Wedding Woes

Why are the messiest problems always the shortest letters?

Dear Prudence,

My husband died unexpectedly a week ago, shortly after I discovered he’d been having an affair with his boss, “Laura.” I never got the chance to confront him about it, and my grieving process has been complicated by my sense of betrayal and because I’ll never get the answers I’m desperate for. I’m focusing on caring for my two young children. Laura began a fundraising campaign without consulting me, not that I would have taken a call from her in the first place. I can’t deal with her now or ever, although I’m not in a position to turn down money. I also don’t want her at the funeral. What’s the most concise way to excise this person (who begged my husband to leave me) from my life?

—Mistress Won’t Leave Me Alone

Re: Why are the messiest problems always the shortest letters?

  • Fun fact: Anger is 100% part of grieving.

    Counseling will help with understanding how to deal/cope with the anger but with "Laura" you have 2 options as I see it

    1 - tell her she's done enough to your life by being 'the other woman' and to leave you alone

    2 - ignore her and learn how to deal with your new situation and kids.

    I personally vote option 2, she doesn't sound worth it.
    mrsconn23InLoveInQueensOurWildKingdomPrettyGirlLost
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey member
    Tenth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I'm with Nicolegs17.  I don't think I would hold my tongue at all. 
    nicolegs17
  • I'm with Nicolegs17.  I don't think I would hold my tongue at all. 
    I think that's a perfectly legit response, by then I don't think LW can accept her money either. 
    OliveOilsMom
  • nicolegs17nicolegs17 YoMamaHouse member
    25 Love Its 10 Comments First Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited August 2017
    I'm with Nicolegs17.  I don't think I would hold my tongue at all. 
    I think that's a perfectly legit response, by then I don't think LW can accept her money either. 
    Who wants the Laura money anyways?

    LW needs to start her own funding campaign if she needs assistance.

    ETA:  I would eat beans for months before accepting a dime of money she raised.
    charlotte989875mrsconn23OliveOilsMom
  • I'm with Nicolegs17.  I don't think I would hold my tongue at all. 
    I think that's a perfectly legit response, by then I don't think LW can accept her money either. 
    Who wants the Laura money anyways?

    LW needs to start her own funding campaign if she needs assistance.

    ETA:  I would eat beans for months before accepting a dime of money she raised.
    I mean, I agree. But the letter says she's not in a position to turn down money. You don't get to call someone out, publically blow up their life, then accept money from them. 
    PrettyGirlLost
  • climbingsingleclimbingsingle NYC 'burbs member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    edited August 2017
    Oh HELL NO! I also would not keep my thoughts to myself, and I absolutely would give Laura an earful. This woman has a lot of balls to start a fundraiser, when she was sleeping with this man and asking him to leave his family. 

    I would not accept the money, and I would tell her she better not show her face at the funeral. 

    ETA: and if their company had an HR department, I would contact them and tell them about the affair. 

    mrsconn23charlotte989875OliveOilsMomPrettyGirlLost
  • I'm with Nicolegs17.  I don't think I would hold my tongue at all. 
    I think that's a perfectly legit response, by then I don't think LW can accept her money either. 
    Who wants the Laura money anyways?

    LW needs to start her own funding campaign if she needs assistance.

    ETA:  I would eat beans for months before accepting a dime of money she raised.
    I mean, I agree. But the letter says she's not in a position to turn down money. You don't get to call someone out, publically blow up their life, then accept money from them. 
    Right. Hence my suggestion of trying to get Laura's fundraiser shut down. Then when you start your own, you don't miss out on the money of friends who had already donated there because they didn't have a clue.
    Yup totally agree. Friends want to help, but don't let Laura take credit for that. 
    nicolegs17OliveOilsMom
  • This fundraising campaign sounds like guilt money over the affair.  
    Exactly what I was thinking.

