Wedding Woes

Me vs. my mom and social media

Dear Prudence,
My husband and I are expecting our first baby and are happy to share the news with family and friends, but not the world at large. My husband has an unbalanced ex-wife who stalked both of us while we were dating until we got a restraining order—which she violated when she showed up at our wedding uninvited in a white dress. She found out where the ceremony was by sending friend requests to our older, less tech-savvy relatives and getting the details from them. We have since moved states and jobs, and haven’t heard from her in two years, but I am still terrified. She was childless and delusional, and I still have nightmares about waking up to an empty crib or being attacked.

My problem is my mother, who posts everything on Facebook, including my pregnancy announcement. She deleted it after I freaked out, but she’s unhappy with my general policy of not wanting to post anything online about my as-yet-unborn child. I plan to mail physical photos of my baby to our family and close friends when the time comes, but my mother brings up all of her friends who posts photos online of their grandchildren all the time. She says I am worried over nothing and it’s draining to argue with her. My husband is ready to ban her from visiting altogether, but I want my mom with me when my baby is born. How can I get this across to her?

—Pregnancy Pause

Re: Me vs. my mom and social media

  • Luckily, FB has setting where even if mom shares a post it will only be visible to LW's friends.

    I don't have a stalker or a child but I don't like to post things on FB. It annoys me when my MIL posts pictures I send her of the dog. It has affected how many I send her, tbh.
    JediElizabeth
  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I think explaining the situation clearly and allowing her to message pictures. My cousin had a similar issue with his granddaughter (he never posted on line since he understood from the beginning that the parents were against it). He could text me pictures of her though. It worked well.
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomOurWildKingdom
  • I think the OP needs to take the approach to her mom that she'll happily email or share the photos with her directly but she doesn't want them shared on social media.

    I'd try to make that as a decent compromise.   Plenty of people don't allow photos of their kids posted on social media for a number of reasons. 

    I think the OP also has to be very clear with her mom about the nature of the issue here and she has to be firm with the reasons that she has this fear.

    If the two can't come to an agreement that the LW finds acceptable then the GMTB is going to find herself in a pickle as far as access to kids goes.   Once you are a functioning grown up, you generally don't take kindly to your parents ignoring your valid requests. 
    SP29OurWildKingdomkimmiinthemitten
  • "With online security being an, I'd rather not put my child out there."
    *insert anything that would scare the mother*

    Also if she posts anything, you can change the privacy settings so you can't be tagged in anything without permission. That way it doesn't actually show up on your name unless it's been 'approved'

    Curious, if LW's H has a stalker - why is she risking herself to being online? Change settings. Make a fake profile.
    short+sassy
  • I'm not sure I could compromise on Mom with this.  If she's not that FB savvy, it's easy to accidentally change posts from friends to public.  Blocking profiles doesn't necessarily help if Mom isn't savvy enough to vet profiles of people she doesn't know (I've had someone create 3 fake profiles to try and get to me).  And I really can't understand why Mom is doubling down on this after (presumably) seeing ex show up at wedding in white gown.  

    And really, if there is some grandparent out there who would be all, "why don't you share?!?", I think, "Well my daughter was stalked by her husband's ex in such and such manner, so we're protecting their privacy," would go a long ways towards shutting up such nosy ass people.

    My only compromise would be to create a secret group and put mom in it and share things within the group with the caveat that it never leaves the group and if it does, she's out and all contact is cut off with child.
    short+sassyOliveOilsMomkimmiinthemitten


  • "I have a crazy stalker and I know my older relatives aren't saavy enough to respect my privacy on Facebook.....yet I still shared my pregnancy announcement on Facebook and now I'm upset that someone older/possibly not tech saavy didn't understand the impact of sharing it. I am worried my baby will be stolen. WHAT DO I DO?"


    My impression wasn't that LW posted on FB, but she did make some sort of pregnancy announcement and then Mom posted that announcement on FB.
    Heffalumpmrsconn23

  • VarunaTT said:





    "I have a crazy stalker and I know my older relatives aren't saavy enough to respect my privacy on Facebook.....yet I still shared my pregnancy announcement on Facebook and now I'm upset that someone older/possibly not tech saavy didn't understand the impact of sharing it. I am worried my baby will be stolen. WHAT DO I DO?"




    My impression wasn't that LW posted on FB, but she did make some sort of pregnancy announcement and then Mom posted that announcement on FB.


    This made me think she made an announcement on FB and set privacy from public (the world at large) to certain family and friends. Elsewhere, she uses the word "announcement" like a noun, so I'm assuming it's either a facebook post or they had cards made up and mailed out (not very common these days). Again, possibly assumptions, but what I drew from it.

    mrsconn23 said:

    Dear Prudence,
    ...happy to share the news with family and friends, but not the world at large....




    *********************************************************************************

    image
  • Ro041Ro041 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I find it fascinating in general when parents choose not to (or choose to) keep their kids' privacy online.  One day, these children will be adults who may not have wanted pics of them on their parents' social media.  I am not saying that any parent is wrong for sharing pics on their social media, but it is certainly its own consideration and I know a number of parents who have chosen not to share ANYTHING about their kids online because they want their children to have a social media presence only after they are old enough to consent to it.  

      

    VarunaTTahoyweddingJediElizabeth
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    DH's aunt is the sort of person who likes to show off. "Look how wonderful and cute MY grandchildren are!" She wants the likes on her grandchild's pictures. I could kind of see her doing this.

    Regardless, it's not her call. She needs to mourn the lost source of attention, and go along with LW's totally reasonable request. LW can set the boundaries up such that if mom really can't stop herself from sharing pictures she gets, she loses picture privileges.
    OliveOilsMomshort+sassycharlotte989875SP29
  • M's aunt lives across country from her daughter, her husband and their child. They post pictures often of their grandson without tagging her and I'm assuming with permission.

    If LW's mother wants to post pictures and LW wants to find a compromise, that could be an option. Just don't tag anyone in it so it doesn't link to LW's fb page.
    Side note: I would be surprised if LW went for a compromise like this because it sounds like she should seriously just get off facebook.


  • DH's aunt is the sort of person who likes to show off. "Look how wonderful and cute MY grandchildren are!" She wants the likes on her grandchild's pictures. I could kind of see her doing this.

    Regardless, it's not her call. She needs to mourn the lost source of attention, and go along with LW's totally reasonable request. LW can set the boundaries up such that if mom really can't stop herself from sharing pictures she gets, she loses picture privileges.


    I think this is one of the reasons I find the grandmother's actions so offensive.  There is NO reason she needs to post her grandchild's future pics or talk about them at all...except to garner attention for herself.  And I'm not disparaging having those feelings.  Most grandparents do.  But NOT at the expense of going against the parent's wishes and...who knows...potentially causing the crazy ex to rear her ugly head again.  Getting wind of her ex-husband having a child is just the kind of thing that could prompt a resurgence of her stalking.

    I also agree with the other PPs.  It doesn't even MATTER that there is the potential for a stalker.  There are lots of parents who just don't want their children on social media.  And that is solely their call.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
    charlotte989875sparklepants41
  • I think it's up to the parents. They decide not the grandmother. But I do think if the rule is no social media photos then the parents need to practice what they preach. 
    short+sassyOurWildKingdom
Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards