Chit Chat

Thank you.

thestaircasethestaircase member
Third Anniversary 10 Comments
edited October 2017 in Chit Chat
My mother abused me and belittle me throughout my whole childhood.. I didn't see my father much in my childhood, neither does my mother. My father was a businessman back in our homeland China (Shanghai). Father was rarely home, he always on business trips working to make money. And also his money was to help immigrant our whole family to America. (It not cheap to immigrant a whole family to the U.S.)
Thank you to my father, our family was able to immigrant to the U.S.
I remembered my childhood in China, whenever my mother mad at my father or mad at whatever, it "me" that she always took out her anger on. Beside belittle me, verbally abused and emotional abused me. She would grab my hair or grab the top of my head and shove my head down or shove me down to the floor, whenever she mad, taking out her anger on me. Or she would grab whatever objects that was on the table at the time aim and throw it at my head.
I remembered once out of no where she grabbed an object hat was on the table and threw it at my face. The object hit me on the side of my eyebrow, and caused a small cut on my eyebrow. I remembered I just had my hand over my eye and cried. 
I don't know what would happen if it hits right straight in my eye, I would have lost my eyesight already.
In all fairness to my mother, my mother didn't aim objects at my eyes, she usually just aim at my head or my body, but it that time that it almost hit me directly in my eye.
She said she gave birth to me so she have all the rights to hit me. There were times when she grabbed my head, closed fist and hit me in my face where my cheekbone was.
I'm used to my mother verbally and emotionally abused me. Did she grab my head and shove my head down and push me to the ground hurts? Or throw objects at my head hurts? Yes, but the physical hurt it NOTHING compared to the emotional hurt. What hurt alot was because she is my mother, but why not care for me? Why brought me to this world but then belittle me, grab my head and shove me to the ground?

I know I can't change how my mother treats me, the only thing I can do was left her house, break free from her abused. Leaving was my only choice. And I leaved, it been over a decade since I left her house. As I'm 33 now.
Regardless of how my mother treats me in my childhood or my adulthood. I always forgive my mother, and I always love my mother.. She gave birth to me, I know without her I wouldn't be here in this world. I know this and I will never forget this; she is my mother,--this fact will never change despite how she treats me. I'm here right now, my life is my mother gives me.

I got married 2.5 years ago (it was after an almost 3 years of this man day in day out courtship. Due to our very close distance, we see each others day in day out and day in day out spend time with each others, we haven't even parted a day. I thought 3 years was enough to show his patience and sincere, so I agreed to maried him). My husband treats me really really well. I'm a Stay at home Wife, he doesn't even want me to work a day as his "wife". He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to even work part time, he said why do he wants his "wife" to work? When he make enough for his wife to stay home. He said and asked that.
Married to him, he doesn't want me to work a day. He wants me to be a Stay at home Wife SAHW. And when I give him his baby wish (he really really wants us to have a baby), he wants me to continue to stay home, be a SAHMom.
He does make enough, he make 167K a year, and he Debt-Free (we both are), he very responsible with money, life is comfy for us. 
Perhaps I married a traditional man, but his views is, he said that he a "husband" and that if he can't even give me the most BASIC thing of what a husband can give a wife,--is give his wife a comfy life not have to worry about money, then he doesn't deserve to be my husband.
He secure everything from emotionally to financially so I can live a comfy life. I live a life not have to worry about a financial is all thank you to him. Everything I have right now is he gives me.
He knows all and everything about my abuse, he accept me for my everything, including my childhood abuse, and fully know my mother disapproved him, but he still chose to married me. He from another culture as me.
It already 5 years together with him, this is year 6; past or present, he always treats me really really well. He loves me in every possible way that he can, and he still love in every possible way that he can. I feel very blessed to have him as my husband.

I thought in my adulthood I can mend my relationship with my mother, but things got worst. Because my husband he is a from another culture and ethnicity as me, my mother disapproved him. My mother just won't accept him, he said she strongly disapproved him due to his ethnicity, she said it very clear it his ethnicity that she has a problem with, and it his ethnicity that is why she disapproved him.
My husband he is a 100% PURE blood Sierra Leonean, West African. His homeland (Sierra Leone, West Africa) it a small country with 6 millions population, it a tiny country. He speaks his native Sierra Leonean homeland language (the language that his ethnic group/tribe speak). 
My native language is Chinese. We don't have a common native language, but we communicate with each others in English.

The old people generation can be very rigid, and especially with the the older generations of Chinese, my mother just can't seem to accept my husband ethnicity. She said I'm no longer her daughter, I make her "LOSE FACE", and she is very Ashamed of me.
She pretty much completely cut me off, she doesn't even allow me to drive back to visit my old father. Which it her house, she owns a house in the Asian community where there alot of Asian/Chinese and older generations living there. She will make sure to remove me off her property if I show up to visit my father. She prohibit me from visit my old father.
She said she ashamed of me, ashamed of my marriage. Not only I make her lose face to the family, but also lose face to the whole Chinese community. "Face" is something very important to Chinese.

My mother always insult my husband, her comments about my husband it just so hurtful. If I write out the insulting words my mother said about my husband, I just want to dig a hole and crawl in, or put a bag over my head; yes, it that terrible and hurtful.
She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person.. NEVER once she care enough to met him. 
But then she judge him right off the bat, said beyond hurtful words about him, insulting him. She insult him when she never met him before, Not even once. How fair is that to him? 
She never give him a single chance, but then she already give him the dead sentence, just because she doesn't like his ethnicity (as she said it herself, it his ethnicity that she got a problem with and she will never accept him as a son in-law). How fair is that to him? 

I accept my life as it is. Eventhough here in a country like U.S., my mother knows she can't no longer physically abused me like how she did in my childhood back in our homeland China. But in my adulthood, she still belittle me, emotionally abused me and mentally abused me.
My mother just always said hurtful things to me, she always called me dirty, a dirty prositute. In her eyes, I'm nothing but a dirty girl.
Beside call me dirty my mother called my future children dirty. According to my mother words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.
You know it just hurts and hurts alot. When the woman who gave birth to me, bring me to this world. But belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. Said I'm dirty and full of shame.. In her eyes, I'm nothing but just a dirty and shameful girl, and a dirty prositute.
If you ever have anyone spit in your face before, you know exactly how it feels (let alone this is the woman that gave birth to you).. I'm sorry but to me spit in someone face, it is one of the worst thing that you can do to someone. I find that my mother spit in my face is worser damage (emotionally) than she slap me in my face. 
I rather she just slap me. Or like in my childhood grab my head and push me down to the ground when she mad, taking out her anger on me. The physically hurt to me it less painful than have own mother spit in my face, it just hurts and hurts.
My father never stood up for me. Eventhough my father never call me dirty, but deep down inside he probably thinks like my mother. He just doesn't want to insult me like my mother, so he rather just keep quiet. Never once my father stood up for me.

It hurts alot that my own mother is ashamed of me. She also said if she knows I grow up married a man with the ethnicity like who I married, she rather not give birth to me, because I'm just a dirty prositute. I find it really hurtful that she is my mother but she said she regrets gave birth to me.
It hurts alot that she my mom but called me 'dirty', called my future children 'dirty'. She also said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to see her.
She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't bring my dirty stomach back to see her, I'm not welcome nor is my dirty stomach. And she said after I give birth, don't bring that dirty shameful baby in her house.
My husband is dirty. My pregnant stomach is dirty, my baby will be dirty, because the baby father is dirty. It just all kinds of words to insult me. Dirty, dirty, I'm dirty, and my unborn baby is dirty.
Every words come out my mother mouth is I'm dirty, it like my mom ingrain it in my brain. I'm not dirty. I'm Married. Why is me sleep with the man that is my husband is dirty? He is my Husband! We 2.5 years into marriage, why is my future children dirty? He chose to married me, he is my husband, he is their father!

My mother, beside the abused, she is a very controlling woman. She said it clear straight in my face face, If I don't obey to her, I'm no longer her daughter.
She said it clear in our face, if me and my brother don't obey her command, we both are no longer her children. To her is about the power to Control us, we have to listen to her and obey her.
My mother just have to be able to "control" us, control her children, whether it me or my older brother.
And me married a man with an ethnicity that she disapproved, that is disobey to her, she doesn't see me as her daughter. She make it clear, I am no longer her daughter the day I married my husband.

My head and heart is very heavy, my mom gives me TREMENDOUS pressure.. I can't even see my old father, my mother will remove me from her property, as she has the rights to, she owns the house.
She won't met me visit my old father unless I sit through her lecture me and insulted me, and spit in my face. Or another option she gives me is divorce my husband, then she will let me see my father and will welcome me back as her daughter again (I know my mother purposely give me a hard time).
My mother said divorce my husband is not enough, but divorce here mean for the remainder of my life; until the day I die, I can't see his face again, under any circumstances. Until the day I die, I can't never cross path see him again.
She just so ashamed of me married to a man with an ethnicity like my husband.

