The "no thank you card" trend

marigold40

Thoughts on the article below? Out of the last 6 weddings I've attended, I have only received 1 thank you card. All of the gifts I gave were not cheap (not that it should matter) and I included a card with each gift so they know who it is from. Obviously they have my address because they sent a wedding invitation. This isn't even including baby showers, house warmings, birthdays, and other times I have given gifts. And when I see these couples now, they don't seem to be embarrassed or "crap, I forgot her thank you card!" It's just like normal, nothing odd happened. Anyone else notice the lack of thank you cards? I don't understand how this becoming the norm. It's so tacky and rude. "Life gets in the way and couples forget." No, it's laziness. They didn't forget about the gifts or money, did they?
"Between work, social media addictions, creating a new home together, it falls into the 'I'll eventually get to it' category and it never gets done." Nope, nope, nope, lame excuses. Over half of couples live together prior to getting married and they had time before to plan the wedding, right? Too busy on social media to send thank yous?? Are you freaking kidding me?! Thank you cards are easily do-able on the weekends over 1-2 months. No excuse in my opinion. The lavish reception isn't the same as thanking someone for a gift. It's unfortunate, but I don't anticipate receiving thank yous anymore because of their rarity. Maybe I'll just give a box of thank you cards and roll of stamps as future wedding gifts. LOL 

http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1043177/tacky-wedding-trend-are-wedding-gift-thank-you-cards-a-thing-of-the-past

ei34

I've never once in seven years received a thank you card from anyone on my H's side of the family (birthday gifts, baptisms, graduations and two weddings).  I'll never get used to it.
In every other social circle (my family, my friends, coworkers) everyone is diligent with thank you cards.
 I don't think there's any excuse not to write them.  I even have my three toddlers scribble in crayon after I've written a thank you note for gifts they receive, telling them we're thanking so-and-so for such-and-such, just so they get into the habit early.

ILoveBeachMusic

I totally agree that it is inexcusable to not write a thank you note. I'm to the point that if I don't get a thank you note, there won't be future gifts. I was like @eileenrob, my kids scribbled a picture on notes that I wrote then wrote their names as soon as they knew how. I just don't understand why people think they are unnecessary. I bet those are also the people that get all bent out of shape when they don't receive a gift!

redwoodoriginal

No thank you cards are one of my pet peeves. I've given so many gifts at work for weddings or babies and have gotten maybe 1 thank you card in return. I just had a work baby shower and by the end of the week I wrote every thank you note and gave it to my coworkers. They all genuinely looked shocked and happily surprised to get a thank you card. I can't imagine getting gifts and NOT thanking people correctly!

CMGragain

A box of "Thank You" cards is a very appropriate shower gift.  When my mother died three years ago, I kept all her blank "Thank You" cards for my own future use.  They are about half gone now.

Good manners are not old fashioned, or out of style.  Rudeness is never acceptable.  I would drop these "friends".

southernbelle0915

I think this comes from kids who never had to write thank you notes for birthdays, graduations or other events where they received gifts. So why would they now? How is this any different from events in the past where they got presents and didn't write thank you notes?

Parents - if you aren't emphasizing the importance of gratitude and teaching your kids how to express it appropriately (with a TY note), you're part of the problem. 

ETA - I should add that, if my kid refuses/neglects to write thank you notes (when he can actually write) for his birthday/other parties, he simply won't have parties where he receives gifts. Very simple. 

ahoywedding

CMGragain said:

A box of "Thank You" cards is a very appropriate shower gift.  When my mother died three years ago, I kept all her blank "Thank You" cards for my own future use.  They are about half gone now.

Good manners are not old fashioned, or out of style.  Rudeness is never acceptable.  I would drop these "friends".

This is a great idea! I buy packs of pretty, blank-inside cards whenever I see them, just so that we always have plenty. 

Count me in the group that's appalled by not sending thank you cards. I remember our parents making us write them, starting from the time we could mostly hold a crayon or pencil. And we had to write more than just "thank you for x, it's very nice!" We sent them to families and friends, but I don't remember getting many from friends when I attended their birthday parties. 

One of my biggest worries after the wedding was that some of our thank you cards would get lost in the mail or not delivered and the guest would think we didn't send one.

thisismynickname2

I'm thrilled people are still teaching their small children to write TYs. I gave my close friend and her young daughter tickets to the ballet not for any occasion, but because I had them and couldn't go at the last minute. I was so pleased to get a TY note a couple weeks with the daughter's preschool scrawl on it. Manners are timeless! 

kaos16

So sad. . . . I love giving thank you notes when I receive a gift, or if someone does something exceptional.  I also send "Just Because" notes to friends when they are going through a rough time.  I love getting mail, and I'm sure others do to.  I do thank yous for any gift my son receives as well, and when he is a little bigger he'll help with them.

