Bridal Shower Etiquette

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353

Hey all!

I have a HUGE family! So my fiancée and I are kind of splitting our wedding up.  We are having a small 100 person wedding in March 2018 where I am just inviting my aunts & uncles.  Then plan on having an "I Do BBQ" in the summer of 2018 for my cousins.  Question is: would it be rude of me to invite my cousins to my bridal shower, even though they will not be getting invitations to the formal wedding?  Any and all advice is welcome, especially if you have experienced something similar. Thank you!

charlotte989875

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Hey all!

I have a HUGE family! So my fiancée and I are kind of splitting our wedding up.  We are having a small 100 person wedding in March 2018 where I am just inviting my aunts & uncles.  Then plan on having an "I Do BBQ" in the summer of 2018 for my cousins.  Question is: would it be rude of me to invite my cousins to my bridal shower, even though they will not be getting invitations to the formal wedding?  Any and all advice is welcome, especially if you have experienced something similar. Thank you!

No, don't invite them to a shower if they are not invited to the event itself. Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to pre-wedding parties.

Additionally, you shouldn't be planning your own shower. Whoever is hosting your shower should be issuing the invites, and while they may ask you for a guest list, the names you suggest should be within the number of people they have offered to host.  

banana468

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Hey all!

I have a HUGE family! So my fiancée and I are kind of splitting our wedding up.  We are having a small 100 person wedding in March 2018 where I am just inviting my aunts & uncles.  Then plan on having an "I Do BBQ" in the summer of 2018 for my cousins.  Question is: would it be rude of me to invite my cousins to my bridal shower, even though they will not be getting invitations to the formal wedding?  Any and all advice is welcome, especially if you have experienced something similar. Thank you!

In a word?  Yes.

Once a shower host/hostess (not you) opt to create a shower, the guest list can be created only from those on the list for the March 2018 event. 

People completely understand that weddings can be costly.   They understand that a couple needs to keep their finances in check when entering into marriage and it doesn't make sense to have a giant wedding if that's not what they can afford.

But with that means that the couple has to understand that a shrinking wedding guest list means a shrinking guest list for any other pre-wedding events.     

levioosa

It would be rude.  Only people invited to the wedding itself should be invited to pre-wedding events.  

PrettyGirlLost

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

STARMOON44

Yes it would be rude. If this I Do BBQ is just a party to hang with your cousins fine. But then it's not a wedding and only people invited to the wedding can be invited to the shower. 

southernbelle0915

Etiquette is that only actual wedding guests should receive invitations to pre-wedding parties (showers, engagement, bachelorette, etc.). 

Your cousins should not be invited to the shower because they are not invited to the actual wedding.

ei34

Yes it'd be rude.  Only guests invited to your actual wedding should be invited to pre-wedding parties.

MyNameIsNot

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

CMGragain

It is very rude to invite anyone to a pre-wedding event (shower) who is not also invited to the wedding.

After your wedding, you may have as many parties as you wish.  They are not a part of your wedding.  Your barbecue will be a barbecue - nothing else.  It is NOT a wedding party.

charlotte989875

MyNameIsNot said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

I think this is a little harsh. I know there's a variety of opinions on celebration of marriage parties/meet the newlyweds parties but there's nothing wrong etiquette-wise with having a party, right? As long as people are hosted well, who cares? It's a little much to ascribe gift-grabbiness/self-importance to anyone who throws a post-wedding party. I think that pretty unnecessary but that doesn't make them wrong or against etiquette. 

ei34

MyNameIsNot said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

Eh.  I don't think a post-wedding, celebration of marriage party in and of itself is terrible.  As long as the couple aren't walking down an aisle with a bridal party and spotlight dances, and guests are properly hosted, I think it's okay.  What's not okay would be thinking it's a second wedding or treating it like a wedding (ex: inviting the guests to pre-wedding events).  

flantastic

charlotte989875 said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

I think this is a little harsh. I know there's a variety of opinions on celebration of marriage parties/meet the newlyweds parties but there's nothing wrong etiquette-wise with having a party, right? As long as people are hosted well, who cares? It's a little much to ascribe gift-grabbiness/self-importance to anyone who throws a post-wedding party. I think that pretty unnecessary but that doesn't make them wrong or against etiquette. 

I think the title and the OP's context puts it into the realm of throwing a party in honor of yourselves, which is against etiquette. If a parent offered and was going to host it, or if it were just a normal BBQ the couple was throwing with the people they couldn't invite to the wedding, then I'm in the realm of unnecessary but fine.

CMGragain

MyNameIsNot said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

It is a barbecue.  Gifts are not expected at barbecues.  If the OP wants to throw a barbecue party without trying to make it a part of her wedding, there is no problem.

MobKaz

CMGragain said:

MyNameIsNot said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

What's an "I Do BBQ"?