My mother also curse my future children, she said if I have children with my husband--(she use a Chinese word insult my husband ethnicity), my children grow up will be prositute.. Not only my children will be prositute, but my children will spit in my husband face, their father face.
She said his children grow up will not see him as their father. And not only spit in his face, but will also hit him, as in beaten their father.
His children will be ashamed of him due to his ethnicity, too ashamed of him to see him as their father. Not only his children will be unfilial to him, but spit in his face, and also beaten him.. Even till the day my husband die, he will never see a day of his children where they will accept him as their father.
Every time I think of the words how my mother curse my children I tear up and cry.

I know the relationship between me and my mother is dead end. But I miss my father very, I want to see my father, but my mother won't let me. I don't know else can I do, I have tried everything. I have tried visit my father, but in order to be able to see my father, I have to sit through my mom lecture me and insult me, spit in my face, and listen to her hurtful words about my husband, and curse my future children.
Because I won't obey her, I won't leave my husband. She just won't let me see my father.
The only way she let me step in the house to see my father is if I sit there and let she belittle me, insult me, lecture me of how dirty I am. Sit there and hear all the hurtful words she said about my husband; her comments about my husband it just so hurtful.. Everytime I think about my mother insulting comments, I just want to dig a hole and crawl in, or put a bag over my head; yes, it that terrible and hurtful.

I don't want to be the girl that drive 1 hour on the freeway back to where my mom live, begging to see my father. And all I get is my mom lecture me, insult me, belittle me, and spit in my face. Insult me to the lowest and worsest level that she can.
Everytime I come back to see my father, I end up crying.. I know my mom just want to see me upset and cry. Perhaps she see me like this she happy, because I disobey her and married the guy she make it very clear that she disapproved.

I feel that my father is also ashamed of me, but I want to save whatever I have left with my father. I'm grasping at anything that I can grasp, hoping in vain that still have my father--I didn't lost my father too; at least I still have a father that care me. But my father doesn't care for me, I feel that my father is also ashamed of me.
Because not only my father know my cell phone # and never once he call me. What really hurt is when I visited, my mom lectured me, insulted me, and my father just walked straight into his room; just leave me out there in the living room let my mom continue insult me and lecture me. You don't know how hopeless I feel at that time. My father just leave me there in the living room with my mom, NEVER once he stood up for me.
It already clear where he stands, I KNOW this, but somehow I just can't seem to accept it. I just can't seem to accept the fact that even my own father abandon me too.

I don't know why my life is like this. I'm not an orphant. Why both my parents ashamed of me and not care for me? I'm their birth daughter, it not like they pick me up from an orphanage, why treats me this way?
My parent treast me like I'm some kind of disease. Why my parents treats me like this? Why?

I know my mom doesn't care for me, but what hurt so much is even my own father also doesn't care for me nor bother to step up for me.
My father have my cell phone # and NEVER once he bother call me.. On Chinese New Year I wait and wait hope my father will call me, but nothing. I know my mom hate me, but why my father hate me too? Eventhough my father doesn't insult or me flat out say the word he 'disown' me. But him have my cell phone # and never once call me, never once stood up for me, it clear that he also mind my marriage. Perhaps inside my father also think I'm dirty, he just doesn't want to insult me like how my mom did.
Why my father have my cell phone # but never call me? Why never stood up for me when my mom insult me? Deep down inside I know he is ashamed of me too, he just doesn't want to insult me like how my mother does.
Father's Day was a week ago, I miss and want to see my father, but I know my mom just won't let me. Unless I subject myself to her emotionally and verbally buse, then she let me see my father. I know my mom purposely give me pressure so I can leave my husband, but I don't want to leave my husband, why she keeps force me?

My father never phone me. Thanksgiving, Christmas, western New year and Chinese New Year passed, he never called me. And then Mother's Day passed, then Father's Day passed. And he never call me.. It clear where my father stand. I know this, I just can't seem to accept that I lost my father too.
I know my mother said it very clear straight in my face face, If I don't listen to her, I'm no longer her daughter.
I know I disobey my mother for married a man she disapproved, I'm an unfilial daughter, and I only have myself to blame. I know both my parents are ashamed of me, I know I already lost my mother a long time ago. In fact, I don't think I ever have my mother at all, my mother never love me.
I'm just hoping in vain that I still have my father that I still at least have a father that love me. But seem like I lost him too. It just hurts so much, it just hurts and hurts.

I'm sorry, I know it long and I'm rambling. I'm not good with wording. And I don't think before I talk. I always write straight out what in my brain, and my thoughts are scatter everywhere. I'm struggling strungle alot. My heart and head is very heavy. Everything about my mother and me it very very on my heart, it like a big rock mountain put on my chest. I know my childhood will follow me for the rest of my life.
I know I have alot to work through, especially the whole thing between me and my mother. I know I'm not ready to be a mom, the whole strain relationship between me and my mother is still heavy on my head.

My husband always wanted us to have a baby. It is "Me" that not ready to have a baby yet. 
He said he loves me, he married me; I'm his "wife"--IF I don't give him a baby, then who will? He said that, and he said he will wait for me till I'm ready.
He said there only one woman can call him "husband", and there only one woman can bear his children; and that woman is the woman he chose to married to--his wife.. And he only wanted the woman that is his 'wife' to bear his children.
My husband really want us to have a baby, if it was up to him, he doesn't want me to take birth control pills, he wants me to get off my birth control pills and let nature take it course.
But it me that not ready to be a mom yet, so what can he do. So he said he wait for me until I'm ready to give him his baby wish.

We got married 2.5 years ago, so perhaps it time to have a baby. I just turn 33, my husband is 31 (he one year and couple months younger than me). For a man, age 31 is still young and he is at the prime age of his life. But me at the age 33, my child bearing age is not young anymore. 
My plan was wait till 35 and then TTC and have a baby. There things in my life that I need to work on, especially the strain relationship between me and my mother in my adulthood, and her abuse me throughout my whole childhood.
I wanted to wait 2 more years then TTC, but now at the age of 33, whether I'm ready or not, (I'm pregnant) I'm going to be a mom. I guess it not that earlier than I expected, but it still earlier than I expected.

Here are my pregnancy tests pics below, that I took 3 weeks ago. I took it 5 days straight in a row, I pee on about 20 Dollar Tree cheapie tests and one digital, and it ALL positive, regardless of when I took it or how many tests I took it, I have a clear dark line every.single.time I tested. The positive line is clear, I didn't even have to squint my eyes to see the line. I'm pregnant.
Perhaps at the time when I took the the pregnancy tests, I was having a hard time accept that I'm pregnant due to the whole strain situation between me and my mother. I told myself, No, I can't be pregnant, I'm not pregnant.
I heard is if you drink a high volume of water, drinking too much water can dilute the hCG (hCG is a hormone that only produced in pregnant women) level in your output urine. So I tried drank alot of water to dilute my urine, so maybe the hCG line won't show up if I drink high volume of water?
And I avoid test it in morning, because I know morning urine is the highest hCG, so I avoid it.. I ONLY test it in the afternoon/evening and night time only, while drink alot of water to dilute the hCG level in my urine.
I drank 6 bottles of water during these tests in these pics below. And the positive line is still there, even with diluted pee and lots of water bottles.. All the tests regardless of how much water I drink or whenevre I take, it has this clear dark line. I know I'm pregnant.
I know only job of the test is just to detect if I have hCG in my ruine. If there no hCG in your urine, regardless of how much urine you dip it in, it just won't appear a dark line. 
I KNOW that I'm pregnant, I had a hard time accept it. But I know I need to come in term of accept it.
And I have come to term of accept it, I have accepted it. Regardless of how the relationship with my mother is, it doesn't change the fact that I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom.

eta: Sorry, I'll leave the pics in links format then.
I uploaded the pic into postimg, (postimg is like photobucket where it let you register for free and upload pics into your photo album). I just leave the direct link here, you can click on the direct url link and it will take you directly to see the pics: 

Close up pics: 

oh, and if you wonder about the nametag that I handwrite my username [Hi, I'm thestairs] on it, and stick it next to my pee sticks in the pics.. "thestairs" is my username in a mommie-baby site where I'm a frequent poster on (it an all women community forum for mommies, pregnancy, women who TTC, etc.. where women talk to other women for advice and support). I did post a poll in there when I took my pregnancy tests, asked to help look at my pee sticks. And the ladies in there said all my pee sticks are clear positive. pregnant.
My username Thestairs/Thestaircase is a memory between me and my husband. I went from the girl in his neighborhood to his wife. When he court me, he purposely chose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sit there and wait for me. Day by day gone by whenever he back from work and have the time free, he would come back to this same stairscase wait and wait for me.
So I chose the nickname thestairs, it a memory between me and my husband.. My username here in TK is thestaircase, and my username in the mommie-baby site is thestairs.

