Intercultural Wedding Dilemma

knottieb88088847054007e

My FI family is first generation Vietnamese and I am from the U.S. My FI and I have tried to incorporate elements of his cultural into our wedding plans, however inevitably most of the wedding has skewed towards my side since I am the bride and doing most all of the planning. This has inevitably caused some strife between the family, but mostly manageable. My recent dilemma is that I ordered and prepared my invitations. They are a pretty standard all-in-one invitation, and we pre-posted them and made it easy to fill out. My FI insisted that we hand deliver the invitations, as this is part of Vietnamese culture. I agreed, however when we delivered them, the family basically straight up told us that they aren't going to return the RSVP cards and should just assume they are coming. I find this incredibly rude, and I don't think I was able to hide my disappointment. Their response was that "invitations are for non-family" and that it's assumed all of them are coming. For context, we have a somewhat small wedding (100 people) and 35 of them are family members on my FI's side, so here I'm having a dilemma. Do I just assume all 35 of them are coming and work it into my seating arrangement, or cause more discord over insisting they return the RSVP cards, even though I know it's insulting to them? 

STARMOON44

They have RSVPed. They told you they are coming. Yes, I’d be annoyed too that they can’t just return the darn cards, but no matter what you do they aren’t going to do just mark them all down as yes. 

ILoveBeachMusic

I agree with @STARMOON44. Technically they did rsvp, just verbally. Did you include a meal choice on your rsvp card? If so, you will just have to contact each person and ask what they want for their meal. I'd just let this go for the sake of family harmony.

justsie

knottieb88088847054007e said:

My FI family is first generation Vietnamese and I am from the U.S. My FI and I have tried to incorporate elements of his cultural into our wedding plans, however inevitably most of the wedding has skewed towards my side since I am the bride and doing most all of the planning. This has inevitably caused some strife between the family, but mostly manageable. My recent dilemma is that I ordered and prepared my invitations. They are a pretty standard all-in-one invitation, and we pre-posted them and made it easy to fill out. My FI insisted that we hand deliver the invitations, as this is part of Vietnamese culture. I agreed, however when we delivered them, the family basically straight up told us that they aren't going to return the RSVP cards and should just assume they are coming. I find this incredibly rude, and I don't think I was able to hide my disappointment. Their response was that "invitations are for non-family" and that it's assumed all of them are coming. For context, we have a somewhat small wedding (100 people) and 35 of them are family members on my FI's side, so here I'm having a dilemma. Do I just assume all 35 of them are coming and work it into my seating arrangement, or cause more discord over insisting they return the RSVP cards, even though I know it's insulting to them? 

I would just take their verbal RSVP, to me it wouldn't be any different than someone calling me and telling me they were coming. They are not trying to be rude to you, this is part of their culture.

short+sassy

I agree with the other PPs.  They did RSVP.  It just wasn't in the more formal manner, ie mailing back the cards, that is more typical in our culture.

I know it is easier to think of something after the fact than "in the moment" but, after the first person did that, I would have gotten a notebook or piece of paper and used it to jot down every person/family (total number of people per visit) who verbally accepted.

Jen4948

Since it's outside their cultural norms for them to RSVP, you will just have to be prepared for all of them to show up -- or none of them -- and pay for everyone.

If it's not too late, discuss this with your venue and vendors. If asked for headcounts, assume all guests from your FI's side from the Vietnamese culture are coming and prepare accordingly. See if your caterers can take food orders on your wedding day on a consumption basis rather than pre-ordering meals.

knottieb88088847054007e

Thank you all for your replies! This has really helped me compartmentalize this "issue" and I'm feeling a lot more at peace about it. I felt like I have been compromising on a lot, and probably took it more personally than I should have. I appreciate everyone's response. 

MairePoppy

It's a good thing your fi insisted on hand delivering, otherwise, you wouldn't have received the verbal RSVPs! 

kahluakoala

I think you'll have to check in with them and request meal choices and if they're bringing a date, but yeah, you don't need the little piece of paper, you need the information. As long as they're willing to give you the information, you're good to go. Might be a little annoying, but it is what it is.

[Deleted User]

I would plan for a cushion of 10 extra people just in case they bring guests. Maybe just reserve 4-5 10 top tables with family names on them. Get with your future mother-in-law for the table placement and numbers. It’s important that direct family members are closest to the head table. Go to their table first when you go visit tables. I’m trying to blend my American and Vietnamese traditions right now as well. I know it’s scary paying that money up front, but they will pay you back when you visit their table in the form of a monetary gift so don’t worry. 

Jen4948

@megs_tx, this is an old thread that was dormant for several months before you posted. Rather than post in old threads, our forum prefers that you start a new one.