It's a consolation prize party for people who weren't good enough to make the cut. It's for couple who want to try to get more gifts or who think that they are so important that people are falling all over themselves to attend some kind of wedding event. 

It is a barbecue.  Gifts are not expected at barbecues.  If the OP wants to throw a barbecue party without trying to make it a part of her wedding, there is no problem.

!00% agree.  However, OP specifically says she is "splitting up her wedding" and referring to "phase two" as the "I Do BBQ".  This totally sounds like a gift grabbing expedition.  OP references her "formal wedding", which causes me to infer that this "I Do BBQ" is being perceived as her informal wedding.

levioosa

OP, having a "Celebration of Marriage" or "Newlyweds BBQ" is perfectly fine.  However, "splitting up the wedding" and making it into a "phase two" is not okay. Your wedding is not that important (in the grand scheme of life). People's lives will continue on if they miss it or are not invited. If you want to throw a get together after that wedding, that's okay, but it shouldn't be a "phase two/wedding split up" of any kind.  Your BBQ can have pictures from the wedding, a BBQ, and socializing with music, but it should not have any vows, first dances, cutting of the cake, etc.  You do not ask for gifts or reference gifts in any way, shape, or form.  

MairePoppy

IMO, it's fine to invite the cousins to celebrate your marriage at a later date, as long as everyone knows that you are married and the guests are properly hosted. The invitees are free to accept or decline the invitation. 

And damn, what's wrong with cake? Even a fancy multi-tiered cake, at any party. We 'cut the cake' at birthday parties - the guest of honor blows out the candles, cuts the first few pieces and helps serve the guests. Is that only a thing with my family? 

Your cousins shouldn't be invited to your shower if they aren't invited to your actual wedding ceremony. 

LadyCatherineDB

MairePoppy said:

IMO, it's fine to invite the cousins to celebrate your marriage at a later date, as long as everyone knows that you are married and the guests are properly hosted. The invitees are free to accept or decline the invitation. 

And damn, what's wrong with cake? Even a fancy multi-tiered cake, at any party. We 'cut the cake' at birthday parties - the guest of honor blows out the candles, cuts the first few pieces and helps serve the guests. Is that only a thing with my family? 

Your cousins shouldn't be invited to your shower if they aren't invited to your actual wedding ceremony. 

To quote one of the film versions of Persuasion:
"Mama doesn't care about the etiquette; it's the cake she cares about." 

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

southernbelle0915

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

1) Most people pay for their weddings themselves. Despite the wedding industry telling you that parents/others should pay for your party...

2) I don't really understand the bolded. Either you're going to pay for them at the wedding or your going to pay for them to eat BBQ. And I'm guessing the "I Do BBQ" will include many of the same people who came to the wedding (the aunts and uncles/parents of the cousins). So you'll be paying to host those people TWICE. How does the "I Do BBQ" make things cheaper?

Heffalump

scribe95 said:

I honestly don't know who would be excited to go to a wedding part II months after you are married. Then again I find the whole after-celebration party odd. Have one wedding/reception. Invite who you can. Enjoy it. Move on with your life. 

By calling it an I DO BBQ many people will feel obligated to bring a gift. Also, so is it just cousins or do the original people who were invited to the actual wedding get to come too?

That was my main concern.  I agree with PP 100%: you can have a backyard barbecue anytime, for any reason, with anyone you like.  But positioning it as a cheaper alternative to inviting these people to the wedding is problematic.

OP, many people (myself included) pay for everything themselves.  That is not unusual.  Almost everyone has to impose some kind of limit on their guest list.  That's totally fine, and expected.  Everyone gets it.  Invite who you can afford to the wedding.  And if you choose to have a barbecue at a later date, so much the better.  But PP are right, it can't be treated as a consolation prize for those you couldn't afford to invite to the wedding, and/or a sequel to your wedding.  It is a standalone, unrelated, and (it sounds like) fun and enjoyable event in its own right.

banana468

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

Honestly, the people I know in close families celebrate with them AT the wedding.

My husband has 21 first cousins on one side of the family (from a family of 12 children and a family of 9 children) and two other cousins on his other side.  Many are now married and have kids of their own.   

Because of how close we all are, the guests dictate the type of wedding and we don't let the type of wedding we want limit the guest list.

As a result, there are plenty of weddings that take place int he backyard, under a tent, and aunts and cousins can help along with some easy catering.   A friend tends bar and the event works.

If an after I-do event is common in your family then go for it.   But if you are creating this and it deviates from a family norm, I think you can also expect that it's just not going to feel the same for your extended cousins and may not go over as well / attendance may be limited. 

flantastic

banana468 said:

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

Honestly, the people I know in close families celebrate with them AT the wedding.

