Hoping to be invited to DIL's sister's wedding

KatMinn

My DIL's sister is getting married. My DIL's family is very close. Her siblings all live in the same city. Whenever we visit my son and DIL, we always see her siblings at least once. My husband and I usually take everyone out to dinner, and we include the siblings' boyfriends'/girlfriends'. My granddaughter, son, and DIL are all in the wedding. I have heard it has always been tradition to invite . .... but I don't know. The couple is not on a tight budget and there should be room for us. I like the young couple and I think they are fond of us. My granddaughter's 2 year birthday is 4 days after the wedding so we will want to fly out to help her celebrate. But I have a feeling we won't be invited to the wedding. Feeling blue about it.  

ILoveBeachMusic

I've never heard that it is tradition to invite in-law's parents to weddings but I do know of instances where it has happened. If you want to fly out for your GD's birthday, make plans after consulting your son and DIL about when would be a good time. If they know for sure you are invited to the wedding, they will probably mention it. If they don't mention it, just plan to arrive after the wedding. 

banana468

I've never heard that it's tradition but if you're not invited, please don't be disappointed.    There's a good chance that if you ARE invited that you would have a trip with seriously limited time with your son and his family.    Photos and a video conference with your kiddos may be the best compromise.   

ernursej

If the wedding ceremony is in a church, anyone can attend. I do think this is a bit much though. Just because someone might have the money/resources to invite, doesn't mean they have to. I didn't include any extended family despite our financial position to do so.

KatMinn said:

My DIL's sister is getting married. My DIL's family is very close. Her siblings all live in the same city. Whenever we visit my son and DIL, we always see her siblings at least once. My husband and I usually take everyone out to dinner, and we include the siblings' boyfriends'/girlfriends'. My granddaughter, son, and DIL are all in the wedding. I have heard it has always been tradition to invite . .... but I don't know. The couple is not on a tight budget and there should be room for us. I like the young couple and I think they are fond of us. My granddaughter's 2 year birthday is 4 days after the wedding so we will want to fly out to help her celebrate. But I have a feeling we won't be invited to the wedding. Feeling blue about it.  

LondonLisa

I've never heard of this tradition. It seems like you have a cordial and friendly relationship through another person (your DIL) rather than: if you were in town, would you call up DIL's sister for a one on one dinner without DIL? If you called up DIL's sister for a chat, would it be strange? Do you send Christmas cards directly to DIL's sister (not named on parent's)?  The usual rule said for invitations is 'would you call them for a one on one meal'. The answer feels like no. You may be close with DIL and DIL's parents, but they are not in charge of the guest list. 

 There are a multitude of reasons that you may not be invited that you cannot take personally. You don't know their finances, space limitations, etc. 

You, of course, can still go visit for your graddaughter's birthday (and plan to arrive after the wedding). Maybe you could offer to pick up the kids at bedtime so the parents can stay out. Otherwise go out to a nice meal with your husband while everyone is busy. 

Whilst you are friendly with the couple, you are not close, so you cannot take this as a personal affront that you were not invited. 

redoryx

So this has been a thing in my family. Like, my maternal grandparents were invited to multiple weddings of my paternal cousins. But that wasn't so much tradition but because my cousin's on my dad's side liked my mom's mom. And each time there was another wedding, my grandmother was always delightfully surprised to be invited because she never expected or anticipated to be invited.

So the idea that just because the couple doesn't have a tight budget that means they can fit you in really comes off as very entitled. No one is owed an invitation, no matter the couple's budget or even their relationship to the couple. I could have a $100K budget and not plan to invite my own aunts and uncles and that would be okay for me to do (or not do, as the case may be). 

I don't think you mean to come off that way, so just take a step back on this. Even if you can't celebrate with them the day of, if you're planning on being there a few days later you can still celebrate with them then.

charlotte989875

This is a thing in my family; we invited my sister's in-laws to our wedding, and she invited H's parents to hers. But I don't think it's all that common and no one would have been upset or disappointed if they hadn't been invited. 

Why not talk to your son and DIL and ask what they're plans are for that weekend besides the wedding? Maybe offer (as a PP said) to pick up your granddaughter from the reception so the parents can stay out, and celebrate her birthday the next day? 

climbingsingle

I've never heard of this tradition. My brother was engaged at the time I was planning my wedding, and I didn't invite my FSIL's family members. 
My brother and his FI broke up, but if he were to get married, I don't see him inviting my MIL. Honestly, I really don't think you should be feeling sad about being left out. 

Why not talk to your son and see what they have planned for your granddaughter's birthday? Maybe you can plan something separately. 

JaxInBlue

I agree with PPs on this.  I think that while this is a lovely practice for some families and individuals, for many others is not even something they think about.  And I think a lot depends on the couple themselves.  Case in point: DH and I did not invite the ILs of any of our siblings to our wedding; however, when DH's sister was married a few years later, she and her H chose in invite my parents.  It wasn't expected, but was more of a case of my ILs and my folks being closer, and therefore more a part of joint family things.

I like PPs idea of taking with your son and DIL about the idea of visiting for granddaughter's second birthday, and volunteering to spend the later evening with her so they can spend some reception time with family or friends who will be attending.

AddieCake

I wouldn't spend too much time feeling bummed about this. Your only contact with them is when you visit? Do you communicate with them at other times? If you only interact with them when you visit, it's not likely you will be invited, and I wouldn't take it personally. 

[Deleted User]

I think the "tradition" OP is describing is one of inviting the parents of the wedding party.  Since her son and DIL will be in the wedding, she (as the mother of a groomsman) might be invited.  But, no, that's not a thing much anymore now that people are growing up and having friends that don't know their family and whose family they don't know.

