Wedding Woes

Not Totally Wedding Related, Just Sad

The wedding is like 5 weeks away and my anxiety is in overdrive.  Some of you are familiar with the whole thing, so I'm not going to get into a prolonged re-hash.  I'm just simultaneously scrambling to make sure everything is covered (Do we need an MC?  A seating chart?  Do we really need any of these things?  Sigh) and wishing it was already over.

Some of you know that I suffered a really devastating miscarriage in January.  It was ugly and prologed and nearly everything that could go wrong did, and I ended up with an emergency D&C after losing a considerable amount of blood.

I thought I was doing ok with it, and then my closest female cousin had her baby, her first, and all she does is complain about how much it screams and how tired she is and how it's not fair that all her friends still have lives...

FI's older sister announced she is pregnant at Easter.  It was easy to be thrilled for her because she's my age (mid 30's) and divorced and never thought she would have kids.  Her current beau is a little older than her, and they weren't sure they wanted to take the leap (he has a son from a previous marriage).  Also she had some fertility issues, so it was wonderful news all around.  I could tell she was worried about telling me, because of what happened, and because she's in the wedding party.  I squeeed with her on the phone, because I really am so thrilled.  My heartbones ached, but not for long.

Yesterday FI's twin brother texted him to announce that he and his wife are 9 weeks pregnant with their second.  I tried to be happy for them, but also they are really shitty people who directly f**ked up our lives a couple of times (living with us, moved out without telling us, left us in a lease we couldn't afford, hadn't paid bills, just before Christmas, among others).  It also feels a little attention-seeking because they couldn't possibly wait until after the wedding, when she's out of the "danger zone"... 

I know, I know.  I get ONE day.  Other people get to do their thing.  It's just the salt in a wound.  I realize I am reactionary and of course I extended my congrats.  FI is away at work and I just felt crappy and alone.  I laid awake most of the night and felt like a failure and worried about the wedding and cried about how unfair it all is (such is life, I know).

Unrelated, but are on the waiting list for an elkhound puppy and today I found out the mama dog didn't catch, and so I have to wait until December now for the next litter (well that's when they will be ready to go, assuming the next breedings are successful).

It's a first world problem.  I totally get that.  It was just another disappointment.  The pup is my wedding/birthday gift from FI.  I've waited almost 3 years for us to be ready to get this dog, what's a few more months?  I was just really excited because the pup was going to be ready to come home on my birthday in September.  It's been my light at the end of the tunnel.  The thing I am looking forward to on the other side of the wedding and then moving in August.  It's not *really* about the puppy, it's about having a distraction from all the things that I don't really want to deal with.

My youngest kiddo just turned 13 (I have 2 teenagers from a previous marriage) and I feel like FI waited too long to have a baby of our own.  I don't want to seem ungrateful.  I am so thankful that I have two amazing children, and I feel ridiculous for being so sad/stressed/upset/etc.  It's just been a rough few days I think.  

I'm going to pour some cupcakes and alcohol on it, and move on.  I just really needed to get some of it out.

Re: Not Totally Wedding Related, Just Sad


  • levioosa said:

    I'm so sorry for your loss.  And I would feel the exact same way about the puppy.  Have you thought about attending a miscarriage grief group?  It might help you to process and to be around other people who can understand what you are going through.  You're dealing with a lot of heavy stuff and weddings always exacerbate pre-existing stressful situations.  If you haven't lately, do something that is just for you.  Get a massage, read your favorite book, splurge on a new outfit.  But remember to take a breath and practice self-care.  


    I do go to counselling (FI and I go together and separately a few times a month) so I am calling today to book an appointment to talk about all my feels.

