Wedding Etiquette Forum

Requesting cash rather than gifts

2

Re: Requesting cash rather than gifts

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    Ro041 said:

    I also love the use of the phrase "donate to our honeymoon" like somehow it's a worthy cause and eligible for a tax write-off.  


    If I'm donating to a honeymoon, it's going to be my own.

    It's like people creating gofundme's for student loans.  Um, I have my own loans to pay for.  Or gofundme's for vacations.  Nope, you're not entitled to a vacation either.  


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    Ro041InLoveInQueensshort+sassycharlotte989875


  • I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 


    Says the woman lying to her family and friends about her upcoming "wedding."

    Sweetheart, you should not be giving etiquette advice until you fix your own issues.
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    OurWildKingdomInLoveInQueenssparklepants41climbingsingle






  • I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 




    Says the woman lying to her family and friends about her upcoming "wedding."

    Sweetheart, you should not be giving etiquette advice until you fix your own issues.


    I know, right? How freaking selfish could you possibly be? I am really hoping this ends up as MUD because it hurts my heart to imagine someone treating their family and friends like ATMs and praise-vending machines.
    southernbelle0915OurWildKingdomsparklepants41cowgirl8238
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers






    I would just list the bank account as a "Honeymoon fund" and just explain instead of signing up for a registry that takes a percentage this was a better way of doing it, and for the traditional gift giver try to explain that the couple may have everything they already need, and if someone feels obligated to get a gift so be it. 




    You could also have them set it up with paypal so it donates directly into the checking out, and is more of a traditional honeymoon registry. 
    My husband and i have been together for 10 years, and we paid for our own destination wedding, and vow renewal (which is coming up.) So having people donate to our honeymoon helped us out a lot. 


    Are you fucking kidding me? Set up a Paypal account? I would not only decline to give you a gift but in all probability wouldn't attend your wedding. 
    OurWildKingdomahoywedding
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer






    Thanks all. The bride was bringing up "Go Fund Me", or suggesting we send out account information to an account in their daughter's name to make the cash request more polite. It pushed me over the edge, and I am so glad I had some of the wording suggestions from pp on how to politely state convey that cash registry is impolite. I have been close to losing my temper and conveying this message in a less than polite way.

    This whole wedding has hit all the check list of wedding etiquette no-nos, and has been pretty cash grabby. I have been trying to be too negative about the wedding, but this issue was really bothering me.

    I didn't know honeymoon registries were considered the same as a request for cash. I have only been to one wedding that had one, but they had a fair sized regular registry as well. It seemed less tacky to me than a Go Fund Me, or a request for direct deposit.

    The wedding is in the Bride and Groom's town, but they live in a resort town across the country from all family members. I think my family will be pretty generous, even though it is a  huge expense to get to the wedding. The couple have also invited may of their local wealthy clients who are generally very generous with holiday and other gifts. There have been a few people who are not able to make it, who have already asked about the registry. I just said they didn't register.





    Aaahhh!  To be fair then, this isn't a DW.  The couple just lives far away from most of their guests.  That's true for a lot of people.

    A DW is when a couple chooses to get married at a location that isn't where they live and isn't where most/all of their guests live either.  Like, "Our hometown and where all our friends/family live is in the Midwest.  But we want a beach wedding, so we're getting married in the Bahamas."

     


    I consider it to be a DW.

    If the Bride and Groom live in Boulder CO, but 90+% of their guestlist does not and is traveling to Boulder for the wedding, that's a DW.

    Same as if the couple and everyone had to travel to Cancun for the wedding.

    If the majority of guests have to travel to your wedding, I consider it a DW, whether you as the couple had to travel or not.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer

    lyndausvi said:



















    Thanks all. The bride was bringing up "Go Fund Me", or suggesting we send out account information to an account in their daughter's name to make the cash request more polite. It pushed me over the edge, and I am so glad I had some of the wording suggestions from pp on how to politely state convey that cash registry is impolite. I have been close to losing my temper and conveying this message in a less than polite way.

    This whole wedding has hit all the check list of wedding etiquette no-nos, and has been pretty cash grabby. I have been trying to be too negative about the wedding, but this issue was really bothering me.

    I didn't know honeymoon registries were considered the same as a request for cash. I have only been to one wedding that had one, but they had a fair sized regular registry as well. It seemed less tacky to me than a Go Fund Me, or a request for direct deposit.

