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Wedding Woes
short+sassy
member
Dogs Not Allowed On Bed
in Wedding Woes
I love my boyfriend and I love dogs, but not on my bed. He has two huge dogs that he sleeps with, and if I stay over I always end up getting crowded out to the couch or accidentally pushing a dog off the bed. And I have to remind him to put them out of the room when we have sex. He doesn’t care. He usually spends the night at my house, but we are talking about him moving in as his rent is going up. I have a nice home with nice furniture: My dog is trained not to get up on them. My boyfriend gets upset when I tell him we need to train his dogs. We argue about it because I want to do it now before he moves in, and he says he doesn’t have time right now and we can do it later. His lease ends in two months. What should I do? It feels like a stupid point to pause our relationship over but it bugs me that he wouldn’t do this small act for me.
Re: Dogs Not Allowed On Bed
Sounds like he's not taking her concerns seriously and that's a bigger problem than untrained puppies.
Someone being unwilling to train pets would be a deal breaker for me. Especially when the dogs take precedence over her!!!
If it's important to her that his dogs aren't all over the couch and bed, then he should train them not to be on the couch and bed. I mean, what's more important? Her happiness and comfort? Or letting his dogs on the couch? Honestly, it doesn't sound like he's ready to move in with her.
Although I'm really sympathetic to the b/f, but people come first.
My dog sleeps at the foot of our bed. She is a serious FOMO and would be heartbroken if we banned her from our bedroom. I would be sad too, because I play with her for a few minutes every morning when my alarm goes off and it starts my day off brighter.
But, if something happened and my H couldn't be in the bedroom at the same time as our dog, I choose my H.
In my house, we never taught our cats not to get on couch or in bedroom. However at a friend's place, their cat is only allowed on certain parts of the couch and doesn't go in the room.
My cat wakes me in the morning, and friend has said "oh if you train them not to go in bedroom, that wouldn't happen."
I have explained my cat has weird door anxiety and hates them being closed. On top of the fact he's now 11 - you can't train older animals well.
My point is that maybe the dogs are too old to retrain? LW might have to accept this. Or find a compromise.
I wondered if there is a second bedroom in the LW's house. Where they could put a bed just for the dogs. Or where her b/f could sleep. Many couples sleep in different beds for a host of reasons, but I know some people would also think that's a deal breaker.
I see 2 issues though:
It's her place. I don't think he should move in with her, they need to find a new place or not move in together.
I think she's pissed off about bed size, which is totally valid, but also easily solvable with dog beds and some training or a bigger bed.
She's making this bigger than it has to be and I'd break up with someone over my dogs. My dogs = already made life time commitment.
We tried, though. We bought the comfiest bed for him and raised it so he could still sleep next to me. After he fell out if it a couple times, he was right back to sleeping on the bed with us. Between us, this time, so he couldn't fall out again.
But the difference here is that I did try to train Toothless, and DH and I worked hard to train him. And we managed to get him to start the night on his bed, but the moment we fell asleep, he was right back between us. I think if he had been younger when I rescued him, and if the first half of his life hadn't been so full of neglect and abuse, things would have been different.
None of this is particularly relevant to LW, but I do agree the BF needs to make an effort.
However, she is going to have to come up with an agreeable solution with her BF, like yesterday. He should absolutely NOT move in until they have discussed and *agreed* on a solution that makes both of them happy.
Since I found out that I'm allergic to the dogs (I definitely notice it, but I deal because I love them, they are only allowed on the first floor of the house - that way our bedroom stays mostly dog-hair/dander free. It's a pretty reasonable compromise.
And yes, my dog is allowed on furniture. It doesn't mean she's not trained or that I can't have nice things. I just keep blankets covering the couches she lays on.
Also, now we have a king size bed and my H happily cuddles with my dog every night (she sleeps in between us).
My ex-FI once told me, "When Old Dog and Older Dog die, I don't think we should ever have dogs on the bed again." Both were my senior chihuahuas who had been sleeping in bed with me for 8 years at that point. I had a literal panic attack at the idea that I would not be able to cuddle a dog in bed for the rest of my life once those two passed. I know how crazy that might sound to some, but it's true. I told him it was a deal breaker for me and we talked about it.
I don't think that anyone who changes their pets sleeping arrangements is a bad pet owner. But I also don't think that it is automatic that humans deserve more deference than pets. The fact is that the couple needs to talk about it and come to an understanding (no matter what it is) and stick to it.