    Thank you for making me feel less crazy about the puppy.  And I definitely haven't done any me things in a while.  I've just felt like I am drowing between all the above stuff and working hard to get a fledgling business off the ground.  I feel guilty taking any time for myself when I have so many things I need to do.  But, you're right.  I'm just going to go mental if I don't do a bit of self-care.  I appreciate the kindness and the comment.
    levioosaSP29
  • OurWildKingdomOurWildKingdom in the 216 member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers First Anniversary
    I can't add anything to what @levioosa said at this point, but I do want to give you a big virtual hug!
    kwiksilver
  • kaos16kaos16 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Love Its 1000 Comments First Answer
    It is a difficult internal struggle to be happy for others while still mourning your loss.  I'm sorry that you are going through such tough times right now.  Sending you thoughts, prayers and happiness!!!!!
    kwiksilvershort+sassy
  • Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3
    kwiksilvercowgirl8238
  • @kwiksilver, I'm sorry for all the things you're going through.  While I think it is a good idea to also count your blessings, it seems like you're beating yourself up over your disappointments because "first world problems", etc.  Don't do that to yourself!  It's okay to feel sad there isn't going to be a litter and a puppy when you all were expecting one.  I know how it is when you're holding on to this one bright glimmer and then things don't work out as expected, on top of everything else.

    It sounds like, on the surface, you have behaved appropriately with congratulations on the new babies and suffering in silence when your cousin complains about her crying new baby.  I'm sure that, while you're happy for your friends and family who are expecting, it can't help but exacerbate your grief over the miscarriage.

    It's okay to have the feelings you do on your BIL and his wife's "early" announcement.  You know it wouldn't be okay to complain about that to them, and you haven't, but vent away to us!

    I get on the "why is life so unfair" train more often than I should, also.  It's emotionally unhealthy and I wish we knew how to get off it.

    It sounds like the wedding is part of what is really stressing you out and depressing you?  Can your FI take some of the load?  Are there details you can simplify or cut out all together?  Or hire out?  Of course, you want to make sure your guests are treated well...and I'm sure they will be...but, other than that, take care of YOU first!  Don't sweat the small stuff.

    <<Hugs!>> 


    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    kwiksilverkimmiinthemittenernursejSP29
  • I'm sorry for what you're going through and that I have nothing more to add than what's been said. Hugs, love, and prayers for you. ❤️
    kwiksilver


  • I'm very sorry about your miscarriage. 

    But why not adopt/rescue a dog? There are so many that need homes. So many in shelters, just waiting for their forever families. Please consider this. 


    I've had 2 rescue dogs, a foster, and an army of rescue cats, so it's not that I don't believe in that. FI doesn't want any more shelter pets, which sounds cruel but to be honest I can't blame him.  I volunteered at a rescue for 2 years and I get it. A puppy is a huge amount of work itself, but getting a purebred from a really good breeder does guarantee plenty of traits that we are looking for.  Its not a decision I came to lightly and the breeder we picked has an excellent track record and his facilities for the dogs are nicer than some places I've lived.  I still donate to shelters and believe in and encourage adoption. But if it's this dog or no dog (which is what it basically boils down to) I would rather have a dog in my life than none at all. 
    jh715



  • Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3



    Yeah I think we need someone to release tables for buffet and maybe announce a couple of things. 

    The picking who goes at which table is my struggle. Too many personalities. But whatever. They are adults and I am sure can sit through a meal before everyone does musical chairs during the social portion anyway. 

    Thank you for the kind words as well 


  • @kwiksilver, I'm sorry for all the things you're going through.  While I think it is a good idea to also count your blessings, it seems like you're beating yourself up over your disappointments because "first world problems", etc.  Don't do that to yourself!  It's okay to feel sad there isn't going to be a litter and a puppy when you all were expecting one.  I know how it is when you're holding on to this one bright glimmer and then things don't work out as expected, on top of everything else.

    It sounds like, on the surface, you have behaved appropriately with congratulations on the new babies and suffering in silence when your cousin complains about her crying new baby.  I'm sure that, while you're happy for your friends and family who are expecting, it can't help but exacerbate your grief over the miscarriage.

    It's okay to have the feelings you do on your BIL and his wife's "early" announcement.  You know it wouldn't be okay to complain about that to them, and you haven't, but vent away to us!

    I get on the "why is life so unfair" train more often than I should, also.  It's emotionally unhealthy and I wish we knew how to get off it.

