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Wedding Woes

MYOFB

Dear Prudence,
I have a friend “Allen” who I believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by his significant other. Over the course of their relationship, his (now) wife: 1) has joined herself to Allen’s hip so that he can’t make plans with others that don’t include her (surprisingly, he was able to have a guys-only day for his bachelor party), 2) when they do attend events and parties together, she occupies about 90 percent of his social interactions, 3) she has drastically changed his diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan), 4) has rushed him into their life events (moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and she has even named their future children). On that note, I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but I know that she actually forced him to propose to her, even throwing a fit at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they still weren’t engaged by then.

Since they got married in September, he has stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend, and a few of our other mutual friends, when he was previously very close to us. I feel that this is her doing, and that she’s trying to control who he talks to now. The thing is, Allen avoids any and all confrontation like the plague, so he just lets this all happen and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to him. Some of us have asked him if he’s OK, if he needs help, as he is visibly miserable, but he just ignores us. It’s possible that she even monitors Allen’s phone and computer use. Is there anything else we can do for Allen, or are we forced to watch this train wreck from afar?

—Worried Bystander

Re: MYOFB

  • bleve0821bleve0821 The Shire member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    edited May 2017
    So in my experience, pretty much all of my closest male friends stopped speaking to me and my SO once they got married (not all at once, but over time). In only one case was it because of the wife, who carried a petty grudge against me for God only knows why.  Everyone else just kind of naturally drifted apart because their lives were changing faster than mine.  I don't think that's a red flag, necessarily, and I don't any of them are being controlled or manipulated by their wives.

    It's none of LW's business how Allen and wife interact in public or at home (does she have social anxiety?), or what changes Allen has made since getting married (is being vegan easier than preparing two different meals every night of the week?), or their own personal timeline for moving in, getting married, etc.  

    None of that speaks of manipulation or abuse to me, at least not in the context provided.  Overbearing, maybe. 

    This all sounds highly speculative to me, especially the bit about monitoring calls and emails.  I'd love to know why LW thinks this. 

    Also, not everyone is so secure in his/her relationships that they're comfortable with their partner having super close female/male friends.  And that's not LW's problem or business. 

    Etf words


    "And when they use our atoms to make new lives, they won’t just be able to take one, they’ll have to take two, one of you and one of me..."
    --Philip Pullman

    MissKittyDangerDrillSergeantCatInLoveInQueensOurWildKingdom
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer


    Sounds like a token controlling relationship. Doesn't matter if it's the man controlling a woman, man controlling a man, woman controlling a man or another woman. 

    The only way to really deal with it as a friend is to continue to tell the person that you're there for them and to support them so that they know there's a way out if they decide they want one.


    Especially since one of the things abusers do is isolate their victims.  Not all controlling relationships become that abusive, but it's just something to keep in mind.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    southernbelle0915OurWildKingdomcowgirl8238
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited May 2017
    Not saying that Allan's wife isn't controlling/manipulative/abusive/whatever, but this is only one said of the story, and for all we know LW could be the one that's unhinged. 

    DK had a female friend that could easily have been the LW talking about he and I (she accused me of at least a few of the items). He's no longer friends with her (his choice) because she went bat shit crazy and started harassing me, and him - basically that I was keeping him from being friends with her, and that I was faking a migraine to skip out on us driving 2 hours to see her direct a high school play. (She's a teacher, and I wasn't faking anything. He legit was ready to take me to the emergency room because I had a severe reaction to the migraine meds that i took in order to try to get things to a tolerable level so we could attend the show.) Complaints that he never wanted to hang out with her unless I was there, etc.
    I told him that he could do what he wanted, but as far as I was concerned, I thought she was crazy and wanted nothing to do with the woman. 

  • scribe95 said:

    He's Elizabeth is an adult. HShe is making these decisions and choices. I think it's easier to be mad at the SO than to admit the person you were close to has a free will and has chosen these things. 


    I really do see your point. But what if the gender roles were reversed? I changed things accordingly - above and below. I just wonder if the response would be "well she chose this, so it's her fault." You know? 

    Dear Prudence,
    I have a friend "Elizabeth" who I believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by her significant other. Over the course of their relationship, her (now) husband: 1) has joined himself to Elizabeth’s hip so that she can’t make plans with others that don’t include him (surprisingly, she was able to have a girls-only day for her bachelorette party), 2) when they do attend events and parties together, he occupies about 90 percent of Elizabeth's social interactions, 3) he has drastically changed her diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan), 4) has rushed her into their life events (moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and he has even named their future children). On that note, I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but I know that he actually forced her to say yes to his propsal, even throwing a fit at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they still weren’t engaged by then.