    The wedding is in the Bride and Groom's town, but they live in a resort town across the country from all family members. I think my family will be pretty generous, even though it is a  huge expense to get to the wedding. The couple have also invited may of their local wealthy clients who are generally very generous with holiday and other gifts. There have been a few people who are not able to make it, who have already asked about the registry. I just said they didn't register.









    Aaahhh!  To be fair then, this isn't a DW.  The couple just lives far away from most of their guests.  That's true for a lot of people.

    A DW is when a couple chooses to get married at a location that isn't where they live and isn't where most/all of their guests live either.  Like, "Our hometown and where all our friends/family live is in the Midwest.  But we want a beach wedding, so we're getting married in the Bahamas."

     






    I consider it to be a DW.

    If the Bride and Groom live in Boulder CO, but 90+% of their guestlist does not and is traveling to Boulder for the wedding, that's a DW.

    Same as if the couple and everyone had to travel to Cancun for the wedding.

    If the majority of guests have to travel to your wedding, I consider it a DW, whether you as the couple had to travel or not.




    now see, I just consider it an OOT wedding.



    My own wedding 100% of the people traveled, including us.  I was told it wasn't a DW because it was in NJ.  I guess it wasn't exotic enough - lol.


    So then going to Cancun would also be an OOT wedding.

    OOT/DW- if I have to travel, and so does most of the guestlist, it's all the same.

    Poor NJ, all that shade!  You had a DW!!

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


  • :/  I am so not a better person. I wrote a lengthy "response" below, then realized I have ventured seriously out of the asking advice area. Short story - small meal, no honeymoon after the wedding. If you want to read my bile filled rant, it is below. Hopefully blowing off steam here will help me hold my tongue until this wedding is over.


    I don't know how to quote on this site, but re the hospitality.-

    Yes there is a meal. It is a morning wedding, and a brunch was planned. The Bride is not a great planner, but has a million "friends" who are going to do her "favors" and make everything great. All the menu discussions were verbal, and now the restaurant has sent a final menu that was not at all what was discussed. Right now it is pancakes and salad. Technically a meal, but not really a wedding banquet. They wanted a cash bar, no cake, no dance floor - because those things are not important to them, and they don't want to pay for them. There was a great deal of early discussion about the amount of time and money people are spending to get there, and how there should be a decent celebration. I am a bridesmaid, and my 2 kids are in the wedding, so my costs are a little more - but my family of 4 is paying close to 4k to be in this wedding, plus a week off work for DH and I. I don't want to be shallow, but I would be put out as a guest if I spend that kind of time and money to attend a wedding, but the B&G didn't care what the guests wanted. I don't eat meat or drink alcohol - but my guests do - so I served those things at my wedding. I'm not entirely sure how much wedding will be in this wedding. They are not great with paperwork, and a friend went online to get certified to marry people. They have delegated much of the wedding work, but are flippant about what the ceremony will consist of. Some of these details may have been altered as my Parents keep gifting to make the wedding what they consider to be appropriate. They offered a flat amount towards the wedding, but they have chipped in/ covered things that the B&G refused to. I wouldn't be surprised if my parents did pay for a full bar or a DJ, and are keeping it quiet. 

    As for the honeymoon - they have no specific plans for a honeymoon, but go on a warm weather vacation every year. The bride threw herself a week long bachelorette in the Keys which the bridesmaids were invited to attend/ fund. Since I am already spending half my annual vacation and 8x my annual travel budget, I declined. Then it was revealed my brother and their child would be going and everyone realized (hopefully) that this was not a bachelorette, but a family vacation subsidized by the bridesmaids, and they backed out. I kind of see it as they took their honeymoon before the wedding. I think the idea of the honeymoon registry, or the college fund for their daughter was supposed to make the request for cash seem more socially acceptable. They are not saving for anything in particular that I am aware of.

    PrettyGirlLostSP29Knottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2017
    I still cannot understand why bridal couples think they are entitled to an expensive honeymoon that they cannot afford!
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  • edited May 2017
    Sounds awful! Can't you just tell your brother it is a bad idea to plan this type of wedding?