    It sounds like the wedding is part of what is really stressing you out and depressing you?  Can your FI take some of the load?  Are there details you can simplify or cut out all together?  Or hire out?  Of course, you want to make sure your guests are treated well...and I'm sure they will be...but, other than that, take care of YOU first!  Don't sweat the small stuff.

    <<Hugs!>> 




    Thank you so much. Yes I definitely would never say any of this to friends or family. I'm glad to have this place to vent. 

    FI is trying to help some but to be honest he's mostly gone for work and barely remembers most of the plans. When his mom asks him anything he just refers her to me. He asked me what day we were getting married last time he was home.  I really can't trust any details to him, but he's promised to help me this week get a bunch of tasks completed (ordering all the alcohol, that sort of thing). I've cut out everything I feel like I can so that's good.  Mostly I worry about the day itself. I just fear it's going to be terrible weather or things will go poorly. I hate being the center of attention or speaking in front of people, etc. We have a solid rain plan but still. Who wants to attend a mountain wedding in the rain. 

    Anyway I am usually better at not fussing over the future. I think I'm just worn out right now so it all seems like too much. 
    short+sassy







  • Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3





    Yeah I think we need someone to release tables for buffet and maybe announce a couple of things. 

    The picking who goes at which table is my struggle. Too many personalities. But whatever. They are adults and I am sure can sit through a meal before everyone does musical chairs during the social portion anyway. 

    Thank you for the kind words as well 


    I personally did grandparents at one table, M's work fam at another, my work family at another. I didn't mix-and-match since the tables were close.

    You don't need a MC for certain things, but for us it was one of M's buddy's that he's close with but not as long as the other guys. He was our MC but we treated him like groomsman {as in when we got gifts, he got one also, invited to everything, etc etc}
  • kvrunskvruns member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer













    Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3







    Yeah I think we need someone to release tables for buffet and maybe announce a couple of things. 

    The picking who goes at which table is my struggle. Too many personalities. But whatever. They are adults and I am sure can sit through a meal before everyone does musical chairs during the social portion anyway. 

    Thank you for the kind words as well 




    I personally did grandparents at one table, M's work fam at another, my work family at another. I didn't mix-and-match since the tables were close.

    You don't need a MC for certain things, but for us it was one of M's buddy's that he's close with but not as long as the other guys. He was our MC but we treated him like groomsman {as in when we got gifts, he got one also, invited to everything, etc etc}


    We had our DJ serve as MC for releasing tables and general announcements. Never thought to have someone else do it
    kwiksilverMissKittyDangerMesmrEwe













  • Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3







    Yeah I think we need someone to release tables for buffet and maybe announce a couple of things. 

    The picking who goes at which table is my struggle. Too many personalities. But whatever. They are adults and I am sure can sit through a meal before everyone does musical chairs during the social portion anyway. 

    Thank you for the kind words as well 




    I personally did grandparents at one table, M's work fam at another, my work family at another. I didn't mix-and-match since the tables were close.

    You don't need a MC for certain things, but for us it was one of M's buddy's that he's close with but not as long as the other guys. He was our MC but we treated him like groomsman {as in when we got gifts, he got one also, invited to everything, etc etc}


    Mostly it's that we have weird groups. Like a couple random work people (2 from his, who are from different jobs and don't know each other) and 2 from mine. Then we have a whole load of LARP friends, some of whom don't really like each other. Then there is my birth mother, who my mother doesn't like or want there, but I didn't invite her to my first wedding for that reason and regretted it

    FI's family should be ok together, and mine. Not sure where to put birth mother because she won't know anyone there. Maybe with random work friends... 

    I might see see if our DJ, who is a "friendor" (and getting paid) will just make the handful of announcements. She hosts karaoke and is really outgoing so she probably won't mind.  
    MissKittyDanger

  • kvruns said:




















    Easy parts - MC only if you would like. We did just to have someone to announce when were doing speeches, when supper was to be served {since we did buffet} and open the floor to dancing.

    Seating plan - I did and didn't do one. I knew how many people could go to a table, but didn't specifically say what chair their butt when. Just which table. That seemed easier to me.


