrong. 

Ro041

Lurkers - you wouldn't host a wedding reception that you couldn't afford and then ask your guests to "donate" so you could do something outside of your budget.  The same goes for Honeyfunds - it's not your guests' responsibility to pay for your out-of-budget vacation that you can't afford (even if you do use the word "donation").

OP - you aren't the first bride to have bought all the pots and pans you need before you get married.  My FI and I have lived together for years and when I want something nice for the house, I buy it.  There is nothing unique about your situation.  We made a small registry and our guests know we don't need stuff (so they will get the hint that we probably prefer cash).  Oh and we booked our honeymoon that we paid for ourselves that was within our budget we set.

As to your original question, it's good etiquette to send thank you notes and acknowledge someone's gift when it is received.  If you sent a $100 check, would you pissed if the couple cashed it and didn't acknowledge your generosity for 8 weeks?  Probably. 

short+sassy

greeninspring said:

ernursej said:

My issue with a honeyfund is that no one would ever be okay with paying for a set of 12 plates at the department store and then the department store only sending you home with 11. Why would anyone be okay with that logic applied to money?

PPs have the TY etiquette covered.

I actually don't mind that the company takes a service fee off the top. My issue with it is that people think they are actually paying for the specific "excursions" when actually the couple can use that money however they'd like. That is the deceptive part to me. If I think I'm buying you a snorkeling trip, and you don't even go on the snorkeling trip then thats just wrong. 

I definitely hear what you are saying!  To me, it is another big problem with honeyfund sites.  I like the idea of giving the gift of an experience.  And I'm sure there are some, maybe even a lot of couples, who actually go on whatever excursion it is that a guest paid for.  However, they don't necessarily have to.  They might not even go on a honeymoon at all.

There's just too much deception going on with honeyfunds.  They're dollied up websites to "look" like a guest isn't literally just giving the couple money.  And fees subtracted from gifts that guests may not be aware of.

While PPs are right that it is considered rude to register for money, I personally wouldn't mind the honeyfund sites as much if they had a big disclaimer where the gift is made that said something to the effect of "we'll be sending X and X a monetary gift equal to the value of Y event...with our Z% taken out."  But, of course, they would never do that.

Because then I, as a guest would say, "Oh! They want to go snorkeling while they are in Bora Bora.  That will be $137.  I'll just round that up and send them a check for $140...and, meh, knowing/accepting they might not go snorkeling with it after all."

This is no offense to the OP, just giving my opinion of why I side-eye honeyfund sites.  Though my side-eye is heavier for the sites themselves.

Ro041

@short+sassy - exactly!  Some close friends of mine registered for their honeymoon in Europe.....that they never took.  I refused to partake and instead bought them "Ticket to Ride: Europe" (they are big board game fans).  Apparently a number of our friends were not happy to find out that their honefund site did not give actual experiences and that they had been duped.  

greeninspring

You know, now that I am thinking about it more..I bet a great amount of people who set up honeyfunds cant even afford the honeymoon they are planning. You should at least be able to pay for the hotel and flights and meals yourself and then the honeyfund would be for these extra "excursions". 

But guess what..if people want to give you an excursion or experience on your honeymoon, then they will do just that. They don't need a honeyfund account to facilitate it. One of my cousins asked me last weekend where we were staying on our honeymoon and details about the reservation so that he could call the hotel and arrange something special for us (of course I told him this wasn't necessary and we didn't expect it but I gave him the info if he chooses to do that then it will be very generous of him). When my best friend got married, I asked her for her honeymoon hotel info so that I could set something up for her as well. 

Point is that if you can't afford the honeymoon you are listing on your honeyfund, then you shouldn't be taking it. That is so incredibly rude that some people would set these up and then not even take the trip. If you are truly doing it only for the excursions, then some guests may gift you these excursions on their own. And other guests may give you cash, which you would be free to use on said excursions. Excursions are usually a small portion of the total trip expenses.