Earn cash as you plan. Get a $20 gift card for every 200 points. Learn more
Budget Weddings Forum
Knottie507491e1b0690281
member
Fiance upset my parents are having a party for us
Fiance and I talked about our wedding day and he gave me 2 options (we are both 35, this is his 2nd marriage). Do you want a wedding or a honeymoon in Italy? I picked Italy because he knows how much I love travel and he and I both have never been to Italy. So we planned to have church wedding and after leave straight to airport. I have a HUGE family and they all live less than an hour from us. They found out our plans and said that was great! They would be at church...he said "whoa nobody is invited, we are not having a reception. It's just immediate family only. Our parents and siblings". We are getting married in the Catholic church and so we can't shut the doors to family that wants to see us marry, knowing there is no reception after. So he said, fine that's ok. As long as they know that. Well after my parents found out that our flight was at 9pm. They invited us to a "toast celebration" after 10:30am ceremony. They will be providing finger foods and want for us to be present to have a toast in our honor and wish us well on our trip. Everyone that attends church will be invited to this. They estimate about 100 people. My fiance was livid..he said that my parents were wrong to do that..and people will look at him that day and say he could not afford to do this for me. He has a ego problem and I hate it. He said he was "prideful that he was paying for all this, cash and we would be in no dept and how does my family not understand that?" I told them, they love me. I talk to my family on a daily basis..my cousins, we are all close and he knows that. He told me his first marriage he had zero to do with that, his ex wifes parents paid for it all, he just showed up that day. He took pride in that fact he was making me happy my doing what I wanted and paying for it. I told him, I'm HAPPY, EXCITED my parents are doing this small thing for us. His mom knows about it too and my mom is involving her and they are so happy. I guess it's him being a man. My friend told me that she can understand him. He had the day planned and now my parents are taking some of his credit. Which I am so beyond happy, grateful for all his hard work in making my dreams a reality. Catholic mass and my trip to Italy. I'm blessed!! I also understand my parents are so happy for us and want to do this toast celebration. His mom explains to him how pride my parents are and want to do this, he can't take that away from them. I am trying to figure out the right words, the right way to talk to my fiance and explain to him that my parents love not only me but him as well. He needs to get over it. He wants me to tell my parents to stop their plans but I can't. So he told me that I should have nothing to do with that planning, it's their party and we just show up after and not expect much. He will be thankful but he will be shocked and let everyone know that was not in our plans to have a party. He doesn't want people to think that he could not afford it. He gave me the option and I said trip..anything extra my parents did was a surprise. Not us planning it. If you read this all..thanks for letting me vent. I'm sure it will all work out, he will understand at some point.
Re: Fiance upset my parents are having a party for us
Ok there's A LOT going on here. This is kind of a mess.
If your parents want to plan a party in your honor, you BOTH need to agree to it. Not just you. It's his wedding too. You're marrying someone and his opinion matters. Even if his reasons are stupid (objectively, I agree with you there).
If you invite ANYONE (even parents and siblings) to the church, they need to be hosted afterwards. If it's a meal time, you provide a meal. If it's not a meal time, finger foods are fine. So if your husband wants these people to witness the ceremony, he needs to understand they should be hosted afterwards. Whether y'all host them or your folks host them, they need to be hosted. Period.
DECLINE THE PARTY FROM YOUR PARENTS. Your FI does not want it. You basically went behind his back and approved it. Not acceptable on your part and now you need right the wrong. Sorry if it's far into planning - you helped make the mess and you need to clean it up.
What I would suggest as a compromise is that you two invite your parents and your siblings ONLY and have a SMALL get together afterwards. Like only y'all, your parents and your siblings. You can't lock the church doors but you CAN decline to give details about the wedding and ask people to respect your wishes. For heaven's sake, they should at least respect you and your FI if y'all want a small wedding. How rude to just show up and crash it!
After your SMALL wedding, you can go back to your house for finger foods and cake. You're probably talking about 15ish people. With party trays and cake from Costco, you could do this for $150. I'm sure you can find $150 in your travel budget in order to properly host your event.
If I were in your situation, I'd decline this toast party. Have a small, private ceremony, and then do a lunch with just those people. That's it.
Break up. You shouldn't be getting married.
You seem to want a party/reception/larger wedding in addition to the honeymoon. Is this true? Because you absolutely should not do it just for your parents.
Your FI wants to be self-sufficient and feel good about being able to pay for everything himself.
