hair/makeup cancelled morning of wedding, she's BIL girlfriend...

[Deleted User]

my BIL is dating a girl who is an amazing hair stylist and makeup artist and owns her own company doing that.
months before the wedding, I was asking her advice on what I should look for when choosing a stylist for my wedding. (price, contracts, standard operating procedures...etc)
The next day she calls and offers her services for our wedding! (free for me, my mom and MIL. $50 for hair and $50 for makeup for each of the bridesmaids) I asked her if she was sure, and assured her that I preferred for her to be a guest at the wedding, and not a vendor but she said she was happy to do it.

flash forward a few months and we haven't seen or talked to each other, except during thanksgiving and christmas and when she texted me before the presidential election to tell me I was ignorant for not supporting Bernie Sanders.
we live about 3 hours apart.

about 3 months before the wedding I texted and asked if she is still planning on doing the hair and makeup for the wedding, and she says yes.
I asked if we could schedule a date/time to do a hair and make up trial and she says she will be busy for the foreseeable future but would be in town 2 days before the wedding and we could do it then. I told her that those days were looking really busy for us, and if she was available any time before that, I would drive down to her and make it happen. She sent me the thumbs up emoji.

the day before our wedding she texts me at 7am and asks when I want to do my trial. I don't see the text until 10am. I had just woken up because I hadn't gone to sleep until 630am because H and I were finishing last minute wedding details.
I told her that I definitely would not have time for a hair trial, and she responds that I shouldnt have slept in so late. I apologize, and ask if she will be at the rehearsal that night with BIL (he was a groomsman) so that we can talk about what time we need to start in the morning. she says that we will need to start at 10am and I tell her that is perfect. I ask if she has any questions about anything and she says BIL will keep her updated on meeting times for the rehearsal. I then tell her that if she needs anything, H knows all the details and MIL knows all the details and that we could talk at the rehearsal about anything else.

after a very stressful day, we are the last to show at the rehearsal. we are overwhelmed, stressed out, and both on the verge of tears and are dreading walking into the group of people waiting for us who will be expecting us to have all the answers to their questions.
I didn't see stylist at the rehearsal until we all finally got to sit down and eat pizza, she was pissed, I asked MOH if she would gather up the BP and stylist so we could go over the game plan. Before that could happen, stylist stormed out and went back to the hotel that she was staying at with BIL, MIL and FIL.
MIL informs me that she will talk to her, and see whats up.
everyone is confused.

at 930am the morning of the wedding, MIL calls us to inform us that stylist is upset we did not speak to her or acknowledge her the night before and she will not be coming to do our hair and makeup.

a month later and she has not spoken to us or offered any kind of reason or apology.

what do we do?

[Deleted User]

i should note that my MOH quickly stepped in and called every salon in town and found a place that could squeeze in 2 appts, and 1 salon that had a cancellation and could squeeze me in. (it was prom weekend and wedding season)
I did get my hair done, and my matron of honor and maid of honor got their hair done. the other 2 BM did each others hair. MIL and my mom did their own hair.
We all did our own makeup.

The morning plans of getting ready together. eating lunch that the BM's had planned and ordered, and the photographer that was going to take a few snapshots all had to be cancelled because we would all be in different places.
I didn't see any of them until I got to the venue 30 minutes before the ceremony.

missJeanLouise

Knottie1457149044 said:

my BIL is dating a girl who is an amazing hair stylist and makeup artist and owns her own company doing that.
months before the wedding, I was asking her advice on what I should look for when choosing a stylist for my wedding. (price, contracts, standard operating procedures...etc)
The next day she calls and offers her services for our wedding! (free for me, my mom and MIL. $50 for hair and $50 for makeup for each of the bridesmaids) I asked her if she was sure, and assured her that I preferred for her to be a guest at the wedding, and not a vendor but she said she was happy to do it.

flash forward a few months and we haven't seen or talked to each other, except during thanksgiving and christmas and when she texted me before the presidential election to tell me I was ignorant for not supporting Bernie Sanders.
we live about 3 hours apart.