    Also, side note, not sure why some posters are side-eyeing DW's? They are not against etiquette and guests don't get to dictate venue/location. I wanted one but FI's family is too poor to go so decided to have one near where we live instead.
  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 2017






    Also, side note, not sure why some posters are side-eyeing DW's? They are not against etiquette and guests don't get to dictate venue/location. I wanted one but FI's family is too poor to go so decided to have one near where we live instead.






    There is nothing wrong with having a destination wedding IF your wedding fits the criteria:

    1.  Destinations weddings work well for very small weddings, like immediate family only.  If your family alone has 100 people who expect to be invited, a destination wedding is not a wise choice for you.

    2.  Destination weddings are usually more expensive for people to attend.  The choice you made to accommodate your future in-laws was a wise one. 

    3.  There are some countries where destination weddings cannot easily be done.  France is impossible.  Mexico requires a lot of extra legal work.  It is not acceptable to get married in the states, and then pretend to get married in a foreign country.  This is deceptive.  Lying is never good.  We see many of these posts.  You must have your LEGAL wedding at the destination!

    4.  It is very rude to plan a wedding that takes place where your guests will have to pay an admission fee to attend it.  Exampled:  a cruise ship wedding that takes place at sea.  You must pay for the cruises for your guests.  You cannot expect them to pay for the cruise that they have to take in order to accept your invitation.  Ditto a resort that will only admit registered guests.

    5.  Many couples choose their destination without thinking about the difficulties for their guests.  Remember, your guests comfort and convenience will always be more important than and fantasy or wedding vision you may have.  What if Grandma can't fly?  This can also be a factor in at home weddings, but it seems worse if it is an exotic location.  Your guests may need passports!  Those aren't free.

    6.  Often, we find that brides who choose destination weddings are not content with their choice, but demand an additional large party for their return, complete with wedding dress and bridesmaids.  No.

    I know a lovely couple who had a beautiful destination wedding in Hawaii.  Guests were immediate family only, and they paid for their guests flights.  The last was not strictly necessary, but very nice.  Beautiful, quiet ceremony, and I saw lovely photos.  No one side-eyes this kind of destination wedding.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    short+sassyInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • redoryxredoryx member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary First Answer


    I agree with pretty much everything you said. But the number of people who expect an invite is irrelevant. You should have the wedding you can afford regardless of how many guests expect an invite. Also if lots of your family and friends can afford to fly, there is nothing wrong with a big destination wedding.

    If guests find the trip to expensive/difficult then they just shouldn't come. No one forces you to go to a wedding.  It's only bad if the couple try and guilt trip people to come who are unwilling or unable to attend. It's pretty rude for some of the posters to act like DW's are inherently wrong.


    Agreed. I had a friend who had a destination wedding in Savannah (we live in Ohio as does 95% of her and her now husband's family). I couldn't go but there were probably 150+ people and from those that attended it was well hosted. 
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  • HeffalumpHeffalump member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited May 2017




    So the bride has not communicated with me since I advised her not to do the cash registry. I heard from my mom today that the bride talked to a friend who assured her everyone registers for honeymoons now. The friend is making her a website with a paypay link and a fake list of activities for the honeymoon they are not going on. I'm not going to be forwarding that site to anyone.

    I didn't think it was rude that B&G are having their wedding out of town is it is in their home town, I called it destination as over 50% of the guests are paying thousands for travel and accommodations.





    To the first bolded:

    Image result for jaw drop my little pony

    To the second, FWIW, I agree with you.  Our family is all over the US, so no matter where we had it, well over half the guest list would have had to travel.  So we just had it where we lived.  I don't consider that a DW, just OOT (for most guests).
    short+sassy
  • ahoyweddingahoywedding member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2017




    I agree with pretty much everything you said. But the number of people who expect an invite is irrelevant. You should have the wedding you can afford regardless of how many guests expect an invite. Also if lots of your family and friends can afford to fly, there is nothing wrong with a big destination wedding.

    If guests find the trip to expensive/difficult then they just shouldn't come. No one forces you to go to a wedding.  It's only bad if the couple try and guilt trip people to come who are unwilling or unable to attend. It's pretty rude for some of the posters to act like DW's are inherently wrong.




    I guess the bolded is what I sometimes take issue with. One of my sisters is having a DW in Mexico. Our other sister is in grad school (aka super poor), so it is really unaffordable for her to go. She's going, but it's a struggle for her to pay for it. She feels like she has to go, but it's really putting her out.

