I am a bridesmaid in my brother's upcoming wedding. I have been handling some of the information materials - website, save the date, guest itineraries etc. The couple chose not to register or have a bridal shower. They would like me to spread the word, and list on their website that they would like money deposited in an account in lieu of gifts. It has been a while since my own wedding, but I am guessing that directly asking for cash is still taboo. I have tried to suggest a honeymoon registry, or making a small physical registry. This is a destination wedding, and I know most of my large family is going to write a check rather than lug a gift. I have told the bride they will get tons of money in check form, but some people are going to want to give them a physical gift, and registering will at least give guests an idea of their tastes. I really do not feel comfortable telling people to give them cash. My parents, who have given a large amount of money already to fund the wedding, have indicated they would be very embarrassed if I am asking people to send direct deposits.
I am not sure what to do. I am close to just flat out saying I find this rude, and I refuse to update their site with that information. I still have no idea what I would tell the guests who ask about gifts. I have somewhat volatile relationship with my brother, so I don't want to be too confrontational.
Re: Requesting cash rather than gifts
Holy. Crap. I would simply tell them, "I have looked up this issue in the etiquette books and it is bad etiquette to ask people for money. Parents say they will be embarrassed if you guys break etiquette and do this, so let's create a small registry or do no registry at all." And put the ball back in their court.
To the bolded, do not do a honeymoon registry. They are just icky and they lie to your guests by pretending the guest is buying something for the honeymoon, when, in actuality, the guest is putting money into a pot that the couple gets at the end of the day (minus the website's fee for its "service").
You are right, most people will give them money in the form of a check and they really need to think about how many side-eyes they are going to get if they do it the way they are suggesting.
PS. Honeymoon registries are just as rude as cash registries!
Destination wedding makes the honeyfund even ickier imo.
Okay but seriously, that's plain rude and weird. Don't register, I don't care about honeymoon registries but they're generally not regarded well. Plus a lot of those online sites are taking cuts and guests don't realize that. Without registering, most will likely send money anyways.
To the first bolded, then tell the B&G no worries, it's likely that they'll get money without having to ask for it (which, you're correct, is still poor etiquette). And you're right, some people still prefer to give physical gifts. In which case, no amount of pleading via website is likely to change their minds. The couple can create a small registry if they choose, in order to address that situation. Or they can skip it, and just gratefully accept whatever physical gifts these guests choose to give. It's really the couple's call. But in no way should they be straight up asking for cash, nor should you do so on their behalf.
To the second, if a guest asks you, there is nothing wrong with saying "I know they're saving for __________." You can't solicit funds on their behalf, but it's totally fine to say "They're not registered anywhere, but I know they're saving for a down payment on a new home" (or whatever).
Honeymoon registries are asking for cash minus the processing fee, so I'm not sure why that seemed like a more appealing alternative. But that's a hard no on that option.
I'd be straightforward that you know it's not appropriate to talk about gifts but you're more than happy to tell guests WHO ASK that the bride and groom are saving for X. You won't actually advertise but you'll answer questions happily.
Do refuse to update their site with direct deposit info. Suggest a small registry or no registry at all, and explain that this is an indicator to guests that the couple does not need boxed gifts. Everyone knows that money is a great alternative (not to mention easy to bring to a DW).
If guests ask you about gifts, let them know the couple is saving up for [a house, a trip, to start a family], which again is an indicator that they'd prefer money to boxed gifts.
PPs have given great advice. No requests for cash. No HM registry. Which I think would be especially weird, considering they are having a DW, which I am assuming is also where they are HMing. @Heffalump and @banana468 nailed it with the wording to give guests who ask the idea that is the couple's preference, without coming out and saying it.
They are really looking to alienate their guests over nothing. Especially for a destination wedding, most/all guests will just naturally give them a check/cash. They seriously need to GET OVER the "we want our guests to deposit our cash gifts into X account". I don't even know what that's about. Checks/cash are already generous and not hard to negotiate.
It's great that your parents are also on board with how rude all of that is. Use them as a united front/example of why this isn't appropriate for their website. And kudos to you for trying to protect your brother and his FI from alienating people with their lack of manners.
I also agree with @Inixon8. They may not have the "raining down money" they are expecting. I personally couldn't see myself ever going to a DW but, if I did, I'd probably only give a card. Because I'd already be spending A LOT, just to go to the event.
As far as spreading the word, when people ask "where are they registered" or "what do they want for gifts"? you can say "they don't have a registry, I think they're saving up for XYZ." That's it. And really, you'll probably have to field that question like twice. Most people will just ask the couple.
Now, I'm pretty judgmental. So much so that I kind of view destination weddings as the couple's way to get beautiful wedding pictures and pass off a lot of the cost of their wedding to their guests. Invitations aren't mandates and it's a free country so couple isn't in the wrong for doing it and I acknowledge I'm probably being unfair here. But this is how I feel and I highly doubt I'm alone.
I would only attend a destination wedding for my closest friends and family, and only if I could get by with spending less than $1000 and taking less than 3 days off work.
If I attended the wedding I would likely give a very small gift. If I didn't attend, I'd likely give a smaller gift than I would for a domestic wedding I ended up not attending (because I'm just kind of a bitch).
So if I got invited to a destination wedding I'm already judging.
But if I logged into the wedding website and saw a paypal link?? I think I'd be reevaluating the friendship.
Don't let them do this if they value their friends and family that are unfairly judgemental but do have other good qualities.
Yes! So much this. I don't want to go as far as to say I side-eye DWs, because a couple can certainly choose to get married wherever they want, but it does often put location above making it easier for friends and family to go.
For me to attend a DW, it would need to be a parent/sib/BFF getting married. That's it. And, even then, I still probably wouldn't go.