If you read the above of how my mother curse my children, every time I think of my mother words curse my children, I tear up and cry.
I have not tell my mom that I'm pregnant, and I don't plan to tell her. I feel very unfilial, but I don't want her to know I'm pregnant, or give birth. I just don't want her to know, she will curse my children.
Even if I phone and tell her, I will cry. I know I will cry when I heard she said those things above about my children, and curse my children.
Those words she said it just so hurtful, it cause me pain and make me cry. I know how much my husband sacrifice in this relationship/marriage. I don't want to hear my mother curse my children, or call me a dirty prositute and dirty stomach, dirty baby. Yes, my mother call my baby dirty, a dirty baby. She said when I'm pregnant, my baby is just a dirty baby.

Only few people know that I'm pregnant. So far I only told my husband, and my MIL (my husband's mom). Which my husband and my MIL are both thrilled and very happy.
I also told my older brother. But I specificly asked my brother NOT to tell my mother. Which my brother nevrer have a good relationship with our controlling mother, he promise he won't tell her. I haven't tell anyone else about my pregnancy.
My husband did tell his boss, I mean his boss has to know, as he wants to save all his sick days, personal days, and vacation weeks all for my pregnancy. And he said he wants and must go with me to ALL of my prenantal appointments.
I just want a peaceful and quiet pregnancy with my husband, and welcome this baby to the world. 
I not plan to tell my mother about me pregnant, because I know everytime I'm on the phone or see her in person, I end up cry and cry. And I don't want my baby to be effect by my crying. I know my mood effect the baby mood.
If, IF there that beautiful day where my mother come around and accept my husband, it never too late to introduce her to her grandchild. As of now, I don't want her to know about my pregnancy, or me give birth. And No, I don't want my mother know when I deliver or come to the hospital. I know how my mother is, she will make a scene, and I will end up crying, I probably go into labor early if I bawl and cry like that in the hospital.

I don't want her to know I give birth. Am I the most unfilial daughter for not let she know that I'm pregnant or give birth, and not want her to come to the hospital room?
My mother already have 4 grandchildren from my brother, my brother is married with 4 kids. I don't think my mother will care that I give birth or care about this fifth grandchild of hers, as she curse my children in the above, said my children are dirty, a dirty baby, dirty grandchildren. My baby is dirty, because my husband--their father is dirty. And I'm also dirty, because he is my husband. I really don't think my mother care that I'm pregnant or give birth.
The hospital will give me my request that I don't want my mother come in the my hospital room right? Because I know if she there lecture me and curse me, I know I will cry. I just don't want to even have to cry during my labor day.

In the past I suck it up, my mother can insult me and spit in my face all she wants, as long as I can see my old father and see how he doing. But now I'm pregnant, I know I can't do it anymore. I know can't subject myself to my mother abuse anymore, and I will NOT carry my pregnant stomach over and let she emotionally, mentally and verbally abuse me. I know I will bawl and cry when I'm there, I can't subject myself to her lecture me of how dirty I am, or how dirty my husband is, or how dirty my baby is. No.
Before pregnant, I can suck it up just so I can visit and see my father. But now I can't, because I'm pregnant now. And I refuse to subject my pregnant stomach to her emotionally and verbally abuse.
I don't mind suck it up just so I can see my father, but that was before pregnant. Now I'm pregnant, I can't do it.
I don't want my mother to know I'm pregnant or know I give birth, I don't want her to show up at the hospital room. I know she will make a scene, and I will probably go to labor early, if I can't control my crying and if I bawl and cry.

I think about this alot, and it best that my mother doesn't know I'm pregnant or give birth.
IF one beautiful day my mother accept my husband, he more than just his ethnicity (as she said it very clear herself, it his ethnicity that she has a problem with), I'm sorry, but he bleeds red and he has feelings too. If one day she accept him, I will introduce her to her grandchild. I will NOT let my mother emotionally and verbally abuse my children like how she abuse me.
Am I asking too much? All I ask for is a peaceful and quiet pregnancy. I just want to have a peaceful pregnancy, and give my husband this baby, the baby that he always wanted, eventhough I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a mom yet.
I will do everything, everything, to bring this baby to this world. I chose the baby life over my life in a heartbeat.


Re: Thank you.

  • thestaircasethestaircase member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited October 2017
    I'm in my first trimester, 7 weeks and 6 days pregnant today. 
    And as early as the 4 weeks into my my pregnancy, I been feeling and still feeling tired/fatigue and severe nausea, it not getting any better (I'm at the end of my 7 weeks now, tomorrow I be at my 8 weeks), the nausea is still as worst as it is.. All day nausea and nausea. No vomit, just nauseated all day long. It hard to described it, but it make me feel very nauseated and it make me want to throw up but then when I throw up, nothing comes out. 
    I think the medical word in English it call "dry heaves/dry heaving", when you vomit but nothing comes out.
    All day constant nauseated. And I also have dry heaving, dry heaves multiple times in a row. 
    Beside nauseated and dry heaves. I been feeling fatigue, I feel tired and I fall asleep throughout the day and it at anytime. I was NOT like this before, but now, I'm constantly fatigue and nauseated, I don't have the energy like before.
    I was never a nap person until now. NEVER once I nap a day in my life, and now I keep nap throughout the day. I can sit on the sofa and the next thing is I fall asleep and I don't even know, until I wake up that was when I know I just nap.
    It just so weird. Some days I can be craving something and eat a whole bowl. Some days I can just eat a few bites and I no longer can shove it down, just a bite and nausea already hitting in
    And I always nap alot lately, throughout the day, I already nap ealier and I just nap again for 2 hours while watching Chinese opera on TV. I woke up and looked at the clock and know I just nap again for another 2 hours. I ate a bit, and now I'm nausea again.

    I understand every women is different, every pregnancy is different. I guess I got hit with all tired/fatigue, especially the nausea/dry heaves early into my pregnancy. Maybe I nausea more early than other women? My OB/GYN said it all depends on the individual women body, there women that nausea more than others (like my case). But I'm not just only all day nauseated, but also dry heaving, which is very tired. 
    The 'dry heaves' it make me want to throw up, and I throw up, but then nothing comes out. On the bright side, I'm able to keep the food down, as nothing come out when I throw up. 

    3 weeks ago when I took all those pregnancy tests, I did tell my husband that I'm pregnant, and show him all my positive pee sticks. So it been 3 weeks that he knows I'm pregnant. He THRILLED, he very very happy.

    He just so happy that I'm pregnant, he said he wants to come with me to ALL my prenatal appointments. He has pay personal days and sick days at his work, he can use those days to go with me to my prenatal. (Every year he has numbers of sick days, personal days and vacation days). He said he wants to go to every single prenatal appointments with me.
    And he wants to be with me in my delivery and want to cut the baby cord.
    He said he must go with me to all of my prenatal appointments, must be with me in my delivery and must cut the baby cord.
    He already and been kissing my stomach, he said what he said before throughout our marriage, before I was pregnant.--That when I'm pregnant, he wants me to let him kiss my stomach EVERYDAY for 9 Months until the baby born. 
    He just very happy, he smile to himself all the time. He go to sleep with a smile on his face, lol. He already want to buy a baby crib, and stock up baby diapers.

    And he wants to kiss the bottom the the baby foot when the baby born. Not the top of the baby foot, but must be the "bottom" of the baby foot. He just must kiss the bottom of the baby foot, lol
    He already and been kissing my stomach and talk to the baby everyday, before he go to work, he even asked the baby for permission that he can go to work, lol. Everything he do, he asked my tummy asked the baby for PERMISSION.
    I told him that the baby is still quite new (I'm still early into my pregnancy), the baby can't hear him, and even when the baby grow enough to can, the baby still can't answer him to give him permission.

    He just being silly when it comes to the baby I guess. Eversince he know I got my BFP (my big fat positive on pregnancy tests) I'm pregnant, he been asking the baby for permission in everything he do or go, lol
    He is the father, and he already ask the unborn baby "permission" in EVERYTHING. He do it backward, since when do a "father" have to ask their child(ren) for permission to do stuff? It is the children that have to ask their father permission, not the other way around. But he do it the other way around, he asks his unborn baby for permission.
    He always kiss my tummy first and then say things to the baby, he put the side of his head and his ear on my tummy to hear the baby.
    He said dad is hungry, and he asked baby permission if he can eat dinner.. I just giggle, because he so corny. I said baby can't hear him, but he said baby can.
    He said the baby can hear him, and the baby said yes give permission that dad can eat dinner, lol
    Throughour our marriage, before I'm even pregnant, he already kiss my stomach, but it was just few times a week. Now pregnant, it every day, so far each day he kiss my stomach 5 times total.

    He asked my tummy the baby permission to eat breakfast, dinner, sleep, to go to work, he even asked if the baby let give him permission to work July 4th holiday.
    (which was on a weekday, and he had to work anyways, he already scheduled to work ahead of time, he can't get out of it. He just being corny to ask the baby permission if he can work, lol).
    Even before we go to sleep, he kiss my tummy and he asked the baby permission for him to go to sleep. He put the side of his head and ear on my tummy, and he said he baby can hear him the baby said yes, give dad permission to sleep.

