Porn reconciliation

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
I used to be very porn-positive before having children. After giving birth it was like a switch was flipped, and I went from enjoying it to being disgusted by it. So now I just don’t watch it, but it’s bleeding into my feelings about my husband’s relationship with it. It makes me tremble and turns my stomach, and I’m constantly in fear of stumbling upon him while he’s watching it. I know that the problem is mine, that I have to change my own reaction and can’t change his consumption, so how do I begin to do that?

—Suddenly Porn-Negative

DrillSergeantCat

"H, I know I didn't used to have an issue with porn, but since having our baby, I do. It makes me uncomfortable when you watch. I don't expect you to change your habits, but would appreciate if you make an effort to ensure I don't see it."

short+sassy

DrillSergeantCat said:

"H, I know I didn't used to have an issue with porn, but since having our baby, I do. It makes me uncomfortable when you watch. I don't expect you to change your habits, but would appreciate if you make an effort to ensure I don't see it."

I appreciate that the LW sees this as her problem.  I think she should discuss her new feelings on porn with her H.  So he understands how much it distresses her while, at the same time, she realizes this is her issue and is certainly not asking for anything unreasonable like "no porn".  But that her biggest fear is stumbling on him watching it so, "Please do your best to make sure that doesn't happen."

I would also suggest that a few counseling sessions might be helpful.  Just to give her some tools on how to best manage her feelings on this matter.  Maybe explore more of "why" porn now bothers her.  What changed.

DrillSergeantCat

@short+sassy I'd bet they have a daughter now and she is empathizing with the fact that that is someone's little girl. 

charlotte989875

A little introspection about why the sudden change is in order. But that's also a pretty significant reaction (trembling at the thought of potential porn?) and sounds like a counselor might be useful. 

MissKittyDanger

DrillSergeantCat said:

@short+sassy I'd bet they have a daughter now and she is empathizing with the fact that that is someone's little girl. 

I was just thinking this.

short+sassy

MissKittyDanger said:

DrillSergeantCat said:

@short+sassy I'd bet they have a daughter now and she is empathizing with the fact that that is someone's little girl. 

I was just thinking this.

That would be my guess also.  But our brains can be a funny thing and what seems like the obvious connection, might not be it or might not be all of it.