Side note - FI and I have a king size bed with a million dogs in it.
I have been shopping for a CA king sized bed, JUST so I have more room to stretch my legs. My "enormous" 20 lb. terrier sleeps at the end of my side of the bed. Because I'm only 5'0" as opposed to my H's 5'11" frame.
The cat sleeps on our bed also, but doesn't stay there all night and will usually fit herself above my H's head, lol. We've noticed she spends a lot more time with us in bed when it is wintertime and colder. And on our laps for that matter! She'll even deign to let the dog's back half actually TOUCH her back half. Normally that's fodder for a "swatting" incident.
I mean I'm with you, and I love, love, love my pets; but H said pets on the bed were a huge problem for him. I guess I do think humans deserve more deference here.
And I feel bad for my cat; she went from sleeping on the bed to moving into a new place where she wasn't allowed in the bedroom at all. But when H is out of town she's sleeps on the bed and I do extra laundry, she's allowed to snuggle on the couch, and she sleeps on the guest bed. But we compromise as much as possible with this; no pets (either of them) on the bed, but they can be on the couch (which we cover with blankets they snuggle in).
See, this statement doesn't jive with me. H comes before all of my pets, no matter what. I love pets. But, for me, H DOES automatically deserve more deference than my dog. Absolutely.
Ditto. We love kitten, but if she is being an annoying shit we kick her out of the room. She will be just as comfortable on the couch or chair, and she doesn't have to work the next day. We do. Animals are fantastic, but they're not people. IMO there's a huge difference between an SO saying "I should come first and you need to make your indoor cat an outdoor cat because I don't like cats" and "I love Sprinkles, but I'm not sleeping well when he's in the bed. Can we train him to sleep next to us on a doggy bed on the floor?"
Im team no dogs in bed. Kitten takes up enough space and she's really tiny. She also doesn't smell like dogs do. I would be so poor if I bathed dogs often enough to feel comfortable with them being in/on the bed.
With me too.
There's a hierarchy of the species. I didn't enter into my relationship owning any pets so there was no conflict but the people in my home come before any pet.
100% this. Every word.
Look, my dogs have been with me through some serious shit. Zelda bitching at me to get out of bed is one of the only things that got me out of bed some days during my divorce. My one fear in my divorce was that exH would try and take my dogs. They're part of the "Varuna" package. If I was dating someone that didn't like that part of the package, it's a deal breaker.
I'd be willing to compromise to some parts, but this woman is being all sorts of judgey basically about how much better her dogs are than his b/c her's do what she wants and his are cramping her style. It's not like they're biting her. And this isn't her husband, it's her boyfriend. This just stinks of "my way or the highway" and if someone did that to me over my dogs, it's easily the highway. There are more than 4 people to date...there are not other Zeldas and Bennetts.
I'm going to say it up front, I'm not a pet person. We don't have pets and even though we entertained getting a dog last year...we've pretty much ruled out getting animals any time soon for several reasons. Dog sitting for FIL is more than enough for us. I've never slept with a pet in bed with me and honestly, the thought is entirely unappealing to me.
The whole 'pets should get deference' thing is a really weird to me. Like @levioosa said, it's not as if they're being asked to remove the pet from their home or entirely change the pet's living environment (indoor vs. outdoor). It's not cruelty to not want to sleep in bed with a dog that is causing you to be uncomfortable.
The LW is asking for a compromise so that she can get a good night's rest and live in harmony with her BF and their dogs. Last time I checked, dogs don't pay bills (in fact, they are a bill) and they have the opportunity to sleep all damn day if they please, unlike the humans who need to care for them.
So I think if LW and her BF are going to move in together, they need to come to a resolution on the dogs or go their separate ways. If he's not willing to compromise, it's a huge red flag.
The point of my post was not to suggest that anyone who disagrees with me is wrong - it's that both parties need to be up front about what their expectations are with the dogs and if they don't match, they need to decide if it is a deal breaker for them. For many of you, it may not be. For me, it is (was). Which is cool because we can all set our expectations as long as we are honest about them and don't jerk our partner around.
Everyone has something that enters into deal breaker territory. The LW and her SO need to figure out if it's possible to compromise. If neither can then they need to go their separate ways.
I don't think animals should automatically receive preference over people but mine gets preference over Most people. LW's bf is telling her that she is not more important to him than the dog.