Second Weddings

Dragging my feet this time around.

Before i say anything else. I just wanted to be clear on one thing. My relationship isnt in question here. I love my fiancé and i wouldnt have said yes unless i meant it.
This will be my second wedding, and his first.
My first marriage lasted five years.
Big wedding and all. We ended it and got a divorce after realizing we had drifted apart and became different people. Nothing bad, no kids, just realized we weren't happy and wanted a civil ending and to go our separate ways. 
There's an old saying that you dont know who your friends are until you are alone. 
I guess i didnt realize i didn't have any at all until we divorced.
Everyone i knew, considered friends, people i was godmother to thier kids, known for years, was in thier weddings..just dropped me. I would get on facebook and see where they were 100% supportive with my ex. Had him over for partys, dinners, etc. i was supposed to be a bridesmaid for one of my high school friends i graduated with. She told me she had one bridesmaid too many, and had to drop me. I was fine with that and understood..i never received an invite, come the wedding day, she posted pics of wedding party with three additional bm's..oh and behold..my ex as a groomsmen. Ok. I get it. I was only around because of him. I got over it and dropped them as well. No need for rubbing it in my face, sharing pics of him with you saying stuff like "now that is what happiness looks like." knowing i can see it because im still friends with you on facebook at that point.
So now as we are planning to say i do my fiance wants a wedding and i dont blame him. I know what it was like planning for my first. Its exciting and he wants to experience that as well. 
He wants his family there to celebrate with us, but honestly..i dont want no one but us there. To elope and maybe do a celebration dinner with his family afterwards. The people that were my world..My mother, both sets of grandparents, my only two aunts, all have passed. 
The only people that will be there for me are my dad and brother. 
My dad makes it a point every time the wedding is even mentioned to make a thirty minute argument about why we have to spend so much money on one day, too far to travel, etc. He isnt paying for it, just opinated. Loves me, just different. 
My brother is only coming as he said it earlier "your my sister, i kinda have to go."
I asked my future SIL to be my maid of honor, her reply was uh, ok, but why me?
And my other bm is a mutual friend who i simply asked and said yes.
Ive never even hung out with her before, but i dont have anyone else to ask and she seemed nice. (Sad, i know)
To put it simply. This wedding would be for my fiance and his family to enjoy. 
I dont have anyone to be supportive on my end aside from my fiancé.
Why pay so much money for a big wedding that i just dont even want?
He knows i dont want one, but its his day too. Im just trying to find a way to give us what we both want, without me having to be reminded on our wedding day that the people i want the most there, just simply cant be there.. Its emotional for me to even think about, and i dont want to end up a wedding dress locked in my hotel room bawling my eyes out all day until i go down the aisle. Im lost guys..help.









Re: Dragging my feet this time around.

  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited May 14
    Here is a good website for second time around brides:  https://www.idotaketwo.com/blog/wedding-etiquette-advice-2/

    Communication is what is most important.  You need to talk to your FI about your concerns.  There is no reason for you to have a big wedding party if you don't want one.  Bridesmaids are optional.  He can have as many groomsmen as he wants.

    When my daughter was married a few years back, only six people came from our side of the family.  The groom's family was huge, with 65 people.  It didn't matter.  It was important to him that his family be there.  Many of the couple's friends came, too.

    Ask your FI what is most important to him about the wedding.  Some guys want to have a big blowout with open bar for their friends.  Others just want their family there for this important day.  Maybe he has a picture in his mind of you wearing a white wedding gown.

    As for you missing your mother and grandparents, there isn't anything that can change this.  I missed my father on my wedding day.  I know that he would have been happy that I found someone who was so right for me.  Perhaps you could carry or wear a memento of your mother.

    Whatever you decide to do, decide together.  As for your Dad's comment, it is none of his business how you decide to celebrate your wedding if he is not paying for it!