    He already want to do all the diapers change, he said when the baby come, he will do all the diapers change when he home from work. I only have to change diaper when he at work, when he home, let him do it all. He see change his baby diapers as a way he bonding with his baby..
    He loves changing diapers, he change his older sister kids (his nephew and niece) diapers all the time. As an uncle, he help change their diapers. Including bathe them and feed them, and read to them.
    His older sister and him has quite an age gap, his sister about 8 years older than him. When she has her kids, she work full time. So he as a little brother of her, and an uncle to his nephew/niece, he has to step in and help change their diapers and bathe them, read to them. So things like these are not new to him.
    BUT it all new to me. I was still a virgin when I'm with him. He is the first guy I've ever been with, he my first everything. And I never change a single diaper a day in my life, so I don't know how to change it.
    While him, as an uncle help his older sister kids. His nephew and niece are older now, they don't need him to change their diapers anymore. They do love their uncle though.
    He said he will show me how to change diapers, so when he at work I change it, when he home, let him do all the diapers change.
    I have alot to learn from my husband, as I don't even know the most basic of change baby diapers.

    My husband is still being silly, he still kiss and talk to my stomach. And still ask the baby 'permission' to do EVERYTHING. The baby is the "boss" in this house now.
    Last week, just like usual nightly when he asked the baby permission to go to sleep. He always kiss my stomach first and he put the side of his head on my stomach, he said to the baby if the baby give him permission to go to sleep today. I said the baby can't hear him yet (I don't think baby can hear in first trimester?).
    But he said baby can hear him, and baby just answered him. And today baby said No, baby said won't give dad permission to sleep until dad rubs mom feet.
    So he said let him rubs my hands, legs and feet for 30 minutes before we go to sleep.

    He always rubs my hands and feet, throughout marriage life with him, even before I got pregnant. Especially in the winter time, when my hands and feet gets cold in the winter. He opened mouth breathe into my hands and rubs my hands to keep it warm. When we in bed, he always rubs my hands and feet.
    We did try to turn on heater, but when the heater stays on, after a while my nose start to bleed (just a bit of blood, not alot at all). But he gets worried, he said he doesn't want to see my nose bleed. So he won't leave the heater on long. He said let him rubs my feet and hands to helps keep it stay warm.
    When my hands and feet get cold again, he rubs my hands and feet again, he keeps do it till we sleep. That was how it is in the winter months. I mean I understand if he do what he do in the winter months.

    BUT this is the summer, I mean we in the summer right? I told him my feet is not cold. But he said the baby said dad can't go sleep until dad rubs mom feet.
    He so silly. I said again the baby can't hear him nor can answer him. But he said he just asked the baby permission, and baby said rubs mom feet first, then baby said he has permission to go to sleep.
    I let him have it his ways, obviously he not listening to me, he only listen to the baby now.. It the baby said rubs mom feet first, then baby give him permission to sleep, lol. He just so corny, I don't know if I should cry or laugh at my husband.
    My feet are not tired, married to him I'm a Stay at home Wife, I don't work. I'm not on my feet like back when I work at Retail in the past. So really, he doesn't have to rub my feet, he just doesn't get it.
    But the baby is the "boss" in this house now, everything is ask the baby for permission, and everything is the baby said. 

    He noticed I nauseated alot, even eat with him I still nauseated. The other day while ate dinner with him on the table, my nausea and dry heaves started kicking in hard, the closest I can ran to to throw up was the kitchen sink, so I ran there to throw up, but then like usual, nothing came out. He saw I ran to the kitchen sink, he immediately gave up eating his food and followed me to see if I'm okay. I told him not to worry, this is just how first trimester pregnancy is.. 
    He kneel and kissed my stomach, and he puts the side of his head on my stomach, and he said to the baby, mom nausea alot, mom carry the baby in my stomach is not easy, and he told the baby to grow up listen to mom. 
    And he said the baby listened and the baby answered him told him told dad to love mom even more. 
    He is like a little kid when it come to the baby. 
    Nightly he ask the baby permission to go to sleep. Even before sleep, when we watch News on the sofa, he still kissed my stomach and put the side of his head on my stomach, and talk to the baby.

    He still ask baby permission for everything. He do it backward, a "father" is not suppose to ask their child permission. It the child that suppose to ask their father permission, not the other way around. But him, EVERYTHING he do or go is ask the baby for permission, everything is the baby say.
    Eversince he knows I'm pregnant, he kiss my stomach 5 times a day, and talk to the baby 5 times a day too, lol. When he comes home from work, when he eats dinner, before he go to sleep, when he eats breakfast, and before he go to work.


    Beside the above, him being corny and silly when it comes to the baby.
    There is something else he wants to do for the baby, he talks about this even back when I was not pregnant. He said it something that is important to him, and he really want to do it. So he ask me to let him do it. Is let him go vegan for 4 years.
    And he probably doing this it because of me.
    I'm a Buddhist follower. When it comes to major Buddhist holidays, and the first day of Chinese Lunar New Year. And the whole month of Ullambana Budhist holidays. We eat vegeterian, we don't eat meat.. Buddhist believe that when you don't eat animal meat, you eat vegeterian will give you blessing--(for not eat animal meat), you'll get blessed.
    So a year out of 365 days, I eat vegeterian for 40 days. And that is the best I can do, it the maximum of days I can go without meat. I personally love eating meat too much, no way I can't give up meat.

    Eventhough we have a huge cultural difference between us (He West African, and I'm Chinese). But he very understanding of my culture and Buddhist religion.
    I explained it to him. And I told him the days I eat vegeterian, I will cook separate food with meat for him. I mean we do have plenty of meat in the fridge.
    But he said No, he will not eat meat while seeing me eat vegeterian.. He said he not gonna enjoy eating meat by himself when his wife is eating vegeterian food. He said he is my husband, the days I eat vegeterian, he will eat vegeterian together with me.
    And he eats it with me, that 40 days he just eat steamed rice, boil cabbage, or boil vegetables, and soy sauce. He happily eat it with me for that 40 days out of a year.

    My husband knows knows in my culture and religion that when you eat vegeterian/not eat animal meat will give you blessed, you get bestow blessing for not eat meat.
    Back then at the time (I wasn't pregnant), he said when I'm pregnant he will eat vegeterian, strictly vegan for 9 months of my pregnancy till I give birth and continue to eat vegan till our baby turn 3 years old.
    So that 9 months of my pregnancy till our baby turn 3, he will not eat meat.. So 3 years and 9 months, almost 4 years he will eat vegan; so that me and our baby will be blessed.
    He said he wants to start as soon as I get a positive on the pregnancy test, he wants the baby in my tummy will be blessed, and he will continue vegan till our baby turn 3 years old.
    Perhaps he thinks that he eats strictly vegan, he not eat meat can bestow blessing/can bring blessings to me and our baby. I dunno, but he said it something he really want to do, and he asked me to let him it for 4 years (during my pregnancy and till our baby turn 3).

    And he said it will ONLY be him eat vegeterian (in that 4 years), 'him' only. He wants me to eat normally eat meat, and my pregnant tummy need nutritious foods, regardless during pregnancy or post pregnancy he wants me to eat meat.
    And the baby also need to eat meat, babies/toddlers need iron protein for growth, developed strong immune system, healthy development, brain cells, yada yada.. What he saying is the 9 months of my pregnancy till our baby turn 3 years old, me and the baby need to eat meat. He make it clear that he wants me and the baby to eat meat, it just him eat vegeterian. (not me or the baby).
    You know how when I offer to cook separate food with meat for him on the 39 days I eat vegeterian, he said No. He said he not gonna enjoy eating meat by himself when his wife is eating vegeterian food. He said he is my husband, the days I eat vegeterian, he will eat vegeterian together with me.
    But then look at it now, while me and and the baby eat meat, him eating vegan only. He doesn't want me and the baby to eat vegan with him in that 4 years. He wants me and the baby eat meat, eat nutritious food.

    Not just vegeterian in that 4 years, but he wants to go complete vegan, no dairy No eggs. So No meat, no fish, no seafood, no dairy, no eggs, no milk, no fish or oyster sauce.
    He eats very easy, just a bowl of steamed rice and boil cabbage, or any boil vegetables is fine with him, and just soy sauce on top, and that it. He happy.
    But I worry he will not get enough IRON from just a bowl of steamed rice which is just starch, and a bowl of boil cabbage. Especially he wants to do this for 4 years long. And there more to Iron in vegeterian/vegan than just starch and boil cabbage.

    He work a hard and dangerous job (day to day dealing with at least 80,000 gallons of Fuel which is highly flammable. Or Hydrofluoric acid which is corrosive).
    I said No to the hydrofluoric acid, I told him work with fuel instead. I take the highly flammable fuel over the corrosive acid.
    A tanker hold up to 13,000 gallons of fuel. He do 6-7 loads a day (deliver 80,000 gallons of fuel a day). Load fuel at the loading rack, deliver, unload fuel. Repeat at leat 6 times/6 loads a day.