    mrsconn23
  • I read it as a way for Laura to stay involved, noticed, praised, and relevant in the man's life, or afterlife as it is now.
    kimmiinthemittenPrettyGirlLost
  • flantasticflantastic The Midwest member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I read it as a way for Laura to stay involved, noticed, praised, and relevant in the man's life, or afterlife as it is now.
    Yeah. I think it's "I'm special and important to this person and so naturally I'm the one who would be collecting the money for his funeral." It's a little bit like the people who want to be the first to post about other people's life events on Facebook, just so everyone can see/will think how "close" they are to that person.
    charlotte989875climbingsingle
  • I had family in this position: in love with a married man who was always promising to leave his wife for her, until his heart attack. She made some really bad decisions, but she didn't get into it knowing he was married, and she really loved him.  HE was the one who was in the wrong, first and foremost. 

    I'm not absolving Laura (if she knew about his wife, which as a manager she probably did), particularly because of the power dynamic in the relationship. But there's a good chance that she's devastated and grieving, too, and not making the best decisons as a result. 

    I don't know what I'd do in this situation - probably something very similar to what @southernbelle0915 said. But I would never stop someone from coming to a funeral of someone they're grieving, too, or have security escort them out. That just seems too cruel. 
  • I had family in this position: in love with a married man who was always promising to leave his wife for her, until his heart attack. She made some really bad decisions, but she didn't get into it knowing he was married, and she really loved him.  HE was the one who was in the wrong, first and foremost. 

    I'm not absolving Laura (if she knew about his wife, which as a manager she probably did), particularly because of the power dynamic in the relationship. But there's a good chance that she's devastated and grieving, too, and not making the best decisons as a result. 

    I don't know what I'd do in this situation - probably something very similar to what @southernbelle0915 said. But I would never stop someone from coming to a funeral of someone they're grieving, too, or have security escort them out. That just seems too cruel. 
    Nah that's a normal rule. Funerals are for wives not mistresses. 
    lizybeffmrsconn23sparklepants41PrettyGirlLost
  • I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    PrettyGirlLost
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    I don't know if this is the rule in all states, but in Alaska, every person who dies unexpectedly (basically anyone who dies who isn't old or under the care of a doctor and anyone who dies of anything that is not natural causes) has to be autopsied. Sounds like this husband would fall under that. That could take some time, especially if there's a back log or if the cause of death isnt obvious (is it a heart attack? Brain aneurysm?) 

    It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for. 

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    I don't know if this is the rule in all states, but in Alaska, every person who dies unexpectedly (basically anyone who dies who isn't old or under the care of a doctor and anyone who dies of anything that is not natural causes) has to be autopsied. Sounds like this husband would fall under that. That could take some time, especially if there's a back log or if the cause of death isnt obvious (is it a heart attack? Brain aneurysm?) 

    It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for. 
    Also sometimes it just takes time to put things together. My friend's aunt passed away a month ago. They had the funeral three weeks later so people had time to make travel arrangements and so my friend, who was very close to her aunt, could finish her internship and attend. 


    image
    PrettyGirlLost
  • lovesclimbinglovesclimbing Alaska member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    I don't know if this is the rule in all states, but in Alaska, every person who dies unexpectedly (basically anyone who dies who isn't old or under the care of a doctor and anyone who dies of anything that is not natural causes) has to be autopsied. Sounds like this husband would fall under that. That could take some time, especially if there's a back log or if the cause of death isnt obvious (is it a heart attack? Brain aneurysm?) 

    It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for. 
    Also sometimes it just takes time to put things together. My friend's aunt passed away a month ago. They had the funeral three weeks later so people had time to make travel arrangements and so my friend, who was very close to her aunt, could finish her internship and attend. 
    Hmm, in that case, I'd call it a "memorial service" (I assume she had to have been buried previously?) In my book, the funeral is what happens when the body is actually interred. A memorial service is anything else taking place later and can happen at any time because there's no rush to take care of the body. 

