I absolutely love the idea of a first look photo-shoot. It's intimate and compliments the low-key personality of FI and I. I have mentioned multiple times to people, including FMIL, that FI and I will meet alone to have a first look, then travel to the venue to take pictures with family. We recently had our engagement photo-shoot and the conversation of the first look came up, when she says "Mama would like to be there" in a baby voice, referring to herself.
I've had multiple disagreements in the past with FMIL about several aspects of the wedding. At one point she said our wedding was going to be a shit show and threatened to tell her family not to show up if we held our ceremony in a chapel instead of a church. All revolving around the fact that FI and I want simple and low-key and she wants a big fancy wedding.
I know some brides choose to have family at their first look. We are choosing to not to. I did not extend an invitation to any of my family members to go to the first look.
Is she ignoring my previous statements, or thinking FI will say jump in and say "yeah, come along!"?
How do I politely tell her, I want it to just be FI and I?
Re: First Look and FMIL
We did a first look and it was just us; TBH I've never heard of family attending that part.
I also did a first look, and it was just me and my husband. I've honestly never heard of a first look where other family members were present.
Reading that sent shivers down my spine.
No. No. No. It makes me wonder where else "mama would like to be" throughout your marriage and subsequent milestones. It sounds like "mama" is used to getting her way. YOU should not need to have "multiple disagreements with your FMIL. These are issues that either your FI and you face together, or just FI to his family.
Do NOT divulge any unnecessary wedding information to your FMIL, including any details regarding the when and where of your first look. Mama is clearly having some separation issues. Start setting firm and clear boundaries NOW as a united couple.
Y'all need to be on the same page though. Honestly, I wouldn't even tell her where and what time you're doing it since she kind of sounds pushy enough to be a crasher. When she asks just tell her "we haven't decided yet" or "we're still figuring it out" and then change the subject.
Be sure that you & your FI are setting firm boundaries with her now, because she sounds like she's going to push any limits.
Thankfully he has been very supportive throughout the whole thing and has been by my side the entire time taking the brunt of her tantrums.
@lovesclimbing I agree that he should be the one to tell her and he is on board. I'm just not sure it will be easier, in the past she takes the opportunity to tell him how unreasonable/selfish he is being because this is "her only wedding."
@southernbelle0915, thankfully when she mentioned that he immediately jumped in and said we didn't have any details.
@climbingwife and @charlotte989875 I was in a BP, we were present at the first look in addition to the parents and grandparents. I felt like it was weird but each couple is different.
Too bad. He has to grow a backbone (or reinforce the one he has) and shut that down.
Don't get involved and leave blood to talk to blood.
He should probably start with "Mom, it is completely inappropriate to talk like a baby. I can appreciate you would like to be included, but a first look is not something that you are being invited to. You will be included in family photographs." If she puts up a stink, he can always threaten to not include her in anything ... but then you all have to be prepared to deal with the consequences.
Her behaviour is learned and it is coming from how she has been interacted with and what she gets from displaying that behaviour. If you all cave, she will continue with that.
"Her only wedding," assuming she is/was married, was hers.
Second, I would not give her the details of where the first look is happening. If she knows, she'll barge in.
Third, just in case, I'd arrange for a trusted relative, friend or DOC who can handle your FMIL keep her away if she shows up at the first look.
@lovesclimbing, I like the way you worded that. I will pass it on to him!
@kaos16 No she was not at the engagement shoot. We didn't talk about it until afterwards. In the beginning I would talk about my ideas and she would agree with me then trash my ideas to FI via text or phone. He stopped taking her phone calls and we didn't include her in any wedding conversations/activities for about a year and she calmed down.
We haven't given her any details, I've only mentioned that it would be FI and I taking photos. No place or time. I like your suggestion of delegating someone else to handle her just in case she shows up.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, and I'm glad to hear that your FI is on the same page. I hope he's able to be firm with her and stand your ground. Dealing with in-laws can be one of the more difficult (and often underestimated) challenges of a new marriage. Encourage your FI to stand his (your) ground ... if you're weak now, this will only get worse as your marriage progresses.
@holyguacamole79 Thank you for the words of encouragement! During the planning process she has made me feel like I was doing something wrong at every point. It's good to hear opinions from other women and know I'm not being unreasonable.
If she is married, you might get away with sharing your concerns with her husband. However, I do not think it is appropriate to ask any other family member to carry that burden or to feel responsible if FMIL does do something.
Most people do not, but it worked better for us to have them there. I actually enjoyed it. Both moms cried. My nieces were jumping up and down when DH turned around. It was my dad's first look at me in my dress too. Everyone was cheering. It was a really sweet moment.
Clearly the OP doesn't want that and it should be respected.
I already spoke to FI and he agrees that we just want to two of us. He will talk to her about it and if she is still adamant on going I was thinking of asking FMIL Husband to keep her occupied during the First Look. It would not be an all night assignment. I'm sure that once the reception starts she will be occupied by her family members.
I definitely don't want this to be a breaking point between the two of us. We had a rough start with the wedding planning and we are at a good place now.