about 3 months before the wedding I texted and asked if she is still planning on doing the hair and makeup for the wedding, and she says yes.
I asked if we could schedule a date/time to do a hair and make up trial and she says she will be busy for the foreseeable future but would be in town 2 days before the wedding and we could do it then. I told her that those days were looking really busy for us, and if she was available any time before that, I would drive down to her and make it happen. She sent me the thumbs up emoji.

the day before our wedding she texts me at 7am and asks when I want to do my trial. I don't see the text until 10am. I had just woken up because I hadn't gone to sleep until 630am because H and I were finishing last minute wedding details.
I told her that I definitely would not have time for a hair trial, and she responds that I shouldnt have slept in so late. I apologize, and ask if she will be at the rehearsal that night with BIL (he was a groomsman) so that we can talk about what time we need to start in the morning. she says that we will need to start at 10am and I tell her that is perfect. I ask if she has any questions about anything and she says BIL will keep her updated on meeting times for the rehearsal. I then tell her that if she needs anything, H knows all the details and MIL knows all the details and that we could talk at the rehearsal about anything else.

after a very stressful day, we are the last to show at the rehearsal. we are overwhelmed, stressed out, and both on the verge of tears and are dreading walking into the group of people waiting for us who will be expecting us to have all the answers to their questions.
I didn't see stylist at the rehearsal until we all finally got to sit down and eat pizza, she was pissed, I asked MOH if she would gather up the BP and stylist so we could go over the game plan. Before that could happen, stylist stormed out and went back to the hotel that she was staying at with BIL, MIL and FIL.
MIL informs me that she will talk to her, and see whats up.
everyone is confused.

at 930am the morning of the wedding, MIL calls us to inform us that stylist is upset we did not speak to her or acknowledge her the night before and she will not be coming to do our hair and makeup.

a month later and she has not spoken to us or offered any kind of reason or apology.

what do we do?

Knottie1457149044 said:

i should note that my MOH quickly stepped in and called every salon in town and found a place that could squeeze in 2 appts, and 1 salon that had a cancellation and could squeeze me in. (it was prom weekend and wedding season)
I did get my hair done, and my matron of honor and maid of honor got their hair done. the other 2 BM did each others hair. MIL and my mom did their own hair.
We all did our own makeup.

The morning plans of getting ready together. eating lunch that the BM's had planned and ordered, and the photographer that was going to take a few snapshots all had to be cancelled because we would all be in different places.
I didn't see any of them until I got to the venue 30 minutes before the ceremony.

Well, what's done is done so at this point I would leave it alone. It's not like you two were close before the wedding so not communicating for a month is not unusual. The relationship is obviously damaged but it is up to you if you want to try to fix things. If you are interested in salvaging it (which I would be since she is still dating your BIL and she could become your SIL), write her a letter apologizing for the confusion and for any hurt feelings. She was very rude for not honoring her commitment but there were so many red flags that it is not entirely her fault. If you are not too worried about the relationship just be friendly/ cordial the next time you see her.

charlotte989875

At this point I think it's time to let this go. She was wrong for not doing the hair and makeup. But I agree with PP that some of this is on you too. You waited until the rehearsal to detail plans? And then don't talk to her until the very end? Many people don't have hair/makeup trials but all the vendors know what is happening well before the night before. Sure weddings can be stressful, but so stressful you're in tears and that prevent you from managing your own event just seem extreme to me. And the reason people were looking at you to answer all their questions is because it's your event and you told them you'd answer their questions at the rehearsal. 

I think she owes you and apology and you owe her an apology. 

MobKaz

Knottie1457149044 said:"after a very stressful day, we are the last to show at the rehearsal. we
are overwhelmed, stressed out, and both on the verge of tears and are
dreading walking into the group of people waiting for us who will be
expecting us to have all the answers to their questions."

"a month later and she has not spoken to us or offered any kind of reason or apology."


It sounds as if you both have time management and communication issues.  No wedding and/or its planning should cause this amount of stress.  How long did you make these guests wait for you?

I agree with PP's.  Forget and move on.

lyndausvi

I booked my hair from OOT.  At a place I've never been to before.   I was not able to do a trial because I lived to far OOT.  

I still communicated to my hair stylist way more than you.  Booked a year out.  Touched based via email a few months before.  Sent ideas back and forth the weeks before the wedding.  Touched based with them a few days out when I got to town.

