Unwanted 'fan'
I need counsel how to deal with a persistently creepy colleague in the arts community who styles himself my “fan.” Happily, I don’t have to see him daily, but he sends me regular (unanswered!) emails and messages that make my skin crawl. Part of the trouble is that they aren’t exactly creepy stalker emails; he is trying to make it seem like an ongoing, two-sided conversation and an appeal to our shared artistic interests—and there are people in our circle who seem fine with him.
Recently, he has begun to use my professional achievements as pretexts to make contact and seems to be trying to force a response. For instance, after congratulating me in person for a promotion in a sexist way, he sent me a lengthy email explaining why he was perfectly in the right. (I had never mentioned my pique to him; in fact, I seldom engage with him in any way.) Here’s a sample:
I suppose I imagined that I am (and here I’ll cautiously opt for a term conveying banality) a “fan.” I don’t think I’ve ever hidden my interest or admiration. Besides finding myself particularly susceptible to your beauty, our conversations (though very infrequent) always feel light and pleasing—delightful, in the mildest of terms. Of course, as human beings, I know we are all rather awful in one way or another, and that will be as true of you as me or anyone else ... and considering that, in our vulnerability and foolishness we so frequently misrepresent ourselves and misrepresent others (I am certainly guilty of all too often seeing and then unfairly concentrating upon the negative shadows of self that others attempt to hide) given that I know how difficult communication is at the best of times, I should probably have simply called you by your first name.
Prudie, I just want you to give me a screed to send to this guy! If you don’t think I should respond in that way (or in any way), though, I would be grateful for your thoughts.
—Not a Fan
Re: Unwanted 'fan'
Your repeated emails make me uncomfortable. While I appreciate your fondness for my work, I do not wish to further communicate.
Thank you,
Not a Fan
That's always a tough one. You'd like to think that if she just gives him a short heads up that his attentions are not wanted, like in @DrillSergeantCat's suggestion, he will behave like a normal person and stop going out of his way to contact her. In effect, she is putting him "on notice" that she no longer wants to be contacted. Some people need that blatant bop on the head, because they just aren't picking it up from the more typical signs...such as her never replying back to any of his messages.
But then, finally eliciting a response from her...even if it is a negative one...might just encourage him. I could see where that might prompt him to then send her long and drawn out e-mails. Apologizing and explaining himself, ad naseum (sp?). Asking her "why", asking her how he can "fix it".
I feel like I just gave a politician's answer, lol.
I think I've mentioned this story before. I took a Sex Crimes class in college and one of the things we went over was stalking. My teacher was a psychologist (his specialty was sex related offenders) and often helped out the local PDs. This woman met a man at a party - so they had 1 friend in common. The man drank too much and the woman offered to drive him home. Nothing happened, but the next day the man wanted to thank the woman. So he got her address from the party host and sent the woman flowers. But it didn't stop there, he began to send her flowers all the time. The woman never responded and the man never reached out other than the flowers! The flowers just kept coming and coming. She would call the florist to tell them to stop and he would just go to a new florist. She finally contacted the police. The police consulted with my teacher. He advised that she see him in a public spot and with an officer to escort her, just in case. There she told him his advances were making her uncomfortable and that they please stop. He never sent her anything again.
Long story short, some people just need to be told there is nothing between them. I think LW should email back just once and tell him she feels uncomfortable with the emails and wishes that they stop. Bcc herself on that email as well. She should then block his emails or send them to a folder, so if something escalates, she has some proof of his emails.
She should also alert people who may be in charge of events she will attend and let them know about this guy and how she wishes to not come into contact with him.
Honestly, I would go down to the police station right now, with all the saved emails and my response in tow, and just file some paperwork. I know it would be annoying for everyone involved, but that way if he does continue (does anyone believe that he really would stop? I don't) there is already a paper trail started. When it comes to cases like this, that can mean the difference between the police taking something seriously or not.
Exactly this ^^^^.
That sample the LW provided felt a little too "future serial killer" to me.
I mean I agree, but unless he's threatening her, or it has reached the level of harassment there isn't much police can do. And if she does engage/interact with him at work/community events it complicates it even more.
The only way I would communicate with him that I was going to block access was through a mutual acquaintance that I trusted to tell him, "Varuna is uncomfortable with your messages. You should stop that."
Then, I would simply block all access at this point. I can't even figure out WTF that last e-mail is supposed to mean and it feels pointedly aggressive and creepy to me. I'd file whatever complaint I needed to with the police as well.
This is where I am.... in theory, it's on thing to say "CALL THE POLICE!" but there's literally nothing they can do about this. It's not threatening (at all). It's just weird. And she has to work with this guy. The stakes are little higher complaining to the police (who can't do anything) about your co-worker.
Also, I would NOT want to "cry wolf" where the police don't think I understand when to actually involve them....and then if I actually did need them, for them to be like "oh, it's that girl who thing odd emails are a police matter. Please hold."
I'm going to give my HR analogy that isn't the same thing, but (to me) it is the same idea.
Sexual harassment is wrong. Check. Obvious "quid pro quo" sexual harassment is wrong without anyone having to tell the offender it is wrong, ie "if you sleep with me, I'll give you a promotion".
But a lot of sexual or even other harassment falls into much grayer areas. Hypothetical example. My coworker tells dirty jokes that make me uncomfortable. But I never tell him they make me uncomfortable. That is not sexual harassment. Because 99% of other people might not be offended by his jokes. But I'm the 1% who is. However, as soon as I tell him...or tell HR/management to tell him...about the discomfort. Now he's on notice. Now he needs to stop. And, only if he doesn't abide by that, does it become a harassment issue.
That's while I just said to start the paperwork and file a report, not specifically that LW should state that this person is threatening her. I had a very loosely similar experience, and after telling the person to stop when they didn't after a few weeks I went to the police. Since it was my first complaint, they said they wouldn't be able to do anything because I can't prove it was ongoing- despite having a few weeks worth of evidence that it was and they only time I engaged was telling the person to stop. It wasn't until I visited for the 3rd time with the same issue a few weeks later that they finally went "OK you've complained enough we will start something". I don't know if that is how it is supposed to operate but it definitely was on me to get enough paperwork in the system before they "could" do anything.