These two things are not compatible, so either he has to suck up his pride and let your parents host, or you have to give up the reception aspect. However, YOU GUYS DIDN'T TALK ABOUT THIS. So he didn't allow for door #3 where someone else offers to give you what you want, and you agreed to a party without him. Neither of you has really offered any room for compromise, or made a true joint decision. Right now, I'm more on your FI's side because you agreed to his original proposal, but all of this might have been avoided if you discussed what sort of a wedding you actually want and were open to some ways of achieving that.
You two two need to have a real conversation about what you both want for your wedding and both of your voices need to be treated and respected, equally.
Yeah, definitely two wrongs here. The "told" was a big red flag for me, too. Not "What would you like" or "here are my preferences" but X, Y, or GTFO. That's not healthy.
But then...you knew he didn't want a party, so you went along with a party? Also not cool.
I don't know that you need to break up, exactly, but I would definitely work on communication skills and learning to compromise. And if that doesn't work, then yeah, I don't see how you two can have a healthy relationship.
Also, @southernbelle0915 is 100% correct: anyone invited to the ceremony needs some sort of hospitality afterward. It doesn't have to be a hotel ballroom with a band and a seven course meal. But they need to be thanked and offered some type of refreshments appropriate to the time of day: lunch at midday, dinner in the evening, finger foods and something to drink outside of typical mealtimes.
Also, it sounds like you both need to learn about and develop the ability to compromise. He should not be allowed to unilaterally decide that there should be no hospitality offered to anyone who attends the wedding and you should not be allowed to unilaterally decide that there should.
And as a matter of etiquette, if anyone besides the two of you and your officiant attend the ceremony, you need to offer some hospitality--even if it's just immediate family members. And anyone in a relationship must be invited with their relationship partner.
The bride was in exactly your situation! (Debbie Reynolds in one of her early roles.)
You both sound 14.
The fingers in the ears "it'll all work out but I won't actually do anything" response sounds exactly like a 14 year old. Plus their plans were rude in the first place, but she seems a-ok with that.
I'm glad I'm not the only one bothered by that. It's one thing to have pride in your family, but OP literally hates that about him. His line of thinking makes me wonder, if she's going to be "allowed" to work, go out with friends, etc and is she going to have to ask permission. Him being a man has jack all to do with his behavior. If he really needs people to know how well off he is, he can always publish his bank statements for guests viewing.
1) You have to take advantage of every ounce of premarital counseling the church is going to offer and require of you. Getting married in the church is not for the weak of mind. But more than that, your vent contains a lot of deal breaker warning signs because are you not going to show up to a family Baptism because (insert ridiculous excuse here)? And more than that, your family is incredibly close, it doesn't sound like his is if he wanted to skip inviting guests that's going to create a challenge down the road, things like this need to be discussed ahead of time not "we'll work this out later with good communication" - needs to be replaced with "Is NOW a good time to discuss...".
2) Submissive wife does not equal doormat - learn this now before you put on a Welcome Shirt! Your reply translates as a flag of its own you want to go into the Welcome mat business.
3) Yes, a few deli trays, some premade subway party subs, a wedding cake from the big box store, and some punch for toasting will be less than $400 and you can do that in the parish hall. If you cannot and your parents are offering to host because a 10:30 service puts you into early lunchtime, discuss it and come to an agreement.
4) Your FI has unresolved issues from his first wedding/marriage and needs to resolve those issues before entering into a marriage with you. He's comparing you to his ex-wife instead of you being YOU. This is a flag because he's "marrying the same woman, different person" if he keeps this line of behavior up. OTOH, it is his wedding too and his thoughts and opinions need to be honored as well. His Mom trying to reason with him and him resisting the idea outright because of arrogance isn't going to work in his favor.
All that said "I get it" when it comes to not wanting to accept the generosity of the future in-laws. Let me just say the hindsight of 10+ years of marriage, I should have STFU and said "And what color would you like those chair covers? when can the decorator arrive? etc." but I was afraid of a perception (or mis-perception as I learned years later).. Accepting generosity from future in-laws does not make you "any less of a person" or "hitting your pride". He is correct to the extent of letting your parents dictate some of the decision making because it is their money, however you need to compromise as to what strings you're willing to accept together. And you are correct in that the doors cannot be shut to anyone wanting to attend the wedding ceremony in the Catholic Church itself. Have a wonderful time in Italy!
This is terrifying.
You don't want the same things. It won't just work out. You have to communicate and compromise like adults, not run around and do things behind each others' backs or roll over completely. Neither of you seem to be emotionally prepared to be in a marriage right now.
