the one bad thing that happened....

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

So I had a destination wedding with all my family (both sides) and some friends. Everything was beautiful EXCEPT -- on the day of my wedding, my brother-in-law was suddenly taken to the hospital.  He apparently collapsed on the street (we're all guessing dehydration), fell and had a head injury.  He'd been out running that morning and it was a different climate, and we think that caused it.  But I was really really sad and worried.  He was in the hospital more than 24 hours and missed the wedding (he was a groomsman).  Except for our worry about him, the wedding was perfect and beautiful.  But now that I'm looking at the wedding pictures, I just get sad.  I see the ones of me getting dressed and think "this is where I was wondering if my brother-in-law was going to die" and "this is the part where I started crying and then stressed out that it would mess up my makeup," etc.  I really tried to build a great weekend for my family (a difficult task in any circumstance), and this happened.  My sister (his wife) did make it to the wedding, but I know she was all worried during it and had to rush back to the hospital after the reception.  My brother-in-law is fine now.

Everyone tells me how beautiful the wedding was, but honestly I was in a daze during some of it.  I wish I could look at the photos and not get sad.  I didn't expect it to be perfect, but why did this have to happen?  I was never big into the idea of a wedding but wanted to build something that my family could all enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

flantastic

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629 said:

So I had a destination wedding with all my family (both sides) and some friends. Everything was beautiful EXCEPT -- on the day of my wedding, my brother-in-law was suddenly taken to the hospital.  He apparently collapsed on the street (we're all guessing dehydration), fell and had a head injury.  He'd been out running that morning and it was a different climate, and we think that caused it.  But I was really really sad and worried.  He was in the hospital more than 24 hours and missed the wedding (he was a groomsman).  Except for our worry about him, the wedding was perfect and beautiful.  But now that I'm looking at the wedding pictures, I just get sad.  I see the ones of me getting dressed and think "this is where I was wondering if my brother-in-law was going to die" and "this is the part where I started crying and then stressed out that it would mess up my makeup," etc.  I really tried to build a great weekend for my family (a difficult task in any circumstance), and this happened.  My sister (his wife) did make it to the wedding, but I know she was all worried during it and had to rush back to the hospital after the reception.  My brother-in-law is fine now.

Everyone tells me how beautiful the wedding was, but honestly I was in a daze during some of it.  I wish I could look at the photos and not get sad.  I didn't expect it to be perfect, but why did this have to happen?  I was never big into the idea of a wedding but wanted to build something that my family could all enjoy.

Thanks for reading.

Sure, that's tough, but you're married now! That's the important part. I'm sorry the day was so emotionally upsetting (for good reason) but many wedding days turn out imperfectly to poorly for one reason or another. Your BIL is okay now! (The fact that your sister made it is actually amazing - I'm not sure I would have left my husband's side in the hospital.) Are you enjoying your marriage? If so, you need to let go of what you hoped the day would be like and focus on the good that has come out of it. There's nothing you can do about it now.

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Thanks. My sister came at my brother-in-law's insistence. He was upset that he'd gotten injured on my wedding day and wanted her to go. Sweet of him. And yes, he's fine now -- a few surgical staples still in his head, but he's back at work and regular life, etc.

It's hard to say if I'm enjoying the marriage -- it's been less than 2 weeks, and it's been major change.  I lived alone for more than 20 years (I'm a 40+ bride!) and then moved in with my now-husband and his son only a couple of months before the wedding.  And I know people think it's weird that we didn't live together long before the wedding, but we were already committed.  And people used to get married without ever having lived together at all!  Anyway.  But it has been a stressful change, though I totally expected that.  I'm getting used to a  whole different style of life.  And I'm trying to fix up my old place and rent it out.  And to finish fixing up our new home.  And I'm now a stepmother.  And my husband's work contract ended unexpectedly a week before our wedding.  And let's just say it's been a bit stressful.  I believe that it will be very happy eventually.

Thanks.

short+sassy

I'm so sorry to hear that!  That is a terrible thing to have happen on your wedding day.  I hope your sadness looking at the pics fades over time.  Try a mental exercise where, if you find yourself remembering the sadness and the stress, remind yourself that your BIL turned out to be okay.  Remind yourself of the joyful parts.

I'm sure it doesn't help that there have been a lot of additional stresses going on anyway.