    As for the rest, I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. I've never been through a miscarriage but I'm sure it's not something that you will never not have feelings about tbh. Grief is a weird thing and people cope in different ways. I'm sure people getting pregnant right now isn't helping :(

    Big hug for you, and you feel whatever you need to feel. Life is stressful without planning and emotion situations to throw around <3









    Yeah I think we need someone to release tables for buffet and maybe announce a couple of things. 

    The picking who goes at which table is my struggle. Too many personalities. But whatever. They are adults and I am sure can sit through a meal before everyone does musical chairs during the social portion anyway. 

    Thank you for the kind words as well 






    I personally did grandparents at one table, M's work fam at another, my work family at another. I didn't mix-and-match since the tables were close.

    You don't need a MC for certain things, but for us it was one of M's buddy's that he's close with but not as long as the other guys. He was our MC but we treated him like groomsman {as in when we got gifts, he got one also, invited to everything, etc etc}




    We had our DJ serve as MC for releasing tables and general announcements. Never thought to have someone else do it


    Some places have someone from the venue. Ours - venue nor DJ - didn't offer it, so we didn't ask.
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    Who is doing your food? The caterer can release tables for a buffet.

    Also, hugs.  Just because that's sometimes the way life goes it doesn't mean you don't get to be sad about it.  I'm glad you already resorted to The Knot Doctor script:  booze and a cupcake.

    Forgive yourself for your feelings of jealousy and sadness and try not to stress about your wedding day.  As long as you're married at the end, it's a huge success and everything else is just icing on the cake!
    image
    kwiksilvercharlotte989875OurWildKingdomSP29


  • Who is doing your food? The caterer can release tables for a buffet.

    Also, hugs.  Just because that's sometimes the way life goes it doesn't mean you don't get to be sad about it.  I'm glad you already resorted to The Knot Doctor script:  booze and a cupcake.

    Forgive yourself for your feelings of jealousy and sadness and try not to stress about your wedding day.  As long as you're married at the end, it's a huge success and everything else is just icing on the cake!


    We are doing our own food but we do have servers hired for the day to handle it all. I could definitely ask one of them. Thank you for the suggestion. 

    Yes you're right about about the day.  So long as we are married, I'm sure the rest will be fine. 
    kimmiinthemittenOurWildKingdom
  • kimmiinthemittenkimmiinthemitten Detroit, MI member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary 5 Answers
    @kwiksilver the caterer I work for assigns a "VIP shadow" to the bride and grooms table for the day.  They help butler beverage, make sure those plates are cleared quickly, and whatever else could be needed.  They are usually also the person who releases the tables for the buffet as they have less to do while the B&G are eating:).
    image
    kwiksilver
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    @kwiksilver  One thought on your cousin - DS was a colicy baby that a long stretch of time for me to sleep his first two years was 90 minutes, and he was in my arms that entire time the first 15mo because he refused to sleep anywhere else, so that 90 minutes was marginal sleep at best.  The first time I got two hours was an OMG moment and has taken me a long time to recover from the physical and psych effects of long-term sleep deprivation.  She's experiencing sleep deprivation.  That doesn't discount your feelings, it's just to understand hers because that can lead to some pretty scary stuff pretty quickly.  I lost a college friend to PPP (she hung herself in her classroom after battling PPD).  Odd as it sounds from what you mentioned, your cousin may be reaching out (i.e. screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear her) and needs support (oddly enough, someone to come over and say "You go get into the shower NOW and run that hot water tank out, then you're going to do your hair and go somewhere for the afternoon/evening ALONE and go get dinner at a nice restaurant!"  or "You go get in the shower, I am making dinner!" 

    ...and what the PP have said..
    Skip the assigned seating... Have your DJ MC...  You briefly announce the order of tables going to the buffet... and avoid stressing over the little details!




