My mother abused me and belittle me throughout my whole childhood.. I didn't see my father much in my childhood, neither does my mother. My father was a businessman back in our homeland China (Shanghai). Father was rarely home, he always on business trips working to make money. And also his money was to help immigrant our whole family to America. (It not cheap to immigrant a whole family to the U.S.)
Thank you to my father, our family was able to immigrant to the U.S.
I remembered my childhood in China, whenever my mother mad at my father or mad at whatever, it "me" that she always took out her anger on. Beside belittle me, verbally abused and emotional abused me. She would grab my hair or grab the top of my head and shove my head down or shove me down to the floor, whenever she mad, taking out her anger on me. Or she would grab whatever objects that was on the table at the time aim and throw it at my head.
I remembered once out of no where she grabbed an object hat was on the table and threw it at my face. The object hit me on the side of my eyebrow, and caused a small cut on my eyebrow. I remembered I just had my hand over my eye and cried.
I don't know what would happen if it hits right straight in my eye, I would have lost my eyesight already.
In all fairness to my mother, my mother didn't aim objects at my eyes, she usually just aim at my head or my body, but it that time that it almost hit me directly in my eye.
She said she gave birth to me so she have all the rights to hit me. There were times when she grabbed my head, closed fist and hit me in my face where my cheekbone was.
I'm used to my mother verbally and emotionally abused me. Did she grab my head and shove my head down and push me to the ground hurts? Or throw objects at my head hurts? Yes, but the physical hurt it NOTHING compared to the emotional hurt. What hurt alot was because she is my mother, but why not care for me? Why brought me to this world but then belittle me, grab my head and shove me to the ground?
I know I can't change how my mother treats me, the only thing I can do was left her house, break free from her abused. Leaving was my only choice. And I leaved, it been over a decade since I left her house. As I'm 33 now.
Regardless of how my mother treats me in my childhood or my adulthood. I always forgive my mother, and I always love my mother.. She gave birth to me, I know without her I wouldn't be here in this world. I know this and I will never forget this; she is my mother,--this fact will never change despite how she treats me. I'm here right now, my life is my mother gives me.
I got married 2.5 years ago (it was after an almost 3 years of this man day in day out courtship. Due to our very close distance, we see each others day in day out and day in day out spend time with each others, we haven't even parted a day. I thought 3 years was enough to show his patience and sincere, so I agreed to maried him). My husband treats me really really well. I'm a Stay at home Wife, he doesn't even want me to work a day as his "wife". He make it very clear that he doesn't want me to even work part time, he said why do he wants his "wife" to work? When he make enough for his wife to stay home. He said and asked that.
Married to him, he doesn't want me to work a day. He wants me to be a Stay at home Wife SAHW. And when I give him his baby wish (he really really wants us to have a baby), he wants me to continue to stay home, be a SAHMom.
He does make enough, he make 167K a year, and he Debt-Free (we both are), he very responsible with money, life is comfy for us.
Perhaps I married a traditional man, but his views is, he said that he a "husband" and that if he can't even give me the most BASIC thing of what a husband can give a wife,--is give his wife a comfy life not have to worry about money, then he doesn't deserve to be my husband.
He secure everything from emotionally to financially so I can live a comfy life. I live a life not have to worry about a financial is all thank you to him. Everything I have right now is he gives me.
He knows all and everything about my abuse, he accept me for my everything, including my childhood abuse, and fully know my mother disapproved him, but he still chose to married me. He from another culture as me.
It already 5 years together with him, this is year 6; past or present, he always treats me really really well. He loves me in every possible way that he can, and he still love in every possible way that he can. I feel very blessed to have him as my husband.
I thought in my adulthood I can mend my relationship with my mother, but things got worst. Because my husband he is a from another culture and ethnicity as me, my mother disapproved him. My mother just won't accept him, he said she strongly disapproved him due to his ethnicity, she said it very clear it his ethnicity that she has a problem with, and it his ethnicity that is why she disapproved him.
My husband he is a 100% PURE blood Sierra Leonean, West African. His homeland (Sierra Leone, West Africa) it a small country with 6 millions population, it a tiny country. He speaks his native Sierra Leonean homeland language (the language that his ethnic group/tribe speak).
My native language is Chinese. We don't have a common native language, but we communicate with each others in English.
The old people generation can be very rigid, and especially with the the older generations of Chinese, my mother just can't seem to accept my husband ethnicity. She said I'm no longer her daughter, I make her "LOSE FACE", and she is very Ashamed of me.