My husband has 21 first cousins on one side of the family (from a family of 12 children and a family of 9 children) and two other cousins on his other side.  Many are now married and have kids of their own.   

Because of how close we all are, the guests dictate the type of wedding and we don't let the type of wedding we want limit the guest list.

As a result, there are plenty of weddings that take place int he backyard, under a tent, and aunts and cousins can help along with some easy catering.   A friend tends bar and the event works.

If an after I-do event is common in your family then go for it.   But if you are creating this and it deviates from a family norm, I think you can also expect that it's just not going to feel the same for your extended cousins and may not go over as well / attendance may be limited. 

Yes. My family is very close, and their solution was to make their wedding reception the lower cost-per-person event - i.e., if they couldn't afford to invite everyone to a fancier wedding, they just invited everyone to a BBQ reception after their wedding ceremony. That's how you include everyone.

I agree with Scribe and Heffa that the title means that people will feel like they need to bring gifts, and they shouldn't have to feel that way, because they're not actually being included in your wedding.

lovesclimbing

flantastic said:

banana468 said:

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

Honestly, the people I know in close families celebrate with them AT the wedding.

My husband has 21 first cousins on one side of the family (from a family of 12 children and a family of 9 children) and two other cousins on his other side.  Many are now married and have kids of their own.   

Because of how close we all are, the guests dictate the type of wedding and we don't let the type of wedding we want limit the guest list.

As a result, there are plenty of weddings that take place int he backyard, under a tent, and aunts and cousins can help along with some easy catering.   A friend tends bar and the event works.

If an after I-do event is common in your family then go for it.   But if you are creating this and it deviates from a family norm, I think you can also expect that it's just not going to feel the same for your extended cousins and may not go over as well / attendance may be limited. 

Yes. My family is very close, and their solution was to make their wedding reception the lower cost-per-person event - i.e., if they couldn't afford to invite everyone to a fancier wedding, they just invited everyone to a BBQ reception after their wedding ceremony. That's how you include everyone.

I agree with Scribe and Heffa that the title means that people will feel like they need to bring gifts, and they shouldn't have to feel that way, because they're not actually being included in your wedding.

I ditto banana and flan's posts. I also have a large family. Having the people I want there is more important than having a fancier wedding. So we had a cake and punch afternoon wedding. In my family, the solution would be not to have what may quite likely feel like a "consolation prize" barbecue, but instead have the wedding ceremony right before the barbecue and have the barbecue be the reception. 

geebee908

Are you the first to be married among your cousins? If not, how did other cousins handle the numbers? If so, then you're setting something of a precedent for how family wedding guest lists will be handled.

I don't think a consolation prize party (if you use the term "I Do BBQ" that is what it comes off as) will actually help the situation if your cousins expect to be invited to your wedding because that's how your family celebrates weddings. If they don't expect an invitation because other family members have had to limit their guest list, then just limit your guest list and have a family party later that isn't tied to your wedding at all if you want to get together with your family.

ETA: If the cousins will be offended not to receive a shower invitation if their mothers are invited, then they're probably going to be offended not to be invited to the actual wedding and a BBQ party as a substitute isn't going to cut the mustard with them.

LondonLisa

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

So you can't celebrate your wedding with people that you don't invite to the wedding.

I'm all for casual BBQ with the tone of 'come meet my husband' but the I agree that the 'I Do BBQ' is very close to the line of a second wedding reception. There should be no gifts or anything wedding related. The theme of this party is BBQ, not wedding.

Honestly OP, just to the bolded, if you WANTED to celebrate with all of your cousins etc, you would make the BBQ your actual wedding. But you don't want that type of wedding. That is OK, but you are CHOOSING this. You need to own it. You are CHOOSING not to celebrate your wedding with them. No one is doing or did this to you, except yourself. 

aurianna

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

OP,

For the most part no one has been rude. Rather, they are letting you know how other people think and let you know that depending on how you handle this, it could come off looking bad. They're telling you things to help you.

I agree with others. Don't call this phase 2. Don't call it an "I Do BBQ". While you can be very well-meaning and want to this to be an occasion to celebrate with extended family, to many not invited to the actual wedding this can come across as a sad consolation prize. And if it's played up too much like part of the wedding, it could come across to the people who were invited to the wedding, as attention whoring and trying to have two days all about your wedding instead of one.
I'm sure your intentions are not negative. But we're just giving you ideas of how things could be perceived.

Now... that said, depending on what deposits you've already made, you CAN have a wedding with your whole family without spending an arm and a leg.
Instead of the small fancier wedding and then a BBQ party later, you can simply have a BBQ wedding and invite everyone. Easy.

When you throw a wedding you have to prioritize and make choices. It's part of being an adult.
You establish budget.
You establish guestlist
You establish your "wedding vision."