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  • CMGragainCMGragain member
    5000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary 25 Answers
    edited May 17
    I had a miscarriage many, many years ago.  The hormone rushes were awful.  In those days, you weren't even supposed to talk about it.  I finally resolved some of my feelings with charity work and concentrating on helping other people, but I wasn't planning a wedding at the time!
    It all came to a head a year later when I was in my OB/GYN's waiting room.  I had just seen the doctor for a checkup.  I looked around at the pregnant women sitting there and started bawling.  I feel stupid and ridiculous.  The nurse rushed out and tried to calm me.

    "CMGr, what is wrong?  Why are you so upset?"
    "I feel so stupid and useless.  I'm still sad about the baby.  I should be over it by now."
    "Well, CMGr, do you want to be pregnant now?"
    "Yes."
    "Well, the doctor says you ARE!  He was going to telephone you."
    "Huh?  What? Really?"

    @kwiksilver, I am so sorry you had to go through this.  I hope your future will be as full of love as mine turned out to be.
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    short+sassySP29

  • MesmrEwe said:

    @kwiksilver  One thought on your cousin - DS was a colicy baby that a long stretch of time for me to sleep his first two years was 90 minutes, and he was in my arms that entire time the first 15mo because he refused to sleep anywhere else, so that 90 minutes was marginal sleep at best.  The first time I got two hours was an OMG moment and has taken me a long time to recover from the physical and psych effects of long-term sleep deprivation.  She's experiencing sleep deprivation.  That doesn't discount your feelings, it's just to understand hers because that can lead to some pretty scary stuff pretty quickly.  I lost a college friend to PPP (she hung herself in her classroom after battling PPD).  Odd as it sounds from what you mentioned, your cousin may be reaching out (i.e. screaming in a crowded room and no one can hear her) and needs support (oddly enough, someone to come over and say "You go get into the shower NOW and run that hot water tank out, then you're going to do your hair and go somewhere for the afternoon/evening ALONE and go get dinner at a nice restaurant!"  or "You go get in the shower, I am making dinner!" 

    ...and what the PP have said..
    Skip the assigned seating... Have your DJ MC...  You briefly announce the order of tables going to the buffet... and avoid stressing over the little details!






    Just so I don't sound too callous, said cousin isn't complaining to me directly. She just posts about it on social media all the time. And she told my mother many of her complaints, so it's all indirect. I would be more sympathetic I guess if she didn't have her husband home with her full time (he took off work until the end of next month) and a housekeeping service, and all of her meals delivered.  Her parents are both retired and lend a lot of time and support, as does her considerable network of friends. So, while I understand PPD (my doctor put me on anti-depressants after my first child) I still think it's a bit uncouth on her part.  

    I am sorry about the loss of your friend.


    And I'm definitely working on not stressing about it all. Being able to talk about it here helps a lot. 


  • CMGragain said:

    I had a miscarriage many, many years ago.  The hormone rushes were awful.  In those days, you weren't even supposed to talk about it.  I finally resolved some of my feelings with charity work and concentrating on helping other people, but I wasn't planning a wedding at the time!
    It all came to a head a year later when I was in my OB/GYN's waiting room.  I had just seen the doctor for a checkup.  I looked around at the pregnant women sitting there and started bawling.  I feel stupid and ridiculous.  The nurse rushed out and tried to calm me.

    "CMGr, what is wrong?  Why are you so upset?"
    "I feel so stupid and useless.  I'm still sad about the baby.  I should be over it by now."
    "Well, CMGr, do you want to be pregnant now?"
    "Yes."
    "Well, the doctor says you ARE!  He was going to telephone you."
    "Huh?  What? Really?"

    @kwiksilver, I am so sorry you had to go through this.  I hope your future will be as full of love as mine turned out to be.


    Thank you very much for your kindness and sharing that little story.  I'm glad it worked out like that for you :) 

  • WinstonsGirlWinstonsGirl The Cold North member
    Ninth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    A little late, but all the hugs to you.  You will get through this
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  • SP29SP29 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited May 21
    {hugs} to you!

    While it's fine to realize "this could be worse", you are entitled to feel ALL of your feelings. I don't think there is any limit to grief- you don't have to get over it by X date. You lost a baby- that was a death in your life. Take all the time you need to grieve.
    OurWildKingdomDrillSergeantCatshort+sassy
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