    I do worry about his health, and especially in the long run. A day day by day he does at least 6 loads a day, so he in and out of the loading racks 6 times a day, and he directly dealing with 80,000 gallons of these stuff a day. It the loading racks that full with fumes and vapors.
    The loading rack look like this--(pic link below), you in there you will inhale the fumes/vapors regardless. Safety procedures is one thing, but that has nothing do do with fumes and vapors that "naturally" come out in these loading racks. You will inhale 'Some' regardless, as long as you there.

    I understand my husband's homeland Sierra Leone, working in Mining job where there concentration of hazardous gases, fumes, vapors, etc... it normal and it just something naturally in Mining.
    Here in the U.S., at the age of 23 he already work in the Oilfield work with oil and gas, petroleum (crude oil). In the oilfield facing with hazardous fumes and chemicals, carcinogens, fumes/vapors from crude oil, etc... I understand that it something naturally and it a part of his job.
    He doesn't work in the oilfield anymore. But in his 8 years experience of working in these types of jobs/field (he 31 now), he always work with fuel/crude oil, hazardous chemical factories/chemical plants. He deals with hydrofluoric acid which is corrosive, to petroleum fuel, and Fuel is highly flammable and explosive.
    Fuel is what he dealing with right now. And there are just 'natural' component part of fuel and crude oil that are hazardous, carcinogens. When day by day keep directly working with it and inhale it, the posibility of having effects on your health in the long run.
    And he not dealing with one gallon, but day by day he directly dealing with at 80,000 gallons per day. And the area where he loading those 80,000 gallons of fuel are filled with fumes and vapors.
    Just like when you in mining or in the oilfield, you can't avoid the natural fumes and vapors that "naturally" come out of it. You will inhale 'Some' regardless, as long as you there in the area and dealing directly with it.

    I told him I don't care how it was in his homeland in mining jobs. 
    He not in Sierra Leone, he is in the U.S. now, and the healthcare here in the U.S. it different. 
    I don't care how he was back when he work in the oilfield facing with (and inhale) hazardous fumes and chemicals, carcinogens, fumes/vapors from crude oil, etc...
    But he needs to take care of his health. I know he 31 and is healthy now, but I don't know his health 20 years from now. I want him to be healthy live with me. I know he been working with these stuff 8 years, he has alot experience, he knows exactly what he doing. But I still worry about his heath.
    He needs to eat meat so he can have enough iron and protein in his body to give him strength to continue work the job he is working and has been working.

    I don't want him to go completely vegan. I need to talk to him about it, I know he keeps insist on go vegan not eat meat so Buddhist can bestow blessing/can bring blessings to me and our baby. But I rather he just be vegeterian, at least have some eggs and dairy.
    If he must go vegan, just do it in the 9 months of my prenancy. Don't do it till our baby turn 3, that would be 4 years time, and I worry about his health in the long run.

    He already want to start vegan right away right now, but I told him not yet, he has to eat meat with me until the meat we have in the fridge right now run out, then next grocery shopping, we buy less meat (just enough for me, since he wants me to me eat meat. Just him go vegan only). And buy more cabbage and vegetables for him.
    I know he fine with just a bowl of steamed rice and boil cabbage, but IRON needs more than just starch and boil cabbage. I mean in the U.S., Iron in vegan food is more than just rice and boil cabbage. He needs to be healthy to take care of me and the baby too.

    As for the baby. When I got the positive on my pregnancy tests, I called my OB/GYN right away that day and scheduled an appointment to see her. She fully booked with other patients appointments, but she squeezed me in the following week, we was able to see her on June 29th. My husband came with me to my prenatal appointment, he very happy that I'm pregnant, as he always wanted us to have a baby.
    Me and my husband did went to our first prenatal appointment last week. My OB (my obstetrics/obstetrician) she Chinese like me so we speak Chinese to each others. It a large practice, there more than one OBs in there, most are American OBs that speak English, but there Hispanic OBs that speak Spanish, and my OB speak Chinese.
    She has ultrasounds right in her office so she did one for me, and confirmed how far along I am. 
    When we went to see her last Thrusday, after the ultrasound, that day on my first prenatal appointment with her, she confirmed I was 6 weeks and 5 days pregnant, that the LMP gestational age.
    My OB said I conceived at the end of May (the weekend of 27-28 of May), I must ovulated at the end of May and got pregnant. My OB said my EDD (estimate due date) is February 17, 2018.

    I was told everything is fine, the baby is in good size, fetus measuring good, growing at the rate it should, everything is fine. And baby was measured at 6 week and 5 days (as of the day of my first appointment last week with her).
    My OB was able to see the tiny heart flickering, me and my husband saw it too, we all saw it on the ultrasound, the heart flickering. 
    We saw the heart flicker, we saw the heart flutter. But she was not able to get the measurement of how fast the heart beating per minute. Just the heart flickering, the heart jumps, we all saw it. 

    I started to tear up right there in her office, because we only saw the tiny heart flickering on the screen, but my OB not able to get the measure of how fast my baby heart beat was. I was very worried.
    She rest assured me, she said everything looks good, and there the flutter of heartbeats, I mean we all see it flickering. She said I'm still early, not all pregnancy can hear heartbeat at 6 weeks and 5 days (my case). She said the baby heart is still too tiny to count the heart beat but we all see it flickering, she assured me everything is okay.
    She said there pregnancy were heartbeat wasn't heard till their far into their 7 weeks. Some not even heard till they into their 8 weeks.

    She said it is okay, as she know I'm easily panic. She had me scheduled to come back the following week for another ultrasound, and the following week I will be at the end of my 7 weeks and approaching the begin of my 8 weeks. She assured me we will heard heartbeat by then.
    That was my first prenatal appointment with her last week, June 29th. And she scheduled me to see her on July 6th for a second ultrasound, to get the measure of baby heartbeat, measure of how much it beating per minute.

    It has been a week now, I'm 7 weeks and 6 days today. And yesterday July 6th was the day for me to see my OB for my second prenatal appointment. My husband went with me again, and me and my husband was able to hear hear our baby heartbeat yesterday, as well as see it flickering on the screen.
    My baby's heartbeat is 130 beats per minute! My husband teared up, I also teared up, we both teared up. Our baby heart beat is 130 beats per minute. We feel very relieved, we heard our baby heartbeat! (We was worry last week that we only see it flickering and not able to hear it, but this week we able to hear it). We very thankful and happy.

    Everything is good, baby is in good size, fetus is measure good, the baby is fine, baby growing rate is where should be--at the begin of my 8 weeks, everything is fine. We all see the baby heart flickering on the screen and also hear the hearbeat..
    My OB said my baby heartbeat 130 beats per minute, it healthy heartbeat, 130 beats per minute is a healthy and normal heartbeat for a baby that at the end of 7 weeks/begin of 8 weeks (where I'm at in my pregnancy). She rest assured me, everything is fine.

    She did scheduled me to see her 3 weeks from now, on July 27th, as I will be 10 weeks and 5 days by then. My husband will go with me again in 3 weeks to my third prenatal appointment with her. I'm just so happy that I hear my baby heartbeat yesterday, as I was very worry since last time we only see the tiny heart flickering, not heard it, it was a relieved to hear my baby heartbeat yesterday (on July 6th).
  • MCmeowMCmeow member
    500 Love Its Fourth Anniversary 100 Comments Name Dropper
    I think I remember your post from last year. I didn't read all of this but I got the gist of it. I don't remember what I commented then but I'm guessing I said something like: Your mother isn't worth mending a relationship. It seems like you're trying to be the bigger person and reconnect but a person who abused you does not deserve it. Please listen to the advise we've all given you. You love your husband and you're happy together, he is your family, and your family is growing. That's all you need. Let go of toxic people and PLEASE seek therapy. Since it seems like you two are living comfortably, I'm guessing you guys can afford it. If not for yourself then for your future child, your kid deserves a mother that feels good about herself and isn't in the pain you're in.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • You need a therapist that specifically deals in childhood trauma. FWIW, finding out you're unexpectedly pregnant can set off a huge wave of emotions and there's nothing wrong with that. Pregnancy is rough, emotionally and physically. I don't know what it's like in your area, but where I am, they offer significant resources for prenatal mental health.
  • OP - I remember you, I feel for you, I believe you, and I trust you.

    I will repeat the advice to find a therapist who specializes in traumatic childhoods who can help you finally and fully cut ties with your mother and father. I cannot imagine the pain of receiving nothing but hatred from people who are supposed to give you love, but there is nothing you can do to make them change.

    Fortunately you seem to be receiving a lot of love from a doting husband and you remain close to your brother and his family. It is important to have friends as well, so I second the suggestions to get involved in your community through volunteering or joining a club. Now that you are pregnant you should find pre-natal classes, and then "mommy and me" play groups once your little one is born. I think having positive relationships with other women will do you a world of good!

    As for your husband's choice to eat vegan, you do not need to worry about his health. Vegans are just as able to do physically taxing work. Just make sure he reads up on how to adjust his diet safely. He may even want to meet with a dietician to help transition.

    I wish you the best of luck with your pregnancy.

  • SP29SP29 member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I can understand how being pregnant, somewhat unexpectedly as well, would bring up all these emotions and feelings for you. But you are an adult and you are in charge of your own life! You cannot change other people (i.e. your parents), but you can change yourself.