   Your's was your BIL's GF, a potential SIL.  Who was giving you free /discounted services.   Communication and appreciation for her services was clear.  You didn't have any.  Some how she was magically do your hair without any consultation.  Well, some people do not work that way. 

I don't condone her cancelling last minute.  What she did was bad.  2 wrongs do not make a right.  But you didn't seem to appreciate  her or the services she was to provide.

Like others said.  Forget it and move on.

short+sassy

Hindsight being 20/20, there could have been more communication and understanding all around.  With that said, I think it was horrible she didn't stick with her commitment, even if she was upset with you all.

But, in the end, things happen and I'm glad you were still able to get your hair and make-up done.

Heck, for my own wedding, my hairstylist had a medical emergency the night before my wedding.  She even called my mom from the ER crying, but assured me she had one of the other stylists already set up to take care of my hair.  The new stylist refused to listen to what my original stylist and I had discussed in my trial.  And my curls ended up falling out and looking horrible, within the hour, because of it.  Oh well.  I still got married and had an amazing day.

For your situation, it sounds like you don't need to be around or communicate with your BIL's g/f very often, anyway.  If you no longer want any kind of friendship, that's fine and understandable; however, you still need to be polite and cordial when you all are in the same place.  The smile that doesn't quite reach your eyes.  The impersonal tone to your voice, while exchanging societal niceties.  You know what I mean .  I wouldn't ask for an apology or bring it up.  What would be the point, except to cause further animosity.  She knows what she did.

[Deleted User]

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

missJeanLouise

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

Cool.

Does any of the new information invalidate the advice given? 

Fact: Anyone can have an opinion about anything.

LondonLisa

Well, what's done is done. This should be a friendly PSA that no matter how good someone is at a specific thing, or how close of a friend they are frendors are a bad, bad idea. 

ernursej

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

OP - you can feel anyway you want about your situation. I would be upset, for sure. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done about this now. Friends/family acting as vendors is never recommended for the fact that when things go south, it becomes difficult to deal appropriately with it.

Did you have a contract outlining what she would/wouldn't do? Contracts are often the best thing to prevent or deal with things like this.

As she is family, I would do your best to privately grieve that things didn't turn out the way that you wanted and then put it behind you. Take the high road and try to repair the bridge between the two of you.

mrsconn23

missJeanLouise said:

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

Cool.

Does any of the new information invalidate the advice given? 

Fact: Anyone can have an opinion about anything.

[Deleted User]

I agree. 

southernbelle0915

While I think your BIL's girlfriend seems like a relatively unhinged crazypants for being mad about who knows what and literally bailing on you on your wedding day.... I just don't know what else you can do that you haven't already done. 

You apologized for whatever (being 10 minutes late?!). She won't talk to you or say what she's so incredibly pissed about. So there's not much else TO do. Don't feed the bear...just continue to be nice and act normal.

[Deleted User]

No, I didn't have a contract, definitely something I realized later. My mom said the same thing. 
im not planning on bringing it up or holding it against her, I was just hoping for an apology from her.

my husbands side of the family (very large) are all upset with her about the whole situation, as it caused additional drama between my husband and his brother. My family consists of 4 people, they have all moved on.  I was hoping for advice on how to handle things at the next family gathering when we see them. I don't want her to feel like she's not welcome

[Deleted User]

missJeanLouise said:

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

Cool.

Does any of the new information invalidate the advice given? 

Fact: Anyone can have an opinion about anything.

Thats an alternative fact. 

levioosa

Knottie1457149044 said:

No, I didn't have a contract, definitely something I realized later. My mom said the same thing. 
im not planning on bringing it up or holding it against her, I was just hoping for an apology from her.

my husbands side of the family (very large) are all upset with her about the whole situation, as it caused additional drama between my husband and his brother. My family consists of 4 people, they have all moved on.  I was hoping for advice on how to handle things at the next family gathering when we see them. I don't want her to feel like she's not welcome

I mean...are you planing on throwing down at the BBQ? Giving her the stink eye? Just be cordial and polite. What do you do at work when you don't like someone? I'm assuming you act professionally. Do the same here. You can't control how the rest of the family acts, other than to say you have moved on and they should too. If they act poorly after that, that's on them. If she feels like she's not welcome and everyone is acting politely, then that's on her. 

