How to decline help

artbyallie

Chiming in to say that we did get larger tax returns after marriage, but that's really only because we're both broke af. Higher tax brackets tend to swing the other way, especially if you don't have kids yet.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I was told I can claim as head of household because of our status, so that would probably get us a better return. We aren't going on a honeymoon, so after the wedding we can just start to focus on buying a house with our tax refund over the next few years. Plus his parents might help us knowing we could use the help. They know we don't have a lot and they are really generous.

ei34

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I was told I can claim as head of household because of our status, so that would probably get us a better return. We aren't going on a honeymoon, so after the wedding we can just start to focus on buying a house with our tax refund over the next few years. Plus his parents might help us knowing we could use the help. They know we don't have a lot and they are really generous.

Your FILs are generous bordering on enabling your FI.  Unless he’s too disabled to work, I don’t think you two being a one-income couple is really working. Draining retirement savings is mind-boggling to me.  I’m all for just one partner working but only if retirement savings are secure, there isn’t wild debt, etc.  
I don’t mean to sound judgementmal- I actually can relate in some ways- I went down to working p-t since having my first baby so we’re not a dual f-t income couple..my son has congenital hearing defects that require lots of time devoted to speech therapy, audiologists, ENT, SW, etc. so I also know about appointments sucking up time.  I just feel like you’re sacrificing (and putting up with) a lot.

Obviously feel free to ignore all of that, I’m an internet stranger.  To answer your original question- your wedding plans sound nice and unsolicited advice is one of my least favorite things- learning to cancel it out will change your life.

MobKaz

They pick you up EVERY weekend?  Do you not own a vehicle?  Why don’t they just hang out at YOUR place and then go when they want?  I love my kids and grandkids beyond words, but EVERY weekend?

I would be curious to know where YOUR family is on this situation.

I have tried to remain neutral on the “red flag” issue, but Holy Hell in a Handbasket.....NEVER, and I mean NEVER, do you count on money unless it is in your hand.  Tax refunds are NEVER a given!

Your future in laws “know you don’t really have a lot” but it’s OK that their son seemingly does nothing to help your financial situation.  If it’s not enabling, then it sounds a lot like guilt.  

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I was told I can claim as head of household because of our status, so that would probably get us a better return. We aren't going on a honeymoon, so after the wedding we can just start to focus on buying a house with our tax refund over the next few years. Plus his parents might help us knowing we could use the help. They know we don't have a lot and they are really generous.

So, a couple things....

1. How much exactly are you hoping to get back in tax returns that would allow you to buy a house with the refund amount? I think you might be over-estimating a return. As a broke AF student who gets max returns back I still wouldn't be able to afford a downpayment for almost a decade or more. I also live in Southern CA, but still. 

2. I don't think you can claim head of household. To qualify for HOH you must pay for 50%+ of household expenses, be unmarried for that year, AND you must have a dependent. A spouse does not qualify as a dependent for HOH. Neither does a bf/gf or fiancé. They are a qualifying dependent, and you can get exemptions for them, but not for HOH. 

3. Seriously, OP, get a financial advisor. 

4. You don't have a lot....so your FI needs to contribute. "Not feeling like it" is no excuse and it will poison your marriage because 10 or 20 years down the line you're going to resent him for sitting around the house because he didn't "feel like working" when you worked your butt off and used YOUR retirement to pay off HIS pre-existing debt. I'm all for single income families when it's done wisely, but this doesn't sound financially sound to me. This isn't a "we save, live frugally, have no debt, and have downsized our needs." I think it's safe to say that most of the adult population would love to quit their jobs and have that free time for hobbies, but that's not how life works. Part of being an adult is realizing that things like a job aren't always enjoyable, but are something you have to do. If you can't even have a conversation about that with your FI, oh honey....

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I think we are being smart about it all, though, and are planning to ask for a ton of help. I have a friend who is doing the decorations. Another is helping me on the day of to set up the ceremony. I have another friend who will take photos, and my fiance is going to make the appetizers for the light refreshments during the ceremony before the food is served. We also figure that any wedding gifts we get will be used as a down payment on a house so we do plan to be financially stable. I don't see any reason why I can't continue to work. Maybe he can work part time but it's not necessary. My friend also keeps telling me he could get a part time job to pay for things for this wedding, but really anything we pay for would be unnecessary so we would rather just go without.

After the wedding we plan to move into his parents house anyway so we can focus on buying a house, so our bills are going to go down drastically after the wedding.

MairePoppy

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.

The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 

levioosa

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I think we are being smart about it all, though, and are planning to ask for a ton of help. I have a friend who is doing the decorations. Another is helping me on the day of to set up the ceremony. I have another friend who will take photos, and my fiance is going to make the appetizers for the light refreshments during the ceremony before the food is served. We also figure that any wedding gifts we get will be used as a down payment on a house so we do plan to be financially stable. I don't see any reason why I can't continue to work. Maybe he can work part time but it's not necessary. My friend also keeps telling me he could get a part time job to pay for things for this wedding, but really anything we pay for would be unnecessary so we would rather just go without.