    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    SP29InLoveInQueens
  • My fiance wants the whole thing. Dj, favors, wants a caraciture artist,open bar, etc. He is so excited, so ive tried to put myself into the planning with enthusiasm, but im simply falling short on that end. I set a max of guests for 40. I see his family as my own. I simply just think its all too much for such a small amount of guests. I mean 5,000.00 for just food and drinks?? We have the budget for all this, i just dont want to put all this money and time into an extravagant wedding i dont really want, but ill suck it up if it makes him that happy.
  • CMGragainCMGragain
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    member
    edited May 14






    My fiance wants the whole thing. Dj, favors, wants a caraciture artist,open bar, etc. He is so excited, so ive tried to put myself into the planning with enthusiasm, but im simply falling short on that end. I set a max of guests for 40. I see his family as my own. I simply just think its all too much for such a small amount of guests. I mean 5,000.00 for just food and drinks?? We have the budget for all this, i just dont want to put all this money and time into an extravagant wedding i dont really want, but ill suck it up if it makes him that happy.






    There are a lot of people who do just this to make their FI's happy on their wedding day.  The budget doesn't sound unreasonable to me.  Let him have his wedding.  Let him do the planning.  Usually, it is the groom who feels hesitant about the wedding plans.  You are no different.  Relax, and refer plans to him.
    One thing I would insist on - pre-marital counseling.  It is money well spent for any couple.
    httpiimgurcomTCCjW0wjpg
    missJeanLouiseInLoveInQueens
  • SP29SP29
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Communication and compromise is key. Have you told him how you feel? What is making you upset/nervous? If you are trying to throw yourself into planning, maybe he thinks this is what you want too.

    I can understand that this being your second wedding you aren't so jazzed about the big party- you've done that before, but I also don't think it's fair to say, "but I've already done this, so you can't" (not that you are saying that!). However, if something is making you uncomfortable you should definitely stand up and say that. I can also understand your budget concerns.

    Is there a way you can compromise here? I think the smaller guest list is a good idea. I don't think it's a bad thing your FI wants to host his guests (namely his family) well, but perhaps a different venue would change the way you look at it. For example, a nice restaurant instead of a "wedding venue". The bar should be open, but you could limit it to beer and wine only as a compromise on cost. Favours are unnecessary, I think you could get him to budge there without feeling bad about it. The caricature artist is something you'll have to discuss- fine to have one at your reception, but they are in no way part of wedding, so I see your hesitancy with it but it comes down to your discussion of financial matters. What will the artist add to the day? Does it take anything away by not having one? What else could you spend that money on? (not wedding related).

    As for your bridal party, it's a bit late now, as you've already asked, but you do not need a WP.

    I am sorry for the loss your Mom and other family members you are close to. Carrying a memento with you is an excellent idea. A locket to wear or attached to your bouquet, a favourite flower in your bouquet, favourite colour as part of your wedding colours, favourite food as part of your meal, favourite song played during the reception.
  • I just want to tell you that I feel you. I am in a very similar boat, except I am estranged from much of my family, so only a small contingent are invited. My second wedding, his first. I let him take the lead, especially as his parents are paying for the whole thing (I feel like it's such a waste of money). Anyway many of his decisions were not the best, but I foraged ahead and made sure our guests would at least be hosted properly, even if it's not 100% the way I would have done it.  There will be chairs, food, shelter, and an open bar. 

    Our wedding is just over 5 weeks away and honestly I still feel sad that we didn't just elope. I love him. We've been together almost 8 years. At this point I'm just crossing my fingers that the day goes ok. My greatest fear is it will be a disaster. I have abandoned a huge number of DIY plans and details because it's too hard on my anxiety. So my advice is to be as simplistic as you possibly can and outsource anything you can afford to. I hand craft items for a living and I don't advise it for your wedding. Especially if you are feeling the way you are. Only do things you know you will enjoy (like we are having a really neat unconventional guest book that I am making because it's easy and fun) that don't require a huge effort or tons of time. 

    Also so yes to counselling. We've been going since August. It makes all the difference. 

    Im sorry you're struggling. Know you're not alone. You can do this. It will be worth it for your FI in the long run.  Just make sure you meet in the middle (like keeping it small and simple, that will be good for you). 
    STARMOON44geebee908SP29
  • Excellent advice above.

    I was also one who wanted a small wedding but compromised with my DH into having a medium sized event.
    If it were up to me we would have been married 2 years ago, with 16 people and a restaurant reception. But he wanted bigger and to wear a tux so I compromised. Do I still wish we could have spent less money? Yes. But it made me so happy to see him so happy.

    pre-marital counseling was Awesome! Highly recommend it!! DH was so hesitant at first but even he enjoy it. (We did luck out though and immediately found a counselor that was well matched in age, life experience, and personality)
    charlotte989875kwiksilver
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