ETF: Words

charlotte989875

Knottie1457149044 said:

No, I didn't have a contract, definitely something I realized later. My mom said the same thing. 
im not planning on bringing it up or holding it against her, I was just hoping for an apology from her.

my husbands side of the family (very large) are all upset with her about the whole situation, as it caused additional drama between my husband and his brother. My family consists of 4 people, they have all moved on.  I was hoping for advice on how to handle things at the next family gathering when we see them. I don't want her to feel like she's not welcome

Just be the bigger person. Be polite, include her in conversation, make her feel welcome. An apology at this point is unlikely. If she does recognize how unprofessional her behavior was and apologizes, great, accept it graciously and put it all behind you. If it doesn't come, put it behind you anyway. The way you make her feel like she's not welcome is to treat her the same way you would any other guest or person at an event. You don't have to be best friends, but treat her well and move on. 

If other people bring it up simply say "that's in the past, were married now and I felt beautiful on that day. Have you tried the cocktail Betsy made, it's delicious". Don't engage in the family drama or you'll look petty and silly. 

MissKittyDanger

charlotte989875 said:

Knottie1457149044 said:

No, I didn't have a contract, definitely something I realized later. My mom said the same thing. 
im not planning on bringing it up or holding it against her, I was just hoping for an apology from her.

my husbands side of the family (very large) are all upset with her about the whole situation, as it caused additional drama between my husband and his brother. My family consists of 4 people, they have all moved on.  I was hoping for advice on how to handle things at the next family gathering when we see them. I don't want her to feel like she's not welcome

Just be the bigger person. Be polite, include her in conversation, make her feel welcome. An apology at this point is unlikely. If she does recognize how unprofessional her behavior was and apologizes, great, accept it graciously and put it all behind you. If it doesn't come, put it behind you anyway. The way you make her feel like she's not welcome is to treat her the same way you would any other guest or person at an event. You don't have to be best friends, but treat her well and move on. 

If other people bring it up simply say "that's in the past, were married now and I felt beautiful on that day. Have you tried the cocktail Betsy made, it's delicious". Don't engage in the family drama or you'll look petty and silly. 

This! As difficult as it may feel to be the bigger person sometimes, it's often better to be the bigger person.

If she wants to engage in drama, just don't feed into it.

banana468

I think you need to move on with this.

I also don't think you should trust her or recommend her services either.   But when it comes to your wedding and relationship with her, move on and just be civil.  

southernbelle0915

Knottie1457149044 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

Cool.

Does any of the new information invalidate the advice given? 

Fact: Anyone can have an opinion about anything.

Thats an alternative fact. 

charlotte989875

Knottie1457149044 said:

missJeanLouise said:

Knottie1457149044 said:

I guess I should have been more specific. 
I tried multiple times to set up a trial, but she was never available. I sent her photos of what I wanted. And details for each of the bridesmaids. 
I apologized to her (and our entire BP) the night of the rehearsal for having anxiety and being late. (We were 10min late to the rehearsal, which was at the hotel that everyone, but her and BIL, were staying at) 
I communicated plans and details with everyone, including her. 
Just because I didn't detail everything I said and did to express gratitude and appreciation to everyone involved, does not mean that I didn't do that. I just didn't see the need to brag about my graciousness. 
Our officiant, cake baker, and bartender were all working our wedding as friends doing a favor and not a single one of them had any issues with communication.

And here is a friendly PSA:
No one can have an opinion on what amount of stress is appropriate for someone to have the day before their  wedding. 
Everyone has their own experience and their own ways of handling stress and it is not anyone's right to demand an explanation for someone's anxiety/stress.  

Cool.

Does any of the new information invalidate the advice given? 

Fact: Anyone can have an opinion about anything.

Thats an alternative fact. 

CMGragain

You need to be polite to her.  You do not need to be friends with her.

LondonLisa

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

southernbelle0915

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I honestly think this is assuming a LOT. Depending on where she's located, $50 for hair and $50 for make-up may very well be the market rate. 

