Thank You Notes for Engagement Gifts?

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

Hi there! I am newly engaged to my awesome partner and we're getting married next year. We threw/fully hosted an engagement party (aka pizza/beer) just to celebrate with our friends (all invited to the wedding of course). Most people brought booze which they immediately placed on the booze table/fridge (common in our social sphere) so I'm not even sure who brought what. However two people did give us small gifts, which was utterly unexpected and delightful. Several of my family members have also given us gifts, though not at a specific occasion or event. Each item I received was opened in front of the giver and profuse thank yous were offered. If we'd had an engagement party were gifting was expected/implied, or this was a shower, I would know the answer to my question. In general with my friends/family I offer thanks in person and only write a thank you note if I receive the gift in the mail/open it when they are not there. However because these gifts are *~*wedding*~* related I'm not sure if the etiquette changes. I doubt too many thank you cards is ever a bad thing, and my gut says send them, but I wanted to get a pulse check from other etiquette fans. Also we did get a few engagement cards w/o a gift enclosed - normally I would not send a thank you note in such a circumstance (probably just a call or text with a hearty expression of gratitude) - but does this change too?

Thanks in advance for your help

banana468

From an etiquette perspective, you should send a thank you note any time you get a gift.    If you thanked in person it's nice but a note should follow those too.

MairePoppy

Was the booze intended to use at your party or were your friends stocking your home bar? If the later, send a thank you note to everyone who brought a bottle or a gift. A general 'thank you for helping us stock our bar' then add in a personal comment and mention how happy you were to see them. Thank you notes aren't necessary for cards, unless they contain a gift.

Congratulations on your engagement.

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

@mariepoppie Thank you! It was for consumption at the party, the two gifts I was referencing were bottles of alcohol given to us specifically to enjoy in the future. I think we got through the rest of it! At parties in our circle this is very typical, at the NYE party we just went to we brought champagne but just tossed it in the fridge with the other many bottles there. Similarly people just know to head to the kitchen/fridge and put in the beer, or wine on the bar top and then help themselves to whatever liquor or wine we happen to have (much of it we had supplied, we tried to have enough to cover our guests if no one brought booze)

STARMOON44

Send a handwritten thank you note for every gift you receive. It’s polite always. 

If they didnt give you any way to identify the giver oh well. 

No thank you cards for a greeting card. 

CMGragain

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375 said:

Hi there! I am newly engaged to my awesome partner and we're getting married next year. We threw/fully hosted an engagement party (aka pizza/beer) just to celebrate with our friends (all invited to the wedding of course). Most people brought booze which they immediately placed on the booze table/fridge (common in our social sphere) so I'm not even sure who brought what. However two people did give us small gifts, which was utterly unexpected and delightful. Several of my family members have also given us gifts, though not at a specific occasion or event. Each item I received was opened in front of the giver and profuse thank yous were offered. If we'd had an engagement party were gifting was expected/implied, or this was a shower, I would know the answer to my question. In general with my friends/family I offer thanks in person and only write a thank you note if I receive the gift in the mail/open it when they are not there. However because these gifts are *~*wedding*~* related I'm not sure if the etiquette changes. I doubt too many thank you cards is ever a bad thing, and my gut says send them, but I wanted to get a pulse check from other etiquette fans. Also we did get a few engagement cards w/o a gift enclosed - normally I would not send a thank you note in such a circumstance (probably just a call or text with a hearty expression of gratitude) - but does this change too?

Thanks in advance for your help

Oh, dear.  You should not have hosted your own engagement party.  Someone else should have hosted for you since you were the couple being honored.  Too late, now.

Always send thank you notes for any gift, wine, booze, food, or other, as soon as possible.  This etiquette never changes.

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

@CMGragain Thanks for your feedback and advice on thank you, I'll start them tonight. This was our alternative to out communities suggestions of going out to dinner to celebrate because while we couldn't afford to buy everyone's dinner at a restaurant we could buy pizza and beer and cook desserts/sides so it was our way to make sure people didn't have to spend money on our behalf as well as hopefully thank them for supporting us through our relationship. We didn't ask anyone to provide anything. However We'll keep that etiquette rule in mind in the unlucky situation we have to get engaged again  

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

@STARMOON44 Thanks for the advice! I'll get started 

MairePoppy

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375 said:

@CMGragain Thanks for your feedback and advice on thank you, I'll start them tonight. This was our alternative to out communities suggestions of going out to dinner to celebrate because while we couldn't afford to buy everyone's dinner at a restaurant we could buy pizza and beer and cook desserts/sides so it was our way to make sure people didn't have to spend money on our behalf as well as hopefully thank them for supporting us through our relationship. We didn't ask anyone to provide anything. However We'll keep that etiquette rule in mind in the unlucky situation we have to get engaged again  

Oh no. Your friends should not have suggested you take them out to dinner or host your own engagement party. Someone else is supposed to host, if no one volunteers, then you don't have an engagement party. You can't unring the bell, so going forward, when your friends ask you when/where your bachelor party or bridal shower will be, tell them as far as you know, no one has offered to host one. 

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

@mariepoppy I'm not well articulating how we came to make that decision (I just had to interject that our loved ones are not crass as I mistakenly made them appear!). We actually have had awesome loved ones volunteer to coordinate future wedding events for us so this won't be an issue going forward and I know where to send well wishes with such questions. Thanks for your good wording, practical advice is so useful for us and anyone else in a similar situation.

