Say something or let it go?

mrsconn23

Dear Prudence,
When I was 10 years old, my younger sister and I were molested by an older boy whose family was good friends with ours. I didn’t tell my parents and suffered intense guilt for years, believing it was my fault. My sister found the courage to tell our parents five years later. Our church community didn’t believe us—until that boy tried to rape the pastor’s teenage daughter later. He went to jail and we moved on with our lives. One month ago Facebook suggested this same man as a possible friend on the “People you may know section.” Morbidly curious, I click on his page, which wasn’t set to private, and I saw pictures of him with the girl he is dating, along with her young son.

Do I send this woman a Facebook message and tell her what happened? She will probably think I am some crazy person making up lies. But I would absolutely want to know if my own boyfriend had a history of molesting children, especially if I had a child of my own. I don’t plan on following this guy for the rest of his life and warning prospective girlfriends, but now that I know what I know, I don’t want her innocent child to go through what my sister and I did. We survived and turned out OK, but this little boy may not be so lucky. What do I do?

—Do I Warn Her?

DrillSergeantCat

I'd assume his record is public record. Hopefully, she googled him like any modern woman in her right mind would do. 

apollymi

Agree, I would let it go. Who's to say this woman doesn't already know of his past? Doesn't seem like the writers place to bring it up to her. Since he was convicted in the past, this will be on his public record and hopefully his new GF figured it out on her own.

missJeanLouise

Public record unless he was a minor when the assault occurred. 

charlotte989875

Assuming he has a public record, let her find it. 

southernbelle0915

Actually I'll go against the grain here since it involves the welfare and safety of children.

If it were me, I would create a fake facebook account and DM this girl. If she decides not to act, then it's on her and at least LW did what she could to help the woman with a child make an informed decision. 

I don't search criminal history or google everyone I meet or become friends with these days. I really don't. Maybe that's on me, but I don't know many people who do. There's a strong possibility this woman has no idea. 

MissKittyDanger

southernbelle0915 said:

Actually I'll go against the grain here since it involves the welfare and safety of children.

If it were me, I would create a fake facebook account and DM this girl. If she decides not to act, then it's on her and at least LW did what she could to help the woman with a child make an informed decision. 

I don't search criminal history or google everyone I meet or become friends with these days. I really don't. Maybe that's on me, but I don't know many people who do. There's a strong possibility this woman has no idea. 

I'm gonna agree. Maybe LW should leave the bread crumb trail so this woman can look up information she may not know, but LW can just hint and suggest without straight out saying anything.

VarunaTT

southernbelle0915 said:

Actually I'll go against the grain here since it involves the welfare and safety of children.

If it were me, I would create a fake facebook account and DM this girl. If she decides not to act, then it's on her and at least LW did what she could to help the woman with a child make an informed decision. 

I don't search criminal history or google everyone I meet or become friends with these days. I really don't. Maybe that's on me, but I don't know many people who do. There's a strong possibility this woman has no idea. 

This is what I'd do too.  B/c the "what if" here is really horrible and I'd rather live with guilt of maybe breaking someone up or revealing horrible information than guilt over not telling and him committing the same crime.

apollymi

I would be scared if I were her, that the man would retaliate if I brought it up to his GF. (I guess creating a fake FB account could solve this, like @southernbelle0915 said) And if she helps this woman, is she going to keep doing this with every woman this guy is with? She was also sexually abused by this man, I don't think this can be good for her healing process.

DrillSergeantCat

I really am on the fence about this one. On one hand, I would worry about him repeating his actions and would want to say something. At the same time, it's unhealthy for LW to obsess about this. Like @Apollymi said, is she going to do this every time he finds a new girlfriend? At what point does it become harassment on LW's part? 

If LW has any documentation, I think I'd snail mail it anonymously, but Facebook messages are too easy to ignore.

charlotte989875

So he went to jail. He didn't something absolutely horrendous and went to jail. There's no proof he's doing it again. I think mailing old documents or even sending a message is not okay. 