    First, you need to find a new therapist. The one you have been working with isn't helping, and you could use some guidance and support.

    As for your parents- they are both toxic, and personally, neither is worthy of your time and energy. You can still respect your mother as the woman who gave birth to you without ever seeing her again. Your father has never protected you from your mother, and he knows how to contact you, but hasn't. So in my opinion, he is just as bad. Personally, I think you need to stop pursuing a relationship with either of them. You can maintain your relationship with your brother without having one with your parents. You have your husbands family. And I hope you have a close friend or two. If you don't, I will also suggest that you get out and volunteer or join a "Moms" group to get yourself a large web of support. Also, now that you are going to be a mother, you need to protect your future child from your parents. Your mother has already told you what she thinks of your husband and future children, and that is not an environment or a person I would want involved with my children (they also shouldn't hear how "terrible" their parents are). Protect your future child(ren) from the abuse you received growing up.

    As for your husband, learn to trust that he is a good man and loves you. You seem to doubt everything he says. If you want to work, well that is something to discuss, but otherwise you seem to question everything. If you are happy in your relationship and it works for you, stop over thinking it!

    Congratulations on your pregnancy. I hope you find the answers you are looking for.
  • marigold40marigold40 member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments Name Dropper
    edited July 2017
    I agree with the previous responses urging you to find a mental health professional that helps you.

    In addition, I would suggest possibly seeing your primary care doctor for tests to see if there are possibly any other physical issues that may need to be treated (for example, hormonal imbalance, etc). Explain your symptoms to your doctor (for example, depression, anxiety, insomnia, scattered thought, etc - symptoms, not your life story details). You said that you feel your thoughts are always scattered, which makes me think maybe you have a condition that may need treatment... but I'm not a doctor. I don't feel it's normal or healthy to unload your entire life story in detail on forums like this multiple times over the past 3 years. Maybe you can find a forum more related to this subject such as adult survivors of child abuse or depression or something. Maybe your town has an abuse victims center that can help point you in the right direction. Though I can relate due to similar life experiences, I am certainly not going to post my private life details on a wedding website to a bunch of strangers. Since you have mentioned twice how much money your husband makes and your comfortable lifestyle, going to the doctor for some tests shouldn't be a problem for you financially. Additionally, there are different kinds of therapists. So you may need to regularly visit a different kind or maybe even multiple doctors. This article may help you. 

    Many people get bloody noses in the winter due to dry air. Get a humidifier and put in your bedroom.

    If you are worried about getting proper nutrition as a vegan during your pregnancy, talk to your OB/GYN about supplements. They can do a test to see if you have any nutrient deficiencies. 

    I also suggest you attend parenting classes and buy some parenting books. For your baby's sake, you owe it to your baby to educate yourself on parenting. 

    Whether or not your relationship with your parents can be resolved should not be your focus right now. You need to move on and you owe it to your baby to get yourself healthy (physically, mentally, and emotionally). 
  • thestaircasethestaircase member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited August 2017
    Thank you so much for the replies help give me input/advice. I read and re-read it. 
    Times sure goes by fast, I'm in my second trimester right now already.
    I can't wait for this baby to come to this world, so the baby can met his/her father.. Everyday my husband still kiss my belly 5 times a day, and still talk to the baby. For the past few weeks, he started sing this baby lullabies to my belly, he sings it in his Sierra Leonean native language. It is baby lullabies specificly in his tribe/native group (as he is a Sierra Leonean, West African).

    I'm in my second trimester, I'm 13 weeks and 2 days today. And I already a round bump. I noticed I started showing at my 10 weeks.
    I don't know when my belly going to get huge (this is my first baby), I'm guessing at the end of the second trimester. When my belly get huge, (not sure if it allow here in TK), I don't mind share pics of my bare belly. So posters can see my HUGE bare belly and all the stretch marks, maybe posters can guess my belly shape if a boy or girl baby. :-)
    Everything with the baby and all of the ultrasounds check the baby's development results are good, baby growing and developing very good, and a very heathly heartbeat.
    Not just only me and my husband saw our baby heart beating on the screen and hear it, but we saw our baby wiggles and move. Baby round head, and round body, two little arms and two little legs. The arms move, then the legs move, then the two litlle arms keep wiggles and wiggles again. It was so ADORABLE!!

    I understand my mother controlling nature. With my mother, it the power of "control". She won't see both me and my brother as her children unless we subject ourselves to her controlling us.
    And it clear she doesn't want a relationship with me unless I leave my husband, be an obedience daughter and let she matchmaker me and arranged marriage me with her close Chinese/Vietnamese friends's son. I'm not hoping for a relationship with my mother.
    It just if one day one day my dad pass away due to old age, I will forever blame myself that I didn't see him enough when he alive, and I didn't fullfill my filial piety as a daughter to him.

    You know what really hurt is everytime I suck it up to my mother insult me and put me down to the lowest level that she can, including she spit in my face just so I can see my father. But what I get is my father just walk straight into his room; he just leave me out there in the living room let my motger continue insulting me. You don't know how hopeless I feel at that time. NEVER once my father stood for up for me, nor say anything when my mother spit in my face.
    It already clear where he stands.

    Before pregnant, I suck it up, my mother can treats me however she wants, just please let me see my father. Me is one thing. But now pregnant, my belly is getting bigger and bigger each day. I can't subject the baby in my belly to my mother verbal and emotional abuse, insulted me and spit in my face like this.
    I'm sorry, my but I'm not a dog. I have a the basic of the human rights to married the person I love (regardless of that person ethnicity).

    My father have my cell phone # but he never call me.
    And I have try to call my father, alot of times too. Every single holidays, I called. But he never pick up my phone. I don't know why. The ladies in the mommie-baby site guess maybe it because my mother was next to my father, saw my number display and not let him pick it up.. I don't know, perhaps my mother just won't let my father pick up my phone calls.


    Married to my husband is a blessing, I'm the lucky one here, not him.

    He work all his life, I talk about his job in the above post already, so no need to say it again here.. At the age of 23, he already started making six-figures. He is 31 now, turning 32 at the end of September. So it been 8-9 years that he make and still make six-figures (low six-figures to be exact).
    His life saving up till today, he has 485K cash liquids in his Saving accounts. He has one saving account in one bank, and one saving account in another bank. Due to the FDIC insured 250K limit, in case of bank failure. He wants to maximum insured his cash in in there.
    That above is just his Saving accounts only. He also have a Checking account with decent money in it where he use to pay all monthly bills.

    His job right now pay him $3,210 a WEEK (he gets pay weekly pay). He make 167K a year (52 weeks in a year). He has no problem continue putting more money into his savings. He's Debt-free, it not like he has debt to worry to pay off. And he very responsible with money.

    Is 485K in cash liquids is alot of money in the very HCOL state California, where everything is freaking expensive? Probably to others it not alot. But to us two people who both Debt-free, we live a comfy life.

    He also has decent money in his Retirement savings (not as much as the amount of cash amount in his Saving accounts), but it still decent six-figures.
    He has his 401k in his current job, and employer match.
    In additional, he also has his own IRA, which he roll his previous 401k accounts from his old jobs to his IRA. And he also max out his IRA every year.
    He also has Life Insurance (a modest amount). 
    (We didn't think that it is a necessary for us to buy a bigger amount of life insurance, due to he already have 485K cash in his Savings, and already six-figures in his 401k/IRA retirement.
    Plus he make 167K a year, and he Debt-free, he always save up money in his savings every month).

    I'm sure we all heard of Vietnam Mail Order bride, or Russia Mail Order bride. There plenty of girls in poor countries who would love to married him due to his 485K cash in his Saving accounts, and he Debt-free. And his 167K a year income.
    And his U.S citizenship so they can get to USA for a comfy life instead of keep continue stay in their poor homeland.
    Go to Vietnam or Russia. And I'm sure a girl in Russia (in Europe), her family wouldn't mind his ethnicity unlike my Vietnamse mother discriminate against him solely due to his ethnicity.
    Furthermore, he is 31 years old (for a man, age 31 is young. He is at the prime age of his life). And not to mentioned he slim and very lean and good looking.. And he more than well-endowed and beyond well-hung. Sex feels damn good, I don't even know where I'm at anymore during intercourse with him, the pleasure it intense.

    Married to him, I get alot of privileges as his wife. He said there only 1 girl can call him "husband", there only 1 girl who can have access to his bank accounts, there only 1 girl who can bear his children, and that is the girl that he chose to be his "wife".

    As his wife: He put me on as "JOINT" on ALL his bank accounts.. Both of his Saving accounts, he put my name on there with his name. He gives me full access to his 485K cash in his savings.
    His Checking, same thing, he has me as Joint. And the whole check book is for me to sign. And the Debit card is for me to use.

    Beside he puts me as Joint on ALL his bank accounts. He also put me as the Primary Beneficiary on his 401k and IRA.. And also put me as the Primary Beneficiary on his Life Insurance. 

