Renewal at 1 year.

southernbelle0915

I'm mostly with scribe here.

This is one of those situations where the couple got married because reasons and now wants something else out of their wedding experience (whether for themselves or others) so they host another party with the trappings of a wedding and they call it a vow renewal. Not a fan.

Have an anniversary party but nothing wedding related - except maybe photos of the actual wedding.

I cannot imagine the pain OP is going through with her son. As a mother, it truly breaks my heart. But children and deceased individuals cannot host events. If OP wants to honor her son, that is a separate event, more in the style of a memorial and, regardless, he would not host it.

LondonLisa

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

MandyMost

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

I am going to a reception for a wedding this weekend (they got married 4 weeks ago in Las Vegas with 14 witnesses and reception locally) where the invitation says "(brides living mother & stepfather) invite you to the wedding of their daughter (wife name) to (husband name) son of (groom's deceased parents)...so on" Is this so different?

Yes, this is so different.

The story goes that parents used to be listed on invitations back when it was the parent's friends being invited to the event (because the couple was young and didn't have their own social circle) and the invitees wouldn't have a clue who the couple were if the parents weren't listed on the invite. However, it's really never been proper etiquette to list anyone on an invite other than hosts and honorees (if they're different people). 


And that invite you have is wrong, because it's not a wedding. They're married already! 

Have an anniversary party. Wear a great dress, have toasts (including toasts to each other), and have lots of dances. Including dances with your parents, or anyone else you want to dance with. 

knottied6acac2d1b10530c

LondonLisa said:

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm getting stressed out by family because this is what THEY want. Is there a _huge_ difference between "exchange of personal vows" & "toasting & pledging to each other"? 

knottied6acac2d1b10530c

scribe95 said:

OP's circumstances are horrible. Everyone can agree. But aside from that this seems just like any other PPD we hear about on here. 

I don't know what my post partum depression (which at this point is more post traumatic stress disorder and grief) have to do with this.

sparklepants41

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

scribe95 said:

OP's circumstances are horrible. Everyone can agree. But aside from that this seems just like any other PPD we hear about on here. 

I don't know what my post partum depression (which at this point is more post traumatic stress disorder and grief) have to do with this.

Oh yikes, OP. I'm really really sorry about the death of your son. My close friends lost their daughter to a congenital disorder when she was only 6 weeks old. So while I will never understand exactly what you are feeling, I understand how devastated you are. 

Here on The Knot, PPD stands for Pretty Princess Day - a term that refers to a "re-do" of a wedding where the B & G are already married but reenact the motions including wearing bridal gown, having spotlight dances, cutting the cake, etc.

@scribe95 was not referring to your grief and PTSD in her comment.  

LondonLisa

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

scribe95 said:

OP's circumstances are horrible. Everyone can agree. But aside from that this seems just like any other PPD we hear about on here. 

I don't know what my post partum depression (which at this point is more post traumatic stress disorder and grief) have to do with this.

@knottied6acac2d1b10530c This is a horrible case of misunderstanding! The acronym PPD on this site means 'Pretty Princess Day'- It is where brides try to have a wedding redo even though they are already married

I know for a fact that @scribe95 would never make fun of your post partum depression or mental health in general. 

I'm sorry if the mix up made you upset. 

LondonLisa

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm getting stressed out by family because this is what THEY want. Is there a _huge_ difference between "exchange of personal vows" & "toasting & pledging to each other"? 

OP, you are an adult. Not to be snarky here, but no one can force you to do anything you don't want to. I know you are trying to please everyone, but 'No' is not a naughty word. When you try to please everyone else, you end up miserable. 

The difference is the exchange of personal vows usually involves a ceremony, everyone seated theatre style and very much like a wedding redo. Often there is an aisle, a fake officiant etc

Toasts are usually 2-5 minutes maximum before dinner, where everyone is seated at their tables. It is a chance to just stand up and say 'Thank you for coming, as you know we have had a hard few years, but thanks to the love and support of my beautiful wife, we made it through. You are a wonderful person and I promise to always be there for you. I love you. So can everyone please raise their glass to my wife, Susan. Cheers!' And then you do the same to your husband. 

knottied6acac2d1b10530c

LondonLisa said:

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm getting stressed out by family because this is what THEY want. Is there a _huge_ difference between "exchange of personal vows" & "toasting & pledging to each other"? 

OP, you are an adult. Not to be snarky here, but no one can force you to do anything you don't want to. I know you are trying to please everyone, but 'No' is not a naughty word. When you try to please everyone else, you end up miserable. 

The difference is the exchange of personal vows usually involves a ceremony, everyone seated theatre style and very much like a wedding redo. Often there is an aisle, a fake officiant etc

Toasts are usually 2-5 minutes maximum before dinner, where everyone is seated at their tables. It is a chance to just stand up and say 'Thank you for coming, as you know we have had a hard few years, but thanks to the love and support of my beautiful wife, we made it through. You are a wonderful person and I promise to always be there for you. I love you. So can everyone please raise their glass to my wife, Susan. Cheers!' And then you do the same to your husband. 