Target often has cute little thank you cards in their dollar section, I have a bunch in my drawer at work.  Funny story: I accidentally bought a thank you banner there one day.  It is the size of a card but folds out accordion style into a long banner that says thank you.  I threw it in the drawer thinking it was impractical for most people.  A coworker just went away, and gave my son a gift he picked up on vacation from his son (they are both 1.5 years old)  Turns out, a toddler is the perfect recipient for a thank you banner!!!  According to his dad, he absolutely loved opening it and looking at it!

Ro041

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

kaos16

Ro041 said:

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

interesting that you equate "formalities" or manners, as I like to call it, with money spent.

marigold40

The first comment posted below the article in the link really summed it up right, in my opinion:
"I'm going to send Thank You notes to everyone I'm inviting. If they bring a gift or cash, that's awesome, but that's not the be all end all. I'm working hard to pull off a great day to spend with my friends and family, and I'm going to be so grateful for every person, whether or not they get me an awesome toaster. The fact that somebody is going to choose to spend their day with me instead of doing their own thing is reason enough for my thanks."

TrixieJess

This is not a "trend", it's a lazy-assed generation who didn't learn manners. Now, not to generalize, because it's not all of them, but there seems to be a definite entitlement factor to many people these days (of all generations) and people are losing sight of the importance of manners. 

FTR, I do thank you cards for my son and now that he's old enough to sign them, he does. 

MairePoppy

My cousins' adult children don't send thank you notes for  anything - confirmations, graduations, weddings, baby showers. We are left wondering if the gift has been received. We gave checks for the last few events. One cousin wrote thank you on the check memo line and cashed it write away. At least he said thank you. The other cousin finally deposited her graduation check months after we gave it to her, probably as she was getting ready to leave for college. Never heard from her. One of the moms thinks that people should  give gifts because they really want to, not because they want to receive thanks! I've decided no thank you, no more gifts.

With the exception of those cousins, I've received thank you notes for every single shower and wedding. Sometimes they are very late, but at least they acknowledge the gifts.

Ro041

kaos16 said:

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Ro041 said:

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

interesting that you equate "formalities" or manners, as I like to call it, with money spent.

I don't.  I equate them with the frequency of the event.  As a general matter, you will have fewer weddings, babies, and graduations than you do birthdays in your lifetime.  So, I tend to spend more for those events than for a birthday.  It's not about money.

For example, in the federal government (where I work) it is an ethics issue to give your boss a birthday gift because it is not a "significant life event" i.e. it comes up every year whether you want it to or not.  However, ethics permits me to buy my boss a gift for a wedding, shower, or other significant life event.  So I am not the only one who treats the two differently - the entire federal government draws the line between routine and significant.   

ETA:  I think that as adults, if a friend gives you a nice gesture for your birthday, it doesn't automatically require a thank you note.  Sometimes, in lieu of giving a friend a gift, I will buy them dinner.  Do I expect a thank you note?  No.  Why would I expect one for a $25 bottle of wine?  I don't view it as a manners issue for regular life celebrations like birthdays (between friends).  

This view is not necessarily true when it comes to children receiving gifts from extended family.  That is a different dynamic at play and should be thanked accordingly.  

flantastic

I don't remember ever writing thank you notes as a kid. I still don't quite get why the written note itself is so paramount in some circles. Sure, we had to be sure to thank the person for our gift, but if it was a birthday gift and the person was there, we just thanked them. We didn't also send a note after. Or we just said thank you the next time we saw them. I would not have understood as a kid why redundant thank yous were required, or why a note was a better "level" of thank you.

I definitely wrote thank you notes for the wedding and baby stuff, and DD sends thank yous now (my parents wouldn't care, but DH's family is a thank you note family, so they'll expect it as part of good behavior later). But that was mostly because I got the sense that some people really find it super paramount, and also how else are you supposed to thank some people you don't know well?

So I can see how many people grow up without ever writing thank you notes, and wouldn't think to do it for their wedding. That doesn't always mean they don't know that showing appreciation for gifts is a good thing, but I can understand where if you were present at the shower where they opened your gift and thanked you, they wouldn't see a reason separately to write you a note.

kahluakoala

Ro041 said:

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kaos16 said:

Ro041 said:

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

interesting that you equate "formalities" or manners, as I like to call it, with money spent.

I don't.  I equate them with the frequency of the event.  As a general matter, you will have fewer weddings, babies, and graduations than you do birthdays in your lifetime.  So, I tend to spend more for those events than for a birthday.  It's not about money.

For example, in the federal government (where I work) it is an ethics issue to give your boss a birthday gift because it is not a "significant life event" i.e. it comes up every year whether you want it to or not.  However, ethics permits me to buy my boss a gift for a wedding, shower, or other significant life event.  So I am not the only one who treats the two differently - the entire federal government draws the line between routine and significant.   

ETA:  I think that as adults, if a friend gives you a nice gesture for your birthday, it doesn't automatically require a thank you note.  Sometimes, in lieu of giving a friend a gift, I will buy them dinner.  Do I expect a thank you note?  No.  Why would I expect one for a $25 bottle of wine?  I don't view it as a manners issue for regular life celebrations like birthdays (between friends).  

This view is not necessarily true when it comes to children receiving gifts from extended family.  That is a different dynamic at play and should be thanked accordingly.  

If I gave someone a bottle of wine for their birthday and they mailed me a written thank you note I would find it really strange. An in person thank you is fine. And if I mailed something, a call or a text is fine. I would find it a bit OOT - I can't be the only one.

MairePoppy

flantastic said:

I don't remember ever writing thank you notes as a kid. I still don't quite get why the written note itself is so paramount in some circles. Sure, we had to be sure to thank the person for our gift, but if it was a birthday gift and the person was there, we just thanked them. We didn't also send a note after. Or we just said thank you the next time we saw them. I would not have understood as a kid why redundant thank yous were required, or why a note was a better "level" of thank you.

I definitely wrote thank you notes for the wedding and baby stuff, and Clare sends thank yous now (my parents wouldn't care, but Kevin's family is a thank you note family, so they'll expect it as part of good behavior later). But that was mostly because I got the sense that some people really find it super paramount, and also how else are you supposed to thank some people you don't know well?

So I can see how many people grow up without ever writing thank you notes, and wouldn't think to do it for their wedding. That doesn't always mean they don't know that showing appreciation for gifts is a good thing, but I can understand where if you were present at the shower where they opened your gift and thanked you, they wouldn't see a reason separately to write you a note.

My cousins usually have large parties and don't open the gifts in front of the guests. They think that's tacky? We really have no idea if they have lost our gifts if they don't write a thank you note. So, yes, it's annoying. And rude.

As children, we had birthday parties with our close family members. We did as you did, thanked the grandparents, aunt and uncle, for their gifts as we opened them. We didn't write thank you notes. I wish we had been taught to make a habit of writing the notes before we used the gifts.  I think it's great that you're teaching your little Clare (love that name) to write the notes, draw a picture or whatever. The grandparents and aunts and uncles probably love receiving them.

marigold40

Yes, I agree that it doesn't necessarily have to come in card form. If you are in person thanking them verbally face-to-face is fine or a phone call to thank someone is fine too. If I give a friend a birthday bottle of wine in person or I bring a gift to a baby shower in person and she thanks me in person, that's sufficient in my opinion. I don't feel she then also needs to follow it up with a card. But typically at weddings the couple is not handling the gifts... there is usually a friend/relative in charge of gathering the gifts. So the couple doesn't thank the guests in person who bring gifts to the wedding. Hence the need to send a thank you card (or I'd be fine with a phone call if they prefer to call the guests if they don't like sending cards). My kids wrote thank you cards as kids and sometimes they would request to call Grandma to thank her so then they can talk to her too. Of course I wouldn't say they also need to send her a card... they still thanked her. But no "thank you" of any sort (verbally, by phone, card, etc.) I think is rude. 

divarhd

My mom's biggest pet peeve.  Her friend's son got married about 2 years ago now and she didn't receive a thank you card for the shower gift or wedding gift.  She's still talking about it especially now that I'm getting married.  I actually intended to get thank you cards to match my invitations

JeeGooDowster

I'm just agreeing with everyone here!  Thank you Cards/Notes should never be outdated!!!

CMGragain

Funny family story. Most of you know my late mother had mental problems. One of her eccentricities was to demand thank you notes, sometimes even before the gift was opened. She would follow up with phone calls demanding where her thank note was - often the day after the gift was received.