She pretty much completely cut me off, she doesn't even allow me to drive back to visit my old father. Which it her house, she owns a house in the Asian community where there alot of Asian/Chinese and older generations living there. She will make sure to remove me off her property if I show up to visit my father. She prohibit me from visit my old father.
She said she ashamed of me, ashamed of my marriage. Not only I make her lose face to the family, but also lose face to the whole Chinese community. "Face" is something very important to Chinese.
My mother always insult my husband, her comments about my husband it just so hurtful. If I write out the insulting words my mother said about my husband, I just want to dig a hole and crawl in, or put a bag over my head; yes, it that terrible and hurtful.
She doesn't even care to know his name, let alone his jobs or who he is as a person.. NEVER once she care enough to met him.
But then she judge him right off the bat, said beyond hurtful words about him, insulting him. She insult him when she never met him before, Not even once. How fair is that to him?
She never give him a single chance, but then she already give him the dead sentence, just because she doesn't like his ethnicity (as she said it herself, it his ethnicity that she got a problem with and she will never accept him as a son in-law). How fair is that to him?
I accept my life as it is. Eventhough here in a country like U.S., my mother knows she can't no longer physically abused me like how she did in my childhood back in our homeland China. But in my adulthood, she still belittle me, emotionally abused me and mentally abused me.
My mother just always said hurtful things to me, she always called me dirty, a dirty prositute. In her eyes, I'm nothing but a dirty girl.
Beside call me dirty my mother called my future children dirty. According to my mother words, my future children are equally "Dirty" and shameful just like me--their mom.
You know it just hurts and hurts alot. When the woman who gave birth to me, bring me to this world. But belittle me, insult me, spit in my face and call me dirty. Said I'm dirty and full of shame.. In her eyes, I'm nothing but just a dirty and shameful girl, and a dirty prositute.
If you ever have anyone spit in your face before, you know exactly how it feels (let alone this is the woman that gave birth to you).. I'm sorry but to me spit in someone face, it is one of the worst thing that you can do to someone. I find that my mother spit in my face is worser damage (emotionally) than she slap me in my face.
I rather she just slap me. Or like in my childhood grab my head and push me down to the ground when she mad, taking out her anger on me. The physically hurt to me it less painful than have own mother spit in my face, it just hurts and hurts.
My father never stood up for me. Eventhough my father never call me dirty, but deep down inside he probably thinks like my mother. He just doesn't want to insult me like my mother, so he rather just keep quiet. Never once my father stood up for me.
It hurts alot that my own mother is ashamed of me. She also said if she knows I grow up married a man with the ethnicity like who I married, she rather not give birth to me, because I'm just a dirty prositute. I find it really hurtful that she is my mother but she said she regrets gave birth to me.
It hurts alot that she my mom but called me 'dirty', called my future children 'dirty'. She also said DO NOT ever bring those dirty grandchildren back to see her.
She make it very clear that when I'm pregnant, don't bring my dirty stomach back to see her, I'm not welcome nor is my dirty stomach. And she said after I give birth, don't bring that dirty shameful baby in her house.
My husband is dirty. My pregnant stomach is dirty, my baby will be dirty, because the baby father is dirty. It just all kinds of words to insult me. Dirty, dirty, I'm dirty, and my unborn baby is dirty.
Every words come out my mother mouth is I'm dirty, it like my mom ingrain it in my brain. I'm not dirty. I'm Married. Why is me sleep with the man that is my husband is dirty? He is my Husband! We 2.5 years into marriage, why is my future children dirty? He chose to married me, he is my husband, he is their father!
My mother, beside the abused, she is a very controlling woman. She said it clear straight in my face face, If I don't obey to her, I'm no longer her daughter.
She said it clear in our face, if me and my brother don't obey her command, we both are no longer her children. To her is about the power to Control us, we have to listen to her and obey her.
My mother just have to be able to "control" us, control her children, whether it me or my older brother.
And me married a man with an ethnicity that she disapproved, that is disobey to her, she doesn't see me as her daughter. She make it clear, I am no longer her daughter the day I married my husband.
My head and heart is very heavy, my mom gives me TREMENDOUS pressure.. I can't even see my old father, my mother will remove me from her property, as she has the rights to, she owns the house.
She won't met me visit my old father unless I sit through her lecture me and insulted me, and spit in my face. Or another option she gives me is divorce my husband, then she will let me see my father and will welcome me back as her daughter again (I know my mother purposely give me a hard time).
