Etiquette

Accidentally Forgot a Bridesmaid

I'm in a bit of a situation and I would love to hear what others have to say. 

My FH and I have known each other since high school. We got engaged very young (I was 20--still in college) without the intention of getting married soon. We're now both turning 25, and we'll be getting married this summer. 

I actually started planning our wedding last August, and I asked four friends of mine (two from college, one from working abroad, another from high school) to be my bridesmaids. Everything was planned, went wonderfully. 

The problem is that I literally forgot that back when I first got engaged when I was 20, I had been super excited and Skyped two of my best friends at the time and we went through the whole "so excited!" talk and I asked them to be my bridesmaids. It had completely slipped my mind because, after college, I predictably began to see less and less of them as we moved around/got different jobs etc. and I was doing zero wedding planning and had no idea when we would actually get married. 

I feel terrible about forgetting. I got so caught up in planning when we actually decided to get married that I didn't stop to think about if I had ever planned anything for a hypothetical wedding in the past. It actually never would have come to mind except one of the friends brought it up and asked if she should still be a bridesmaid. She was very understanding and realized that I had literally just forgotten over the 5 years, but I can tell that the other friend is very angry about it. 

It isn't possible at this point to get them everything that they need to be bridesmaids (we couldn't get dresses in time), but I invited them to the shower and to the bachelorette party--literally everything the bridesmaids go to--because I want them to feel included, but I was wondering if there were any other ideas about how I could make them feel involved. 


Re: Accidentally Forgot a Bridesmaid

  • Jen4948Jen4948 Houston
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its 25 Answers
    member
    edited May 14
    If you promised someone that they could be your bridesmaid when you weren't actually engaged, then I don't think you are bound by such a promise now if you are no longer close to that person. It would be a kindness to ask anyone hosting a wedding-related party for you (presumably not you) to invite this person, provided you plan to invite her to your wedding. 
    ernursejshort+sassy
  • MesmrEweMesmrEwe
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
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    There are literally thousands of dresses, they don't need to match, give them the color... js...  Problem solved...  

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    ahoyweddingInLoveInQueens
  • Have you apologized to your forgotten friend? I would do that, and then let her be angry. You can’t fix forgetting about her. Hopefully with time she will forgive you. 
    charlotte989875ahoyweddingInLoveInQueenseileenrob
  • MobKazMobKaz Chicago suburbs
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    I'm in a bit of a situation and I would love to hear what others have to say. 

    My FH and I have known each other since high school. We got engaged very young (I was 20--still in college) without the intention of getting married soon. We're now both turning 25, and we'll be getting married this summer. 

    I actually started planning our wedding last August, and I asked four friends of mine (two from college, one from working abroad, another from high school) to be my bridesmaids. Everything was planned, went wonderfully. 

    The problem is that I literally forgot that back when I first got engaged when I was 20, I had been super excited and Skyped two of my best friends at the time and we went through the whole "so excited!" talk and I asked them to be my bridesmaids. It had completely slipped my mind because, after college, I predictably began to see less and less of them as we moved around/got different jobs etc. and I was doing zero wedding planning and had no idea when we would actually get married. 

    I feel terrible about forgetting. I got so caught up in planning when we actually decided to get married that I didn't stop to think about if I had ever planned anything for a hypothetical wedding in the past. It actually never would have come to mind except one of the friends brought it up and asked if she should still be a bridesmaid. She was very understanding and realized that I had literally just forgotten over the 5 years, but I can tell that the other friend is very angry about it. 

    It isn't possible at this point to get them everything that they need to be bridesmaids (we couldn't get dresses in time), but I invited them to the shower and to the bachelorette party--literally everything the bridesmaids go to--because I want them to feel included, but I was wondering if there were any other ideas about how I could make them feel involved. 


    How did it come up?  If you have the dates and plans for showers and the bachelorette party, it sounds as if the wedding is in the near future.  If I were hearing of these plans, it seems fairly obvious the wedding party choices were made some time ago.  I guess with this time frame in mind, I have to wonder why these two friends would not assume the obvious and let it go.

    These friendships have obviously waned over the years.  Inviting them to these pre-wedding events sounds nice, but if they weren't on the lists from the beginning, how close could they even be at this point?  It sounds as if the only consideration was an invitation to your wedding.

    I would have apologized and moved forward.
    STARMOON44
  • If someone had asked me to be a bridesmaid 5 years prior, I truly wouldn't expect to still be a bridesmaid in the current, planned wedding. Maybe that's just me? I can understand the excitement of getting engaged (especially at that age), and just asking your current friends, without the foresight to know that relationships change, and that when the wedding actually did happen, you might not be close with those people. But personally, this isn't something I'd be angry about, and certainly not enough to confront the bride/my friend. 

    I guess the best bet is to apologize, and explain what happened. Be honest. I wouldn't backtrack and then add these women in to the BP. I'd worry they would then still feel like add-ons, and that they had already been left out. I was asked to be a fill-in BM once, and the whole experience was awkward to me. Not that this is the same, but I can see the similarities. 
    All of this.  And to the bolded, I would feel the same especially if the friendship had changed and waned a bit over the years.

    There is a reason OP forgot about asking these two individuals 5 years ago and it is because their friendship is no longer strong.  So OP, do what climbingwife said.  Apologize and accept whatever outcome happens.  They are allowed to feel what they feel and no amount of trying to make it up to them is really going to help.  
  • I'm not trying to come off like "I told you so," but this is why it's not a good idea to choose your WP so far ahead of time. If it was a conversation that took place prior to you being engaged, I would say it wouldn't be the end of the world because all of that is hypothetical until you're actually wedding planning anyway. Since you were engaged when you told these two friends they could be BMs, I could see how they'd think you meant it. 

    Relationships change and we fall out of touch with people, it happens. I wouldn't expect resolution with the friend who is upset with you. It would definitely be nice to apologize to both friends (in person or over the phone, not just a text), own the situation, and give them time to forgive you and/or get past this. It seems like an obvious thing they should have picked up on, that they never got any wedding details so clearly they weren't in the wedding, but I would still directly state the fact that you forgot you had asked them. Talking around it or hinting at it could make the situation worse.
    OliveOilsMomInLoveInQueensMyNameIsNot
  • OliveOilsMomOliveOilsMom South Jersey
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its 5 Answers
    member
    Jen4948 said:
    If you promised someone that they could be your bridesmaid when you weren't actually engaged, then I don't think you are bound by such a promise now if you are no longer close to that person. It would be a kindness to ask anyone hosting a wedding-related party for you (presumably not you) to invite this person, provided you plan to invite her to your wedding. 

    Jen - OP was engaged at the time she asked the two old friends to be BMs. 

    I think since you had a 5 year engagement and your friendships with these two original BMs has waned, you don't need to try and add them into your BP.  But as PP said, I think you need to reach out, especially to the angry one, and personally apologize for the situation.  Own it, but apologize for it.  Then just let your friends decide how to move on from here.

    NBSquared2017
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