    Beside that, as his wife: He also give me a Joint Credit card. Whatever I use, the credit card bill come home, he pays.
    When I drive out and buy stuff, I use the Joint Credit card to pay. Or the Debit card. Or the Cash the he gives me. 
    We have our own cars, he has his car, I have mine. I drive around with my car go whereever I want to go, do whatever, drive whereever (just do it in the hours he at work).

    As his wife: He also opened me a spousal IRA, has the IRA in my name, and he the one that contribute money in there for me. And he max it out for me, a year $5,500 (that is the max year limit you can put in your IRA).

    In addition, as his wife: He gives me $1,200 a month for the nine months of February to October. And $2,000 a month for the three months of November to January. Because those are holidays months, and his paychecks he makes more.
    So a year he gives me $17,000 in cash. That is enough to buy a brand new Honda Civic Sedan.
    We married for 2.5 years, and in the 2.5 years marriage to him, he gives me so far 50K.
    And that is not including extra money he gives me on holidays like: Mother's Day, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Year, or my birthday, etc... He puts in my hand $500 in each of those holiday occasions.
    Even when I wasn't a mom yet on Mother's Day, he still give me $500.

    Even when I was working part time (before I become a Stay at home Wife, he still gives me that monthly money above). He said I'm his "wife". I guess that is one of the privilege for being his wife.
    He doesn't even want me to work part time job, let alone a full time job. He said why do he wants his "wife" to work? When he make enough for his wife to stay stay home.
    I agreed to stay home. If you ask me, I love being a Stay at home Wife. And the concept of a SAHWife is nothing new in my Chinese/Vietnamese culture.

    Anyways, I haven't spend a penny of the 50K he gives me, and I have no intention of spend it, it all still in a Saving that I put it in.
    okay, I understand when he said he wants me to have my "own" money, on top of him has me as JOINT on all his bank accounts, and pay for my everything. I'm very grateful. But I what I want is I want to pool the 50K he gives me to "his" Savings, to add his savings from 485K to 535K. To be frank, the 50K he gives me, it ALL his hard work money. As I don't work, I have zero income.
    And there no difference if I pool the money he gives me to his savings. He has me as Joint on his savings anyways, my name is on there, I have full access to it.

    I been staying home, I stay home even before I become pregnant. And it he that financially supporting me everything from A to Z. There isn't one thing that is not he pays, due to I have zero income. He pays for my 100% everything.
    The food I eat, all the clothes, shoes I wear is he pays. ALL Bills, everything bills is he pays. The DISH's Chinese satellite channels I watch is he pays. ALL my insurance is he pays: My Medical insurance is he pays, dental insurance, my vision insurance. My car insurance is he pays. Heck, even the gas in car is he pays.
    My cell phone is he pays. My daily daily disposable contact lenses is he pays. Heck, even my Japanese brand faceawash is he pays.. All the clothes I wear, the pearl necklaces, earrings, gold watches. I love 18-karat yellow gold. All my gold jewelry is he pays. 
    There isn't one thing that is not he pays for me. How can I pay for anything when I have zero income?

    And not to mention, I'm eating Ribeye and Newyork steak, salmon, catfish, chicken wings, and lots of shrimp, jumbo size shrimp. (These things are not cheap here in California or anywhere). Hell, I'm eating Ribeye steak so much that I can't even look at it or eat it anymore. I get to eat Ribeye steak everyday is all thank you to him and his income.

    With all that above, I'm sure those Russia Mail Order bride, or Vietnam Mail Order bride would love to take my place as his wife. I hope one day my mom can get pass her discrimination mindset and see that I'm the lucky one here to married to him. Don't discriminate against him just because he come straight from West Africa. I'm the lucky one here!


    oh, and update on my pregnancy health. And some questions I want to ask. 

    All in my adulhood, I have chronic mildly high blood pressure, borderline hypertension. I didn't care much for it nor care to take medication for it, due to I function fine in my daily life.
    I wasn't plan to have a baby till I'll be 35, but it happened earlier than I expected. I conceived at the end of May at the age of 32, and going to become a mom at 33.

    My Chinese OB (obstetrics) make it clear to me so I can be aware that there is a difference between a woman who have normal blood pressure all her life and come into the pregnancy with a normal blood pressure, to a woman who come into the pregnancy with already a history of high blood pressure.. As me--who already had chronic high blood pressure prior to pregnancy. My blood pressure in my adulthood was already high before I become pregnant.

    I specificly asked my OB if I can wait till I get to my second trimester first before I'll start take the high blood pressure medicine. Perhaps I'm Chinese and I'm superstitious, but I feel that at first trimester the fetus is still very fragile and not strong enough to handle medicine side effects. As we know ALL medication taking during pregnancy can have some effect on the fetus, whether it little or alot. Not to mention the side effects of the medicine itself. I just want to be in the second trimester so the baby can be strong enough to handle the medicine, Kwim?

    I have a known history of hypertension pre-pregnancy, I come into the pregnancy with hypertension (mildly).
    I was fine up to the end of my 7 weeks. Starting the 8 weeks into my pregnancy, something started to happen--my blood pressure flare up, it went fron mildly high, to put me right in Hypertension.
    What happened to me after my blood pressure flare up, was I noticed (at the end of my 7 weeks, as I went into my 8 weeks), is both of my feet started to swollen up. My feet started to swollen up is one thing, but both of my calves, it hugely swollen. Each of my calf is like a huge pouch. So my calves are like two huge pouches. 
    It has not go away, even till today, my feet, calves, legs are still swollen. It been 5 weeks now and I'm still swelling like this.

    And it has been 5 weeks that my husband rubs my feet in a basin of warm water. Eversince the first day of my feet swollen, he rubs my feet in a large basin full of warm water. He still do what he do, he still very gently rubs feet in the warm water basin. He kneel sitting while doing it. He keeps looked and looked at my swollen feet as he very gently rubs it, I can see the hurt in his eyes that it hurting him to see my feet swollen like this. 
    I told him he doesn't have to rubs my feet in a basin like that that, because he kneeled on both knees while doing it. I sat, and he kneeled.
    But he said he "wants" to, and able to do these things for me it make him happy, and asked me to "let" him do it for me.
    Once a day for about half an hour he gently rubs my feet in a basin of warm water, just very gently rubs it, and he kneeled on both knees the whole time while doing it. He keeps stare my swollen feet as he rubs the top of my feet very gently, I can see in his eyes that it hurts him alot from see me swell up like this. When he done, he wipes my feet with a towel. I feel terrible for him.
    My OB she said let him do it, it a loving gesture and it helps soothe my feet and circulation.

    He still gently rubs my feet in the warm water basin like this everyday. It just his eyes, as he stare at my swollen feet and very gently rubs my each of my foot, I can see it hurting him alot to see me swelling like this. 
    And the way he looks at me, it still that same exact eye that he looked at me back then, day by day quietly sat outside my staircase wait for me like a love-idiot. It still that same eyes, the way he looks at me.

    All these swelling of mine started swollen up when I was at the end of my 7 weeks. Both my feet are swollen, especially my calves, on each of my calf it like a huge pouch. My legs and feet are swollen. But my calves swollen the most.. My OB said it is my high blood pressure that caused me to swelling up this much and this early into the pregnancy.
    No, it NOT normal to be swollen that much this early at the end of 7 weeks. It because I have a chronic high blood pressure prior to pregnancy. My OB said because I come into the pregnancy with a chronic high blood pressure, and now at the high blood pressure in my pregnancy. And since my legs and feet already swollen. The high chances is my legs and feet will continue staying swollen like this throughout my whole pregnancy, until after I give birth.

    My condition started to happen at the end of my 7 weeks, and that was on a weekend (Sat/Sun). My Chinese OB told us to come early to see her right away on Monday before her office open. So she can see me before her office hours stated to open and patients start coming in, she has to squeeze me in as she fully booked with other patients appointments.. My husband he very very worry about my health. We rushed came to see her that early Monday morning, and my OB very concern of my high blood pressure, she said I can't wait any longer, I must be on high blood pressure medicine now, like right now. 
    She knows my requested to her that if I can wait till I get into my second trimester before I start take my medicine. But she he said No, the medicine can't wait, I must be on the medicine right now.. And puts me on Methyldopa, it well know as the most safe high blood pressure medication for pregnant women out there. 
    Obstetrics use Methyldopa to treats high blood pressure in pregnant women the most, because of the safe level of this medication as compared to other high blood pressure medication out there.

    That day when I started swelling up, right in the morning my husband went and bought me a high blood pressure monitor at the medical supplies store. It those home blood pressure monitor, where you can use can measured your blood pressure on your arm right at home.
    We do use it to measure my blood pressure at home. And my blood pressure is down, thank you to the medication of couse.
    This medication helps me alot, my blood pressure stay down it because of it. I have been on this medication for 5 weeks now.