I won't be inviting my FSIL's parents to my wedding even though they host us every year for the niece and nephew's birthday party.  They're nice enough people, but they're not my friends.

CMGragain

I am sorry you are feeling bummed about this, but no one is entitled to an invitation to any wedding.

ei34

I invited my sister's IL's to my wedding and she invited mine to hers.  We both had it in our budgets and we're from a big, inclusive, "the more the merrier" type family.  However, this isn't the norm.  Even though you've treated the couple to dinners out, they may not reciprocate.  Invite or not, you're still able to fly to town to celebrate your granddaughter's birthday.

southernbelle0915

We invited my BIL's parents to our wedding. But we didn't do it because we "had to" or because etiquette required it. 

It's ok to be bummed, but you should not expect an invitation to anyone's wedding. Do not broach this subject with your son or your DIL. Wait for a Save the Date or invitation.

aurianna

I don't think my SIL knows my parents' first names.

InLoveInQueens

aurianna said:

I don't think my SIL knows my parents' first names.

I was going to say the same thing, but that my brother doesn't know my MIL's first name. He's getting married in January and I'd be shocked if he even considered inviting her.

MesmrEwe

We invited all of the In-law's parents as well to ours.  It all depends on what the social norm is for your families...  That said, if it's not the norm for theirs, don't take it personal if you don't get an invite and you shouldn't be seeking one out either.  You are however allowed to send the couple a gift if you so choose.  

downtondiva

While there are some families where siblings' in-laws are invited to weddings, etc., I would guess that more often than not, this doesn't happen. It's nice that you see your DIL's family when you visit and that you take them out to dinner, but if you have no other contact with them, I think it's a bit unfair to expect a wedding invitation. It is not up to you to decide whether they have the room in their budget or their venue - and even if they do have that, it still doesn't obligate them to include you.

I won't tell you not to be disappointed because we can't help how we feel about things, but please don't hold it against DIL's family if you aren't invited. Just focus on seeing your granddaughter and celebrating her birthday; wedding or no wedding, that will still be a very happy occasion.

sarals24

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

KatMinn

Thank you all for your replies. It was good to hear these different perspectives. 

ILoveBeachMusic

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

flantastic

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

pegasuskat

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

See, this is more strange to me than OP assuming she will be invited to bday.  I'm a grandmother, and know lots of them and I/they have always been included in birthdays. I grew up in MI and now live in TN and this is the same for both areas.

STARMOON44

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

Agreed. I don't think it's a universal custom or something to be assumed. 

flantastic

pegasuskat said:

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

See, this is more strange to me than OP assuming she will be invited to bday.  I'm a grandmother, and know lots of them and I/they have always been included in birthdays. I grew up in MI and now live in TN and this is the same for both areas.

My family is just not over the top celebraters of birthdays. I realize that there are many families (SIL's included, and therefore our nieces) who have done a thing for every birthday so far (their oldest is 4), and of course the grandparents are included.

We'll have cake at our house, but all the grandparents live 4 hours away. If they want to plan a visit in conjunction with a birthday, that's fine with me, but I'm not specifically inviting them to come that far just for the kid's favorite dinner and cake with her parents. I'm sure they'll call or Skype.

ILoveBeachMusic

flantastic said:

pegasuskat said:

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

See, this is more strange to me than OP assuming she will be invited to bday.  I'm a grandmother, and know lots of them and I/they have always been included in birthdays. I grew up in MI and now live in TN and this is the same for both areas.

My family is just not over the top celebraters of birthdays. I realize that there are many families (SIL's included, and therefore our nieces) who have done a thing for every birthday so far (their oldest is 4), and of course the grandparents are included.

We'll have cake at our house, but all the grandparents live 4 hours away. If they want to plan a visit in conjunction with a birthday, that's fine with me, but I'm not specifically inviting them to come that far just for the kid's favorite dinner and cake with her parents. I'm sure they'll call or Skype.

LOL I have friends who live a 3 hour flight away from all their grandchildren (9 total) and they fly to the celebrations every time. I don't know that I would do that, but then again I'm not a GM yet. I don't know that it is a party with friends every year, but with family (aunts, uncles, cousins) yes every year.

lnixon8

flantastic said:

pegasuskat said:

flantastic said:

ILoveBeachMusic said:

sarals24 said:

Are you even invited to come out to celebrate the kid's birthday? Sounds like a lot of presumption here...

All of my friends who are grandmas are included in their grandchildren's birthday celebration. OP sounds like she has a good relationship with her DS and DIL so would in all likelihood be included in a celebration.

I mean, this was true of the first birthday. If parents express a wish to come out for DD's second birthday, I'll consider it, but I'm not throwing a party (grand or small) every year. And we have a good relationship with both our parents.

See, this is more strange to me than OP assuming she will be invited to bday.  I'm a grandmother, and know lots of them and I/they have always been included in birthdays. I grew up in MI and now live in TN and this is the same for both areas.

My family is just not over the top celebraters of birthdays. I realize that there are many families (SIL's included, and therefore our nieces) who have done a thing for every birthday so far (their oldest is 4), and of course the grandparents are included.

We'll have cake at our house, but all the grandparents live 4 hours away. If they want to plan a visit in conjunction with a birthday, that's fine with me, but I'm not specifically inviting them to come that far just for the kid's favorite dinner and cake with her parents. I'm sure they'll call or Skype.

Esp. since the whole family will have just finished with being in a wedding, they might want to just do something small the day after with cupcakes or something else low key...