When she died, I wrote a thank you note and put it in her coffin

MissKittyDanger

CMGragain said:

Funny family story. Most of you know my late mother had mental problems. One of her eccentricities was to demand thank you notes, sometimes even before the gift was opened. She would follow up with phone calls demanding where her thank note was - often the day after the gift was received.

When she died, I wrote a thank you note and put it in her coffin

Tbh, most may have thought it was weird but I think that's an interesting thing to acknowledge something that was so strongly her personality

Mircakes

I've never written thank you cards for birthdays, but I also never really got gifts from people other than my parents and maybe grandparents. I've also never gotten a thank you card for a birthday gift. 

But for my college graduation, better believe I wrote out thank you notes and mailed them off to anyone and everyone who gave a gift. And for my wedding I will, without a doubt, do the same. But, I also came from a family where good manners are very important. 

WinstonsGirl

I don't do/expect thank you notes for birthdays, though usually they're given in person and thank yous happen right there.  The last few wedding though we haven't received ty cards. I'm not overly impressed. Funnily enough, I had to force DH to do ty cards for our wedding. He said he found written notes very impersonal and would rather call people individually to thank them instead, finding that to be more appropriate. The notes went out anyway. 

As as kids we were expected to phone relatives and thank them for Christmas/birthday gifts rather than writing a note. 

kristinalynn91

I'd be highly offended if I didn't get a thank you card at some point from the couple. I've always been taught to thank people for anything they do that is a kind gesture, especially in big life events like these.

You are paying for their meal, but they cleared their schedule and took time to pick out a nice gift for you- that may have been expensive! I think not sending a thank you is tacky and rude. Yes, sometimes they don't get out right away. After a wedding, couples go on Honeymoons, they might be in the process of buying a house together, the bride is focused on changing her name, etc. But it's still something that needs to be done and time needs to be taken out to do so. It's just basic etiquette. 

knottiec0607c2fda3eba98

As a kid my parents never took the time do thank you notes for birthday gifts. I did it for other big occasions. I would totally do it for bridal showers and wedding gifts. It not right not to do that. I would be hurt if I never received a thank you. 

balewinazoo

Last month I went to a baby shower for a good friend of mine. She has an older child (~9y.o.) from a previous relationship, and I wanted to make sure he didn't feel left out with all the attention new baby sister was going to get that day. I picked up a few toys from the dollar store and a card for him that explained that they were for him when his mom went into labor to keep him occupied. Not only did I get a prompt thank you note from my friends for the gift for the new baby, but the boy also sent me a thank you note for his toys! I thought there was a mistake at first when I got two notes from them on the same day before I opened them, but my heart absolutely smiled when I saw the second one was from the son. It could have been so easy for her to include his thanks on her card, but instead she had him write it himself. 

knottie69fc6038b39dc651

Well, I think it is important to write thank you notes in a timely manner.  I hate having them hanging over my head.  That said, I have given gifts many times and never received a thank you note. 

kvruns

Ro041 said:

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

This is me too. Growing up I don't remember ever writing a thank you card for a birthday or Christmas gift although we would do a phone call to say thank you to grandparents or whoever. As an adult I will send an email saying thank you for XYZ gift if I don't get to talk to the person (like my grandparents or uncle). 

But for wedding and baby gifts I got thank you cards out right away. I've honestly never thought about why I don't do birthdays but did the other events other than it is "expected". 

I do think that when Baby B is a bit older I will have him do thank you notes and start the trend early

MissKittyDanger

kvruns said:

show previous quotes

Ro041 said:

I honestly don't send thank you notes for birthday gifts and don't expect to receive thank you notes when I give birthday gifts.  Most birthday gifts are relatively inexpensive (bottle of wine etc) so I don't expect the formalities of a thank you note.  

I do, however, expect them for larger events (showers, graduations, weddings), where you are expected to shell out more than you otherwise would. 

This is me too. Growing up I don't remember ever writing a thank you card for a birthday or Christmas gift although we would do a phone call to say thank you to grandparents or whoever. As an adult I will send an email saying thank you for XYZ gift if I don't get to talk to the person (like my grandparents or uncle). 

But for wedding and baby gifts I got thank you cards out right away. I've honestly never thought about why I don't do birthdays but did the other events other than it is "expected". 

I do think that when Baby B is a bit older I will have him do thank you notes and start the trend early

I know my coworker is having her daughters do thank you notes for gifts because quite often they run out of time at parties, so gifts are opened at home.

It's a sweet idea I love getting hand made cards/drawings from kids