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Wedding Woes
mrsconn23
member
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Why are the messiest problems always the shortest letters?
in Wedding Woes
Dear Prudence,
My husband died unexpectedly a week ago, shortly after I discovered he’d been having an affair with his boss, “Laura.” I never got the chance to confront him about it, and my grieving process has been complicated by my sense of betrayal and because I’ll never get the answers I’m desperate for. I’m focusing on caring for my two young children. Laura began a fundraising campaign without consulting me, not that I would have taken a call from her in the first place. I can’t deal with her now or ever, although I’m not in a position to turn down money. I also don’t want her at the funeral. What’s the most concise way to excise this person (who begged my husband to leave me) from my life?
—Mistress Won’t Leave Me Alone
Re: Why are the messiest problems always the shortest letters?
Counseling will help with understanding how to deal/cope with the anger but with "Laura" you have 2 options as I see it
1 - tell her she's done enough to your life by being 'the other woman' and to leave you alone
2 - ignore her and learn how to deal with your new situation and kids.
I personally vote option 2, she doesn't sound worth it.
I would post on the fundraising page/via the company/whatever, that you will be refusing all funds taken by Laura because this hobag was banging your now deceased husband and you don't want anything to do with her.
I would make it hella clear with a skywriter, a sing-o-gram and a certified letter that her ass will be removed from the funeral premises if she dared show her face.
And then I'd probably mention to HR that a relationship existed, in the event her company has a no-banging-the-underlings policy, and see how much fun that would be for her.
The number of fucks I would give about making HER grieving process pleasant would be negative nil.
If that doesn't work, accept the money with the string attached of talking to the lady and accepting her presence at the funeral, or don't take it.
LW needs to start her own funding campaign if she needs assistance.
ETA: I would eat beans for months before accepting a dime of money she raised.
I would not accept the money, and I would tell her she better not show her face at the funeral.
ETA: and if their company had an HR department, I would contact them and tell them about the affair.
DH and I both got policies shortly after we were married and it's one bill that I don't mind paying for a second. We also are offered low-cost life and accidental death insurance from our companies and we both opt into those policies as well. I even have life insurance through work on my kids to basically cover burial costs (it's less than $1 per check).
Anyway, if DH dies and I find out he was diddling some other lady and she wants to try to 'smooth' it over with money or some shit, I can tell her to take her $$ and fuck all the way the hell off.
I'm not absolving Laura (if she knew about his wife, which as a manager she probably did), particularly because of the power dynamic in the relationship. But there's a good chance that she's devastated and grieving, too, and not making the best decisons as a result.
I don't know what I'd do in this situation - probably something very similar to what @southernbelle0915 said. But I would never stop someone from coming to a funeral of someone they're grieving, too, or have security escort them out. That just seems too cruel.
Picture yourself with your H 20 years from now. You've invested your prime and your life into this relationship. You have children. You've made your family your life's priority and purpose. In your eyes, everything is loving, normal, and a-ok. Then you find out that the love of your life is having a long-term affair. Not just a one night stand/mistake. Like he is going to work every day, fucking (and possibly loving) his mistress, coming home and pretending to be the loyal family man you've thought he was for the last 20+ years. And his mistress obviously knows he has a wife and kids. You've probably met her, shook the hand that jerked your husband off for years. Then, before you can talk about it or get any of your questions answered, he unexpectedly dies.
Funerals generally happen a few days after the death. You're saying that, a few days after this bombshell and life altering event (which is likely going to leave you needing years of counseling), you'd say, "Oh of course Laura is welcome at the funeral with my family and children. It's important that she grieve and get closure too...."?
I mean, good for you if you'd actually handle it that way. For me, this would be a time to take care of myself and my children. I would feel conflicted AF at this funeral anyway. The last thing I'd need/want is Laura bumbling around and sobbing next to me.
I have so many questions though, how did he die - what are the odds that she would find out and then him die on the way home or whatever happened without her confronting him - why haven't they already had the funeral if its been a week.....
It took five days when a friend of mine committed suicide, but we live in the lowest populated state, and she shot herself - i.e. obvious cause that didn't need hunting around for.
I'm in the camp of confronting her but accepting the money. No reason to turn away perfectly good money in a time where it might be needed. Whatever Laura's motives, money is money.
Also, both people are probably grieving. I wouldn't prevent someone from coming to a funeral or any sort of memorial service. I would make it very clear that she is not to approach the family at all.
I say all this as someone who has been cheated on in a very long term relationship (previous to my relationship with H) and that guy did die about 2 years after we broke up. I saw the lady that he had cheated on and everyone deserves the right to mourn.
She chose to have an affair with a married man, she's not entitled to attend the funeral which is a private event held by family for family and friends.
She can mourn privately. And if that's not good enough for her, too bad.
I'm with the majority here that were I the LW I'd give absolutely zero fucks about the mistress' grief and her healing process, I sure as hell would not permit her to attend the funeral, and I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt about it.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."
I've attended funerals for people who had died several weeks prior.
A friend of mine had a family member pass away who was eligible to be buried in Arlington Cemetery, but due to certain procedures and the waitlist he wasn't actually buried until 2-3 months after his passing.
Not to be morbid, but bodies are typically stored between 2C and 4C (the temp of your fridge) which slows the decomp process. Embalmed bodies are also preserved with formaldehyde whwich also slows decomp.
"Love is the one thing we're capable of perceiving that transcends time and space."