Given the way she handled this individual, waiting for the friend to offer, offering to pay, telling her she preferred to just let her be a guest...why is the assumption that she handled her other friends (officiant, cake baker, bartender) any differently. Isn't that how we advise couples to handle friends as helpers? Wait til they offer, offer to pay them fair market value, and ensure they know it's ok to "just be a guest"? 

As far as what she wants out of this post, she's basically just like "I've apologized, I've given her space...anything else I should do? ILs are mad at her and I want her to feel welcome at the next family gathering." It's a bit of an overreaction to jump to that = she's looking for permission to throw wine in this girl's face, be catty, or "have a go with her". I mean, wut? 

MissKittyDanger

southernbelle0915 said:

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I honestly think this is assuming a LOT. Depending on where she's located, $50 for hair and $50 for make-up may very well be the market rate. 

Given the way she handled this individual, waiting for the friend to offer, offering to pay, telling her she preferred to just let her be a guest...why is the assumption that she handled her other friends (officiant, cake baker, bartender) any differently. Isn't that how we advise couples to handle friends as helpers? Wait til they offer, offer to pay them fair market value, and ensure they know it's ok to "just be a guest"? 

As far as what she wants out of this post, she's basically just like "I've apologized, I've given her space...anything else I should do? ILs are mad at her and I want her to feel welcome at the next family gathering." It's a bit of an overreaction to jump to that = she's looking for permission to throw wine in this girl's face, be catty, or "have a go with her". I mean, wut? 

I agree.
Two of my BM's offered their services. When I offered to pay {when they offered their services} one did it as a wedding gift and the other did it because she wanted to.

I think assuming someone will do it is rude, but asking and offering payment is still okay.

LondonLisa

MissKittyDanger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I honestly think this is assuming a LOT. Depending on where she's located, $50 for hair and $50 for make-up may very well be the market rate. 

Given the way she handled this individual, waiting for the friend to offer, offering to pay, telling her she preferred to just let her be a guest...why is the assumption that she handled her other friends (officiant, cake baker, bartender) any differently. Isn't that how we advise couples to handle friends as helpers? Wait til they offer, offer to pay them fair market value, and ensure they know it's ok to "just be a guest"? 

As far as what she wants out of this post, she's basically just like "I've apologized, I've given her space...anything else I should do? ILs are mad at her and I want her to feel welcome at the next family gathering." It's a bit of an overreaction to jump to that = she's looking for permission to throw wine in this girl's face, be catty, or "have a go with her". I mean, wut? 

I agree.
Two of my BM's offered their services. When I offered to pay {when they offered their services} one did it as a wedding gift and the other did it because she wanted to.

I think assuming someone will do it is rude, but asking and offering payment is still okay.

I think it is fair to assess that when you have your hair, makeup, officiant, cake baker, bartender who are all 'freinds doing you a favour', you have to have very different expectations than if you are paying a professional for a strictly commercial transaction. 

I'm not saying its inherently rude, but one should never have a friend do something for their wedding that is really important to them. 

There are methods of redress for getting money back from professionals you hire. A friend, not so much. I am not saying the MUA is faultless- far from it. But there is a reason why there is the addage of 'don't do business with friends'. 

MissKittyDanger

LondonLisa said:

MissKittyDanger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I honestly think this is assuming a LOT. Depending on where she's located, $50 for hair and $50 for make-up may very well be the market rate. 

Given the way she handled this individual, waiting for the friend to offer, offering to pay, telling her she preferred to just let her be a guest...why is the assumption that she handled her other friends (officiant, cake baker, bartender) any differently. Isn't that how we advise couples to handle friends as helpers? Wait til they offer, offer to pay them fair market value, and ensure they know it's ok to "just be a guest"? 

As far as what she wants out of this post, she's basically just like "I've apologized, I've given her space...anything else I should do? ILs are mad at her and I want her to feel welcome at the next family gathering." It's a bit of an overreaction to jump to that = she's looking for permission to throw wine in this girl's face, be catty, or "have a go with her". I mean, wut? 

I agree.
Two of my BM's offered their services. When I offered to pay {when they offered their services} one did it as a wedding gift and the other did it because she wanted to.