    Since they got married in September, she has stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend, and a few of our other mutual friends, when she was previously very close to us. I feel that this is her husband's doing, and that he’s trying to control who she talks to now. The thing is, Elizabeth avoids any and all confrontation like the plague, so she just lets this all happen and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to her. Some of us have asked her if she’s OK, if she needs help, as she is visibly miserable, but she just ignores us. It’s possible that he even monitors Elizabeth’s phone and computer use. Is there anything else we can do for her, or are we forced to watch this train wreck from afar?

    —Worried Bystander

    *********************************************************************************

    image
    mrsconn23




  • scribe95 said:


    He's Elizabeth is an adult. HShe is making these decisions and choices. I think it's easier to be mad at the SO than to admit the person you were close to has a free will and has chosen these things. 




    I really do see your point. But what if the gender roles were reversed? I changed things accordingly - above and below. I just wonder if the response would be "well she chose this, so it's her fault." You know? 

    Dear Prudence,
    I have a friend "Elizabeth" who I believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by her significant other. Over the course of their relationship, her (now) husband: 1) has joined himself to Elizabeth’s hip so that she can’t make plans with others that don’t include him (surprisingly, she was able to have a girls-only day for her bachelorette party), 2) when they do attend events and parties together, he occupies about 90 percent of Elizabeth's social interactions, 3) he has drastically changed her diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan), 4) has rushed her into their life events (moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and he has even named their future children). On that note, I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but I know that he actually forced her to say yes to his propsal, even throwing a fit at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they still weren’t engaged by then.

    Since they got married in September, she has stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend, and a few of our other mutual friends, when she was previously very close to us. I feel that this is her husband's doing, and that he’s trying to control who she talks to now. The thing is, Elizabeth avoids any and all confrontation like the plague, so she just lets this all happen and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to her. Some of us have asked her if she’s OK, if she needs help, as she is visibly miserable, but she just ignores us. It’s possible that he even monitors Elizabeth’s phone and computer use. Is there anything else we can do for her, or are we forced to watch this train wreck from afar?

    —Worried Bystander



    I am going through something similar right now with a friend.  I've been critical of her H's controlling ways (I told her she didn't have to marry him) and I think her situation is not healthy and definitely abusive (verbal and she's disclosed some physical stuff too), but my friend has dragged her feet on divorcing him...even with a SHIT TON of family and friend support (from some of HIS family too).  

    It feels like she's distanced herself from me in the last month or so.  Probably because, judging from her social media activity and the fact that she's not responded to my calls or texts, she's not going to divorce him after all (even though she's been in the process since January).  And there's no love lost between me and her H either.  We've never had words, but she's told me he knows how I feel about him (because he hacked her shit and found our messages...IDGAF.  Come at me bro.) 

    It hurts. I want to shake her and be all, "I'VE BEEN HERE FOR YOU!"  But she's choosing her choices and there's *nothing* I can do about it.  Yes, some of this is her own damn fault.  I'm not going to stop being there for her, but until/unless she leaves her H, I'm not sure there's much more I can do OR invest right now.

    Maybe I should have minded my own, but eh...this is (was?) one of my closest friends and she disclosed shit to me.  We'll see what happens. 

    I say all that to say that I'd feel the same if it were a man or a woman.  LW needs to keep her feelings to herself UNLESS her friend confides in her and then I'd advise her to tread carefully because you don't know what course someone will take with their relationship. 
    short+sassy
  • regardless of gender of the people in the relationship, unless Allan/Elizabeth specifically approached the LW to say "I feel like my s/o is {doing something bad} and i'm feeling {mad/sad/bad} about it - what's your opinion/advice" then LW gets a say. 

    LW is just sharing his/her impression of the situation - which may not reflect Allan's opinion or view of the situation. Maybe Allan just looked upset that day because his so called friends were being jerks to his wife/about his wife's presence. 
    charlotte989875short+sassyOurWildKingdom
  • No one can force someone to propose (or accept a proposal). Sure there can be manipulation, cajoling, ultimatums. But unless she put a gun to Allan's head, he is also making some choices here. And unless he's expressing concerns, I think LW needs to back off. 
    mrsconn23short+sassyOurWildKingdomcowgirl8238

  • mrsconn23 said:








    scribe95 said:



    He's Elizabeth is an adult. HShe is making these decisions and choices. I think it's easier to be mad at the SO than to admit the person you were close to has a free will and has chosen these things. 