If all three of these things can be reconciled, that is fabulous.
If they can't, you have to make tough choices.

I know personally, if it were my cousin getting married, I would much rather be invited to a casual wedding and then go to her shower and bach parties, than to not be invited to her wedding at all.
But I'd prefer to not be invited at all than to get an invite to a wedding "phase 2" if that phase 2 acted like it was truly part of the wedding that I wasn't good enough to make the first cut of 100 people. The BBQ invite needs to feel much more casual and disconnected and NOT an "informal wedding."


So that's the other thing that no one else has commented on.
100 people is not a small wedding. I'm actually kind of interested who is on that 100 person guest list when you aren't inviting cousins but that's not important.

So I don't normally think an after-wedding celebration party is a bad thing. But so often they follow very small destination weddings and/or private weddings/elopements. But one after a 100 person wedding? It seems so superfluous.

For a while I considered doing the same. Hubby has a huge family but they live far away. We didn't invite children and knew a lot of people likely wouldn't be able to make the trip so we invited everyone (sans children) to the wedding but figured we'd have BBQ in his hometown later with everyone (including children). And then we decided it was unnecessary and scrapped it. It was going to cost us a lot of additional money and it wasn't like it would makeup for their having missed the wedding.

A big BBQ after a 100 person wedding just seems... I don't know.
I suggest again to OP to just have a single event. Either a BBQ wedding with everyone... or just have the fancier wedding of your dreams with the smaller guest list and just own it.

short+sassy

I just wanted to reiterate what some of the PPs have said.  If you all WANT to have a family get together/meet the new spouse BBQ, that's great.  But it truly isn't necessary.  It's okay to not invite your all's cousins to your wedding.  Especially since it sounds like it's an all or none situation anyway.  You're inviting in circles.  And the "cousin circle" is not being invited.  That's fine.  I don't know your family.  Maybe some of the cousins will have their nose bent out shape, but they shouldn't and most/all won't.

I was one of the last of my cousins to get married.  Some of them invited me to their weddings, some of them didn't.  I invited most of them to my wedding, but not all.  And none of those decisions had to do with if I was/wasn't invited to theirs.  It was NBD to me if I didn't get an invite and I'm assuming the same was true for them.

MandyMost

Let's look at some numbers:

13 + 9 aunts/uncles x2 (spouses) = 44 people
2 Parents + 4 Grandparents + 2(guessing here) siblings (x2 dates) = 10 people
The bridal couple = 2 people

That's a total of 56 people. So I assume you're also inviting 44 friends to get to that 100-person guest list. 

Averaging 2.5 cousins per aunt/uncle (you said at least 2), x2 dates = 110 additional people (55 cousins, plus 55 dates). 

Just family you're looking at 166 people, plus the 44 friends = 200 people.

If you have money for a nice wedding and reception for 100 people and a BBQ for 200 people, then you definitely have the money for a single event for 200 people. 

thisismynickname2

If you substitute "I Do BBQ" for "family reunion," and stop saying you're "splitting your wedding," I wouldn't have a problem with the plans. Agree with everyone else that calling it an "I Do BBQ" sounds like a consolation prize and just more AW-ing after a wedding. 

My sister and BIL had a small (20-ish people) wedding and her in-laws hosted a family reunion backyard BBQ the following year. My overseas family also held a family reunion (hosting costs split among a lot of the family) the following year. It was a nice way for the extended family to meet a new family member but in no way was wedding related. 

This is not meant to sound rude or harsh, but just factual- no one cares about your wedding as much as you do. I'm sure cousins not invited to your wedding won't bat an eye or at least will get over it. 

CMGragain

Knottie0b87b1d1bbe88353 said:

Thank you all for your helpful information and some for your not so helpful and frankly RUDE comments.  My dad is one of 13 and my mom is one of 9 with all of my aunts and uncles having at least 2 kids.  The purpose of the "I Do BBQ" is to celebrate with my family (which if you have a close family you will know that they WILL care to celebrate with you) without having to pay an arm and a leg to do so, seeing as my fiancée and I are paying for everything ourselves.  The question was not to see how many gifts I can get but trying not to offend my girl cousins when I invite their mothers to the shower and not them.  But thank you to those who legit answered my question without imparting your own judgements to a stranger with a question. Geeze.

Everyone makes choices when they plan a budget wedding.  You have decided to cut your guest list.  That is your choice, so own it.

My daughter chose to cut other things in her wedding so that she could invite everyone she wanted to come to her wedding.  No open bar, lunch reception instead of dinner, budget invitations from Vistaprint, very simple DIY centerpieces, no limo.

As others have said, you can have your BBQ anytime, just don't try to make it a part of your wedding.  I think the name "I Do BBQ" is cheesy, anyway.  JMHO.