    I do have to see my OB more than other pregnant women who have normal blood pressure. Because of my high blood pressure, I have to see my OB every 2 weeks, so she can monitor not just only my health, but also monitor the baby health.
    She done alot of blood test on me, including urine test. But alot of blood tests to check my health see if I'm consider high-risk. And everything is fine, all the tests result come out fine. No diabetes (ofcourse as I never have diabetes before in my life). She also did the glucose gestational diabetes test on me, and I passed it with flying colors.
    I also don't have high cholesterol. All my separate blood tests, and my comprehensive full blood panel result come out normal. Well, except that one thing, I have high blood pressure (which is something I already have in my adulthood, even before I become pregnant).

    The baby is fine. Everything with the baby and all of the ultrasounds check the baby's development results are good, baby growing and developing very good, and a very heathly heartbeat. We see our our baby heart beating on the screen and hear it, but we saw our baby move. Baby is very healthy.

    My husband is very worry about my high blood pressure. For weeks he keeps insist on me to go to a Maternal-Fetal Medicine (MFM) instead of a Obstetric. He said he make enough for me to go a MFM specialist. A MFM is a specialist doctor who have further studies and further train, who treats and monitor pregnant women who are high-risk.. But I'm not high-risk, I Only have high blood pressure. And my blood pressure is down now due to the medication. 
    I told my husband, my Chinese OB is fine, if as my pregnancy progress and if my high blood pressure cause complications that my OB can't treats, then we go to the FMF specialist. I told him we don't have to go now, as my high blood pressure is down now, and I will continue to take my medication to keep my blood pressure down.
    He only ceased insist on the MFM specialist recently, after weeks he see my blood pressure stay down. He very worry.

    And as all pregnant women, we have work out our plan work out with our OB, whether we plan natural vaginal birth or C-section, or want epidural or no epidural, etc... 
    Ofcourse as my husband has been going with with me to every single prenatal appointments with me. And ofcourse he wants to make sure it clearly write that he will be with me in my delivery and want to cut the baby cord. 
    And my husband still insist on me deliver at a private hospital. It is one of the top hospital here, it just that it private so the cost is more. And private hospital they picky on which Insurance they accept. (They do accept our Insurance though). Well, more like it my husband insurance, and I'm on it with his insurance.
    So this private hospital accept our insurance, and my OB does deliver in this hospital. She will be the one that deliver me. 
    And this private hospital have the Neonatal intensive care unit (NICU), just in case if our newborn baby needs it. I hope our baby won't be in the NICU for any reason, but nobody will know how delivery goes, so we have to look for a hospital that have NICU just in case.
    And ofcourse with private hospital, we have our private hospital room. And most important is my husband he wants doctor-to-patient ratios. He wants the doctors and nurses can care for me more, as private hospital there less patients, so doctors and nurses can care for their patients more.. As compared to public hospital, one nurse have to deal with tons of patients, while in private hospital, nurses only have to deal with few patients. 
    Private hospital cost more, so less patients as compared to public hospital.

    My husband said the 485K in cash he has in his Savings, he will use it all for me and our baby and my delivery, whatever I need. He wants me to deliver in a private hospital. He said he makes enough and have enough cash in his Savings to afford for me to deliver at a private hospital.
    We talked to our Insurance, and our insurance will cover most of the cost. 
    And there was a really nice lady who help gave me advice, she said it good that we have his Savings to pay for whatever my delivery needs, but our insurance will cover it, as we do have good coverage.
    Whether it private or public hospital, with good coverage insurance, it probably won't be much difference in the cost. As our insurance will pay most of it.
    insurance have out of pocket maximums. So let say if our out of pocket maximum per year is (# of amount), we don't pay any more than that, regardless of how much the cost deliver at the private hospital. With us have good coverage, the insurance will cover the rest one way of another.
    So don't worry about the private hospital cost, given my husband income and our insurance, it not a problem. We don't even need to touch my his Savings. 

    My husband work a year give him 3 weeks pay vacation, and that not counting his pay sick days and personal days. So that 3 weeks pay vacation, he can be with me during my delivery and my recovery after I give birth. There also FMLA leave, by law he allows leave of a birth of a child, or a dead of a family member. It just if let say he stay with me 4 weeks (an extra week more), that week 4 he won't get pay, that's all. So I plan for him to stay with me 3 weeks, as he get pays for that 3 weeks. I should be recover after 3 weeks post-delivery.
    After work he drives straight home to be with me, he home everyday with me. And I'm an adult, I can take care of myself in the hours he at work, I have him home with me everyday. I'm a Stay at home Wife anyways, it not like I have to work.. So after his 3 weeks pay off, I want him to go back to work, so our income can be normal. I want him resume with his work like normal after the 3 weeks pay over.
    I wonder what is the ladies here take on deliver at a private hospital? As my husband wants me to deliver in a private hospital. Reasons already stated above. To him private hospital is better. And this private hospital here is a top hospital too, it just cost more as it not a public hospital.
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    You owe no "filial piety" to your dad. He doesn't defend you from your mom. He doesn't need a relationship with you and has taken no action even to indicate he wants to see you. You owe him nothing, in the same way that you owe your mom nothing. Get past that idea.

    The rest is serious overshare, as well as way too long to read in detail. I understand that you're trying to make the point that your husband is a good provider and you don't have to work, but that shouldn't stop you from working if you WANT to work. If you don't want to work, great, don't. If you do want to work, great, do. That's your choice.
  • ei34ei34 member
    Eighth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    The high blood pressure stands out as the big concern- its early in your pregnancy to be so swollen.  I hope the meds your OB prescribed kick in soon!  I did deliver at a private hospital and I couldn't have imagined having other women/their l&d partners/newborns/visiting family in the room, but really, as long as the doctors, nurses, and security are top-notch, public hospitals are great too.  Probably most important is a stellar pediatric hospital attached or right nearby, god forbid anything is wrong with the baby.  Also before choosing a hospital check with your insurance to see if you need authorization to deliver at the hospital, and what the co-pays or deductibles look like.  

    Really though a lot of this is TMI.  A lot of us here are active members in this community and we don't talk about our husband's penises or exactly how much money everyone makes.  And topics we do discuss, it's more give and take.  You just come here asking questions and advice, not answering/helping anyone. It's not really how a community works (online or IRL).  That said, your husband sounds very loving!  That's a wonderful thing to have, a devoted spouse.  Wishing you a healthy pregnancy.
  • Good luck with your pregnancy.  Hopefully now that you are on your high blood pressure meds, things will improve and keep you healthy.  I'm sure your doctor would not have put you on those meds, unless it was safe both for yourself and your baby.

    One thing I'll repeat from other PPs.  Whenever your father passes away, don't feel even a morsel of guilt you didn't spend more time with him in life.  That was his choice.  It obviously wasn't yours.  I hope with the starting of your new family, you will finally have the strength to completely cut your abusive parents out of your life.  I know your dad wasn't physically abusive, but he's been emotionally abusive and has never been on your side.

    It's great that you and your husband are devoted to each other.  But you are EQUALS in this marriage.  EQUALS!!!!  I get the impression that you feel subservient to him because he is the one who brings in all the income.  That is not the way marriage works.  He doesn't want you to work and, as long as that is okay with you, that's fine.  But you are still contributing to this partnership.  I assume you do most of the household errands and household work.  You will soon be taking care of an infant on top of that.  Those contributions are just as important.  Your husband understands that, but you need to also.  Anything he earns during the marriage is BOTH of your all's money.  It isn't just his.

    Since you shared financial details, I'm also going to give you all a huge piece of advice.  You all shouldn't be keeping that kind of money in a plain old savings account.  Whatever small interest it is earning, does not keep up with inflation.  As such, it is losing value each year.  You all should speak to a financial advisor...together, it is both of your monies...about retirement planning and making that money work better for you all over time.  Your all's 401Ks sound great, but do you all know if that is enough for retirement?  Perhaps you all want an early retirement.  Perhaps it is time to start thinking about a college fund for the baby.

    These are goals that need to be considered and planned out decades ahead of time.  There are a lot of conservative, safe investment options out there where you all can earn higher returns and, at the very least, outpace inflation.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers

    I think this post is starting to fall into the MUD category.  Her English was just a little too good in this post.  There was some clear coherent thoughts spelled out here instead of the rambles we always get.

    Add in the financial talk (I didn't know truck drivers could make 6 figures), sex life details, mail order brides and bump talk?  Uh, yeah - I'm just quickly falling into the MUD camp.

    They can. It's a pretty grueling life though. Teams usually make more money too because they switch off driving and can cover more distance in less time. I actually literally just talked to a truck driver in the minute clinic right now while I was waiting for my turn. He was in to get a DOT physical to resume truck driving. He mentioned his nephew did it for a few years when he was young and he didn't want to stop because he was making over 100k. What a funny coincidence. 

    Otherwise, yeah, very muddy in here. Or she has really big problems and needs that therapist for sure. 

  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I've thought she's mud for a long time, but what I can I say, I love reading drama!

  • CharmedPamCharmedPam Chicagoburbs member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    I've thought she's mud for a long time, but what I can I say, I love reading drama!
    I do too, but in like 3 paragraphs or less. 

  • ILoveBeachMusicILoveBeachMusic Indiana member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I've been thinking MUD overtime she posts.
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