If you've never rented a place out to someone before, two sentences of advice.  Have a great, rock solid lease in place.  Good, strong screening of potential tenants. 

*Barbie*

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629 said:

But I was really really sad and worried.  He was in the hospital more than 24 hours and missed the wedding (he was a groomsman).  Except for our worry about him, the wedding was perfect and beautiful.  But now that I'm looking at the wedding pictures, I just get sad.  I see the ones of me getting dressed and think "this is where I was wondering if my brother-in-law was going to die" and "this is the part where I started crying and then stressed out that it would mess up my makeup," etc.  I really tried to build a great weekend for my family (a difficult task in any circumstance), and this happened.  My sister (his wife) did make it to the wedding, but I know she was all worried during it and had to rush back to the hospital after the reception.  My brother-in-law is fine now.

Everyone tells me how beautiful the wedding was, but honestly I was in a daze during some of it.  I wish I could look at the photos and not get sad.  I didn't expect it to be perfect, but why did this have to happen?  I was never big into the idea of a wedding but wanted to build somethin

I'm sure this was stressful at the time, but honestly, you just need to get over it. You said that he's fine (minus a few staples) - so no lasting damage. 

your post screams "Drama Queen."

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Thanks short+sassy. I appreciate the support. And yeah, I'll study up on how to rent my place. I haven't done that before.

missJeanLouise

Just focus on how he is okay now. It might help you to talk to him about it, let him know how much he was missed. It is nice that you were so concerned but don't let it cloud your memories. This probably has more to do with the fact that you didn't want a big wedding, tried so hard to make it perfect, but it wasn't than anything else. Just let it go.

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Thanks missJeanLouise. You've captured it exactly in your second-to-last sentence. :-) I'll talk to him more about how we missed him. Just have to find the right way to say it without making him feel bad about not having been there for reasons he couldn't help.

*Barbie*

or just...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7qz13bU

charlotte989875

So I don't mean to be too snarky here, but your wedding was what, over two weeks ago? And he's completely fine? Instead of seeing beautiful wedding pictures your remembering crying? This just seems like a disproportionate reaction to what I'm sure at the time was sad/scary/disappointing but ultimately turned out just fine. 

short+sassy

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629 said:

Thanks short+sassy. I appreciate the support. And yeah, I'll study up on how to rent my place. I haven't done that before.

Bigger Pockets is a great website about real estate investing.  It has a huge forum on it.  It's free to register, though I don't think you even have to do that just to read the articles and the posts.

I own a few rental properties myself.  Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns, once you get ready to rent out your old house.

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Hey thanks!  I'll check out the site. 

ei34

I think as you move farther away from your wedding day, you'll focus more on the marriage and less on the wedding day itself.  One of my uncles was badly injured in a freak accident when we all traveled to DC for our cousin's wedding...we all felt really bad but managed to enjoy the reception (our mindset was he was in great hands at a capable hospital). 
You can't change what happened but you can change your reaction- at some point you may be able to look at your photos without feeling sad.  Or maybe not...your call.  Good luck transitioning to married life and I'm glad your BIL will be okay

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Thanks eileenrob, much appreciated. It's very helpful to get encouragement from folks who are removed from the actual situation. Weddings are pretty stressful -- more so that I realized when we started working on ours!

kimmiinthemitten

Sorry, but I'm with the overreaction crowd.  I'm sure it was stressful and less than ideal at the time, but your BIL got a few stitches, not a stint while you were being married.  The fact that your sister left him in the hospital and came is all the proof you need that he was never in real danger.

For me, the first year of living with H (then BF) was the absolute hardest year of our relationship.  I think you're probably projecting the stress from one situation onto another.  Learn to separate your wedding from moving in together so you can enjoy your memories.

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Hey thanks, you're right that the first year is hard.  But I'm working on it.

My BIL recovered quickly, but it still wasn't THAT quick.  He was unconscious quite some time, and they took more than 24 hours to release him from the hospital. That's a pretty long time for someone who's generally in good health. And of course it was some time before we even had an update. Definitely less than a perfect day.  And I didn't expect perfection, but having one of the groomsmen laid up in the hospital really stinks.  I'm close to my BIL and wish he could have had a great time that weekend instead.

ernursej

I'm glad that your BIL was okay and honestly, 24 hours in a hospital doesn't seem that bad to me. With a head injury, loss of consciousness +/- dehydration and r/o something cardiac, we would probably monitor for that long.