My mother said divorce my husband is not enough, but divorce here mean for the remainder of my life; until the day I die, I can't see his face again, under any circumstances. Until the day I die, I can't never cross path see him again.
She just so ashamed of me married to a man with an ethnicity like my husband.
My mother also curse my future children, she said if I have children with my husband--(she use a Chinese word insult my husband ethnicity), my children grow up will be prositute.. Not only my children will be prositute, but my children will spit in my husband face, their father face.
She said his children grow up will not see him as their father. And not only spit in his face, but will also hit him, as in beaten their father.
His children will be ashamed of him due to his ethnicity, too ashamed of him to see him as their father. Not only his children will be unfilial to him, but spit in his face, and also beaten him.. Even till the day my husband die, he will never see a day of his children where they will accept him as their father.
Every time I think of the words how my mother curse my children I tear up and cry.
I know the relationship between me and my mother is dead end. But I miss my father very, I want to see my father, but my mother won't let me. I don't know else can I do, I have tried everything. I have tried visit my father, but in order to be able to see my father, I have to sit through my mom lecture me and insult me, spit in my face, and listen to her hurtful words about my husband, and curse my future children.
Because I won't obey her, I won't leave my husband. She just won't let me see my father.
The only way she let me step in the house to see my father is if I sit there and let she belittle me, insult me, lecture me of how dirty I am. Sit there and hear all the hurtful words she said about my husband; her comments about my husband it just so hurtful.. Everytime I think about my mother insulting comments, I just want to dig a hole and crawl in, or put a bag over my head; yes, it that terrible and hurtful.
I don't want to be the girl that drive 1 hour on the freeway back to where my mom live, begging to see my father. And all I get is my mom lecture me, insult me, belittle me, and spit in my face. Insult me to the lowest and worsest level that she can.
Everytime I come back to see my father, I end up crying.. I know my mom just want to see me upset and cry. Perhaps she see me like this she happy, because I disobey her and married the guy she make it very clear that she disapproved.
I feel that my father is also ashamed of me, but I want to save whatever I have left with my father. I'm grasping at anything that I can grasp, hoping in vain that still have my father--I didn't lost my father too; at least I still have a father that care me. But my father doesn't care for me, I feel that my father is also ashamed of me.
Because not only my father know my cell phone # and never once he call me. What really hurt is when I visited, my mom lectured me, insulted me, and my father just walked straight into his room; just leave me out there in the living room let my mom continue insult me and lecture me. You don't know how hopeless I feel at that time. My father just leave me there in the living room with my mom, NEVER once he stood up for me.
It already clear where he stands, I KNOW this, but somehow I just can't seem to accept it. I just can't seem to accept the fact that even my own father abandon me too.
I don't know why my life is like this. I'm not an orphant. Why both my parents ashamed of me and not care for me? I'm their birth daughter, it not like they pick me up from an orphanage, why treats me this way?
My parent treast me like I'm some kind of disease. Why my parents treats me like this? Why?
I know my mom doesn't care for me, but what hurt so much is even my own father also doesn't care for me nor bother to step up for me.
My father have my cell phone # and NEVER once he bother call me.. On Chinese New Year I wait and wait hope my father will call me, but nothing. I know my mom hate me, but why my father hate me too? Eventhough my father doesn't insult or me flat out say the word he 'disown' me. But him have my cell phone # and never once call me, never once stood up for me, it clear that he also mind my marriage. Perhaps inside my father also think I'm dirty, he just doesn't want to insult me like how my mom did.
Why my father have my cell phone # but never call me? Why never stood up for me when my mom insult me? Deep down inside I know he is ashamed of me too, he just doesn't want to insult me like how my mother does.
Father's Day was a week ago, I miss and want to see my father, but I know my mom just won't let me. Unless I subject myself to her emotionally and verbally buse, then she let me see my father. I know my mom purposely give me pressure so I can leave my husband, but I don't want to leave my husband, why she keeps force me?
My father never phone me. Thanksgiving, Christmas, western New year and Chinese New Year passed, he never called me. And then Mother's Day passed, then Father's Day passed. And he never call me.. It clear where my father stand. I know this, I just can't seem to accept that I lost my father too.
I know my mother said it very clear straight in my face face, If I don't listen to her, I'm no longer her daughter.
I know I disobey my mother for married a man she disapproved, I'm an unfilial daughter, and I only have myself to blame. I know both my parents are ashamed of me, I know I already lost my mother a long time ago. In fact, I don't think I ever have my mother at all, my mother never love me.