After the wedding we plan to move into his parents house anyway so we can focus on buying a house, so our bills are going to go down drastically after the wedding.

This whole paragraph is just a can of worms. 

MobKaz

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I think we are being smart about it all, though, and are planning to ask for a ton of help. I have a friend who is doing the decorations. Another is helping me on the day of to set up the ceremony. I have another friend who will take photos, and my fiance is going to make the appetizers for the light refreshments during the ceremony before the food is served. We also figure that any wedding gifts we get will be used as a down payment on a house so we do plan to be financially stable. I don't see any reason why I can't continue to work. Maybe he can work part time but it's not necessary. My friend also keeps telling me he could get a part time job to pay for things for this wedding, but really anything we pay for would be unnecessary so we would rather just go without.

After the wedding we plan to move into his parents house anyway so we can focus on buying a house, so our bills are going to go down drastically after the wedding.

**Sniff**Sniff

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.

MobKaz

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.

 Most of us had no issue with your wedding. I think we’re a little bit more concerned about the vision you have for your life. 

LondonLisa

I sincerely hope this is a troll. The thing is, they can’t afford to have H not work. If they’re in debt and cashing in pensions, you just can’t afford to be a one income household. 

PrettyGirlLost

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

justsie

MobKaz said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Look, I think I've been a pretty good sport. I'm not a child and I just wanted some advice and I got some pretty good supportive advice here which I appreciate. But now I think the insults are coming a little too strong. I don't have anything to prove, and I think I have the advice I need. Thank you to the people who can see the vision we have for the wedding we want.

 Most of us had no issue with your wedding. I think we’re a little bit more concerned about the vision you have for your life. 

I have an issue, I don't like it when people use their friends as free labor. 

PrettyGirlLost

MairePoppy said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.

The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 

Except they aren't really budgeting their income to suit their needs. . .

OP wiped out her retirement fund to pay off her FI's debt, and she's still paying off his debt while by all accounts he is just choosing not to work.  And they want to add kids into the mix, the number one financial burden.

This is not a good situation, least of all for their future kids.

pegasuskat

If he was actually disabled he would be drawing money for that, so I'm assuming he isn't. If either of us made enough I would be happy to be a one income home. But, if you can't pay things without borrowing then you can't afford to be a one income house. 

I have no problem at all with his parents paying for your wedding if they actually offered. Same with friends helping IF they offer, but its rude to ask. 
I think your biggest problem is with FI, and not being able to talk to him about it without being worried you would lose him if you calmly showed him a budget and why he needs to bring in some money. 

TrixieJess

MairePoppy said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

We don't really need to talk about a lot of this stuff, because we are okay with how things are. I don't want him to feel like I'm giving him an allowance or an ultimatum, so we just stay happy the way things are. As far as Hinton, we did not hint. We talked about our wedding ideas with his parents because we spend our weekends with them and we talk a lot with them about our plans. If they didn't want to be involved in our lives in our wedding, I don't think that they would pick us up every weekend to come visit. Not that it's anybody's business, but just explaining why this works for us.

The only thing that raised my eyebrows was you saying you wouldn't ask him to work because you might lose him. That made me feel kind of sad, like you are taking care of him and expecting nothing in return. Of course that may not be true at all. He may be taking care of your home and planning to take care of any children you may have. There are ways to contribute to a relationship other than money. And as a mother to a disabled adult male, who is unable to work at this time, maybe never, I can imagine there might be legit reasons why your fi doesn't work.

Once upon a time, one income families were common. Usually it was the wife that stayed home. But why can't the man have the same role? If you and he are willing to budget your income to suit your needs, then who are we to judge?

I'm not judging you for accepting the gift of a wedding, either. If the parents offered because they wanted to help, then that's very lovely of them. You owe them and the aunt thanks for their generosity. And taking care of the cleanup would be nice, too. 

My FI was the SAHP before my son went to kindergarten this year. It was the arrangement that we figured out with my salary and him working casually. The endgame was that he would either go back to work part-full time or back to school for a job he could freelance in. Either way, eventually we will be back to a two income household within 5 years. We have had to tightly budget over the years, but we have savings and retirement funds for both of us. 

climbingsingle

OK, this has got to be MUD now. 

charlotte989875

PrettyGirlLost said:

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

NBSquared2017

charlotte989875 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

***STIB***

You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

(edit for spelling)

TrixieJess

NBSquared2017 said:

charlotte989875 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

***STIB***

You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

(edit for spelling)

Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 

NBSquared2017

TrixieJess said:

NBSquared2017 said:

charlotte989875 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

***STIB***

You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

(edit for spelling)

Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 

I have not! I think I may give that a go. I have never had dark chocolate - but I know I do not like milk chocolate at all but I do love sea salt over iodized...I might be making a grocery run on my lunch hour...  

TrixieJess

NBSquared2017 said:

TrixieJess said:

NBSquared2017 said:

charlotte989875 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

charlotte989875 said:

ShesSoCold said:

FWIW, If H told me today that we could afford for me not to work anymore, I'd quit my job tomorrow.

I wouldn't. I love working. It's part of my identity. 

But, H might if we had the cash. 