I can see that you might have some concerns when you look at your pictures. To me, it shows that you are compassionate. I think it is also a case of expectations not equaling reality. That is hard!

I would give yourself a good month without looking at your pictures. Sort out things that are current and give them the time and attention they deserve. There is lots of stress in a change to where you live, who you live with and the new roles that you have. In a month, I would think first about some positive memories that you do have from your day. Focus on the specifics. Take time while feeling positive to look at your pictures again. If still a concern, you may want to consider talking with someone. It is normal to feel sad about things not going the way you had thought they might, but over time, they should decrease.

Congrats on your marriage!

CMGragain

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629 said:

Thanks. My sister came at my brother-in-law's insistence. He was upset that he'd gotten injured on my wedding day and wanted her to go. Sweet of him. And yes, he's fine now -- a few surgical staples still in his head, but he's back at work and regular life, etc.

It's hard to say if I'm enjoying the marriage -- it's been less than 2 weeks, and it's been major change.  I lived alone for more than 20 years (I'm a 40+ bride!) and then moved in with my now-husband and his son only a couple of months before the wedding.  And I know people think it's weird that we didn't live together long before the wedding, but we were already committed.  And people used to get married without ever having lived together at all!  Anyway.  But it has been a stressful change, though I totally expected that.  I'm getting used to a  whole different style of life.  And I'm trying to fix up my old place and rent it out.  And to finish fixing up our new home.  And I'm now a stepmother.  And my husband's work contract ended unexpectedly a week before our wedding.  And let's just say it's been a bit stressful.  I believe that it will be very happy eventually.

Thanks.

Some people still do wait until after the wedding to live together.  Many religious couples do not live together befpre marriage - think about all those Mormon brides!   My daughter and son-in-law decided to wait until the wedding.  They have been very happily married for about six years.  DH and I were separated by 1100 miles before our marriage, and we have been happy for 40 years.

The first year is usually the hardest as you get used to each other.  There will be up days and down days.  After all, this is real life, not a Disney fantasy movie.  I think commitment and communication are the most important things in a marriage.  If someone is upset and shuts down instead of expressing their feelings, this is a bad indication for the future.  Keep communicating!  Share. Best wishes for your future together.

kwiksilver

Wow PP's... Some of you are being needlessly dismissive.  Ok mostly just one of you.  Maybe it seems a bit overboard to you, but the OP is not you.  It's very likely that she's experiencing post-wedding blues/adjusting/life stress/etc.

This is why people don't stay on these boards.  She posted in an appropriate part of the forum just to vent/express her feelings.  The tactful thing is to just not comment if you think whatever she's saying is ridiculous.  So much unnecessary rudeness.

When people's wedding are ruined/re-planned/etc. by things like hurricanes, venues shutting down unexpectedly, and so forth, we are usually quite supportive.  An important person was unfortunately not present for a very crappy reason, and OP is struggling with a lot of emotions.  Just be kind, it's not that hard.

Edited to be more specific

OurWildKingdom

Well said, @kwiksilver!

knottiec9d9a8992a69c629

Thanks all, and particularly kwiksilver. I did think a couple of posts were rather dismissive. It was painful because I'm very close to my brother-in-law (have known him more than 20 years). I haven't known many people to be in the hospital for more than a day (except my elderly parents), so it seemed pretty intense to me.  I'm sure if you work in a hospital, it would seem less intense.

I liked the last couple of posts about waiting a month or so to look at the pictures.  And about other couples not living together before marriage -- and about communication, etc.  Those are very helpful.

I wasn't aware that people don't stick around on these boards.  I've only been here a day and have already considered leaving.  I've felt very attacked by people's responses to my posts.  Granted that I touched a heated issue in one (on another thread), but I was still surprised by the angry responses to what I believed was civil discourse.  I think the opening post on this thread above was the first thing I ever posted, and I was dismissed almost immediately by some. I'm glad others tried to help.

charlotte989875

I'm sure some of that was directed at my post @kwiksilver and maybe it was dismissive, but no one said the OP was ridiculous or shouldn't have been upset on her wedding day, or that she shouldn't have been worried or concerned about her BIL, no one called her names, or put her down. 

