Dear Prudence,
Straight cis woman here. I’ve been married to my husband for almost three years, and we’ve been together for eight. Over the weekend, he passed out drunk in our bed with his phone in his hand, open to an anonymous messaging app. He was on some trans- and gay-themed chat rooms under a fake name, where people were scheduling hookups and sending dick pics. He had also received some messages from guys, to which he didn’t appear to have responded. I confronted him about this, and he says that he’s bisexual. He says he’s long had feelings about men but hasn’t ever acted on them or told anyone before me. He says he downloaded the app a few months ago and views it as a form of pornography, that he wanted to just look at the boards anonymously, and that he has no intention to cheat or to be with a man.
We’ve been struggling lately, and his anger and lack of motivation are a factor—I have taken on the “nagging mom/wife” role, which I don’t relish. He says he’s sorry, he will never do this again, he will stop drinking, yada yada. I’m wondering if I can go on living my life with someone who may someday say he’s leaving me for a man (or just cheat on me). He’s 39 and I’m 34, and we were trying to have kids. Is he just repressing being gay? Can he be bisexual and not act on it? I am ashamed that our marriage might not even make it three years, terrified at the thought of figuring out what to do with our house and our lives, and worried I’m missing my shot at a family. When I say there were no clues before this, I mean it. I’m also so broken. What to do?
—What’s Going On