The wedding is like 5 weeks away and my anxiety is in overdrive. Some of you are familiar with the whole thing, so I'm not going to get into a prolonged re-hash. I'm just simultaneously scrambling to make sure everything is covered (Do we need an MC? A seating chart? Do we really need any of these things? Sigh) and wishing it was already over.
Some of you know that I suffered a really devastating miscarriage in January. It was ugly and prologed and nearly everything that could go wrong did, and I ended up with an emergency D&C after losing a considerable amount of blood.
I thought I was doing ok with it, and then my closest female cousin had her baby, her first, and all she does is complain about how much it screams and how tired she is and how it's not fair that all her friends still have lives...
FI's older sister announced she is pregnant at Easter. It was easy to be thrilled for her because she's my age (mid 30's) and divorced and never thought she would have kids. Her current beau is a little older than her, and they weren't sure they wanted to take the leap (he has a son from a previous marriage). Also she had some fertility issues, so it was wonderful news all around. I could tell she was worried about telling me, because of what happened, and because she's in the wedding party. I squeeed with her on the phone, because I really am so thrilled. My heartbones ached, but not for long.
Yesterday FI's twin brother texted him to announce that he and his wife are 9 weeks pregnant with their second. I tried to be happy for them, but also they are really shitty people who directly f**ked up our lives a couple of times (living with us, moved out without telling us, left us in a lease we couldn't afford, hadn't paid bills, just before Christmas, among others). It also feels a little attention-seeking because they couldn't possibly wait until after the wedding, when she's out of the "danger zone"...
I know, I know. I get ONE day. Other people get to do their thing. It's just the salt in a wound. I realize I am reactionary and of course I extended my congrats. FI is away at work and I just felt crappy and alone. I laid awake most of the night and felt like a failure and worried about the wedding and cried about how unfair it all is (such is life, I know).
Unrelated, but are on the waiting list for an elkhound puppy and today I found out the mama dog didn't catch, and so I have to wait until December now for the next litter (well that's when they will be ready to go, assuming the next breedings are successful).
It's a first world problem. I totally get that. It was just another disappointment. The pup is my wedding/birthday gift from FI. I've waited almost 3 years for us to be ready to get this dog, what's a few more months? I was just really excited because the pup was going to be ready to come home on my birthday in September. It's been my light at the end of the tunnel. The thing I am looking forward to on the other side of the wedding and then moving in August. It's not *really* about the puppy, it's about having a distraction from all the things that I don't really want to deal with.
My youngest kiddo just turned 13 (I have 2 teenagers from a previous marriage) and I feel like FI waited too long to have a baby of our own. I don't want to seem ungrateful. I am so thankful that I have two amazing children, and I feel ridiculous for being so sad/stressed/upset/etc. It's just been a rough few days I think.
I'm going to pour some cupcakes and alcohol on it, and move on. I just really needed to get some of it out.