Can't decide on bridesmaids dresses

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

Need some advice. I dont want to tell my bridesmaids what to wear, but I also want to make sure their dresses go with mine. Should I just pick out the dresses they wear or should they show me the dresses they like to pick out the one we all agree on? I don't want to be THAT kind of bride but we are having a hard time agreeing.

lovesclimbing

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Need some advice. I dont want to tell my bridesmaids what to wear, but I also want to make sure their dresses go with mine. Should I just pick out the dresses they wear or should they showe the dresser I like to pick out the one we all agree on? I don't want to be THAT kind of bride but we are having a hard time agreeing.

I'm sorry, you're going to have to type more carefully because I have no idea what this means. 

A lot of people on here recommend letting them choose their own dresses. If I could go back in time, that's what I would do. I'm not sure what you mean by "go with" your dress. They don't have to be the same style or anything. Say x color, somewhat dressy (I.e. Not a casual sundress or whatever your criteria is) knee-length and call it good. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I'm sorry, I corrected my bad typos.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

My dress is fairly formal, but not very fussy. My fiance is wearing khakis and a polo. So I figured since the girls are standing near me, the styles the wear should match with my dress. We're just butting heads because I don't like the dresses they have been choosing so I'm hoping to come up with a compromise. I don't want them to wear the same dress as each other, just in the same color family. They told me to just pick something and they'll buy it, but I was hoping we'd do this together. 

flantastic

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

My dress is fairly formal, but not very fussy. My fiance is wearing khakis and a polo. So I figured since the girls are standing near me, the styles the wear should match with my dress. We're just butting heads because I don't like the dresses they have been choosing so I'm hoping to come up with a compromise. I don't want them to wear the same dress as each other, just in the same color family. They told me to just pick something and they'll buy it, but I was hoping we'd do this together. 

Your fiance is also standing near you, and his attire won't really coordinate at all with your dress. So I wouldn't worry about the bridesmaids.

flantastic

Since they're looking for guidance - Just tell them "blue and knee length" and they should be able to find something that they want to wear, and doesn't overwhelm them with choices, while still looking perfectly fine. Or black. This really won't matter more than them feeling and looking good.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

The problem is that I did give them some guidance, but the dresses they picked just don't seem to go with the look I'm going for. I really did try to like the dresses but I just don't. So they told me to just pick something I like and they will buy it, but I really wanted this to be a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. So now I'm worried if I pick something out that they're not going to like, they won't tell me. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place LOL

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

The problem is that I did give them some guidance, but the dresses they picked just don't seem to go with the look I'm going for. I really did try to like the dresses but I just don't. So they told me to just pick something I like and they will buy it, but I really wanted this to be a mutual decision that we can all agree upon. So now I'm worried if I pick something out that they're not going to like, they won't tell me. It's like being stuck between a rock and a hard place LOL

Did they already buy dresses??

lovesclimbing

Thank you. 

Honestly, I'm not surprised that they don't want to pick something anymore. They took time to find a dress they liked that fit within your parameters, and then you said, no, I don't like it, keep looking. Personally, I'd be a little peeved that now I have to spend all that time again to find something else. It's not just five minutes finding something. When I'm looking for new clothes, just browsing not even looking for a specific color or style, it takes me a long time, and it's a pain to have to keep going back again to the same websites or stores. And for all they know, you're going to reject the next thing they find too. 

If they've already purchased the dresses, then you should either let it go and let them wear those or refund their money and ask for the receipts and you can deal with trying to return them and getting money back and then follow the second half of my advice in the next paragraph. (The first option is much simpler and you should do that one!)

If they haven't already purchased them, I think you should either let it go and let them get the dresses or pick out a dress you like (after having asked them individually for their budgets of course) and have them get that dress. 

Alternately, you can give slightly tighter guidelines on what you want the dresses to look like and ask them to find something else. And at that point, whatever they come back with you really need to say ok to. You can't keep telling them "pick whatever, oh, but not that." That's really annoying. And by slightly tighter guidelines, I mean very slightly. Like if you first said said, "blue, no longer than mid-calf, non-shiny fabric," I think it'd be fine to come back and say "blue, within a couple inches of knee length, non-shiny fabric, and covered shoulders" but you shouldn't get more specific than that. No "blue, chiffon, cap sleeve, knee-length, v-neck, flared skirt."