I do feel bad for the OP. But I do still think she's focusing on the wrong things. Upsetting things happen, plans change, weddings don't go the way you plan them too and all of that you can't control. But you can control how you react to your feelings about them. You can choose to focus on how bad things were, continue to make yourself upset, and ignore/forget about the good times that happened. Or you can choose to focus on the great things that happened, like getting married! 

missJeanLouise

I hope no one took my post the wrong way because I understand how OP feels. It is hard for me to separate my feelings from things. For example, DH and I hit a real rough patch while he was out of town one time. I still can't wear the necklace he bought me when there without remembering how angry and hurt I was at the time. But unless I want to live my life constantly angry I had to just let it go. I still feel the feelings, I acknowledge them, and then I move on. It will get easier with time.

Joney

I think spending 24 hours thinking a loved is going to pass away after being in an accident can be perceived as a traumatic event. Having those 24 hours coincide with your wedding -- a time when emotions and stress are higher than normal -- just adds to that. I don't think two weeks after the fact is an unreasonable timeframe to still feel some of those negative emotions. Pictures jar memories, and the emotions attached to them, so it also makes sense to me that looking at them makes it fresh again.

That being said, BIL *is* fine, and eventually the sadness should fade, hopefully leaving behind the good memories and a happy marriage. If it doesn't then I think OP needs to be more proactive about "focusing on the positive", simply because you shouldn't be consumed with grief when thinking about your wedding day, especially since he's recovered. More importantly, I don't think OP *wants* to experience that, either.

kimmiinthemitten

Joney said:

I think spending 24 hours thinking a loved is going to pass away after being in an accident can be perceived as a traumatic event. Having those 24 hours coincide with your wedding -- a time when emotions and stress are higher than normal -- just adds to that. I don't think two weeks after the fact is an unreasonable timeframe to still feel some of those negative emotions. Pictures jar memories, and the emotions attached to them, so it also makes sense to me that looking at them makes it fresh again.

That being said, BIL *is* fine, and eventually the sadness should fade, hopefully leaving behind the good memories and a happy marriage. If it doesn't then I think OP needs to be more proactive about "focusing on the positive", simply because you shouldn't be consumed with grief when thinking about your wedding day, especially since he's recovered. More importantly, I don't think OP *wants* to experience that, either.

TBH this is the part I find to be a bit melodramatic.  Especially considering when all was said and done he had a couple stitches.

My brother no called no showed my wedding because he is an on again/off again drug addict.  Was I angry and hurt?  Sure, but I don't look at pictures from that day and imagine him with a needle in his arm.  Like I previously stated, I think OP is going through a lot of stress and that is probably causing her emotional reaction more than her actual wedding day memories.

Nobody said it wasn't fine to be upset/scared for BIL, but it's time to find a way to move on from that.  She's married, BIL is fine.

OP - don't leave just over this.  These boards are honest and when people disagree with you, they will tell you.  But no one was disrespectful or rude.  You may have read malice into posts that weren't there, I did too in the beginning.

LondonLisa

I am sure it was scary and stressful at the time, no one is invalidating that, but he was fine and just needed some stitches. 

Maybe just take a break from looking at wedding photos for a while. I mean, most people can attest that you look at them a lot right at the beginning and then kind of forget about it. Why not just try to have a moratorium of a couple months from looking at the photos so the nerve isn't so raw. 

When you do look at them, instead of thinking 'my stress was such a horrible memory' say 'how lucky am I that I still have this person that I care about in my life.'

Sometimes you need a 'near miss' to start being positive, and telling people how much they mean to you. Start reframing your wedding memories as not only as the time you married your H, but also as the time you both decided to be more proactive to make sure the people you care about know it. 

Joney

@kimmiinthemitten Trauma may have been the wrong word, and TBH I struggled a bit with the wording, but I still think the experience is largely subjective.  Some people can shrug something like this off immediately (once it was clear BIL was fine), some take more time, but my main point was that I don't think under two weeks is an unreasonable timeframe to still be processing what happened.

eta: I think it's fine to still process what happened with the caveat that it's not being dumped on BIL or sister, or others close to this.  Though nothing has been written to suggest that's the case.