ETA: its possible (probable) he's on an offender registry, has a parole officer, or other mintoring system assigned. I think this only goes badly for the LW if she reaches out. 

short+sassy

I almost hate to even say this.  Because, yes, in a perfect world it would be GREAT for this woman...for every person this guy even meets...to know about his past.  But another reason I don't think the LW should contact the mother is because her child is a male and probably not a potential victim.  Not always, but even child molesters have their preferences.  Often related to gender and/or age.

Warning: awful and sad story about an acquaintance.  There was a friend of a friend.  Who'd I met a few times at parties and get-togethers.  She had a 12-year-old and a 17-year-old daughter (at the time).  She had met and married their stepfather about 6 years earlier.  About a year after I met her, it came out that he had been molesting the 12-year-old. from about the age of 11.  Because "female tweens" was his preference.  Thankfully, he never molested the older daughter.  My friend and I could only guess it was because she was the right "age" fairly early in the relationship, but also had a more confident and assertive personality than her sister.  Maybe those two factors made her too "risky" in getting caught, to molest.

Although there is no way for me to know this for sure, I also found it so chilling that the "set-up" for this abuse was probably pre-meditated years earlier.  When this man got involved with a woman who had two daughters. 

kimmiinthemitten

I'm just now catching up on Prudie.  In Michigan, registered sex offenders aren't allowed to have social media accounts.  If I was his victim, and his presence crossed mine again due to a violation of state law, I would report that to the state.  

She deserves to live in a world free from him, and if there is any negative consequence for violating probation, such as his girlfriend finding out, it is only his own fault.

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just now catching up on Prudie.  In Michigan, registered sex offenders aren't allowed to have social media accounts.  If I was his victim, and his presence crossed mine again due to a violation of state law, I would report that to the state.  

She deserves to live in a world free from him, and if there is any negative consequence for violating probation, such as his girlfriend finding out, it is only his own fault.

The SC just struck down NCs law prohibiting sex offenders to have a social media profile, wonder if the MI law will end. 

kimmiinthemitten

charlotte989875 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just now catching up on Prudie.  In Michigan, registered sex offenders aren't allowed to have social media accounts.  If I was his victim, and his presence crossed mine again due to a violation of state law, I would report that to the state.  

She deserves to live in a world free from him, and if there is any negative consequence for violating probation, such as his girlfriend finding out, it is only his own fault.

The SC just struck down NCs law prohibiting sex offenders to have a social media profile, wonder if the MI law will end. 

What was the reasoning?

JediElizabeth

charlotte989875 said:

So he went to jail. He didn't something absolutely horrendous and went to jail. There's no proof he's doing it again. I think mailing old documents or even sending a message is not okay. 

ETA: its possible (probable) he's on an offender registry, has a parole officer, or other mintoring system assigned. I think this only goes badly for the LW if she reaches out. 

A multiple offender is extremely likely to offend again. We're not talking about someone who robbed a store but is unlikely to offend again unless he's desperate for money. He raped or tried to rape multiple children. There's at least a coin toss's chance that he'll offend again, if given the chance and if he thinks he can get away with it.

I agree with contacting her anonymously, either by fake FB account or by snail mail.

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

charlotte989875 said:

kimmiinthemitten said:

I'm just now catching up on Prudie.  In Michigan, registered sex offenders aren't allowed to have social media accounts.  If I was his victim, and his presence crossed mine again due to a violation of state law, I would report that to the state.  

She deserves to live in a world free from him, and if there is any negative consequence for violating probation, such as his girlfriend finding out, it is only his own fault.

The SC just struck down NCs law prohibiting sex offenders to have a social media profile, wonder if the MI law will end. 

What was the reasoning?

First Amendment rights to speech. The NC law barred all registered offenders from having social media proteins and the court said this broad brush violated rights to speech because everyone should have a right to places where they can speak and hear different viewpoints, including the internet and major social networking sites. The opinion did say states could make narrowly tailored laws (say if an offenders crime included online solicitation) but that barring all offenders from social media violated their first amendment rights. 

kimmiinthemitten

It looks like Michigan preemptively changed their policy:

Tier 1 offenders include those convicted of possession of child pornography, aggravated indecent exposure if it is witnessed by someone under 18, misdemeanor sexual touching if the victim is under 18, and taking photos of an unclothed person if that person is under 18. All Tier 1 offenders must register with police once a year for 15 years.