The toast you wrote is almost exactly the vows I would do, with more personalized notes. And seated at tables. So in a way, not much difference.

Also, I'm miserable no matter. I'm stress out or I let everyone down. I always need to please my elders.

knottied6acac2d1b10530c

Thanks, ladies, for the clarification on PPD. I really was thinking "this isn't about depression"

LondonLisa

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm getting stressed out by family because this is what THEY want. Is there a _huge_ difference between "exchange of personal vows" & "toasting & pledging to each other"? 

OP, you are an adult. Not to be snarky here, but no one can force you to do anything you don't want to. I know you are trying to please everyone, but 'No' is not a naughty word. When you try to please everyone else, you end up miserable. 

The difference is the exchange of personal vows usually involves a ceremony, everyone seated theatre style and very much like a wedding redo. Often there is an aisle, a fake officiant etc

Toasts are usually 2-5 minutes maximum before dinner, where everyone is seated at their tables. It is a chance to just stand up and say 'Thank you for coming, as you know we have had a hard few years, but thanks to the love and support of my beautiful wife, we made it through. You are a wonderful person and I promise to always be there for you. I love you. So can everyone please raise their glass to my wife, Susan. Cheers!' And then you do the same to your husband. 

The toast you wrote is almost exactly the vows I would do, with more personalized notes. And seated at tables. So in a way, not much difference.

Also, I'm miserable no matter. I'm stress out or I let everyone down. I always need to please my elders.

This makes me concerned. You, in no way, let everyone down. That is the depression talking. It might feel that way but it really sounds like you are doing the best you can, and that is all anyone can ask for. 

Is there any way you could speak to a grief counselor? Are there any free services in your area? 

You deserve happiness. You have worth. And you will be happy again one day. Grief is traumatic because it makes you feel like you are down at the bottom of a miserable dispair pit, and you'll never get out again. 

I think a counselor could not only help you with general depression, but good coping strategies to get to a place of happiness again. 

I am not trying to invalidate your feelings, but depression is a chemical in your brain triggering a lot of these thoughts. It's not fair to you to try to fight this on your own. There is always going to be stress, but don't tie that or what happened to you in your self worth. 

knottied6acac2d1b10530c

LondonLisa said:

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

knottied6acac2d1b10530c said:

LondonLisa said:

OP, can you please clarify? I thought you said you were doing an anniversary party (possibly with toasts to each other) and spotlight dances. Are you still planning on doing a ceremony reenactment?

I'm not sure what we're going to do. I'm getting stressed out by family because this is what THEY want. Is there a _huge_ difference between "exchange of personal vows" & "toasting & pledging to each other"? 

OP, you are an adult. Not to be snarky here, but no one can force you to do anything you don't want to. I know you are trying to please everyone, but 'No' is not a naughty word. When you try to please everyone else, you end up miserable. 

The difference is the exchange of personal vows usually involves a ceremony, everyone seated theatre style and very much like a wedding redo. Often there is an aisle, a fake officiant etc

Toasts are usually 2-5 minutes maximum before dinner, where everyone is seated at their tables. It is a chance to just stand up and say 'Thank you for coming, as you know we have had a hard few years, but thanks to the love and support of my beautiful wife, we made it through. You are a wonderful person and I promise to always be there for you. I love you. So can everyone please raise their glass to my wife, Susan. Cheers!' And then you do the same to your husband. 

The toast you wrote is almost exactly the vows I would do, with more personalized notes. And seated at tables. So in a way, not much difference.

Also, I'm miserable no matter. I'm stress out or I let everyone down. I always need to please my elders.

This makes me concerned. You, in no way, let everyone down. That is the depression talking. It might feel that way but it really sounds like you are doing the best you can, and that is all anyone can ask for. 

Is there any way you could speak to a grief counselor? Are there any free services in your area? 

You deserve happiness. You have worth. And you will be happy again one day. Grief is traumatic because it makes you feel like you are down at the bottom of a miserable dispair pit, and you'll never get out again. 

I think a counselor could not only help you with general depression, but good coping strategies to get to a place of happiness again. 

I am not trying to invalidate your feelings, but depression is a chemical in your brain triggering a lot of these thoughts. It's not fair to you to try to fight this on your own. There is always going to be stress, but don't tie that or what happened to you in your self worth. 

I've always been a people pleaser, especially to make my parents & grandparents happy. I am in counseling. She thinks it's a great idea to have the party (whatever we want to call it) because she finds I'm at my best when I am busy..

CMGragain

People pleaser?  You sound like me.  Pleasing everyone is an impossible goal, though.
I am glad you are in counseling.  I can't image going through what you have gone through without it.  I have had chronic, severe depression my entire life.  I need medication to help treat the problem, which is partially physical.  There was nothing until the late 1980s that could help.  Unfortunately, my son inherited it.  Thank God my daughter did not.
I hope you have a peaceful, happy life ahead.  You are in my thoughts and prayers.