    Another friend's brother had a DW several years ago. His wife's family was very well-off, but my friend's wasn't. Their younger sister was in college, so her parents had to pay for themselves and her sister to go. People like grandparents who really wanted to attend were unable to go because of the cost & distance.

    I understand the guests have no say in the location, but I also feel like the couples don't always check with their VIPs before planning. No one is FORCED to go, but there are people who feel like they HAVE to be there. 

    (ETA: fix punctuation)
    ILoveBeachMusicInLoveInQueensPrettyGirlLostKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7

  • MobKaz said:





    Holy shit. Vent away and keep venting!

    ETA: Pancakes and salad? That is so random.




    The pancakes soak up the salad dressing, silly!

    They are asking for cash to subsidize their child's college fund?  Egads!  If they ask for cash for a trip they don't plan on taking, why would I believe any money would go toward the child's education?  Wait!  Is there proof a child exists?

    I'm sorry to joke at your niece's expense, @superfache.  I realize this is your brother.  But holy man.......


    Salad dressing?! If people want salad dressing, they can pay for it by the teaspoon. //sarcasm
    cowgirl8238PrettyGirlLostOurWildKingdomKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7
  • @superfache, Whooooaaaa!  Your follow up post with more details is just making this wedding sound 10x more horrifying, lol.

    I'm having trouble getting over a cash bar.  If alcohol is being served, a brunch wedding should have mimosas/champagne included, at a minimum.  To me brunch=mimosa.  Some type of egg or egg dish is also mandatory for a brunch.  Please, please tell me it is not really JUST pancakes for a brunch item.

    Pancakes and salad.  I almost can't stop giggling over that because it is just such a weird, random pairing.  I'd feel like this is what would be leftover at a diner after 50 tour buses had just swung through.

    Flo:  "Sorry, hun.  We just had a whole herd come through here.  All we have left is pancakes or salad."

    Me:  "Ummm, are there any eggs?  Or bacon? to go with the pancakes?!?"

    Flo: "Nope, sorry hun.  Just pancakes."

    And no cake or any type of dessert is really messed up.  I get it, I'm not a big sweets eater either.  But guests will be expecting dessert.  They don't have to buy some fancy $800 wedding cake.  They can pick up large sheet cakes for really cheap from a grocery store or warehouse club store. 

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    DrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomKnottie737c32aade6d0ff7


  • Pancakes and salad sounds like a combination of imaginary food my niece served at one of her stuffed animal tea parties when she was 4. 


    I am dying at this. So accurate. :D
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  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its


    @superfache, Whooooaaaa!  Your follow up post with more details is just making this wedding sound 10x more horrifying, lol.

    I'm having trouble getting over a cash bar.  If alcohol is being served, a brunch wedding should have mimosas/champagne included, at a minimum.  To me brunch=mimosa.  Some type of egg or egg dish is also mandatory for a brunch.  Please, please tell me it is not really JUST pancakes for a brunch item.

    Pancakes and salad.  I almost can't stop giggling over that because it is just such a weird, random pairing.  I'd feel like this is what would be leftover at a diner after 50 tour buses had just swung through.

    Flo:  "Sorry, hun.  We just had a whole herd come through here.  All we have left is pancakes or salad."

    Me:  "Ummm, are there any eggs?  Or bacon? to go with the pancakes?!?"

    Flo: "Nope, sorry hun.  Just pancakes."

    And no cake or any type of dessert is really messed up.  I get it, I'm not a big sweets eater either.  But guests will be expecting dessert.  They don't have to buy some fancy $800 wedding cake.  They can pick up large sheet cakes for really cheap from a grocery store or warehouse club store. 



    LOL = very strange.

    I can't eat pancakes :disappointed: 

    Well I can, but I have to be careful.  The syrup + the carbs in the pancakes makes my blood sugar levels go crazy.  I crash hard in about 45 minutes.  If I do have pancakes it's at home so I can monitor my blood sugar levels. I need some sort protein to help balance my levels.

    ** I'm not diabetic, I'm hypoglycemic.  Heavily carbed breakfasts/brunches really throw me off. And quite frankly the only time I seem to have an issue.  It might be why I'm not much of a breakfast fan.   I guess it would be salad for me.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
    TrixieJessshort+sassy
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