Wedding Woes
knottiec9d9a8992a69c629
member
the one bad thing that happened....
in Wedding Woes
So I had a destination wedding with all my family (both sides) and some friends. Everything was beautiful EXCEPT -- on the day of my wedding, my brother-in-law was suddenly taken to the hospital. He apparently collapsed on the street (we're all guessing dehydration), fell and had a head injury. He'd been out running that morning and it was a different climate, and we think that caused it. But I was really really sad and worried. He was in the hospital more than 24 hours and missed the wedding (he was a groomsman). Except for our worry about him, the wedding was perfect and beautiful. But now that I'm looking at the wedding pictures, I just get sad. I see the ones of me getting dressed and think "this is where I was wondering if my brother-in-law was going to die" and "this is the part where I started crying and then stressed out that it would mess up my makeup," etc. I really tried to build a great weekend for my family (a difficult task in any circumstance), and this happened. My sister (his wife) did make it to the wedding, but I know she was all worried during it and had to rush back to the hospital after the reception. My brother-in-law is fine now.
Everyone tells me how beautiful the wedding was, but honestly I was in a daze during some of it. I wish I could look at the photos and not get sad. I didn't expect it to be perfect, but why did this have to happen? I was never big into the idea of a wedding but wanted to build something that my family could all enjoy.
Thanks for reading.
Everyone tells me how beautiful the wedding was, but honestly I was in a daze during some of it. I wish I could look at the photos and not get sad. I didn't expect it to be perfect, but why did this have to happen? I was never big into the idea of a wedding but wanted to build something that my family could all enjoy.
Thanks for reading.
Re: the one bad thing that happened....
Sure, that's tough, but you're married now! That's the important part. I'm sorry the day was so emotionally upsetting (for good reason) but many wedding days turn out imperfectly to poorly for one reason or another. Your BIL is okay now! (The fact that your sister made it is actually amazing - I'm not sure I would have left my husband's side in the hospital.) Are you enjoying your marriage? If so, you need to let go of what you hoped the day would be like and focus on the good that has come out of it. There's nothing you can do about it now.
It's hard to say if I'm enjoying the marriage -- it's been less than 2 weeks, and it's been major change. I lived alone for more than 20 years (I'm a 40+ bride!) and then moved in with my now-husband and his son only a couple of months before the wedding. And I know people think it's weird that we didn't live together long before the wedding, but we were already committed. And people used to get married without ever having lived together at all! Anyway. But it has been a stressful change, though I totally expected that. I'm getting used to a whole different style of life. And I'm trying to fix up my old place and rent it out. And to finish fixing up our new home. And I'm now a stepmother. And my husband's work contract ended unexpectedly a week before our wedding. And let's just say it's been a bit stressful. I believe that it will be very happy eventually.
Thanks.
I'm so sorry to hear that! That is a terrible thing to have happen on your wedding day. I hope your sadness looking at the pics fades over time. Try a mental exercise where, if you find yourself remembering the sadness and the stress, remind yourself that your BIL turned out to be okay. Remind yourself of the joyful parts.
I'm sure it doesn't help that there have been a lot of additional stresses going on anyway.
If you've never rented a place out to someone before, two sentences of advice. Have a great, rock solid lease in place. Good, strong screening of potential tenants.
I'm sure this was stressful at the time, but honestly, you just need to get over it. You said that he's fine (minus a few staples) - so no lasting damage.
your post screams "Drama Queen."
Bigger Pockets is a great website about real estate investing. It has a huge forum on it. It's free to register, though I don't think you even have to do that just to read the articles and the posts.
I own a few rental properties myself. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions/concerns, once you get ready to rent out your old house.
You can't change what happened but you can change your reaction- at some point you may be able to look at your photos without feeling sad. Or maybe not...your call. Good luck transitioning to married life and I'm glad your BIL will be okay
For me, the first year of living with H (then BF) was the absolute hardest year of our relationship. I think you're probably projecting the stress from one situation onto another. Learn to separate your wedding from moving in together so you can enjoy your memories.
My BIL recovered quickly, but it still wasn't THAT quick. He was unconscious quite some time, and they took more than 24 hours to release him from the hospital. That's a pretty long time for someone who's generally in good health. And of course it was some time before we even had an update. Definitely less than a perfect day. And I didn't expect perfection, but having one of the groomsmen laid up in the hospital really stinks. I'm close to my BIL and wish he could have had a great time that weekend instead.