Honestly, I really wouldn't recommend this last option. If I were your BM, I'd definitely be annoyed, but I wouldn't hate you if you did that, especially if you said, "go ahead and pick it and get it, and you don't need my approval" (because again, if you go this route, you really can't disprove the options again. That really gets into bridezilla territory, and you should have just picked a dress at that point.)

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

They did pick a dress already that was ok, but bought it without telling me, and I just don't like it when I think of it near my dress. They can return it, it's from amazon, but it's disappointing that they are telling me that they don't want to be part of choosing a dress anymore. 

MobKaz

Nope.  Nope.  Nope.  

You do not want a traditional wedding because it’s “just not you” and neither you or your FI want to spend any money, particularly because you don’t really have any money.  You are having friends provide the majority of services, including photography.  Your wedding is a casual, back yard wedding.  Guests may swim in the pool if weather permits.  

Honestly, you’re lucky you still have bridesmaids.

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

They did pick a dress already that was ok, but bought it without telling me, and I just don't like it when I think of it near my dress. They can return it, it's from amazon, but it's disappointing that they are telling me that they don't want to be part of choosing a dress anymore. 

Why would they want to be part of it? They picked out something within your parameters that they presumably felt beautiful in and you said “Eh. Try again.” Just pick something if you’re so particular. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

I thought because it's my wedding, I should be allowed to decide how the dresses look, I just feel hurt that they aren't into it anymore.

flantastic

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I thought because it's my wedding, I should be allowed to decide how the dresses look, I just feel hurt that they aren't into it anymore.

But you do understand why they aren't into it, right? You've been picky while claiming you're not, and finding a dress is no small task, as PP explained - and they have no guarantee you won't veto again after they do go through it. In their minds, if you want to have that much control, you should just pick.

You're making it more about appearances than respecting their time. No one but you wants to spend lots of free time on stuff for your wedding. Let them wear what they already bought. Returning to Amazon is a hassle.

artbyallie

Look, if you are letting them pick out their own dresses, you don't then get veto power. Let. It. Go.

[Deleted User]

I really want to see what all these dresses (the BMs and brides) look like.

I also find it amusing that you are concerned that the dresses won't go with your formal dress but your FI is wearing a casual outfit (khakis and a polo) which in my opinion is going to look odd next to a gown.  It is all just very confusing.

charlotte989875

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

I thought because it's my wedding, I should be allowed to decide how the dresses look, I just feel hurt that they aren't into it anymore.

You can decide how they look; pick a dress that you like within their budget and tell them to wear it. Or, tell them length/fabric/color and let them choose recognizing they might choose something you don't love. 

Honestly, I think you're expecting way too much from them right now. You told them to choose, they did, then you said you didn't like what they chose and they had to keep shopping. I would do exactly what your BMs did and told you to just pick what you want. 

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

MRDCle

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Then find out their budget and pick something for them. I can guarantee you they don't have unlimited time to shop for YOUR perfect bridesmaid's dress.

NBSquared2017

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

Need some advice. I dont want to tell my bridesmaids what to wear, but I also want to make sure their dresses go with mine. Should I just pick out the dresses they wear or should they show me the dresses they like to pick out the one we all agree on? I don't want to be THAT kind of bride but we are having a hard time agreeing.

My BM are all different body shapes and sizes. I let them know the color and the length and they all chose a dress that fits their body type. It just so happened that same dress looked great on everyone.

I have been in situations as a maid where I wore a dress and I was not comfortable. I was constantly tugging or fixing my dress and I was super self-conscious and no one like to feel that way. If you give them basic parameters like the color and length I think it will be fine - they are adults, I'm sure they are capable of picking an appropriate dress. 

[Deleted User]

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Then why did you even give them the option of shopping for their own dress if you were so concerned about what they picked?

