Wedding Woes

Sexuality can be fluid and ever evolving, no?

Dear Prudence,

My best friend and I came out to each other when we were teenagers, she as gay and me as bisexual. I’m in my 20s now and have a large network of LGBTQ friends, and being bisexual has always been a key part of my “image,” as it were.

However, I don’t think I’m bi anymore. I’ve not felt attracted to women for just over a year now, not just in terms of not having dated any girls but on a conceptual level too, and it’s not a desire I see returning. I’ve started to feel really guilty for maintaining the belief to my social group that I’m also queer when I’m just not. In my case it really does feel like “just a phase,” albeit a phase of nearly a decade. I’m scared that if I “come out” as straight then people close to me will feel betrayed and deceived, and I could lose a lot of friends. But carrying on like this is making me feel like this awful imposter.

—Distressing Revelation

Re: Sexuality can be fluid and ever evolving, no?

  • VarunaTTVarunaTT
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    edited May 17
    Huh.  This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc.  And they really need to work on their verbiage.  They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase.  But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well.  Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

    ETA:  I'd also have some questions.  My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.  
    LondonLisaahoywedding
  • ernursejernursej
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    VarunaTT said:
    Huh.  This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc.  And they really need to work on their verbiage.  They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase.  But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well.  Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

    ETA:  I'd also have some questions.  My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.  
    How does one know if they were bi or bi curious for 10 years? 
    mrsconn23
  • VarunaTTVarunaTT
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    member
    ernursej said:
    VarunaTT said:
    Huh.  This is pretty cringe-worthy and I think I'd be fairly hurt if one of my friends did this, not necessarily b/c of them, but b/c of the particular issues surrounding "just a phase," "choosing a side", political climate, etc.  And they really need to work on their verbiage.  They were never bi, I'd really rather them just use bi-curious or something, rather than I was bi, now I'm not, it was just a phase.  But, I'd rather my friend live their truth as well.  Sooner rather than later is good, I think.

    ETA:  I'd also have some questions.  My preferences wax and wane, and being bi isn't some sort of magical ratio of attraction to different genders.  
    How does one know if they were bi or bi curious for 10 years? 
    I don't know, b/c I haven't had that experience.  But referring to your sexuality as a "phase" is something that has been wielded as a sword against the queer community for decades and that verbiage really shouldn't be used by anyone in any context.  So, my suggestion is bi-curious b/c that acknowledges that someone was curious, might've had some attractions, played around, and decided it wasn't for them.  IDK how long that journey takes.  It's also why I said preferences can wax and wane for some people...I've tended to be more attracted to the others of the same gender of the person I am with at the time, though with K identifying as non-binary, it's thrown a loop into that theory.
    mrsconn23ernursejeileenrob
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