Tier 2 Soliciting minors for sex, distributing child pornography, using the Internet to seek out children for sex, sexual touching if the victim is between 13 and 17 years of age, and soliciting a prostitute under the age of 18. These offenders must register twice a year with police for 25 years.

Tier 3 offenders include those convicted of rape, attempted rape, molesting a child under the age of 13, and kidnapping a minor, even if there is no sexual component to the crime. The offenders must report four times a year for life.

Those on the list face strict reporting requirements or face going back to jail or prison. They must report within three business days changes in addresses and employment, new school enrollment, and the purchase or sale of a car. They also must report e-mail addresses and screen names.

Offenders also are prohibited from working, living or loitering within 1,000 feet of a school, although that restriction was recently deemed unconstitutional.

TrixieJess

As a mother, I would want someone to reach out to me. Yes, I would probably curse myself for not being careful, but my child's wellbeing comes first.

Moppet82

short+sassy said:

I almost hate to even say this.  Because, yes, in a perfect world it would be GREAT for this woman...for every person this guy even meets...to know about his past.  But another reason I don't think the LW should contact the mother is because her child is a male and probably not a potential victim.  Not always, but even child molesters have their preferences.  Often related to gender and/or age.

Warning: awful and sad story about an acquaintance.  There was a friend of a friend.  Who'd I met a few times at parties and get-togethers.  She had a 12-year-old and a 17-year-old daughter (at the time).  She had met and married their stepfather about 6 years earlier.  About a year after I met her, it came out that he had been molesting the 12-year-old. from about the age of 11.  Because "female tweens" was his preference.  Thankfully, he never molested the older daughter.  My friend and I could only guess it was because she was the right "age" fairly early in the relationship, but also had a more confident and assertive personality than her sister.  Maybe those two factors made her too "risky" in getting caught, to molest.

Although there is no way for me to know this for sure, I also found it so chilling that the "set-up" for this abuse was probably pre-meditated years earlier.  When this man got involved with a woman who had two daughters. 

The wife could have nieces or friends with daughters who could be at risk while in his presence.

Alerting the mother could prevent the horrific ramifications of a child being abused. IMO, this is a no-brainer.

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

It looks like Michigan preemptively changed their policy:

Tier 1 offenders include those convicted of possession of child pornography, aggravated indecent exposure if it is witnessed by someone under 18, misdemeanor sexual touching if the victim is under 18, and taking photos of an unclothed person if that person is under 18. All Tier 1 offenders must register with police once a year for 15 years.

Tier 2 Soliciting minors for sex, distributing child pornography, using the Internet to seek out children for sex, sexual touching if the victim is between 13 and 17 years of age, and soliciting a prostitute under the age of 18. These offenders must register twice a year with police for 25 years.

Tier 3 offenders include those convicted of rape, attempted rape, molesting a child under the age of 13, and kidnapping a minor, even if there is no sexual component to the crime. The offenders must report four times a year for life.

Those on the list face strict reporting requirements or face going back to jail or prison. They must report within three business days changes in addresses and employment, new school enrollment, and the purchase or sale of a car. They also must report e-mail addresses and screen names.

Offenders also are prohibited from working, living or loitering within 1,000 feet of a school, although that restriction was recently deemed unconstitutional.

Are all 3 tiers barred from social media sites? 

kimmiinthemitten

@charlotte989875

If the crime is listed in the tiers, then they're on the registry and they have to report emails and usernames as long as they're reporting to the registry.   So 15 years for Tier 1, life for Tier 3.

charlotte989875

kimmiinthemitten said:

@charlotte989875

If the crime is listed in the tiers, then they're on the registry and they have to report emails and usernames as long as they're reporting to the registry.   So 15 years for Tier 1, life for Tier 3.

But they can use the sites as long as they report names? Interesting. I'm guessing the Court would say that's fine as long as it isn't banning people from using sites in general, or banning tiers that involved online/internet related crimes. So many questions.