At this point you need to ask them their budget (which from the cost of the dress they picked will most likely be on the lower end) and find something that you deem acceptable and tell them to buy it.  But you can't keep vetoing what they pick and sending them back out to shop again.  So either pick something yourself or accept the choice they made.

ShesSoCold

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Maybe you should ask your inlaws to buy better ones.

MyNameIsNot

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

I really don't see how this is less dressy than your FI's khakis and polo.

They like the dress, they are clearly irritated with you, and they've already bought it. Is this really a hill you're willing to die on? Just let them wear what they want. 

NBSquared2017

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Did you give them parameters (fabric, color, length)? I'm just trying to deduce how they ended up picking this particular dress.  

MRDCle

ShesSoCold said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Maybe you should ask your inlaws to buy better ones.

They do really want to help out. 

justsie

NBSquared2017 said:

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/B073XDMXQJ?psc=1&ref=yo_pop_mb_pd_title

This is what they picked, and I don't think it's the best we can find.

Did you give them parameters (fabric, color, length)? I'm just trying to deduce how they ended up picking this particular dress.  

Honestly, I think it goes well with the theme; a backyard wedding in the summer with the option to go swimming. Its casual but not-too-casual and seems like it would help someone stay cool if it is hot. And for the price, has great reviews. 

lovesclimbing

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1 said:

They did pick a dress already that was ok, but bought it without telling me, and I just don't like it when I think of it near my dress. They can return it, it's from amazon, but it's disappointing that they are telling me that they don't want to be part of choosing a dress anymore. 

If you want something else, you should refund their money for the dresses and then pick something else out for them to buy. At the very least, you should ask them to return it and then refund them their return shipping cost, because that's something that comes out of their pocket. 

Did you read my post? If I was your bridesmaid and you told me, "hey, pick what you want within these guidelines" and then I did that and then you came back and said "no, I don't like it," I'd be annoyed, and I'd probably say, "tell me what to buy, here's my budget, and I'll buy it," too. 

There are a lot of options for getting dresses. If you wanted some level of their input but still wanted control yourself, you should have asked for their budgets and then picked out a line of dresses at a bridal store or 5-10 dresses in another store or online that fit their budgets and then had them help you narrow them down. 

ahoywedding

If you had a specific vision in mind, you should have either 1. been more clear when giving parameters or 2. picked out a dress with them that you liked. I told my BMs knee length and navy, and none of them even had the same dress. One of my sisters had a pretty casual looking dress but really it looked just fine for the few minutes she was standing up in front of everyone. Then she was comfortable the rest of the night, win-win.

It sounds like you want a "casual low key" wedding but with the trappings of a more formal affair. You can't have it both ways. That dress, while not my style, matches just fine with khakis and a polo. It also fits the style of a backyard wedding that may allow swimming. There have been brides here previously having less formal weddings that acknowledged their dress was more formal than the event maybe called for, but they loved the dress and were fine with their BMs in sundresses or whatever.

If you're going to let people (adults!) make their own decisions, then respect their decision. If you want to dictate what they chose, then you should have thought of that from the beginning. I can understand why they don't want to go shopping with you anymore.

artbyallie

BTW, since they have already bought these dresses, if you insist on something else, you're going to have to pick up the tab yourself.

ei34

Your options are a) let them wear the dresses they selected based on your parameters and purchased or b) pick a dress yourself that’s within your BMs price range and have them buy it, while reimbursimg your BMs for the dress they’ve already purchased.  Honestly I’d just let them wear what they have.

knottiee7cb65b5d04be4f1

Thanks, I'll just pick a dress according to their styles. The search started by casually looking at dresses online and we agreed on pink with lace. Some dresses were all lace, others just had detail. The bridesmaids found this one and I said it was okay (meaning, the style was just okay, not that it was okay to just go ahead and order) and the ordered it on their own. They told me they liked it a lot but I apologized because it's not the look I'm going for, so they said they'll return the dresses but asked me to just pick something. That's where I am right now. I really don't know what to pick for them and it really takes away the fun part when it's just "pick a dress and I will buy it", but I'll do that. I'm not sure what to pick so i guess I'll do some research.