I'm glad that your BIL was okay and honestly, 24 hours in a hospital doesn't seem that bad to me. With a head injury, loss of consciousness +/- dehydration and r/o something cardiac, we would probably monitor for that long.
I can see that you might have some concerns when you look at your pictures. To me, it shows that you are compassionate. I think it is also a case of expectations not equaling reality. That is hard!
I would give yourself a good month without looking at your pictures. Sort out things that are current and give them the time and attention they deserve. There is lots of stress in a change to where you live, who you live with and the new roles that you have. In a month, I would think first about some positive memories that you do have from your day. Focus on the specifics. Take time while feeling positive to look at your pictures again. If still a concern, you may want to consider talking with someone. It is normal to feel sad about things not going the way you had thought they might, but over time, they should decrease.
Congrats on your marriage!
Some people still do wait until after the wedding to live together. Many religious couples do not live together befpre marriage - think about all those Mormon brides! My daughter and son-in-law decided to wait until the wedding. They have been very happily married for about six years. DH and I were separated by 1100 miles before our marriage, and we have been happy for 40 years.
The first year is usually the hardest as you get used to each other. There will be up days and down days. After all, this is real life, not a Disney fantasy movie. I think commitment and communication are the most important things in a marriage. If someone is upset and shuts down instead of expressing their feelings, this is a bad indication for the future. Keep communicating! Share. Best wishes for your future together.
This is why people don't stay on these boards. She posted in an appropriate part of the forum just to vent/express her feelings. The tactful thing is to just not comment if you think whatever she's saying is ridiculous. So much unnecessary rudeness.
When people's wedding are ruined/re-planned/etc. by things like hurricanes, venues shutting down unexpectedly, and so forth, we are usually quite supportive. An important person was unfortunately not present for a very crappy reason, and OP is struggling with a lot of emotions. Just be kind, it's not that hard.
Edited to be more specific
I liked the last couple of posts about waiting a month or so to look at the pictures. And about other couples not living together before marriage -- and about communication, etc. Those are very helpful.
I wasn't aware that people don't stick around on these boards. I've only been here a day and have already considered leaving. I've felt very attacked by people's responses to my posts. Granted that I touched a heated issue in one (on another thread), but I was still surprised by the angry responses to what I believed was civil discourse. I think the opening post on this thread above was the first thing I ever posted, and I was dismissed almost immediately by some. I'm glad others tried to help.
I do feel bad for the OP. But I do still think she's focusing on the wrong things. Upsetting things happen, plans change, weddings don't go the way you plan them too and all of that you can't control. But you can control how you react to your feelings about them. You can choose to focus on how bad things were, continue to make yourself upset, and ignore/forget about the good times that happened. Or you can choose to focus on the great things that happened, like getting married!
That being said, BIL *is* fine, and eventually the sadness should fade, hopefully leaving behind the good memories and a happy marriage. If it doesn't then I think OP needs to be more proactive about "focusing on the positive", simply because you shouldn't be consumed with grief when thinking about your wedding day, especially since he's recovered. More importantly, I don't think OP *wants* to experience that, either.
TBH this is the part I find to be a bit melodramatic. Especially considering when all was said and done he had a couple stitches.
My brother no called no showed my wedding because he is an on again/off again drug addict. Was I angry and hurt? Sure, but I don't look at pictures from that day and imagine him with a needle in his arm. Like I previously stated, I think OP is going through a lot of stress and that is probably causing her emotional reaction more than her actual wedding day memories.
Nobody said it wasn't fine to be upset/scared for BIL, but it's time to find a way to move on from that. She's married, BIL is fine.
OP - don't leave just over this. These boards are honest and when people disagree with you, they will tell you. But no one was disrespectful or rude. You may have read malice into posts that weren't there, I did too in the beginning.
Maybe just take a break from looking at wedding photos for a while. I mean, most people can attest that you look at them a lot right at the beginning and then kind of forget about it. Why not just try to have a moratorium of a couple months from looking at the photos so the nerve isn't so raw.
When you do look at them, instead of thinking 'my stress was such a horrible memory' say 'how lucky am I that I still have this person that I care about in my life.'
Sometimes you need a 'near miss' to start being positive, and telling people how much they mean to you. Start reframing your wedding memories as not only as the time you married your H, but also as the time you both decided to be more proactive to make sure the people you care about know it.
eta: I think it's fine to still process what happened with the caveat that it's not being dumped on BIL or sister, or others close to this. Though nothing has been written to suggest that's the case.