I'm just hoping in vain that I still have my father that I still at least have a father that love me. But seem like I lost him too. It just hurts so much, it just hurts and hurts.
I'm sorry, I know it long and I'm rambling. I'm not good with wording. And I don't think before I talk. I always write straight out what in my brain, and my thoughts are scatter everywhere. I'm struggling strungle alot. My heart and head is very heavy. Everything about my mother and me it very very on my heart, it like a big rock mountain put on my chest. I know my childhood will follow me for the rest of my life.
I know I have alot to work through, especially the whole thing between me and my mother. I know I'm not ready to be a mom, the whole strain relationship between me and my mother is still heavy on my head.
My husband always wanted us to have a baby. It is "Me" that not ready to have a baby yet.
He said he loves me, he married me; I'm his "wife"--IF I don't give him a baby, then who will? He said that, and he said he will wait for me till I'm ready.
He said there only one woman can call him "husband", and there only one woman can bear his children; and that woman is the woman he chose to married to--his wife.. And he only wanted the woman that is his 'wife' to bear his children.
My husband really want us to have a baby, if it was up to him, he doesn't want me to take birth control pills, he wants me to get off my birth control pills and let nature take it course.
But it me that not ready to be a mom yet, so what can he do. So he said he wait for me until I'm ready to give him his baby wish.
We got married 2.5 years ago, so perhaps it time to have a baby. I just turn 33, my husband is 31 (he one year and couple months younger than me). For a man, age 31 is still young and he is at the prime age of his life. But me at the age 33, my child bearing age is not young anymore.
My plan was wait till 35 and then TTC and have a baby. There things in my life that I need to work on, especially the strain relationship between me and my mother in my adulthood, and her abuse me throughout my whole childhood.
I wanted to wait 2 more years then TTC, but now at the age of 33, whether I'm ready or not, (I'm pregnant) I'm going to be a mom. I guess it not that earlier than I expected, but it still earlier than I expected.
Here are my pregnancy tests pics below, that I took 3 weeks ago. I took it 5 days straight in a row, I pee on about 20 Dollar Tree cheapie tests and one digital, and it ALL positive, regardless of when I took it or how many tests I took it, I have a clear dark line every.single.time I tested. The positive line is clear, I didn't even have to squint my eyes to see the line. I'm pregnant.
Perhaps at the time when I took the the pregnancy tests, I was having a hard time accept that I'm pregnant due to the whole strain situation between me and my mother. I told myself, No, I can't be pregnant, I'm not pregnant.
I heard is if you drink a high volume of water, drinking too much water can dilute the hCG (hCG is a hormone that only produced in pregnant women) level in your output urine. So I tried drank alot of water to dilute my urine, so maybe the hCG line won't show up if I drink high volume of water?
And I avoid test it in morning, because I know morning urine is the highest hCG, so I avoid it.. I ONLY test it in the afternoon/evening and night time only, while drink alot of water to dilute the hCG level in my urine.
I drank 6 bottles of water during these tests in these pics below. And the positive line is still there, even with diluted pee and lots of water bottles.. All the tests regardless of how much water I drink or whenevre I take, it has this clear dark line. I know I'm pregnant.
I know only job of the test is just to detect if I have hCG in my ruine. If there no hCG in your urine, regardless of how much urine you dip it in, it just won't appear a dark line.
I KNOW that I'm pregnant, I had a hard time accept it. But I know I need to come in term of accept it.
And I have come to term of accept it, I have accepted it. Regardless of how the relationship with my mother is, it doesn't change the fact that I'm pregnant. I'm going to be a mom.
eta: Sorry, I'll leave the pics in links format then.
Close up pics:
oh, and if you wonder about the nametag that I handwrite my username [Hi, I'm thestairs] on it, and stick it next to my pee sticks in the pics.. "thestairs" is my username in a mommie-baby site where I'm a frequent poster on (it an all women community forum for mommies, pregnancy, women who TTC, etc.. where women talk to other women for advice and support). I did post a poll in there when I took my pregnancy tests, asked to help look at my pee sticks. And the ladies in there said all my pee sticks are clear positive. pregnant.
My username Thestairs/Thestaircase is a memory between me and my husband. I went from the girl in his neighborhood to his wife. When he court me, he purposely chose the public staircase that closest to my apartment, quietly sit there and wait for me. Day by day gone by whenever he back from work and have the time free, he would come back to this same stairscase wait and wait for me.