If two people can't figure out how to communicate and reach a compromise about what they want in a wedding, they have no hope for a successful marriage. I urge you to work on this piece before you even think about marrying this guy.
Having said that, if y'all came to an agreement to not have a party, your parents should respect that. If they are adamant about celebrating, maybe suggest a party after you return from Italy? Just family, a barbecue or something informal.
Do you two not talk about real plans? I cannot imagine entering into a lifetime commitment where my husband and I don't discuss finances as choices we make together.
You also seem to literally want to have your cake and eat it too. I'm reading this as "I want to travel so we chose that but now that my parents want a party even though my FI doesn't want it I want it too."
Don't make decisions for you two as a couple without discussing with him first. And don't enter into a lifetime commitment with someone who won't listen to you.
Was it more a situation on 'we can afford both a wedding and honeymoon' so you had to choose between? or did he dictate that that was the choice?
If he dictated it then I think that you need to look at what kind of relationship that it and if its what you want.
To be fair to him (because the dictating part makes me dislike him a lot) you didn't discuss the reception with him either. Perhaps he's feeling this way because it was all done a bit behind his back. I can understand why he thinks that people might think he couldn't pay for things if this was done a bit behind his back.
Being 35 doesn't mean that you can't have a bigger wedding. I'm in my 30's and I'm being a total princess. Also, own parents are gifting us our wedding and we discussed what that meant and how we felt about it.
I think you need to go to him and have an open discussion about what you want and why he doesn't want the reception. both of you need to be willing to give in on some things. If you can't do that then there are much bigger issues to deal with and maybe a wedding isn't the best idea.
Look we can only go on the information that we have here. I'm a believer that only the two people in a relationship can really understand it (and even then) so its only you who can really know the answer and work this out.
I do agree that having 100 people come for your ceremony, then nothing after would seem odd. The reception is like thanking your guests for coming to the ceremony.
You both need to agree on what "family only" means and how many people will be allowed to the ceremony - and stick to it. If you both are going off doing your own things, of course it's going to lead to fights. You assume "family" means any family you are close to including cousins, aunts, etc. He assumes "family" means only parents and siblings. This should have been discussed between you two so that you both are on the same page - especially since you have a huge family living within an hour of you and you are close to them all. Didn't you write up a guest list together before inviting people? Also, I'm sure he is upset that he only invited his parents and siblings, but you invited 100 people from your family... so virtually all of the guests will be your family, not his. That's not fair. Will your mom be fine paying for 100 more guests if he decides to even it out and invite more of his family and friends? Or is she only okay with paying for YOUR family?
I am assuming when he asked you if you prefer a wedding or honeymoon he meant that you have enough money for either a small ceremony and lavish honeymoon OR a large wedding and no honeymoon. You chose the honeymoon. So he may feel you are now changing that... now you want a big wedding AND reception AND the honeymoon. If you can't imagine getting married without 100 of your family members present, then maybe you need to change plans for a big wedding and give up the honeymoon in Italy - which do you want more? You need to talk this out, get on the same page, then stick to the plan. Making changes without consulting him was rude. Saying he needs to just "get over it" is rude and that says his opinions don't matter. Even now when he asked you to tell your mom to stop her plans, you refused. You said your mom INVITED you to the celebration, you can DECLINE her invitation.
My guess is the issue isn't so much that your mom is paying for it (probably as her wedding gift to you), but the real issue for why he is mad is probably because he was excluded from the plans. Go back and re-read your sentence about his first marriage. He was upset that he has nothing to do with the planning. And now, you did the same thing: you and your mom planned a reception and you decided to up the number of guests to 100 people on your own - totally excluding him from the planning or even consulting with him. You both need to sit and talk/plan with your mom. In your post you say "making MY dreams a reality", the Catholic wedding you want, and "MY" trip to Italy (not OUR trip to Italy). But you don't seem to care about his wishes... small ceremony, no reception.
Maybe a compromise would be parents and siblings only at the ceremony, but do a live video for your other family members to watch? I have seen a couple weddings that have a Skype feed for those who can't make it. It can easily be set up with only a laptop with webcam. Then you can just go out for brunch with the parents & siblings in attendance.
Also, who invited your other family members? If you didn't, then it is very wrong for anyone else to invite people to your wedding, especially if only you two are paying for it. When your extended family contacted you saying "that would be great" and they will be at the church - what did you say? Did you tell them no because it is just parents/siblings only so you guys can take an awesome honeymoon?