MissKittyDanger

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

STARMOON44

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

MandyMost

There's a slight nuanced difference between "throwing yourself an engagement party" and "getting excited that your'e engaged and wanting to share your happiness with friends and family, and therefore inviting them over and feeding them". One is tacky, the other is perfectly acceptable.

As for thank you notes, it's ALWAYS nice to send an actual note when you get a gift. But that being said, the amount that it's an egregious etiquette error to not send a note decreases if you opened the gift in person and then thanked them in person. 

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

@MandyMost Thanks for articulating the difference as we saw it! We had a lot of people reach out and say "we should go get dinner to celebrate" but we decided it would be nicer/more fun/more gracious to have them over for a very casual hang out so we could feed and thank them for their well wishes and for being a part of our lives and squeal about our joy. Thats the guiding underlying thesis of our wedding - while the ceremony is about us were treating the rehearsal dinner/reception/post reception meal for those who are choosing to stay overnight as ways of thanking our community for supporting us over the years! I'm very willing to admit we may have made an etiquette faux pas but it came from what felt like a loving place. Going forward bachelor* paties/showers already have amazing voluntary hosts so we're safe there!

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375

Thank you everyone! Thank you notes are on the way (I mean I have stationary but....why skip an excuse for NEW stationary!) And in the meantime my partner and I are drafting the notes together so we can quickly bang them out. Thanks to everyone for sharing your thoughts!

southernbelle0915

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

Ditto. Thank you notes are not necessary for attendance. Only gifts. And in this case, it sounds like the only true gifts were the small gifts given (not the alcohol brought to share with the group).

kahluakoala

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375 said:

@MandyMost Thanks for articulating the difference as we saw it! We had a lot of people reach out and say "we should go get dinner to celebrate" but we decided it would be nicer/more fun/more gracious to have them over for a very casual hang out so we could feed and thank them for their well wishes and for being a part of our lives and squeal about our joy. Thats the guiding underlying thesis of our wedding - while the ceremony is about us were treating the rehearsal dinner/reception/post reception meal for those who are choosing to stay overnight as ways of thanking our community for supporting us over the years! I'm very willing to admit we may have made an etiquette faux pas but it came from what felt like a loving place. Going forward bachelor* paties/showers already have amazing voluntary hosts so we're safe there!

I think you're totally fine. You should spend 0 minutes stressing about the "etiquette faux pas" of the party, write those thank you notes, and be done with it. Clearly you didn't imply to people that it was a "gift giving occassion" like a shower, because most people brought gifts similar to any other dinner party - a bottle of booze and maybe a card.

MairePoppy

knottiea9a8aa43db84b375 said:

@mariepoppy I'm not well articulating how we came to make that decision (I just had to interject that our loved ones are not crass as I mistakenly made them appear!). We actually have had awesome loved ones volunteer to coordinate future wedding events for us so this won't be an issue going forward and I know where to send well wishes with such questions. Thanks for your good wording, practical advice is so useful for us and anyone else in a similar situation..

I feel like your party was typical for your crowd, with everyone bringing something to share. The difference is that you and fi bought beer and pizza because you are excited about your engagement. I think you can just move on from this and honestly don't know if the booze warrants thank you notes, since that is what your friends would have brought to any other party. It's not necessary to send  'thank you for celebrating with us' cards to everyone who attended, but I would, in this case, to cover your arse. And make sure you mention any actual gifts to the givers. 

You know what? I like you. You've taken our advice in stride and seem to be concerned about your loved one's feelings and how they are perceived. I hope you will decide to choose a screen name and stick around.

edit - grammar

MissKittyDanger

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

I was told otherwise. For my bridal shower there were people who didn't bring anything {not like it was expected fyi} and I was told to still do 'thank you notes'

banana468

MissKittyDanger said:

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

I was told otherwise. For my bridal shower there were people who didn't bring anything {not like it was expected fyi} and I was told to still do 'thank you notes'

Really?   I think you were given incorrect advice.   Thank you notes are for gifts.   If people went to your shower and helped I would send a TY note to them even if they didn't bring a gift but it's not necessary to send TY notes for attendance.  

STARMOON44

MissKittyDanger said:

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

I was told otherwise. For my bridal shower there were people who didn't bring anything {not like it was expected fyi} and I was told to still do 'thank you notes'

That was incorrect advice. Also gifts are expected at a shower, that’s the whole point. 

MissKittyDanger

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

STARMOON44 said:

MissKittyDanger said:

At this point I'm sure you are, but you should send thank-yous to all who came. In that you can include the 'thanks for the gift!' as well.

In future, please ensure you don't host your own bridal shower {if you have one} You can help and have say in it if you'd like, but best to not host it.
{for example, I know who is throwing my baby shower and I'm helping with some things but I'm not the host}

No, you don’t need to send thank you notes to people for attending the party. Just for gifts. 

I was told otherwise. For my bridal shower there were people who didn't bring anything {not like it was expected fyi} and I was told to still do 'thank you notes'

That was incorrect advice. Also gifts are expected at a shower, that’s the whole point. 

We lived together for awhile, so we didn't expect gifts tbh. I didn't expect a shower to begin with, but I figured it'd be just fun games etc.