So I chose the nickname thestairs, it a memory between me and my husband.. My username here in TK is thestaircase, and my username in the mommie-baby site is thestairs.
If you read the above of how my mother curse my children, every time I think of my mother words curse my children, I tear up and cry.
I have not tell my mom that I'm pregnant, and I don't plan to tell her. I feel very unfilial, but I don't want her to know I'm pregnant, or give birth. I just don't want her to know, she will curse my children.
Even if I phone and tell her, I will cry. I know I will cry when I heard she said those things above about my children, and curse my children.
Those words she said it just so hurtful, it cause me pain and make me cry. I know how much my husband sacrifice in this relationship/marriage. I don't want to hear my mother curse my children, or call me a dirty prositute and dirty stomach, dirty baby. Yes, my mother call my baby dirty, a dirty baby. She said when I'm pregnant, my baby is just a dirty baby.
Only few people know that I'm pregnant. So far I only told my husband, and my MIL (my husband's mom). Which my husband and my MIL are both thrilled and very happy.
I also told my older brother. But I specificly asked my brother NOT to tell my mother. Which my brother nevrer have a good relationship with our controlling mother, he promise he won't tell her. I haven't tell anyone else about my pregnancy.
My husband did tell his boss, I mean his boss has to know, as he wants to save all his sick days, personal days, and vacation weeks all for my pregnancy. And he said he wants and must go with me to ALL of my prenantal appointments.
I just want a peaceful and quiet pregnancy with my husband, and welcome this baby to the world.
I not plan to tell my mother about me pregnant, because I know everytime I'm on the phone or see her in person, I end up cry and cry. And I don't want my baby to be effect by my crying. I know my mood effect the baby mood.
If, IF there that beautiful day where my mother come around and accept my husband, it never too late to introduce her to her grandchild. As of now, I don't want her to know about my pregnancy, or me give birth. And No, I don't want my mother know when I deliver or come to the hospital. I know how my mother is, she will make a scene, and I will end up crying, I probably go into labor early if I bawl and cry like that in the hospital.
I don't want her to know I give birth. Am I the most unfilial daughter for not let she know that I'm pregnant or give birth, and not want her to come to the hospital room?
My mother already have 4 grandchildren from my brother, my brother is married with 4 kids. I don't think my mother will care that I give birth or care about this fifth grandchild of hers, as she curse my children in the above, said my children are dirty, a dirty baby, dirty grandchildren. My baby is dirty, because my husband--their father is dirty. And I'm also dirty, because he is my husband. I really don't think my mother care that I'm pregnant or give birth.
The hospital will give me my request that I don't want my mother come in the my hospital room right? Because I know if she there lecture me and curse me, I know I will cry. I just don't want to even have to cry during my labor day.
In the past I suck it up, my mother can insult me and spit in my face all she wants, as long as I can see my old father and see how he doing. But now I'm pregnant, I know I can't do it anymore. I know can't subject myself to my mother abuse anymore, and I will NOT carry my pregnant stomach over and let she emotionally, mentally and verbally abuse me. I know I will bawl and cry when I'm there, I can't subject myself to her lecture me of how dirty I am, or how dirty my husband is, or how dirty my baby is. No.
Before pregnant, I can suck it up just so I can visit and see my father. But now I can't, because I'm pregnant now. And I refuse to subject my pregnant stomach to her emotionally and verbally abuse.
I don't mind suck it up just so I can see my father, but that was before pregnant. Now I'm pregnant, I can't do it.
I don't want my mother to know I'm pregnant or know I give birth, I don't want her to show up at the hospital room. I know she will make a scene, and I will probably go to labor early, if I can't control my crying and if I bawl and cry.
I think about this alot, and it best that my mother doesn't know I'm pregnant or give birth.
IF one beautiful day my mother accept my husband, he more than just his ethnicity (as she said it very clear herself, it his ethnicity that she has a problem with), I'm sorry, but he bleeds red and he has feelings too. If one day she accept him, I will introduce her to her grandchild. I will NOT let my mother emotionally and verbally abuse my children like how she abuse me.
Am I asking too much? All I ask for is a peaceful and quiet pregnancy. I just want to have a peaceful pregnancy, and give my husband this baby, the baby that he always wanted, eventhough I'm not sure if I'm ready to be a mom yet.
I will do everything, everything, to bring this baby to this world. I chose the baby life over my life in a heartbeat.