I think assuming someone will do it is rude, but asking and offering payment is still okay.

I think it is fair to assess that when you have your hair, makeup, officiant, cake baker, bartender who are all 'freinds doing you a favour', you have to have very different expectations than if you are paying a professional for a strictly commercial transaction. 

I'm not saying its inherently rude, but one should never have a friend do something for their wedding that is really important to them. 

There are methods of redress for getting money back from professionals you hire. A friend, not so much. I am not saying the MUA is faultless- far from it. But there is a reason why there is the addage of 'don't do business with friends'. 

Maybe in some cases it's different. My friend/BM who did my hair, is my regular hairstylist. She does it as a profession and knows my hair, so I felt comfortable that she would be professional as well.

southernbelle0915

LondonLisa said:

MissKittyDanger said:

southernbelle0915 said:

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I honestly think this is assuming a LOT. Depending on where she's located, $50 for hair and $50 for make-up may very well be the market rate. 

Given the way she handled this individual, waiting for the friend to offer, offering to pay, telling her she preferred to just let her be a guest...why is the assumption that she handled her other friends (officiant, cake baker, bartender) any differently. Isn't that how we advise couples to handle friends as helpers? Wait til they offer, offer to pay them fair market value, and ensure they know it's ok to "just be a guest"? 

As far as what she wants out of this post, she's basically just like "I've apologized, I've given her space...anything else I should do? ILs are mad at her and I want her to feel welcome at the next family gathering." It's a bit of an overreaction to jump to that = she's looking for permission to throw wine in this girl's face, be catty, or "have a go with her". I mean, wut? 

I agree.
Two of my BM's offered their services. When I offered to pay {when they offered their services} one did it as a wedding gift and the other did it because she wanted to.

I think assuming someone will do it is rude, but asking and offering payment is still okay.

I think it is fair to assess that when you have your hair, makeup, officiant, cake baker, bartender who are all 'freinds doing you a favour', you have to have very different expectations than if you are paying a professional for a strictly commercial transaction. 

I'm not saying its inherently rude, but one should never have a friend do something for their wedding that is really important to them. 

There are methods of redress for getting money back from professionals you hire. A friend, not so much. I am not saying the MUA is faultless- far from it. But there is a reason why there is the addage of 'don't do business with friends'. 

To the first bolded, I don't think it's having your expectations too high that people would follow through on what they said they'd do. Especially friends who offer (without being voluntold) to do something. The BIL's gf literally punished the bride for being 10 minutes late to her rehearsal by standing her up on her wedding day. Even if you went in with low expectations (like the quality wouldn't be as good, or you might not get the exact style you wanted), that turn of events would be a surprise. 

To the second bolded, you literally said "You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do." - which I agree with, IF they "make" them work. But this couple didn't.

Everything in OP's posts says "it was stressful and I'm annoyed but we figured it out, what's done is done and now I'm looking for ways to make her feel welcome at family gatherings now that the family is pissed at her for this." I just think it's a big leap that the takeaway from that is that she's asking for permission to douse someone with wine or fight her.

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

I didn't make anyone work my wedding, I work in the service industry, as do a lot of my friends and family, and they offered. 
The friend who made our desserts is an executive pastry chef that I used to work with.
the officiant is a family friend, and the best mans dad me has known the groom since he was 4. 
The bartender was a bartender who works at my favorite bar and offered to work the wedding for us. 

Im not asking for permission to be rude to her, I'm asking for advice on how to approach the topic when I see her next and make sure she feels welcome at family events, despite he rest of the family being upset with her. I dont want her to feel bad and alienate herself from all of us because she doesn't feel welcome. 

[Deleted User]

LondonLisa said:

You made close friends and family members work your wedding. One of the rudest things a bride can do. If this is the worst thing that happened to you, consider yourself lucky. 

What do you want from us? Permission to throw your glass of wine in her face? To sit in the corner giving her the stink eye and gossping? Have a right go at her over the condiments station? It's not going to happen.

My suggestion is drink the wine and chill out.


Oh, and apologise profusely to all your 'mates' that you made work your wedding and pay them the market rate.

And I did pay all of them.