    I really do see your point. But what if the gender roles were reversed? I changed things accordingly - above and below. I just wonder if the response would be "well she chose this, so it's her fault." You know? 

    Dear Prudence,
    I have a friend "Elizabeth" who I believe is being manipulated and emotionally abused by her significant other. Over the course of their relationship, her (now) husband: 1) has joined himself to Elizabeth’s hip so that she can’t make plans with others that don’t include him (surprisingly, she was able to have a girls-only day for her bachelorette party), 2) when they do attend events and parties together, he occupies about 90 percent of Elizabeth's social interactions, 3) he has drastically changed her diet (former meat-lover to hard-core vegan), 4) has rushed her into their life events (moving in together, proposing, getting married, buying a house, and he has even named their future children). On that note, I do respect that every couple is different and proceeds with such life events at their own pace, but I know that he actually forced her to say yes to his propsal, even throwing a fit at a mutual friend’s wedding a while back as they still weren’t engaged by then.

    Since they got married in September, she has stopped speaking to me, my boyfriend, and a few of our other mutual friends, when she was previously very close to us. I feel that this is her husband's doing, and that he’s trying to control who she talks to now. The thing is, Elizabeth avoids any and all confrontation like the plague, so she just lets this all happen and refuses to respond if anyone tries to reach out to her. Some of us have asked her if she’s OK, if she needs help, as she is visibly miserable, but she just ignores us. It’s possible that he even monitors Elizabeth’s phone and computer use. Is there anything else we can do for her, or are we forced to watch this train wreck from afar?

    —Worried Bystander





    I am going through something similar right now with a friend.  I've been critical of her H's controlling ways (I told her she didn't have to marry him) and I think her situation is not healthy and definitely abusive (verbal and she's disclosed some physical stuff too), but my friend has dragged her feet on divorcing him...even with a SHIT TON of family and friend support (from some of HIS family too).  

    It feels like she's distanced herself from me in the last month or so.  Probably because, judging from her social media activity and the fact that she's not responded to my calls or texts, she's not going to divorce him after all (even though she's been in the process since January).  And there's no love lost between me and her H either.  We've never had words, but she's told me he knows how I feel about him (because he hacked her shit and found our messages...IDGAF.  Come at me bro.) 

    It hurts. I want to shake her and be all, "I'VE BEEN HERE FOR YOU!"  But she's choosing her choices and there's *nothing* I can do about it.  Yes, some of this is her own damn fault.  I'm not going to stop being there for her, but until/unless she leaves her H, I'm not sure there's much more I can do OR invest right now.

    Maybe I should have minded my own, but eh...this is (was?) one of my closest friends and she disclosed shit to me.  We'll see what happens. 

    I say all that to say that I'd feel the same if it were a man or a woman.  LW needs to keep her feelings to herself UNLESS her friend confides in her and then I'd advise her to tread carefully because you don't know what course someone will take with their relationship. 


    I have a similar situation with a friend.  When she found out he'd cheated on her (not actual sex, but sexting I think), we all danced a jig because she flipped out and said she was leaving him.  That same day, she rationalized it as NBD, since he didn't actually have sex with someone else, and they continue in their mentally/emotionally/maybe physically abusive relationship.  He has severe anger issues that have cost him several jobs, but I think it would take him severely injuring one of their kids before she even considers leaving him for good.  Her mom was abused by her dad as well, and unfortunately she's come to see their interactions as normal.  If she ever decides she wants out, her friends will be there for her, but in the meantime we don't say anything negative about her relationship for fear of pushing her away.  
    mrsconn23short+sassy
  • Here's my problem with LW: she's using hyperboles to try and justify her assertion that Allen is being emotionally abused.  Outside of being a sorceress, the wife can't actually force a proposal, nor can she force a hardcore vegan diet on Allen (which, isn't just a diet, it's a whole ideology, which makes me even less inclined to believe LW on this one).

    Honestly, I've had friends on all sides of this one.  There's always more going on behind the scenes.
    OurWildKingdomshort+sassy
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