Wedding Party

When someone asks to be the Maid of Honor...

I'm looking for opinions or thoughts from people who maybe have been in a situation like this before.  A few months ago my friend asked me to be a Bridesmaid in her wedding.  My response was "of course I'm honored to be in included in your special day in any way that you would like."  I truly mean that and am happy to be involved.  The thing that I find myself still stuck on was her response to me.  She apologized for not asking me to be her Maid of Honor, and told me that she felt like she had to ask another friend of hers to be the Maid of Honor because that friend had asked her if she could be the Maid of Honor years ago.  When my friend told me this I was so surprised that I sort of shut her explanation down by telling her that this was her choice and that I support whoever she wants involved for whatever reason.  I also didn't think this friend being the Maid of Honor was all that weird because they are very close, what was weird to me was the explanation.  

My problem is that months later I still feel myself replaying this conversation.  I really can't tell if she told me this because she was worried my feelings would be hurt for not being asked and is maybe making the other friend the bad guy to keep from having some sort of conflict.  Or if maybe she really felt forced into having this person be the Maid of Honor when she would have preferred someone else.  Either one makes me sad because on one hand I would hope that she could just be up front with me about her desire for what role she would like me to play (I think that I'm really very supportive and not one to cause drama at all).  On the other hand I find it sad that she might have felt forced into doing something on her special day that she doesn't want.  I've talked to a few people who know everyone involved but aren't in the wedding themselves, and they think that she probably did feel forced.  I'm really not sure if I should bring this up with my friend again since I kind of shut her down before, my inclination is to let her bring it up at some point if she wants to, but I'm also still somewhat confused about where she's at.  Mostly I'm looking for insights from other people who maybe experienced something similar so that I can better understand the situation.  Me and this friend are so different that I can't imagine anyone ever putting me in the position that she said she was in so I'm having some trouble relating.

Re: When someone asks to be the Maid of Honor...

  • She was upfront with you. She wants you to be a bridesmaid. Nothing at all is confusing and I find it really really strange you are manufacturing an issue out of this. 
  • I'd try to let it go.  Being a member of the WP is a great honor, regardless of title.  It was unnecessary of her to go into detail; but it'd be unnecessary of you to bring it up.
  • Agree with PPs. Don't bring it up.
  • You're overthinking this. I think it's odd that she felt a need to explain all this to you, but if you are happy and honored to be a bridesmaid, just keep it that way. Her reasons for choosing someone else as her MOH are between her and her MOH, and if it's not exactly what she wants, that is her issue to deal with, not yours. Let it go and don't look for problems.
  • levioosa said:
    You need to let this go. My bff kind of said this to me. She said, "you know you're really my real MOH, but I can't officially ask you to be my MOH because it would hurt my sister's feelings too much." Even though she and her sister weren't particularly close, it would have caused way too much family drama to ask someone else to be the MOH. She could have had me as a Co-MOH, but honestly I didn't care. Truthfully, I would have preferred just to be a guest. Being in the WP is so much work. Don't manufacture a slight where there isn't one. Seriously, it doesn't matter anyways. Does a different title affect your years of friendship together? No? Exactly. Let it go. 

    I had @levioosa's situation happen to me, almost verbatim. 

    A good friend asked me to be her BM.  Also told me how she really wanted me to be her MOH, but felt she needed to ask her sister instead.

    I guess she felt she needed to explain herself.  She really didn't, so it was more an odd, awkward comment.  OP, I'd just chalk up your friends comment to the same thing.

    Especially if she felt "pressured" by the one friend to have her be the MOH, she may have felt ALL her BMs were expecting to be the MOH.  So she felt she had to explain herself.

    Honestly, I doubt she felt pressured or is upset by making the one friend her MOH.  Someone asking me "years ago", assuming long before I was engaged or had even met my FI, to be my MOH is hardly some hard fast contractual obligation, lol.  It's not even an emotional obligation.

    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • I almost had your same situation. I was a BM in a friend's wedding a while ago, and when we were doing something wedding-related she said "you know you're really my MOH, but x & I agreed to be each other's MOH's years ago so I can't go back on that." I was like okay whatever, and continued to just do my thing. I wasn't surprised & wasn't expecting to be MOH, so it was no skin off my back. If you're not upset about it, I would drop it unless she brings it up again. Maybe she just didn't want you to feel bad and was trying to spare your feelings. I wouldn't read more into it than that.
  • MairePoppyMairePoppy Connecticut mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its
    Do you habitually over analyze things? Your friend shouldn't have offered you an explanation, but she may have been worried that you would go over it, repeatedly, in your mind. Stop thinking and talking about it.
  • Thanks to those who shared their personal experiences, this was very helpful in better understanding that for various reasons people do approach things this way.  I also have since seen many threads by women who felt owed an explanation for not being chosen as MOH and now realize that my friend may have felt compelled to offer one.

    To provide a bit more context, my friend actually has a chronic problem with feeling pressured by others to do things a certain way, and usually comes to me for support/advice in these scenarios.  This is why I feel bad about shutting down her explanation, because in retrospect I wonder if maybe this was about her wanting to talk about what happened rather than providing an explanation to me.  My friend also brought this up on another occasion to say that she felt hurt that her MOH has since told her that she can't return the MOH favor in her future wedding because of family obligations.  I left this part of out the first comment because I didn't want my post to be too long, and it's really just a rehashing of the first situation, but I think adds context for why I think she may have wanted support from me rather than to assuage my feelings. 

    To be clear about my feelings, I would have been honored to be asked to be MOH but honestly am not sure I would have noticed that there even was one if it wasn't pointed out (there's really nothing special about the MOH dress or anything else that would give it away unless you are told).  I haven't been to a wedding that even had bridesmaids since I was a kid, so I don't expect people to follow the typical wedding format.

    Also, I'm not totally consumed with this and talking about it all the time.  The only people that I've spoken about this with (besides here) are people who brought it up with me.  As in, hey I found out so and so it MOH why didn't she ask you (I am her oldest friend)?  These people found the explanation that I was given odd which prompted me to think about it again, which is why I thought maybe coming here for another perspective would be helpful.
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