Though, to be fair, some of that is true for OOT weddings. If I have to get on a plane and book a hotel room for a person's wedding, they must be my parent/sib/BFF. Because I'm not spending that kind of time and money for anybody else.
Def not alone!
Yes, even though they prefer cash, highly suggest they do a small registry for something like a new set of nice silverware and all the serveware to go along with it or the items they want to use this cash to purchase. Something that for those guests wanting to get them a tangible gift can do so for something they want because there are guests who will give them a random photo frame or something entirely personalized that will go with literally nothing otherwise. I'm the gift-giver that I'll drop $150 on a tangible gift if I know it's something the couple will use, but if they couple wants cash and insists on it, DH wins and it's a $20 bill, js. I won't even go in to the one cousin who proclaimed he "wanted cash gifts and 10% of all gifts would be donated to charity" - he got empty cards from a lot of people! (Gifts from guests are a GIFT, not subpoena).
I'm pretty judgy of international DWs too, unless there are specific circumstances (one that I particularly give a "pass" too is if either the bride or groom is international OR the bride and groom's family are bi-coastal) - but if everyone's centered around a local area, I give that a side eye. i will most likely only attend if it's in a destination i wanted to visit anyway, but given I find Caribbean resorts incredibly boring, I'm likely to pass.
Agreed with previous advice to leave the website alone, and tell anyone that asks where they're registered that "they're saving for X"
Thanks all. The bride was bringing up "Go Fund Me", or suggesting we send out account information to an account in their daughter's name to make the cash request more polite. It pushed me over the edge, and I am so glad I had some of the wording suggestions from pp on how to politely state convey that cash registry is impolite. I have been close to losing my temper and conveying this message in a less than polite way.
This whole wedding has hit all the check list of wedding etiquette no-nos, and has been pretty cash grabby. I have been trying to be too negative about the wedding, but this issue was really bothering me.
I didn't know honeymoon registries were considered the same as a request for cash. I have only been to one wedding that had one, but they had a fair sized regular registry as well. It seemed less tacky to me than a Go Fund Me, or a request for direct deposit.
The wedding is in the Bride and Groom's town, but they live in a resort town across the country from all family members. I think my family will be pretty generous, even though it is a huge expense to get to the wedding. The couple have also invited may of their local wealthy clients who are generally very generous with holiday and other gifts. There have been a few people who are not able to make it, who have already asked about the registry. I just said they didn't register.
Hopefully you can help them come to their senses before they do too much damage.
On the topic of DW's unless it's an area I want to go to anyway, I'm not going.
Aaahhh! To be fair then, this isn't a DW. The couple just lives far away from most of their guests. That's true for a lot of people.
A DW is when a couple chooses to get married at a location that isn't where they live and isn't where most/all of their guests live either. Like, "Our hometown and where all our friends/family live is in the Midwest. But we want a beach wedding, so we're getting married in the Bahamas."
And while it makes my skin crawl when couples and/or their parents turn a wedding into a "networking event"/gift grab, that just makes it all the more important that they are following etiquette to a T.
"Go Fund Me". PFFT!!! B**ch, please! (Directed at both the B and G). A wedding isn't a cancer diagnosis. Pay for own luxury event.
No.
You could also have them set it up with paypal so it donates directly into the checking out, and is more of a traditional honeymoon registry.
My husband and i have been together for 10 years, and we paid for our own destination wedding, and vow renewal (which is coming up.) So having people donate to our honeymoon helped us out a lot.
Why can't you just NOT have a registry and let guests give you cash? Even a small registry clues people in that you don't need much. Honeymoon registries take a portion of your guests' gift, so giving you $50 for an "experience" really costs your guests like $55. No one will say it to your face, but these are losing popularity and seem like a cash-grab.
It's not like having no registry means people will think they don't need to give a gift.
To echo @levioosa, NO. Asking for money is rude. Regardless of whether you are asking for money in the form of a honeyfund, direct deposit into a bank account, a GFM (unless you are a charity or raising money for a life-threatening illness), or through PayPal. It's still the same. You are asking for money which is tacky and gross. Honeymoon registries are not "traditional." Asking for money is not "traditional." And a honeymoon registry is doubly rude because not only are you asking for money, but then you are making people pay money (in the form of a service fee) to then give you money. A honeymoon is not a necessity. If you can't afford to pay for one, don't have one. Your marriage will still be valid. Or save up the money yourself and take a belated honeymoon.
Did you just quote yourself?
Also, no. "Set up a PayPal." Are you kidding? How gross. The only people who have to pay for a wedding and honeymoon are the B&G. Just use the cash you will get from the wedding for the honeymoon. Its not a complicated concept. Setting up a PayPal so people can direct deposit into your checking account is just greedy AF.
For any lurkers out there - DO NOT DO WHAT KNOTTIE# IS SUGGESTING. This is an etiquette forum and her advice will make people side-eye the hell out of you for all the etiquette reasons PPs have suggested.
Knottie# - guess what? You aren't alone in the fact that you have been together with your partner for a long time, have a bunch of crap in your house, and are paying for your own parties. Those facts do NOT excuse poor etiquette. I have everything I need in my house, but I still found a few things to register for (champagne flutes that say Mr. and Mrs., a better George Foreman grill, upgraded salad bowl, etc) and I don't have to be rude and ask my guests to pay for me to take a trip somewhere.
ETA - guess what we did? We adulted and paid for a honeymoon we could afford.
So out of ALL the advice given and even seeing the OP say that her family thinks it's rude, you've decided that we don't know what we're talking about and are upping the ante on the gross factor by giving really, really, really crappy advice?
Tacky AF