  • levioosalevioosa Southern California member
    5000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    levioosa said:
    I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    I don't know if this is the rule in all states, but in Alaska, every person who dies unexpectedly (basically anyone who dies who isn't old or under the care of a doctor and anyone who dies of anything that is not natural causes) has to be autopsied. Sounds like this husband would fall under that. That could take some time, especially if there's a back log or if the cause of death isnt obvious (is it a heart attack? Brain aneurysm?) 

    It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for. 
    Also sometimes it just takes time to put things together. My friend's aunt passed away a month ago. They had the funeral three weeks later so people had time to make travel arrangements and so my friend, who was very close to her aunt, could finish her internship and attend. 
    Hmm, in that case, I'd call it a "memorial service" (I assume she had to have been buried previously?) In my book, the funeral is what happens when the body is actually interred. A memorial service is anything else taking place later and can happen at any time because there's no rush to take care of the body. 
    I'm honestly not sure. But something like that could happen with a cremation too. 


    image
  • I'm in the camp of confronting her but accepting the money. No reason to turn away perfectly good money in a time where it might be needed. Whatever Laura's motives, money is money.

    Also, both people are probably grieving. I wouldn't prevent someone from coming to a funeral or any sort of memorial service. I would make it very clear that she is not to approach the family at all.

    I say all this as someone who has been cheated on in a very long term relationship (previous to my relationship with H) and that guy did die about 2 years after we broke up. I saw the lady that he had cheated on and everyone deserves the right to mourn.

    JediElizabeth
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    ernursej said:

    I'm in the camp of confronting her but accepting the money. No reason to turn away perfectly good money in a time where it might be needed. Whatever Laura's motives, money is money.

    Also, both people are probably grieving. I wouldn't prevent someone from coming to a funeral or any sort of memorial service. I would make it very clear that she is not to approach the family at all.

    I say all this as someone who has been cheated on in a very long term relationship (previous to my relationship with H) and that guy did die about 2 years after we broke up. I saw the lady that he had cheated on and everyone deserves the right to mourn.

    And adults have to accept the consequences of their actions.

    She chose to have an affair with a married man, she's not entitled to attend the funeral which is a private event held by family for family and friends.

    She can mourn privately.  And if that's not good enough for her, too bad.

    I'm with the majority here that were I the LW I'd give absolutely zero fucks about the mistress' grief and her healing process, I sure as hell would not permit her to attend the funeral, and I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt about it. 

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


    southernbelle0915levioosa
  • PrettyGirlLostPrettyGirlLost A Land Filled with Unicorns and Cat Hair member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    levioosa said:
    I would not care if she was devastated, not at all. As the wife I wouldn't let her be there.  I also would not accept the money.

    I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....

    I don't know if this is the rule in all states, but in Alaska, every person who dies unexpectedly (basically anyone who dies who isn't old or under the care of a doctor and anyone who dies of anything that is not natural causes) has to be autopsied. Sounds like this husband would fall under that. That could take some time, especially if there's a back log or if the cause of death isnt obvious (is it a heart attack? Brain aneurysm?) 

    It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for. 
    Also sometimes it just takes time to put things together. My friend's aunt passed away a month ago. They had the funeral three weeks later so people had time to make travel arrangements and so my friend, who was very close to her aunt, could finish her internship and attend. 
    Hmm, in that case, I'd call it a "memorial service" (I assume she had to have been buried previously?) In my book, the funeral is what happens when the body is actually interred. A memorial service is anything else taking place later and can happen at any time because there's no rush to take care of the body. 
    Nope, not necessarily.

    I've attended funerals for people who had died several weeks prior.

    A friend of mine had a family member pass away who was eligible to be buried in Arlington Cemetery, but due to certain procedures and the waitlist he wasn't actually buried until 2-3 months after his passing.

    Not to be morbid, but bodies are typically stored between 2C and 4C (the temp of your fridge) which slows the decomp process.  Embalmed bodies are also preserved with formaldehyde whwich also slows decomp.

    "Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."


Sign In or Register to comment.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards