Wedding Woes

Asking for what you want is not sleazy.

Dear Prudence,

I'm a 48-year-old gay bear who recently started dating a 29-year-old guy. We met through friends about a year ago, began having regular cuddle sessions, and finally started a relationship. He is funny, smart, sexy, and caring. He's emotionally mature and financially secure, and he's as crazy about me as I am about him. We're falling in love, and it's wonderful.

The confusing part is that he doesn’t normally go for bears and his sexual and relationship experiences have been very narrow. Our sexual encounters start and end well, but he isn’t interested in expanding the menu on foreplay. He's physically attentive in everyday situations, a champion cuddler, and a decent kisser. We both enjoy giving and receiving when it comes to the act itself, but he’s not willing to do much in between. He doesn't enjoy giving oral (but loves receiving it), and doesn't look at or touch the more intimate parts of my body very much. I'm constantly wondering whether his lack of engagement in foreplay is because I'm not his type, his lack of experience with guys like me, or both. I've asked about it, and he says I'm beautiful, he just doesn't enjoy doing those things. I love this guy, but I need to feel physically attractive, and I want our sex life to be mutually fulfilling. I can't imagine going without receiving oral sex and other great foreplay indefinitely. How do I engage him on the topic (again) without sounding neurotic or sleazy?

–Insecure and Frustrated

Re: Asking for what you want is not sleazy.

  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    LW needs to have a talk with his BF at a non-sexual time and lay out exactly what he says here.  LW may need to think about if he can live without one of his favorite sex acts.  If he can, then he should continue on.  But if he cannot, then just end it now before things get too far down the road.
  • nicolegs17nicolegs17 YoMamaHouse member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    More than 4 men, my friend.  Time to pack it up and move on.
  • Or why don't they just be like all the gay couples I know and have an open relationship? More than 2 options here, dude. 
  • He should definitely have a talk with his b/f at a non-sexual time.  But he needs to face the facts that this guy might just be a selfish lover who will never/rarely do these things.  And perhaps that is a dealbreaker for the LW.

    I mean, nobody should be "forced or pressured" to do something they don't want or like to do.  But, at the same time, I'd drop a guy like a hot rock if he was feeding me some b.s. like, "Well I like it when YOU touch me and give me oral sex, but I really don't like doing that for you."

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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