Wedding Party

Dealing with FMIL

knottie053332b42ad3cc78knottie053332b42ad3cc78 Burlington, Ontario member
First Comment
So my FMIL has been pretty negative since we got engaged. It's extremely draining. 
She's been negative about almost everything from guest list, to bridesmaid dress lengths, to decoration ideas. Her two main issues are: 

- That we are inviting his dad's wife to the wedding (who she doesn't like but who has always been super support of our relationship)
- That my FSIL is not a bridesmaid. (She and I are fine overall.. but she's actually quite rude to me and likes to be the center of attention)

I've basically been given a choice of make the Sister a bridesmaid and the dad's wife can come. or don't make the sister a bridesmaid and the dad's wife can't come. 

I don't really know what to do to try and keep my future mother in law happy. I feel like this is impossible and at this point have to then boot out one of my close girlfriends from the bridal party. 

Can I just get some feedback?

Re: Dealing with FMIL

  • knottie053332b42ad3cc78knottie053332b42ad3cc78 Burlington, Ontario member
    First Comment


    Even if your FMIL is paying for your wedding (is she?), this is an area she doesn't get to dictate. You can't not invite your FFIL's wife. And she doesn't get to dictate your wedding party. 

    If it's so important she be included in the wedding party, she can stand up on your FI's side. 

    And where is your FI in all this? HE needs to be the one to tell her that his dad's wife is invited, and that she is not allowed to dictate who you have stand up for you. He should be the one handling this. 



    Nope - she's not paying for a thing. But neither is his dad. It's all my family or us. My FI has told me he's just tired of all the negativity and doesn't want his mum being upset (She's already told him this is going to be the worst day of his life... super manipulative.)

    I'm trying to walk this tightrope of being supportive of him and being part of his family but also wanting to keep the day about US and not his family. If I try and point out his mum is being selfish he just gets upset with me. 
  • You need to start bean dipping the hell out of her. Stop talking about your wedding and let FI deal with her.
    divarhdeileenrob
  • banana468banana468 member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer






    Even if your FMIL is paying for your wedding (is she?), this is an area she doesn't get to dictate. You can't not invite your FFIL's wife. And she doesn't get to dictate your wedding party. 

    If it's so important she be included in the wedding party, she can stand up on your FI's side. 

    And where is your FI in all this? HE needs to be the one to tell her that his dad's wife is invited, and that she is not allowed to dictate who you have stand up for you. He should be the one handling this. 





    Nope - she's not paying for a thing. But neither is his dad. It's all my family or us. My FI has told me he's just tired of all the negativity and doesn't want his mum being upset (She's already told him this is going to be the worst day of his life... super manipulative.)

    I'm trying to walk this tightrope of being supportive of him and being part of his family but also wanting to keep the day about US and not his family. If I try and point out his mum is being selfish he just gets upset with me. 


    Quite frankly, I would wait until I was calm and then I'd ask your FI, how he proposes to handle the situation in a manner that is mutually agreeable to BOTH of you.  

    You need to pick and choose battles but I would be very clear that I can't marry someone who gets angry at me when I feel like I have to defend my actions especially when we previously were in agreement.   

    His current method of conflict resolution sounds like it's make the loudest one happy.  That isn't suitable at all.
    PrettyGirlLostSP29OliveOilsMom
  • divarhddivarhd member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    Your FI needs to tell his mother to back off.  It isn't her decision who you have in your bridal party or who you invite.  She can certainly suggest or ask for invitees but she definitely cannot tell you who you can't invite.  Keeping the peace frankly isn't an option, his life is to be shared with YOU, not his mommy.
    Met: 5/4/16
    Dating: 6/21/16
    Engaged: 3/20/17
    Wedding: 3/24/18
    missfrodoInLoveInQueensSP29
  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston member
    10000 Comments 500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 5 Answers
    edited July 7
    Big red flags are popping up here.

    First, neither your attendants nor whether or not your FSMIL is invited is an issue for your FMIL to have any input into - let alone conditioning her own participation on. If your FI wants his sister to be in the wedding party, she can stand on his side-but it's not up to anyone but you whether or not she stands on yours. Nor can your FFIL's wife be excluded from a wedding invitation to him. That's just plain rude.

    Second, your FI needs to be on your side throughout both - and he should not expect you to put up with hostility and rudeness from his mother or his sister because he doesn't want to confront them. That doesn't mean he needs to get into a fight with them, by the way, but he does need to set some boundaries. His unwillingness to do so suggests that these are things you need to work through with him before you marry him. Couples' counseling could help.

    Edited to add: You might also want to consider whether security for your wedding will be necessary if your FMIL or FSIL are likely to make scenes or otherwise behave inappropriately.
  • Wow! So sorry you're dealing with that. Long story short, it's your wedding. Invite who you want and don't let her strong arm you into having a bridesmaid who isn't important to you!
  • DrillSergeantCatDrillSergeantCat Oklahoma City, OK member
    2500 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    Like @LD1970 and @InLoveInQueens have talked about, I spent 18 years being married to a man who made me force down any upset I had towards his family for the sake of everyone (read them) being happy. When my FIL called me a whale? "I'm sure he didn't mean it that way. No, I won't tell him it hurt your feelings. No, I'm not going to talk to him about it." When his sister called me fat (after just giving birth)? "You know she's crazy." When I told his stepmom "When you do things like plan C's first year of high school and ask your teacher friends to keep tabs on him and report to you, it makes me feel like you feel like we're bad parents" and this upset her so much that I was banned from their home for two weeks, my H did nothing. No...I'm sorry, he just went and saw them without me.

    There were several things that factored into my decision to leave him and the way I was made to stuff down my feelings in order to keep their peace was right at the top. 

    short+sassy
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