Are you one of those weird people who hates chocolate and cheese too? :-p

Ha. I LOVE cheese. But, yes I hate chocolate. 

***STIB***

You are not alone - the only chocholate i like is hot chocolate. Everything else is the wooooorst. 

Savory over sweet any day of the week! 

(edit for spelling)

Have you tried dark chocolate with sea salt? If you don't like chocolate, but want to satisfy that salty/sweet craving, it's amazing. 

I have not! I think I may give that a go. I have never had dark chocolate - but I know I do not like milk chocolate at all but I do love sea salt over iodized...I might be making a grocery run on my lunch hour...  

Dark chocolate is a whole other animal than milk chocolate. I also recommend dark chocolate with chilis. 

MRDCle

Oh dark chocolate all the way.  I have some dark chocolate with espresso squares on my desk right now.  Delicious. 

PrettyGirlLost

Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P

charlotte989875

PrettyGirlLost said:

Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P

#truth. 

The cat and dog have to come to expect a certain lifestyle. They (loudly) voiced their displeasure at the rental apartment we're in after picking up and moving cities. 

NBSquared2017

PrettyGirlLost said:

Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P

Okay - I have seen the light. I just picked up some extra dark Lindt chocolate from the store and I have been neglecting my tastebuds for the last 34 years.

Thank you...thank you all. 

(edit - spelling is hard)

 

TrixieJess

NBSquared2017 said:

PrettyGirlLost said:

Dark chocolate sea salt caramels are LIFE.

Cheese is the name of my food baby. . . Brie Ravioli Pinot Gris, to be exact.

Working still sucks, but I'm not rich yet and I gotta maintain a certain lifestyle for my cats:-P

Okay - I have seen the light. I just picked up some extra dark Lindt chocolate from the store and I have been neglecting my tastebuds for the last 34 years.

Thank you...thank you all. 

(edit - spelling is hard)

 

We are here to help. 

bubblylove

Yeah, on top of taking money for the wedding now they are asking friends to help? I would be mortified if I wasn't working - when I could - and basically was getting charity. 

short+sassy

levioosa said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I was told I can claim as head of household because of our status, so that would probably get us a better return. We aren't going on a honeymoon, so after the wedding we can just start to focus on buying a house with our tax refund over the next few years. Plus his parents might help us knowing we could use the help. They know we don't have a lot and they are really generous.

So, a couple things....

1. How much exactly are you hoping to get back in tax returns that would allow you to buy a house with the refund amount? I think you might be over-estimating a return. As a broke AF student who gets max returns back I still wouldn't be able to afford a downpayment for almost a decade or more. I also live in Southern CA, but still. 

2. I don't think you can claim head of household. To qualify for HOH you must pay for 50%+ of household expenses, be unmarried for that year, AND you must have a dependent. A spouse does not qualify as a dependent for HOH. Neither does a bf/gf or fiancé. They are a qualifying dependent, and you can get exemptions for them, but not for HOH. 

3. Seriously, OP, get a financial advisor. 

4. You don't have a lot....so your FI needs to contribute. "Not feeling like it" is no excuse and it will poison your marriage because 10 or 20 years down the line you're going to resent him for sitting around the house because he didn't "feel like working" when you worked your butt off and used YOUR retirement to pay off HIS pre-existing debt. I'm all for single income families when it's done wisely, but this doesn't sound financially sound to me. This isn't a "we save, live frugally, have no debt, and have downsized our needs." I think it's safe to say that most of the adult population would love to quit their jobs and have that free time for hobbies, but that's not how life works. Part of being an adult is realizing that things like a job aren't always enjoyable, but are something you have to do. If you can't even have a conversation about that with your FI, oh honey....

I just wanted to chime in that this is absolutely correct.  My H doesn't work and I'm the sole provider or our household.  No kids either.  I don't get any kind of tax consideration because I support my H and I'm definitely NOT eligible to file as HOH.

I don't have any issue that your FI's parents have gifted you all the wedding, as long as they weren't asked to and there was no "prompting" for this gift.  However, you can't ask them to pay for cleaning to help out the generous aunt, because they haven't offered that.  You DEFINITELY need to provide cleaning for the aunt.  Either out of your own pocket or, after the reception, you and your FI can change out of your all's wedding clothes and get to work.  And do not hint or ask for help from friends.  Accepting help is only okay if it is freely offered. 

You do seem to be putting a lot of weight on factors you don't control, in terms of your house down payment.  Like the old adage, don't count your chickens before they hatch.  But, on the bright side, the only negative if things don't turn out the way you think they will...and I know this will be true for the taxes...is it will just be a longer delay before you can start house hunting.

One more piece of financial advice from a woman who knows all about unexpected house/property repairs.  Don't buy a house with only two dimes to rub together, after closing.  As a homeowner, your responsibilities increase 10-fold.  You need to have reserve funds.  I'd suggest at least $1,000, after everything you need for the house is purchased.  There is an unbelievable amount of stuff to buy after buying your first home.  Appliances, tools, lawnmower, furniture, curtains/rods for EVERY window...this is a starter list to think about and assumes the house is already in perfect condition!